Getting married young

[jshanks3]

Just seeking others' opinion/discussion...

I was married when I was 19 and my wife was 20. May 4th is our One Year!

Anyway, I've noticed that since we were married so young, we are having struggles that a more mature married couple wouldn't be having. Mainly, we are still 'growing up', but we are doing it together...

In the long run, is that better then getting married after your already 'grown up'? I know it is very hard for us sometimes because we are still developing as people, but since we are going through these changes together, wouldn't that strenthen our relationship?

PS We also have a 5 month old baby that is speeding up the whole 'growing up' process for us! (don't bother doing the math )

 

[momof3blessings]

Just depends on what your convictions are. I was 17 and my husband was 19 when we got married. We've been married 17 years now. Yes we too have a son turning 17 next month(no need to do the math either .) We grew up together and are still growing.
Who says a more mature person wouldn't have the same struggles. I've seen people get married older and have the same thing. Most struggles are getting to know each other. By that I mean on a daily basis 24/7 not like when you were dating and went home each night. Those struggles involve everything from sleeping in the same bed to picking which TV show to watch and everything in between(make sense?) As far as developing as people(growing up) that still needs to be done individually but yet together.
Best advice I can give keep your faith STRONG, your love SECURE, take divorce OUT of your vocabulary always talk through your problems and listen when your spouse needs to talk. Show some sort of affection everyday. Remember God is ALWAYS there for you.
I'm sure I'll think of more but right that's all I can think of.

 

[jshanks3]

Some people say that you have more of a chance of 'growing apart' as you get older?

 

[desi]

My wife and I married when we were 18. July our sixth child is due and August will be our 10 year anniversary. It hasn't been easy but it has been well worth it. I think if I had married later in life I would have been set in my ways which would make it harder to compromise.

 

[jshanks3]

I think if I had married later in life I would have been set in my ways which would make it harder to compromise.

Thats my point, so is it hard in the beginning, but better in the long run to have the chance to 'grow up' together as long as there is a strong commitment there?

 

[desi]

Thats my point, so is it hard in the beginning, but better in the long run to have the chance to 'grow up' together as long as there is a strong commitment there?

For us it was extremely hard in the beginning because we both had unrealistic expectations of each other. After four years or so we eventually came to a concensus on most issues which smoothed things over quite a bit. We don't argue much but when we do half the time one of us starts acting silly or gives in to the other. In my case it went from passionate heated debates to a sort of long time friend discussions, 'We'll both laugh about this later.' type of thing. The hard part is the first few years, after that, assuming no cheating has happened, its all gravy.

 

[sarah marie]

How often do we hear from someone who's been divorced: "We were just married too young"? My suspicion is that a large reason for the divorce rate today is not age-related (the stats show most are marrying later). I believe it is that we are bailing out for selfish reasons and using excuses like the above to justify it. Another one is "We grew apart".

You were wondering if your bond would be stronger if the two of you do the rest of your "growing up" together. I honestly don't know. What I do know is that God is perfectly capable of standing in the gap of whatever maturity either of you lack.

My husband and I both waited until we were in our late 20's and we both had bad relationship habits to break. We turned our relationship over to God when we first became interested in each other. Neither of us had any confidence in our own ability not to mess it up. Those bad habits just disappeared and God was our personal counsellor. During our courtship and our marriage, He has stuck with us, even when we haven't stuck with him. Whenever we've taken over and reeked all kinds of havoc, he has healed us. Keep Him right in the middle of your marriage and you will have better counsel than ANY money can buy!

When trouble comes (and it will in some form or another), I urge you not to nurture the following thoughts:

Maybe we were just too young.
I wonder if I missed out on something? Trust me you didn't!
I have a right to be happy. This one kills a lot of marriages. Happiness comes and goes and we are often the cause of our own unhappiness!

A year and a half ago, my husband and I were both incredibly unhappy with each other. It brought us to the brink of divorce. One of us left. The other literally fell on their face in prayer and the next day the one that left was told "You are directly disobeying God" The one's heart melted and he/she came home. Since then, we have had times that we were just content, bored, in love, then bored again, then content, frustrated, in love.... Get the point?

I asked my husband's grandmother for marriage advice before we got married and she said "Just stick together through all the ups and downs". She was married to the same man for 69 years! When she was dying of cancer, she stayed in her own bed as long as she could because she said "I just like to be able to reach over and touch him".

God has a longing to bless our marriages. If we keep our promise to him and stay committed to our marriages and to our promise, He will see us through anything!

