Getting past heartbreak / not trying to save people

[Michelle1]

From a Christian perspective, have you experienced the compulsion to try to "save" people?
What about when this compulsion seems to enable unhealthy relationships?

I was stolen from and ghosted last month by a boyfriend of nearly 2 yrs. Looking back, many red flags. He told me a story of childhood traumas (which now I question if any of it was true) and I tried to compensate for his upbringing by mothering him in a way. I still have a desire to reach out on Christmas or his birthday and wish him well and remind him God loves him. I've had a similar experience before with another previous failed relationship. Why do I have a desire to keep giving time, energy, emotion to someone who used me and threw me away? Is it Christian to leave the door open? Or it is more biblical to block and cut all possible contact?

Any thougths are appreciated.

 

[asquirrel]

You are called to give compassion and discernment in equal measure. You are outright commanded to be discerning. So, no, it is not wrong to leave a door open. What is wrong is to not learn from your mistakes. To let that need to be a mother to him override the fact that he stole from you and hasn't made it right (he must pay you back more than he stole). You must be discerning enough to spot him trying to twist your open heart against you. "How could you say you care about me when you won't let me <X>" or "Pfft, some love that makes you reach out just to remind me that I hurt you."

Do not let his guilt and shame become your problem. He must face those, not deflect them on to you. Exile (cutting someone off and blocking them) is the last step before capital punishment. So, no, it's not particularly biblical to go that route.

As for the desire to give to people who abused you? I don't know you at all, but in my own life, the desire comes from having conditional love from my parents. I had to be useful to them in order to be valued. I had to achieved in order to earn anything above the bare minimum. In some ways, this is good and teaches a child to push themselves. But when it becomes the ONLY way that they can get affection, it becomes toxic and destructive, and creates an adult who cannot exist without external validation. Who always feels like no amount of effort is ever enough. Who puts up with almost any hurt because they know love only comes from that one place, no matter how bad it is. This is a well documented psychological fact. Is your problem conditional love? I can't say. But it has all the hallmarks of it, at least based on a few sentences.

 

[Richard T]

I think that some people see and maybe even seek a compassionate person because they know they can walk on them. So if you are trying this you have to be walking with God. You will know too by the fruits. Are you both doing better in God as the relationship unfolds? You ran the red flags so hopefully you have learned and can still love in the future. It might be better to find someone equally yoked or just use the compassion you have on others outside of a relationship?

 

[Michelle1]

You are called to give compassion and discernment in equal measure. You are outright commanded to be discerning. So, no, it is not wrong to leave a door open. What is wrong is to not learn from your mistakes. To let that need to be a mother to him override the fact that he stole from you and hasn't made it right (he must pay you back more than he stole). You must be discerning enough to spot him trying to twist your open heart against you. "How could you say you care about me when you won't let me <X>" or "Pfft, some love that makes you reach out just to remind me that I hurt you."

Do not let his guilt and shame become your problem. He must face those, not deflect them on to you. Exile (cutting someone off and blocking them) is the last step before capital punishment. So, no, it's not particularly biblical to go that route.

As for the desire to give to people who abused you? I don't know you at all, but in my own life, the desire comes from having conditional love from my parents. I had to be useful to them in order to be valued. I had to achieved in order to earn anything above the bare minimum. In some ways, this is good and teaches a child to push themselves. But when it becomes the ONLY way that they can get affection, it becomes toxic and destructive, and creates an adult who cannot exist without external validation. Who always feels like no amount of effort is ever enough. Who puts up with almost any hurt because they know love only comes from that one place, no matter how bad it is. This is a well documented psychological fact. Is your problem conditional love? I can't say. But it has all the hallmarks of it, at least based on a few sentences.

It is probably safe to say there are contributing factors from childhood. I don't think he will face his problems, what he did to me, pay me back, or contact me ever again.

Do you think it is safe and biblical to decide I won't reach out to him (happy birthday, Merry Christmas etc) unless he has paid me back?

