Getting married young....

[PegasusOnFire]

I married at 22, my hubby was 23. We knew eachother for 10 years before getting married. I don't think I married to young. Now my twin sister on the other hand married at 22 and her hubby is 26 I think, and I think they married to young. It depends on your maturity level. My parents were more for my wedding than my sisters, I was married ~4 months before my sister.

 

[Blackbutterfly]

I dont lack maturity, i was just trying to make a point. I wasnt saying that i was prefect, but to him i am. I never said i was and will never think am, and am TRULEY offented that someone would write such thing. Many people assume and just think about what other people have to write. otherwords he was waiting for the right girl.

 

[Cordy]

Just a historical note here for perspective.

I often hear people stating that on average people got married much younger in the past (ex. mid-teens etc.) than they do today (ex. mid-twenties). In actuality, people didn’t get married as young as we think they did in the past. Yes, there were some young brides, but the majority of the women were at least in there late teens and often into their mid-twenties. Men often married in their twenties and thirties. Because of WWII, the age bracket for marriage dropped for a few years, but what happened in the middle of the twentieth century is certainly an exception in history.

As for the rare occations when people did marry young, they had much more experience in life than we do today. Until fairly recently, western society did not hold the same notion of childhood that we do today. Children were considered young adults, and given much more responsibility than we expect from children in our day and time. As a result, people were obligated to matured (on some levels) much more quickly in the past. I think this would have greatly helped people in the past prepare for the responsibilities of marriage.

Also, although there was little to no divorce in the past, there was a whole lot of cheating, abusing and abandoning of wives and families in those times. Today, there are simply legal ways of handling age-old problems.

 

[GirlieGirl]

I dont lack maturity, i was just trying to make a point. I wasnt saying that i was prefect, but to him i am. I never said i was and will never think am, and am TRULEY offented that someone would write such thing. Many people assume and just think about what other people have to write. otherwords he was waiting for the right girl.

Alright, alright I'll rephrase.

I know you don't think you lack maturity. However, I think you do.

I know you don't believe that you're perfect (it would be pretty silly if you did). However, I believe that you're relying too much on his rosey statement that you are the perfect girl for him. Sounds like he's got you on a pedastal right now. And when the realities of marriage sink in, you will fall. Which is good- you don't want to be on the pedastal. But often marriage partners bail on eachother when they are see that their expectations aren't be met. Your situation sounds at risk for that.

And it's okay to be truly offended. I still belief it's the truth. And the truth often offends. But it's not my intent to ruffle your feathers. So please accept my apologies if it really bothered you. You're going to get married regardless so you can just look at this as a last faint cry of caution.

 

[Flipper]

I dont lack maturity, i was just trying to make a point. I wasnt saying that i was prefect, but to him i am. I never said i was and will never think am, and am TRULEY offented that someone would write such thing. Many people assume and just think about what other people have to write. otherwords he was waiting for the right girl.

I never said that I thought you were immature. I don't know you well enough. I just know that I wasn't at your age and most people I know wasn't at your age.

Why don't you do this: Print this thread out and keep it in a safe place. Ten years from now, take it out, read it, and ask yourself if you were mature enough.

 

[LiberatedChick]

For me it was this point that struck me as being immature.

If he did, i could go straight to his commandar and tell on him, possibley get him kicked out of the army.

Doesn't mean that you are....no one here could say that because none of us know you in real life. We can only give our impressions based on what you posted, some of which probably didn't come across to well.

 

[sammipher]

I got married on the day of my 22 birthday...I haven't regretted getting married at a somewhat young age...the thing is...is that marriage is a bond between two people...so I wouldnt let others discouraged you...The Lord will carry you and your husband through on those tuff times apart.

 

[InTheFlame]

I don't know if you're too young or too immature. I'd need to know you a lot better first! The thing is, though, immaturity only matters if it causes you to -

- be prideful and assume you know all you need to about relationships (you don't, trust me! But either do I)
- skip the hard work involved in getting to know each other enough and gaining the skills you need to build a successful marriage.

Here's some things you can do to ease the fears of your respective parents AND give yourselves a good basis for marriage -

- PRAY and talk to your pastor/minister

- go to a pre-marriage counsellor or course. Work hard on the questionnaire(s) and talk and think prayerfully about the input you get from the counsellor or course leader. THey will have seen a LOT of relationships fail, and they will have a fair idea what they're talking about. Consider what they say even if you don't like it.

