Getting over my wife's past

[Llleopard]

I don't know what you mean by the part I highlighted. I think someone is entitled to a general knowledge of their partners' sexual history...but not necessarily specific details. It's not wrong to have an understanding of what your partner finds acceptable, is comfortable/uncomfortable with, or just how generally experienced they are....but you aren't entitled to any intimate details they don't want to share.

I mean, that's some very intimate knowledge...and while my wife understands my experience level, how I was then, and how I am now....I wouldn't give her any specific details about many incidents even if she asked really nicely.

For starters, I know my wife well enough to know that in spite of her insistence....she'll harp on some of that stuff for years. Secondly, those things happened between me and other women....what about their dignity/privacy? Maybe they don't care...but then again, maybe they do. I don't owe them anything...but at least I can assume a certain level of respect for whatever transpired between us was, in fact, between us.



Lemme tell you something....you know what kind of man never fantasizes about threesomes? The one who's had a couple. It's just a lot of work....pleasing one woman is a lot of work lol....pleasing two becomes a chore. It ends up being very detached, unenjoyable, and directorial. He's probably not missing them.



It strikes me as odd that any couple...married or otherwise...would spend time detailing their sexual exploits to each other. I could never stand being with a girl who talked about her ex(s) for any length of time...it seemed like a loud signal that they weren't really over them, ready to move on, or emotionally mature. I sure didn't want specifics on their sexual life (other than perhaps how safe they were)...as this just seemed like an indication of what they would be like with the guy after me.

Perhaps that's just me...I don't have any compulsion to know these things.

Oh dear. I obviously didn't communicate well in that post! We certainly don't detail our exploits, and don't have explicit knowledge -that would be unnecessary, disloyal and unpleasant! And we have no compulsion to know either!
I meant we are honest about our real feelings about whatever crops up, and are kind to each other. Neither of us would carp on about anything. We just deal with stuff and move on.I was trying to be a bit detailed to help the op see how a process could work. Fail! oh well

 

[curty]

I know I need to let it go; wanting advice about how to do that.

I believe wholeheartedly that she's the one for me and that I can get over it because I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Have you ever decided to do something then found it to be much harder than you anticipated?

You're absolutely right that I feel I missed out. Not only on experiences that I think may have made me much more confident. Probably to an unfair degree I connected sex and self worth in the past. I now see that the two don't necessarily go hand in hand but am still of the opinion that believing it might just have made it so.
I also envy the nature of the relationship they had. She was more trusting having no/much less baggage. She was devastated by their break up and is now a control freak fearful of being hurt again. I wish she could love and trust me as she did him. Instead I feel like I have to pay for the result of her poor choices.

 

[Ana the Ist]

I know I need to let it go; wanting advice about how to do that.

I believe wholeheartedly that she's the one for me and that I can get over it because I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Have you ever decided to do something then found it to be much harder than you anticipated?

You're absolutely right that I feel I missed out. Not only on experiences that I think may have made me much more confident. Probably to an unfair degree I connected sex and self worth in the past. I now see that the two don't necessarily go hand in hand but am still of the opinion that believing it might just have made it so.
I also envy the nature of the relationship they had. She was more trusting having no/much less baggage. She was devastated by their break up and is now a control freak fearful of being hurt again. I wish she could love and trust me as she did him. Instead I feel like I have to pay for the result of her poor choices.

How long were they together/apart before you got together before marrying? What's the timespan here?

I get what you're saying about masculinity...I think most guys do, if they're honest.

I might be going out on a limb here, but do you think maybe you both got into this for different reasons? Like....maybe she saw you as the "safe good guy" after her last volatile relationship....and you saw her as sexually desirable and capable of fulfilling your needs?

Because once you married...your expectations flipped, both of you. Whereas you saw a need to comfort and help her heal before...afterwards, you expected your emotional "investment" to "pay off"?

She saw you as completely non-demanding before....and she only had reciprocate that basic level of affection. Now perhaps she sees you as more "needy" and she's pulling back from you a little?

If I'm way off...just say so. I know that's not the most flattering portrayal...but its not as if you'd be the first couple to enter marriage with some misconceptions.

 

[curty]

You might be onto something there. It's her first boyfriend I'm particularly jealous of. They were 17 and together for 4 years. She had 3 other long term boyfriends but admits she didn't love them fully; always 1 foot on the ground (better credit Regina Spektor for those lines). She slept with about 5 other people she dated for different lengths of time. We got together at 30 having been friends for 2 years before that and married a year later.

