I know this is a long post, but please bear with me. I really need some help.
It's weird how things that haven't happened for years, and that's you're sorry for, all of a sudden come back to make you guilty when you have absolutely no thought to do it again. Because that's exactly what's going on right now.
It actually started out as something pretty harmless. During my very first sleep over, when I was seven, my nearly-six-year-old best friend initiated an exploration of each other's bodies when the lights went out. You know how it goes. Little kids do it all the time. Eventually, we didn't do it anymore, and I didn't even really notice when we stopped. It was just sort of a phase. I don't think it was until I started puberty that I wanted to continue that act with him, especially since I discovered pleasure.
During our sleep overs, we used to share a bed, but one night he decided that it wasn't comfortable and slept in another one. I don't know if that was the real reason; I'm sure it could have been that he felt we were too old to be "sleeping together."
One night he stayed at my house; we were in separate beds. To get straight to the point, I "explored" him without him being awake. I think I must have been around 12, and he was 10 or 11. I did that just about every time we had sleep overs, up until I was around 16. At least that's when me doing that really started to slide, and a year or two later, I didn't feel it was right to have done that. I'm not sure or not if he ever caught on that I was doing that; if he did, he never said anything. I think he awoke a few times when I was doing that, but he may have been half-awake, so I really don't know what he knows.
Basically, I've repented to God more times than necessary, and am having the most trouble forgiving myself. Perhaps the missing puzzle is him: do I ask for his forgiveness, and how? I mean, is this something that happens more often than I think? I tried to look for some answers online, and people who do that tend to be shy and have few friends, and that described me fairly well at the time. He's a pretty easy-going guy, and I'm fairly confident he'd forgive me, but how do I ask for his forgiveness if I'm not even sure he knew what was going on, if anything?
I think my biggest question is: would this be considered molestation? Yes, I did it more than once, but it generally was only towards him. I had another friend that I tried touching in the back seat of a car once, but nothing really happened. I felt bad. That was the last time I tried doing anything to that particular friend.
I don't consider myself homosexual, I simply felt I was confused. I'm not saying that justifies my actions, but another reason I have all this guilt is this: what do I tell a future wife if I ever get married? I mean, you're supposed to be honest with each other, in telling each other if you're virgins or not, right? I'd still consider myself a virgin, but is it normal not to talk about such things even with your spouse?
On two occasions it concerned more than just touching. These both happened early on in this phase. One night on vacation I was up all night doing what I've described, and I also, yes, (sigh) kissed him. I felt horrible as soon as I did it, along with the time I... put it in my mouth. Both incidents lasted a split-second each. I think most of my shame is actually centered on those two events: not really the touching, though I'm still ashamed of that.
Also, I feel that it'd be different if we were both girls. It seems much more "tabooish" (and actually wrong) when two guys are involved.
Why do I all of a sudden feel guilty? I mean, I admitted I was wrong and confessed to God, and last year in college I thought little of it. Sometimes things would trigger it, but then I'd forget it. Then when summer came, it just started consuming me. My entire summer consisted of working and thinking about this. Every thought was tainted with this series of incidents. Every thought was a separate thought, along with, Remember when you did this? Everyone, everything I see reminds me of it: I think to myself, I'll bet he never did that, or even, I'll bet whoever built that never did that. It consumes me that much. Do you think Satan could be behind all this belated guilt? Or is God trying to encourage me to finally reconcile?
I think the reason I've thought of it so much is because that best friend of mine is starting college this year; actually this week, and the closest that date comes, the more guilty I feel.
My parents are on a long vacation and I've talked to them twice concerning the matter. I've never revealed what I've done, but both times by the time I've hung up the phone I'm in tears because they told me a hundred times during the conversation how much they love me. I had another conversation after that. I talked with my dad. He told me that he did a lot of things before he got married that he's never told my mom. He was a lot wilder back then. He was ashamed of the things he did, but he still felt forgiven by God.
I guess I feel forgiven by God, but I haven't been able to forgive myself and haven't asked forgiveness from my friend. Over the past few days I've felt better about it, but I feel like there's no turning back. Thoughts about it still linger in the back of my mind. I just don't know what to do.