In addition to childhood factors, I get tripped up between being a Christian versus sacrificing my own welfare like Jesus did for us (loving with boundaries versus sacrificing yourself to your own detriment)

I think what I observed growing up was love and self-worth dependent on helping or fixing others, even at your own expense.
Then that impression was then reinforced by the Bible. And here I am as an adult trying to figure this out.

I've been through this twice now and really want to stop the cycle.

Thank you very much for your time and response.

 

[Michelle1]

I think that some people see and maybe even seek a compassionate person because they know they can walk on them. So if you are trying this you have to be walking with God. You will know too by the fruits. Are you both doing better in God as the relationship unfolds? You ran the red flags so hopefully you have learned and can still love in the future. It might be better to find someone equally yoked or just use the compassion you have on others outside of a relationship?

Looking back, I think I may have been targeted. I got sucked in in a few ways. 1. We were friends initially through work. 2. He presented himself as a Christian who had walked away from God for a while and was coming back.

These two things made me more vulnerable. My guard was down because I believed we were already true friends. Then he lost his job and approached me romantically. The timing was a flag. Second, aside from claiming to be Christian, there was no evidence of his faith. I was always the one to initiate Church and reading the Bible. Another flag, which I rationalized away because I have strayed from God before and know it is a journey coming back.

I over-empathized with him because we were already friends, so I already cared, and when he shared his childhood traumas and other family issues I got sucked in more.

This is where I find myself getting stuck. My internal discernment and the Holy Spirit tried to warn me many times, but the emotional empathetic side of myself couldn't not help...which turned into me getting used/enabling.

I have lost this struggle between empathy/discernment before. Any advice on how to balance these two as a Christian?
I'm always working on this.

Thank you for your time and response.

 

[Richard T]

Looking back, I think I may have been targeted. I got sucked in in a few ways. 1. We were friends initially through work. 2. He presented himself as a Christian who had walked away from God for a while and was coming back.

These two things made me more vulnerable. My guard was down because I believed we were already true friends. Then he lost his job and approached me romantically. The timing was a flag. Second, aside from claiming to be Christian, there was no evidence of his faith. I was always the one to initiate Church and reading the Bible. Another flag, which I rationalized away because I have strayed from God before and know it is a journey coming back.

I over-empathized with him because we were already friends, so I already cared, and when he shared his childhood traumas and other family issues I got sucked in more.

This is where I find myself getting stuck. My internal discernment and the Holy Spirit tried to warn me many times, but the emotional empathetic side of myself couldn't not help...which turned into me getting used/enabling.

I have lost this struggle between empathy/discernment before. Any advice on how to balance these two as a Christian?
I'm always working on this.

Thank you for your time and response.

Hi thanks your for the opportunity to share. I guess the balance is that you have to just be careful with these red flags. Let them override your emotions and stay more practical and aligned with the word. As yourself too why the gift of compassion? Learn more about what it does and means to a believer. Here is a snippet from a webite I just found.

"Mercy​

A person with the motivational gift of mercy is sensitive to the emotional and spiritual needs of others. A mercy-giver is drawn to people in need and seeks to demonstrate compassion, understanding, and love to them.

• Biblical Example
  The Apostle John had the gift of mercy. The Gospel of John and the epistles I, II, and III John share a unique perspective of Jesus’ ministry and include many insights into the love of God and His work in the heart of a believer. “A new commandment I give unto you, that ye love one another; as I have loved you, that ye also love one another. By this shall all men know that ye are my disciples, if ye have love one to another” (John 13:34–35).
• Guidelines in Romans 12
  The exhortation of Romans 12:15 particularly relates to the gift of mercy: “Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep”(ESV).
• Life Principle to Apply
  It is important for a mercy-motivated person to apply the principle of moral freedom. An understanding of this principle will protect the mercy-giver from developing improper relationships or giving false impressions to those to whom they minister." Source: What are the seven motivational gifts? - Institute in Basic Life Principles

A gift of mercy (compassion) is tremendous, giving emphathy and care above an ordinary Christian, though all should show mercy. But you have to guard it so as to be careful and let God choose your relationships. Let's suppose someone has the gift of giving. (Also in Romans 12, generally considered giving money). They should not let every sob story guide their gifts, they have to hear from God and make it count because most have a monetary limit. You too have limits and boundaries in God and you are doing great exploring this now. I do believe the Holy Spirit will guide you in ways you can apply what you leearn to your entire life.