 

[Ana the Ist]

You might be onto something there. It's her first boyfriend I'm particularly jealous of. They were 17 and together for 4 years. She had 3 other long term boyfriends but admits she didn't love them fully; always 1 foot on the ground (better credit Regina Spektor for those lines). She slept with about 5 other people she dated for different lengths of time. We got together at 30 having been friends for 2 years before that and married a year later.

So...she broke up with this guy at 21? then met you at 28 after a variety of relationships...and you two married at 31?

How much does she still talk about this guy? It's been a decade....

 

[curty]

Not often at all. Seems I've given you the wrong idea. Only like once or twice a year but still that's enough to make me uncomfortable. When I told her recently that I wish we had more sex the obvious question was how often did you with the others?
The other time that springs to mind in the last year or so was driving past a park and she told me they did it there. We've never had sex outdoors so I now hate driving past that park.

 

[mama2one]

The other time that springs to mind in the last year or so was driving past a park and she told me they did it there. We've never had sex outdoors so I now hate driving past that park.

have you told her "I wish you wouldn't share these details from your past?"

she obviously isn't aware it bothers you because would think if a spouse knew that sharing upset the other, they'd stop sharing?

 

[Ana the Ist]

Not often at all. Seems I've given you the wrong idea. Only like once or twice a year but still that's enough to make me uncomfortable. When I told her recently that I wish we had more sex the obvious question was how often did you with the others?
The other time that springs to mind in the last year or so was driving past a park and she told me they did it there. We've never had sex outdoors so I now hate driving past that park.

So it wouldn't be wrong to say this is pretty much entirely your hang up...your insecurities...and she hasn't really done anything wrong.

 

[curty]

The hangups yes.
My wife not prioritising sex though is on her and according to a TED talk I watched recently having had plenty of sex before marriage is a major reason why her desire is significantly less than mine. She assured me she had a high sex drive and we'd be doing it all the time but that hasn't eventuated so I don't agree that she's done nothing wrong. She would never let me get away with denying her any of the fundamentals of marriage for any length of time. I don't know if there's something analogous for her but if she wants something she makes sure she gets it. I feel like a fool for accepting this for 3 years.

 

[Ana the Ist]

The hangups yes.
My wife not prioritising sex though is on her and according to a TED talk I watched recently having had plenty of sex before marriage is a major reason why her desire is significantly less than mine.

I guess that makes sense...I don't put much stock into TED talks...a lot of which are just high minded opinions. Another way to look at it though, is your lack of sex before marriage is the reason why your drive is so high.

She assured me she had a high sex drive and we'd be doing it all the time but that hasn't eventuated so I don't agree that she's done nothing wrong.

Well...that might have honestly been her expectations before marriage.

She would never let me get away with denying her any of the fundamentals of marriage for any length of time. I don't know if there's something analogous for her but if she wants something she makes sure she gets it. I feel like a fool for accepting this for 3 years.

I would stay away from that sort of reasoning...probably better to think of sex as it's own sort of category. It's not really dependent upon whether you got the bills paid, mowed the lawn, visited your in-laws, etc.

Are you sure that it's....enjoyable for her with you? I always wondered how one who waits for marriage would know this. It's not like you have anything to compare it to. I mean, I remember thinking I was as good as anyone else at it...then much later realizing I was probably pretty bad at it for quite some time. Women, unfortunately, aren't that honest with men about this....much in the way of the cliche "do I look fat in this?" question is directed at men.

 

[curty]

I'm pretty sure she enjoys it but regardless have sex with your husband often has got to be covered in marriage 101.
She did with him hence my frustration.

 

[Ana the Ist]

I'm pretty sure she enjoys it but regardless have sex with your husband often has got to be covered in marriage 101.
She did with him hence my frustration.

So you think even if she doesn't necessarily enjoy it....she has to do it?

How often are you two currently...at it? How often would you like to be?

 

[curty]

Absolutely. I do plenty for her that I don't enjoy or feel like doing every day.
It's something like 10-12 days between times. I'd like it to be no more than 3.

 

[Ana the Ist]

Absolutely. I do plenty for her that I don't enjoy or feel like doing every day.
It's something like 10-12 days between times. I'd like it to be no more than 3.

So....roughly 3 times a month...

And you'd like it about 10 times a month.

That's about right?

Edit- I realize my math is a little off there, and every fourth day is 8-9 times a month...but since you said "no more than" I'm assuming your ideal number is something like 5-6 times a week.

 

[curty]

In an ideal world yes. Having said that sometimes a week or more can go by without either of us having the opportunity or the desire. What sucks is when I see the things she makes the time and energy for - the things she does even though she doesn't feel like doing - and sex is conspicuous by its absence.