- Learn to communicate with each other in a loving way. I don't mean babbling sweet nothings But for example, being able to tell the person that their behaviour is causing you a problem without being harsh or attacking, or manipulative. If the pre-marital counselling doesn't cover this, most relationship counselling services will run some sort of course that will.

- read good christian books on relationships and marriage. Boundaries in Dating, Five Love Languages, Fit To Be Tied. Talk about the issues these books bring up.

Keep in mind that you both DO have character flaws which could rip your relationship apart. You both need to be aware of these flaws and be able to communicate with each other, and hold each other accountable before God, and always act in love.

 

[Blackbutterfly]

Listen gurliegirl, I wasnt trying to attack you. It made me mad that someone would try and define me and his relationship. The statement or "rosey" statement as you put was true. He hasnt lied to me in our whole two years, so therefore why would i not have a reason to believe him. His a very good guy and i tend believe good people. Im not immature. If you dont believe then believe this, I had to raise myself. My mother was never there for me, I know how to do things most 18 years dont. I hold down a full time job and live by myself. I pay my own bills. If thats lacking maturity, well then for goodness sake im immature. I know your going to say, being able to do all that doesnt mean your mature. But in reality my dear, you cant judge a book by its cover. You dont know me, please dont put lables on me. I dont know you and im not going to act like i do. Just because you were mean to me, doesnt mean that you are a mean person all together and you do deserve respect, and yes i feel that you have disprespected me. as for me saying that i would go to his commander if he ever cheated on me, i was only stateing that if he thought about cheating on me, he would be able to think of not only our relationship but also of the conquense. I wasnt saying because im immature. Its a known fact that the military does look down upon spouses cheating on each other. He doesnt have me on any pedastal as you put it. when he tells me the truth, then i most likey believe him. Its not like we have been together for two months, we have been together for almost two years. I believe that changes everything when you spend everyday with someone. I didnt ask you if you thought we had a good relationship, i was asking if i should listen to people who said we shouldnt get married so forget what they ask, and ovbiously i shoudnt. thanks InTheFlame, you had some good advise and also Sammipher!! thanx to anyone gave me advise instead of critizing me.

 

[Sascha Fitzpatrick]

Blackbutterfly,

First of all, let me say that you are pretty brave coming here asking for advice - anyone IMHO who generally wants advice about a situation and does so on a forum, is pretty brave!

I can't get into whether you are mature or not - I don't know you well enough. However, I would advise a couple of things, being in the situation you are in right now...

1) Talk to your parents. Just don't assume WHY they are 'hesitant' but find out. Be respectful in these discussions and find out what worries them about it. If they are Christian, have a solid prayer time with them and your fiance about these 'issues'. Ask them what you can do to ease their minds, and see if any of that is possible. Believe it or not - some times this DOES work!

2) Talk to your minister, or the head of marriage/premarital counselling in your church. I am sure that they will have a questionnair like PREPARE that they can go through with you and discuss things with you that comes up out of it. If nothing is available where you are to discuss topics with an older married counselling couple, head to somewhere like Relationships Australia (I'm sure there'd be something like this closeby to you). Even if you think you've got everything covered, it's amazing how much a course like this can uncover!

3) Find an older woman who is a Christian, and has a military husband. Having someone alongside you as you're 'finding your feet' with being a 'posting widow' will help you SO much - they have been where you are, and can be a great friend when your hubby is off serving, and you're missing him like crazy!

4) Find some good married couples that are Christian and you respect, and see if they are willing to mentor you. I'm hoping my bf and I can find a couple like this willing to do this, when we get engaged. It is always good to include others who will support you and keep you accountable, and minister to you during this tricky adjustment times.

Like ITF said - Boundaries in Dating is GREAT! I also found a good book called '50 questions you should ask before you get engaged', or something like that (can't remember) - has a heck of a lot of good questions that you and your fiance should be going through before getting married. I also REALLY liked the books 'Every Man's Marriage' and 'Sacred Marriage'.

Military life is a HUGE adjustment, when you get married. My cousin is married to an ex-military guy, and although he never went on active duty during his work there, it did cause a lot of stressors on their marriage, and the only way she got through it is because she had an older married woman on the base who she could talk to when the going gets tough. Never underestimate how good someone like this can be for your marriage!