I once had a pastor ask me why I was looking to God to marry a foreign woman, that to him, I may have had a self image problem that I could not find an American. In a sense he was right about my self image, but I laugh now because foreign women can be equally good. In your case, could it be asked: Why are you looking for someone to rescue, a harder case, when you have the same rights and priveleges as a child of God to seek one of God's finest? That compassion works on other levels besides close relationships and is especially useful to those who minister. I can't answer if all this applies to you but I do pray you know that God is for you, not against you, in your finding a great husband and so much more. That you do not wander aimlessly in the desert with dead ends, but instead you can set Godly boundaries and focus on your promised land. God's best to you!

 

[asquirrel]

(1) Do you think it is safe and biblical to decide I won't reach out to him (happy birthday, Merry Christmas etc) unless he has paid me back?

(2) In addition to childhood factors, I get tripped up between being a Christian versus sacrificing my own welfare like Jesus did for us (loving with boundaries versus sacrificing yourself to your own detriment)

(3) I think what I observed growing up was love and self-worth dependent on helping or fixing others, even at your own expense.
Then that impression was then reinforced by the Bible. And here I am as an adult trying to figure this out.

I added the numbers just to make organizing a reply a bit easier.
1. There is no requirement for you to keep initiating contact. If you are in a place where you can tell him that you still remember him, tell him. But if you're in a place where you're too hurt/mad/etc to think about him, then don't. You aren't Jesus, don't try to be. And what I mean is that...you won't be Jesus. You won't be Moses. You have limits. Your faith is not so strong that you can draw your energy from the Lord Himself (or however that sort of sustainment works where Moses was still strong at 120 years old, or various other examples of bodies working far, far beyond what should be possible). You might get that sustainment one day, with much growth in faith, but you aren't there today. Having limits is not a failure. It's a natural part of growth. Watch the trees near your house. All of them have branches that grow, die, and fall off. Your faith is no different. Some paths will wither and fade so better ones can take their place. God knows what He created. He celebrates growth, not only arrival.

To explain it in less esoteric terms (or possibly more): You aren't driving a Formula 1 car, stop trying to compare your Honda Civic's lap time to a Formula 1 car. It's civic. It has limits. Work your way up through the racing ranks if you want a higher performance car. Over many years and much work.

2. See answer above. "Progress, not perfection."

3. For now, focus on healing those childhood wounds. Learning that you were loved before you ever did anything. You don't have to earn God's love, only accept that it's already there. It's not easy. I speak from experience. It takes time. The Bible does NOT reinforce the kind of self-sacrifice you're talking about. Jesus would heal people, but he'd also take many days to rest and meditate. "Love others as you love yourself" doesn't really make sense when you love yourself so little that you run yourself ragged. How many people do you run ragged? None I'm guessing. So you're loving them *beyond* the level that you love yourself, and that needs to change.

I struggled with this too. Not helping every person I saw on the side of the road, or with their hood up, even though I was so emotionally broken that...I'd rather not get into it. But it was bad. Real bad. In that state, I can't even take care of myself. I can't handle their problems too. I needed to heal myself first before I had any capacity to deal with someone else's problems.

This is where I find myself getting stuck. My internal discernment and the Holy Spirit tried to warn me many times, but the emotional empathetic side of myself couldn't not help...which turned into me getting used/enabling.

I have lost this struggle between empathy/discernment before. Any advice on how to balance these two as a Christian?
I'm always working on this.

Progress, not perfection. Every mistake is a chance to learn what not to do the next time. You didn't give up. You asked why you failed. That's the beating heart of progress.

 

[asquirrel]

Also, at the risk of breaking a rule, I'll say that I'm only a few hours up the gulf coast from you, so if it would be helpful to discuss this in person in a tea shop instead of a forum, I'm open to that. Or along the beach. I remember Corpus beach front being rather pretty, and the weather is not so oppressively hot anymore.