It's weird how things that haven't happened for years, and that's you're sorry for, all of a sudden come back to make you guilty when you have absolutely no thought to do it again. Because that's exactly what's going on right now.
It actually started out as something pretty harmless. During my very first sleep over, when I was seven, my nearly-six-year-old best friend initiated an exploration of each other's bodies when the lights went out. You know how it goes. Little kids do it all the time. Eventually, we didn't do it anymore, and I didn't even really notice when we stopped. It was just sort of a phase. I don't think it was until I started puberty that I wanted to continue that act with him, especially since I discovered pleasure.
During our sleep overs, we used to share a bed, but one night he decided that it wasn't comfortable and slept in another one. I don't know if that was the real reason; I'm sure it could have been that he felt we were too old to be "sleeping together."
One night he stayed at my house; we were in separate beds. To get straight to the point, I "explored" him without him being awake. I think I must have been around 12, and he was 10 or 11. I did that just about every time we had sleep overs, up until I was around 16. At least that's when me doing that really started to slide, and a year or two later, I didn't feel it was right to have done that. I'm not sure or not if he ever caught on that I was doing that; if he did, he never said anything. I think he awoke a few times when I was doing that, but he may have been half-awake, so I really don't know what he knows.
Basically, I've repented to God more times than necessary, and am having the most trouble forgiving myself. Perhaps the missing puzzle is him: do I ask for his forgiveness, and how? I mean, is this something that happens more often than I think? I tried to look for some answers online, and people who do that tend to be shy and have few friends, and that described me fairly well at the time. He's a pretty easy-going guy, and I'm fairly confident he'd forgive me, but how do I ask for his forgiveness if I'm not even sure he knew what was going on, if anything?
I think my biggest question is: would this be considered molestation? Yes, I did it more than once, but it generally was only towards him. I had another friend that I tried touching in the back seat of a car once, but nothing really happened. I felt bad. That was the last time I tried doing anything to that particular friend.
I don't consider myself homosexual, I simply felt I was confused. I'm not saying that justifies my actions, but another reason I have all this guilt is this: what do I tell a future wife if I ever get married? I mean, you're supposed to be honest with each other, in telling each other if you're virgins or not, right? I'd still consider myself a virgin, but is it normal not to talk about such things even with your spouse?
On two occasions it concerned more than just touching. These both happened early on in this phase. One night on vacation I was up all night doing what I've described, and I also, yes, (sigh) kissed him. I felt horrible as soon as I did it, along with the time I... put it in my mouth. Both incidents lasted a split-second each. I think most of my shame is actually centered on those two events: not really the touching, though I'm still ashamed of that.
Also, I feel that it'd be different if we were both girls. It seems much more "tabooish" (and actually wrong) when two guys are involved.
Why do I all of a sudden feel guilty? I mean, I admitted I was wrong and confessed to God, and last year in college I thought little of it. Sometimes things would trigger it, but then I'd forget it. Then when summer came, it just started consuming me. My entire summer consisted of working and thinking about this. Every thought was tainted with this series of incidents. Every thought was a separate thought, along with, Remember when you did this? Everyone, everything I see reminds me of it: I think to myself, I'll bet he never did that, or even, I'll bet whoever built that never did that. It consumes me that much. Do you think Satan could be behind all this belated guilt? Or is God trying to encourage me to finally reconcile?
I think the reason I've thought of it so much is because that best friend of mine is starting college this year; actually this week, and the closest that date comes, the more guilty I feel.
My parents are on a long vacation and I've talked to them twice concerning the matter. I've never revealed what I've done, but both times by the time I've hung up the phone I'm in tears because they told me a hundred times during the conversation how much they love me. I had another conversation after that. I talked with my dad. He told me that he did a lot of things before he got married that he's never told my mom. He was a lot wilder back then. He was ashamed of the things he did, but he still felt forgiven by God.
I guess I feel forgiven by God, but I haven't been able to forgive myself and haven't asked forgiveness from my friend. Over the past few days I've felt better about it, but I feel like there's no turning back. Thoughts about it still linger in the back of my mind. I just don't know what to do.
![[serious]](/data/avatars/m/160/160873.jpg?1431539545){kind=avatar}