God bless you and I hope everything works out well for you!

Sasch

 

[flyin high]

I was engaged at 19 and married 4 days before my 22nd birthday. My husband is three years older than me. We started dating when he was 19 and I was 16, therefore we dated 6 years before we got married. Marriage was the next step in our relationship and that felt natural. We waited to get married because we both wanted to be out of school and have jobs before we ventured out on our own.

It's been a little over a year and we are still going strong It's alot of work though! Especially in the first year, we both have discovered so much about each other and ourselves. There were times, I'll admit, that i wondered why we got married. But when everything is kept in perspective and we put God in the center, we were able to understand and learn from everything we were going through.

Marriage is something that people are ready for a different times in their life. For my DH and I we knew that we were going to get married and it wasn't something that we rushed into or took lightly. For us the key was not to be delusional and think that marriage would be all love and no work, we knew that we would have to work harder in our marriage than we did while we were dating.

 

[Blackbutterfly]

thanx flying high...i agree...

 

[InTheFlame]

FlyingHigh - was there anything you can pinpoint that you did do before marriage that really helped you through the first year? And anything you didn't do before the wedding that you think would've really helped you both adjust better?

 

[ElderMan2000]

W/O reading everyone elses replies, i'm going to reply to put my 2 cents in.

My spouse and I were married fairly young, 20 / 21 and are still married happily with one child.

It all depends on your level of maturity, mentally and spirutaylly and what level of dedication you have for eachother.

 

[pegatha]

If you dont believe then believe this, I had to raise myself. My mother was never there for me, I know how to do things most 18 years dont. I hold down a full time job and live by myself. I pay my own bills... I know your going to say, being able to do all that doesnt mean your mature. But in reality my dear, you cant judge a book by its cover. You dont know me, please dont put lables on me.

I don't think anyone here was trying to be critical; it's just that we remember what it was like to be "mature" eighteen-year-olds ourselves. We know the difference a few years made in our judgement, our values, and our goals. I admire that you're self-supporting and seem to have chosen a good, honest, hard-working young man, but you're still missing an important point. Eighteen years is still only eighteen years. The fact that you "raised yourself" without a mother makes me more concerned about your readiness, not less, because that sounds like a hurt you may still be dealing with. Besides, what would really be wrong with putting the wedding off a couple of years while you both save up some money and take some time to grow as individuals?

 

[GirlieGirl]

Listen gurliegirl, I wasnt trying to attack you. It made me mad that someone would try and define me and his relationship. The statement or "rosey" statement as you put was true. He hasnt lied to me in our whole two years, so therefore why would i not have a reason to believe him. His a very good guy and i tend believe good people. Im not immature. If you dont believe then believe this, I had to raise myself. My mother was never there for me, I know how to do things most 18 years dont. I hold down a full time job and live by myself. I pay my own bills. If thats lacking maturity, well then for goodness sake im immature. I know your going to say, being able to do all that doesnt mean your mature. But in reality my dear, you cant judge a book by its cover. You dont know me, please dont put lables on me. I dont know you and im not going to act like i do. Just because you were mean to me, doesnt mean that you are a mean person all together and you do deserve respect, and yes i feel that you have disprespected me. as for me saying that i would go to his commander if he ever cheated on me, i was only stateing that if he thought about cheating on me, he would be able to think of not only our relationship but also of the conquense. I wasnt saying because im immature. Its a known fact that the military does look down upon spouses cheating on each other. He doesnt have me on any pedastal as you put it. when he tells me the truth, then i most likey believe him. Its not like we have been together for two months, we have been together for almost two years. I believe that changes everything when you spend everyday with someone. I didnt ask you if you thought we had a good relationship, i was asking if i should listen to people who said we shouldnt get married so forget what they ask, and ovbiously i shoudnt.

Good Lord. This is silly. I didn't think you were attacking...but now I do

None of my statements have been mean so enough of that.

Honestly, I don't think you got it because of your responses and attitude. And holding up your upbringing as a badge doesn't doo much to prove your maturity. I'm sorry you had a difficult time in your years. Guess what? Me too. Only I raised myself and my siblings since I was 16. Did that add leagues onto my maturity level? Well no, not exactly. It certainly didn't make me more ready for marriage - if anyting it gave me issues I had to work through before I got married. ("I can only depend on myself - everyone else will let you down." "Men only cause hurt - look at what dad did"...and so on).