 

[Ana the Ist]

In an ideal world yes. Having said that sometimes a week or more can go by without either of us having the opportunity or the desire. What sucks is when I see the things she makes the time and energy for - the things she does even though she doesn't feel like doing - and sex is conspicuous by its absence.

Does she do other things for you? Cooking?

If so....what's your least favorite meal she makes? Something quick and easy....when you're in a hurry or too tired?

 

[curty]

No not that much. Almost like clockwork after 3 days I'm raring to go again.
And I cook but I wonder where you're going with that. I'd eat something I don't particularly like before I'd starve. And I'd be grateful to her for saving me the effort.

 

[DZoolander]

Which guy is it that you have in mind when you're talking about the frequency of? The guy she was with when she was 17-21? Since that's the one you said you were most jealous of? Or is the frequency issue with the other guys as well?

 

[Ana the Ist]

No not that much. Almost like clockwork after 3 days I'm raring to go again.
And I cook but I wonder where you're going with that. I'd eat something I don't particularly like before I'd starve. And I'd be grateful to her for saving me the effort.

It's an analogy...

We're at a tricky point here...cuz it's hard to be honest without being intentionally mean. I don't want to come off that way....but your view of this is skewed. I don't think it's entirely your fault. You were raised a certain way...you never had sex for 30 years. So it's probably weighed pretty heavily on your mind...I dunno, maybe you see it as something you're entitled to...maybe that's what you've been taught.

It's pretty archaic though. It doesn't matter really if you think its right or not...you can't force her. The thing is, in your late teens or early twenties...even mediocre sex is something couples have a lot of because it's new. It's not new to her anymore...and it sounds like she's experienced enough to have had good sex before. It's new to you...so you want it all the time.

What's worse is your attitude towards the whole thing...no real care or concern about her enjoying it. That's enough for you because it's all new to you still...but is that really what you want? You probably don't think so now...but if you were getting it 5 times a week, from an unenthusiastic wife who's simply doing her "wifely duty"...you'll get bored and frustrated with it too.

I'm making a sort of obvious guess that it's not exactly fantastic for her, in spite of whatever she might say...because you said "I'm pretty sure" when I asked if you thought she enjoys it. It doesn't require any guesswork if you're satisfying her...it becomes blatantly obvious, like night and day.

There's probably nothing I or anyone else can say to change your expectations...they've been building up for thirty years. I think the only advice I could possibly give is to change your attitude towards sex itself, and start seeing her gratification as the entire point. Talk to her about this, how to make it happen....try being subtle, try being direct. Figure out what she likes, what works for her....then leave that as your foundation and build from there.

I can't say it will work out the way you want exactly...but you'll probably find her making more time for it more often. Maybe then you'll start feeling like the guy she married out of desire instead of the guy she settled for later in life.

 

[OK Jeff]

I know I need to let it go; wanting advice about how to do that.

I believe wholeheartedly that she's the one for me and that I can get over it because I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Have you ever decided to do something then found it to be much harder than you anticipated?

You're absolutely right that I feel I missed out. Not only on experiences that I think may have made me much more confident. Probably to an unfair degree I connected sex and self worth in the past. I now see that the two don't necessarily go hand in hand but am still of the opinion that believing it might just have made it so.
I also envy the nature of the relationship they had. She was more trusting having no/much less baggage. She was devastated by their break up and is now a control freak fearful of being hurt again. I wish she could love and trust me as she did him. Instead I feel like I have to pay for the result of her poor choices.

To offer some perspective on the other side, as a teenager I viewed virginity as something I needed to get rid of as soon as I could. And I did. Then I got so far from God I would set goals as to how many I could bed. Women became nothing more than tally marks to me. And I can’t even remember most of them, nor do I want to.
My wife on the other hand didn’t wait until marriage. But she did wait until she was engaged. Her first husband was the only man she knew until she figured out he’s a phony and it all came tumbling down. But that’s another topic. After that, she went a little wild for a couple years until we met. We had a conversation before we married about our past. We were both relieved to learn my number was quite a bit higher than hers (dissect that if you want).
Over years, we’ve gone through a great deal and are closer, more intimate now than any time in our past. And this breeds jealousy, insecurity, feelings of inadequacy on both sides. This is examples of consequences I so wish I’d understood when I was younger. She and I have talked about this, and how much we both wish we’d only known each other. Knowing sex as God intended it to be, exclusive to only the two of you is something we both deeply long for. But sin always comes with consequences. I say all that to say this, the day will come (if it hasn’t already) that she will be envious of you. She will understand she’s the one who is missing out on intimacy you can have that she can never. Not on the same level anyway. You haven’t missed out in anything. Those of us who did it wrong are missing out.