 

[Cordy]

How often do we hear from someone who's been divorced: "We were just married too young"? My suspicion is that a large reason for the divorce rate today is not age-related (the stats show most are marrying later). I believe it is that we are bailing out for selfish reasons and using excuses like the above to justify it. Another one is "We grew apart".

You were wondering if your bond would be stronger if the two of you do the rest of your "growing up" together. I honestly don't know. What I do know is that God is perfectly capable of standing in the gap of whatever maturity either of you lack.

My husband and I both waited until we were in our late 20's and we both had bad relationship habits to break. We turned our relationship over to God when we first became interested in each other. Neither of us had any confidence in our own ability not to mess it up. Those bad habits just disappeared and God was our personal counsellor. During our courtship and our marriage, He has stuck with us, even when we haven't stuck with him. Whenever we've taken over and reeked all kinds of havoc, he has healed us. Keep Him right in the middle of your marriage and you will have better counsel than ANY money can buy!

When trouble comes (and it will in some form or another), I urge you not to nurture the following thoughts:

Maybe we were just too young.
I wonder if I missed out on something? Trust me you didn't!
I have a right to be happy. This one kills a lot of marriages. Happiness comes and goes and we are often the cause of our own unhappiness!

A year and a half ago, my husband and I were both incredibly unhappy with each other. It brought us to the brink of divorce. One of us left. The other literally fell on their face in prayer and the next day the one that left was told "You are directly disobeying God" The one's heart melted and he/she came home. Since then, we have had times that we were just content, bored, in love, then bored again, then content, frustrated, in love.... Get the point?

I asked my husband's grandmother for marriage advice before we got married and she said "Just stick together through all the ups and downs". She was married to the same man for 69 years! When she was dying of cancer, she stayed in her own bed as long as she could because she said "I just like to be able to reach over and touch him".

God has a longing to bless our marriages. If we keep our promise to him and stay committed to our marriages and to our promise, He will see us through anything!

Thank you for sharing that one, sarah marie! That is absolutely beautiful!

 

[Cordy]

My husband and I are young. We dated, got engaged and married, as what some might call, quickly. We both just felt lead to be joined in marriage, so we did! And it is great! I don’t think my husband and I feel like we are still growing up into adults, but we are still greatly growing as people and striving to be as God wants us to be. I think it is great to go through all the personal development processes together, because we not only grow as individuals in the Lord, but closer together as a married one. God is so good!

 

[Crofter]

I always belive it is easier yo marry young... because you learn your ways together... rather than learning to get your way in life and then having to adapt to live with someone who has established their own ways etc...


Also when you are young you do not so often come with heaps of broken relationships and lost loves and dreams and secrets that can becomes divisive in a relationship if they are not dealt with properly.

I know a very lovely happy couple who have been together for decades now and they started going out togethr when they were 14. It is nice to see.

May God bless you and your family.

 

[Jenna]

I know plenty of people who never seemed to grow up, no matter their age. Sheesh, my father is the perfect example. So, I think it has more to do with committment, communication, and compromise than age.

 

[Flipper]

There's no way I could have married before my late 20s. I was so immature in my early 20s, and my expectations of a mate were so wrong.

As far as being "set in your ways" when you get older, I think that is a personality trait, not a product of age. My theory is that when you are older, you have a better idea of what kind of person will be the ideal mate. If you had too many expectations when you were younger, you will learn to compromise some of the ones that aren't as important as you get older. If you had too few expectations when you were younger, you learn to have a few more as you get older.

You also have lower tolerance of the dating scene when you get older, which isn't necessarily a bad thing either.

 

[momof3blessings]

Some people say that you have more of a chance of 'growing apart' as you get older?

You can only grow apart if you let yourself grow apart. My husband and I are closer now then when we were younger. Alot of it is constant touch of somekind. (hand holding kissing hugs among other things )keeping lines of communication open. all the stuff I said before. I know lots of it's easier said then done. I've been through more arguements then I care to remember most of it was immaturity and unrealistic expectations. But even when things get hard divorce is never an option.
I've been with my husband over half my life and could never see myself without him.

 

[momof3blessings]

How often do we hear from someone who's been divorced: "We were just married too young"? My suspicion is that a large reason for the divorce rate today is not age-related (the stats show most are marrying later). I believe it is that we are bailing out for selfish reasons and using excuses like the above to justify it. Another one is "We grew apart".