All in all, I have to wrap up the same way I've done before. If this is from God, you should get married. And if it's not, well, you're getting married anyways. So again my dear, I bid you happy vows.

 

[Blackbutterfly]

all i can say, is whatever, all i know is you dont know me and you cant judge someone by a tiny saying, you cant really say im immature because you DONT know me...well anyways thats all i really have to say to you. Im not trying to attack you, i just feel instead of trying to tell me that you think im immature, you should probley get to know me first. thats all, I have raised myself since i was 10-11. Im not hurt by, i have let the past go, its called forgiveness. I trust dave with all my heart, and i depend alot on him. We are each others best friend. If we ever have a problem we know we can turn to each other. Yes i believe maturity has alot to do with it, But we feel its time. We dont want to wait, we want to do it right now. (know i should be kicking myself, because someone is going to have to say somethinhg, instead of saying, okay thats something that they want to do) because we love each other. My heart is telling me to do it. Both of us do agree that marriage is going to be hard and we both know we have our parts, that we have to work as a team, and we are also not taking this lightly. This is something that we have thought long and hard about, we didnt decided this over night, this was something that we sat and talked about and decided together. I appreate your input Gurlie, but i guess i jsut dont agree with what you said, and thats okay that i dont agree. Im a very sensenstive person, so i think everything that everyone says is mean. I dont mean to a brat, or "immature", its just how i am. But i honestly think this is best thing for me right now, i believe that it would help make me a better person. I think that as all indiviuals, we are selfish, being married, you dont have room to be selfish. no thats not the only reason, thats just the tip of the iceberg...anyway gotta zoom!

 

[flyin high]

FlyingHigh - was there anything you can pinpoint that you did do before marriage that really helped you through the first year? And anything you didn't do before the wedding that you think would've really helped you both adjust better?

The biggest thing we did was Christian marriage counseling by the pastor that married us. We had to work through exercises and discuss different issues. He helped us see what it REALLY took to keep a marriage healthy and together. There was no topic off limits...

I also spent alot of time just talking to my mother and his mother about marriage in general. Both of them were married around the same age as we were getting married and to have their perspective was invaluable.

I guess the biggest shock to us was in the financial realm. Since we were married kind of young we dont have a ton of money. Although the Lord blessed us and we were able to buy a house (a great investment). But he lived at home until we were married, with not alot of financial responsibilities. But we worked it out because i lived away from my parents for 5 years of school, so i had a better grasp on how to budget, so we decided that I would handle the budget.

That's probably the only thing that was a shock to us when we got married.

 

[kingzjewel]

I'm almost 19 and my fiance has just turned 20. He proposed to me in Feb, right before he left for the army. He's parents didn't even know about that until about a week ago, and they arn't that happy. Everyone in my family is okay with it. But my fear is, I've heard so much about how young marriages fail. We have been together for almost 2 years, and are planning to marry on our 2 year ann (March 1). But what makes me most mad, is the fact that he's parents married when his mom was 19 and dad 21 and they have been married for 35 years, but are still telling us to wait. We really love each other. I could never think of my life without him. But because of everyone, I have been stained and am kind of afraid to get married in fear of ending it soon thereafter. I do not believe in divorce, but am fearful it might happen anyway. Please can someone help me, he's in Germany and can not help me. I have lost much sleep over this situation, and when I do think about i come close to tears. I never want to lose him. Can someone help me??? Thank you and god bless you! Rachelle

married when i was 21 and hubby was 19...still going strong 3 years later. when it's right God makes it blessed

 

[katelyn]

I got married when I was 20; hubby was 21. We wanted to get married before then, but his mom was concerned that we were too young. At first I took it personally, but then I was able to see where she was coming from and that what she was saying made sense.

I know it isn't fun listening to advice that goes against what you want to do, but generally when it's someone who knows and loves you, they are doing it for a good reason, not just because they like giving you a hard time. Maybe it's not a reason you will end up totally agreeing with, but I still think it's worth seriously thinking about it and trying to understand the reasons they are concerned before taking the next step.