You were wondering if your bond would be stronger if the two of you do the rest of your "growing up" together. I honestly don't know. What I do know is that God is perfectly capable of standing in the gap of whatever maturity either of you lack.

My husband and I both waited until we were in our late 20's and we both had bad relationship habits to break. We turned our relationship over to God when we first became interested in each other. Neither of us had any confidence in our own ability not to mess it up. Those bad habits just disappeared and God was our personal counsellor. During our courtship and our marriage, He has stuck with us, even when we haven't stuck with him. Whenever we've taken over and reeked all kinds of havoc, he has healed us. Keep Him right in the middle of your marriage and you will have better counsel than ANY money can buy!

When trouble comes (and it will in some form or another), I urge you not to nurture the following thoughts:

Maybe we were just too young.
I wonder if I missed out on something? Trust me you didn't!
I have a right to be happy. This one kills a lot of marriages. Happiness comes and goes and we are often the cause of our own unhappiness!

A year and a half ago, my husband and I were both incredibly unhappy with each other. It brought us to the brink of divorce. One of us left. The other literally fell on their face in prayer and the next day the one that left was told "You are directly disobeying God" The one's heart melted and he/she came home. Since then, we have had times that we were just content, bored, in love, then bored again, then content, frustrated, in love.... Get the point?

I asked my husband's grandmother for marriage advice before we got married and she said "Just stick together through all the ups and downs". She was married to the same man for 69 years! When she was dying of cancer, she stayed in her own bed as long as she could because she said "I just like to be able to reach over and touch him".

God has a longing to bless our marriages. If we keep our promise to him and stay committed to our marriages and to our promise, He will see us through anything!

Very well said. I use my great-grandparents as an example in marriage. They were married 74 years. They were always touching and taking care of each other.

 

[Mr.Cheese]

They don't call it growing pains for nothing. Both of you experiencing personal growth in a marriage are going to have a rough time. A child on top of that multiplies the stress.
Ride the storm out.
I was mostly straightened out when I was around 25. I only had a few rough edges to trim when I was married.
But I had no reason to mature faster unlike you guys.
Remember that you are each other's buddy.
You have to give up a lot when you get married. Going out with the guys is pretty much out the window, and stuff like that. But for me, marriage is way better than what I had to give up. So don't think of what you had to give up or forsake when you got married. Think about what you gained.

 

[momof3blessings]

For us it was extremely hard in the beginning because we both had unrealistic expectations of each other. After four years or so we eventually came to a concensus on most issues which smoothed things over quite a bit. We don't argue much but when we do half the time one of us starts acting silly or gives in to the other. In my case it went from passionate heated debates to a sort of long time friend discussions, 'We'll both laugh about this later.' type of thing. The hard part is the first few years, after that, assuming no cheating has happened, its all gravy.

I agree with you. Staying faithful is a very big key issue on both spouses. Even when times are tough your spouse is the only one. Never confide in the oppisite sex your having problems even Christains, things can happen faster then you could ever expect. Staying faithful is not a hard thing to do. It's actually pretty easy.

 

[sarah marie]

You have to give up a lot when you get married. Going out with the guys is pretty much out the window, and stuff like that.

Just curious about what you mean by "going out with the guys is pretty much out the window".

 

[Mr.Cheese]

A lot of people, when they're young, still try to act like they're single. My stock phrase was kind of lame I admit. Basically, the family has priority over social life.
Some people refuse to accept that. I like what Jenna said. She made way more sense than I did.

I was not remotely ready to be married when I was young.

 

[pegatha]

Personally, I would never counsel anyone to marry that young, but since you're already married that's beside the point. Nor do I think it's wise for you to second guess your decison to marry, if it only ends up making you discontent. The two important things here are to keep yourselves spiritually strong and be good to each other. I have two cousins who both married at 16. Twenty-some years later, one is still happily married, and the other is with Husband #3. It's your attitude & the grace of God.

 

[jshanks3]

Personally, I would never counsel anyone to marry that young, but since you're already married that's beside the point. Nor do I think it's wise for you to second guess your decison to marry, if it only ends up making you discontent.

First: I am not second guessing my decision in any way(I love my wife with all my heart)! I am just seeking encouragement/advice on the subject.

Second: We probably wouldn't have gotten married so soon if our assistant pastor & wife didn't encourage use so much. They are a wonderful couple who supported us and encouraged us. Though it may seem that we got married because she was pregnent, we actually got engaged before we knew.