Getting married young....

[Blackbutterfly]

I'm almost 19 and my fiance has just turned 20. He proposed to me in Feb, right before he left for the army. He's parents didn't even know about that until about a week ago, and they arn't that happy. Everyone in my family is okay with it. But my fear is, I've heard so much about how young marriages fail. We have been together for almost 2 years, and are planning to marry on our 2 year ann (March 1). But what makes me most mad, is the fact that he's parents married when his mom was 19 and dad 21 and they have been married for 35 years, but are still telling us to wait. We really love each other. I could never think of my life without him. But because of everyone, I have been stained and am kind of afraid to get married in fear of ending it soon thereafter. I do not believe in divorce, but am fearful it might happen anyway. Please can someone help me, he's in Germany and can not help me. I have lost much sleep over this situation, and when I do think about i come close to tears. I never want to lose him. Can someone help me??? Thank you and god bless you! Rachelle

 

[LiberatedChick]

I don't know what people have got against folks marrying in there early twenties these days. My mums parents married when my grandma was 21...my grandad must have been about 23. My dads parents also would have married in there early twenties and they've celebrated 55 years of marriage this year. My parents married when my mum was 19 and my dad was 20. They'll be celebrating their 25th wedding anniversary this year.

These days though people look at someone as being strange if they get married any younger than mid to late twenties. I think the difference is that many folks want to have a career before getting married and having children. They see marriage and children as "settling down" and that personal goals can't be achieved once you've reached that stage of your life. They're wrong though. Many women have families and continue their careers whilst successfully balancing work and family and some people just simply don't want a career at all. Another thing many people give as a reason for not marrying in your early twenties is "oh but you need to live a little before settling down". They seem to believe that younger people should be going out partying until the small hours of the morning, getting incredibly drunk and sleeping with random guys they've just met. They seem to think that this is "living a little" that it's fun and something we'd all want to do. Well sorry, maybe I'm strange but I've never wanted to do that. Anyway, that's the common thoughts of people I've met. Though you're right in saying that many folks think that the younger you marry the more chance of divorce. I don't think that's the case...I think the less mature you are when you marry the more chance of divorce. I've always been pretty mature for my age...whilst some people I see that are around my age act like they're 12. I think maturity amoungst folks between the ages of 16 and 25 varies greatly...some are very mature and some just aren't. Shame that some people assume, based on someones age and little else, that they're one of the not so very mature ones.

 

[Jenna]

It's not about age, but commitment. Regardless of what age a couple is when they marry, they have to always keep it in the front of their mind that they are bound for life and that they are "one flesh" with each other until death. You have to always remember that you made a promise before God that needs to be honored. If each person does their best to always honor their promise and fight for the relationship, then things should go well. It has little to do with age, but takes a lot of maturity to take on something so serious. If you both believe that you are mature enough to keep your integrity and honor when the pressure of the world is on you, then that is wonderful.

I faced a lot of bad attitudes when my husband and I became engaged also, being that we were pretty young. Everyone figured that we were going to "fail". I've found that instead of arguing with people, the best way that I can put them in their place is to have the most wonderful marriage possible. As the years go by, they will realize on their own that they were judging unfairly.

 

[meliru25]

I was 21 when I married my husband (who was 24) after only 4 months of dating. My family didn't know what to be worried about! Was I too young or did I know him well enough? I don't think that they were wrong with their concerns. I mean, they did have valid points. But, my husband and I were the only ones who truly understood our relationship and the dynamics behind it. We were the only ones who knew that we were in this forever and that we were serious about being married. Each year that we celebrate an anniversary is our way of showing the doubters that we knew what we were getting into all along. As long as you and your fiancee know what marriage entails and the two of you are prepared for all of the challenges then I wouldn't worry about what everyone else is saying.

 

[LiberatedChick]

Everyone figured that we were going to "fail". I've found that instead of arguing with people, the best way that I can put them in their place is to have the most wonderful marriage possible. As the years go by, they will realize on their own that they were judging unfairly.

We were the only ones who knew that we were in this forever and that we were serious about being married.

Very true points.

 

[MrsGnomeCrusher]

I think a lot of parents just want to stop their children from making a "mistake" or missing out on something that they missed out on. I think, looking back, they may know that they missed out on some things being married at a young age and they want to see both of you have the opportunity to do that. I know it can be, but I think the majority of the time, it isn't personal.

Plus the fact that he's in the military . . . I'm ex-military and you see a higher divorce rate than the civilian world. You see a tougher time keeping a marriage together because there are going to be times where you're away from each other 6 months+ to a year and a half or more. I saw so many young couples, your age and younger, that struggled and were not happy and married for the same reasons you did. There's an awful lot of stress just being married. But now you'll be married to him AND the military--even if you don't think so.

I don't know your situation and how soon that you want to get married. You state you don't want to lose him. Do you think marrying him will make that happen? It won't. If it's meant to be, it's meant to be and God will see you together. How about a long engagement? Go visit him in Germany. He can take leave. What is your reasoning of getting married so soon?

 

[okiemommy26]

I just turned 19 when i got married to my husband who was 24 at the time. We will be married 7yrs on nov. 8th. We only knew each other about 3 months before we got married also. My parents where 22 and 24 and they have been married now for 31yrs and my husbands parents where 18 and 22 and they have been married 31yrs also. I think it makes it last when you know what a commitment is and you know you made that commitment in front of the Lord and that you have God in your marriage is what makes it last.

 

[kez]

I got married at 19, had 4 children during the first 9 years of marrage. My husband was 21. We were too young...I say this because as a women Im very independent and like to feel in control of my life. Having a husband and kids changes who you are...(maybe its having kids)...Im not sure all I can say is I wish we had waited maybe 2 or 3 years..I wish Id lived on my own for awhile and done stuff...travel, gotten a degree or somthing. I feel like Ive blinked and now Im 31...When you get married young you sorta grow up together or you grow apart...Keep that in mind K...Stay very focused on each other and never let stuff go..resolve it or it WILL come back and bit you in the butt..

Im not against getting married young BUT I think waiting to have children is important and maybe going to a family life marrage conference to get tools to secure your marrage in the foundation on God...

 

[pegatha]

But what makes me most mad, is the fact that he's parents married when his mom was 19 and dad 21 and they have been married for 35 years, but are still telling us to wait. We really love each other. I could never think of my life without him.

Maybe they're not being hypocritical. Maybe they're painfully aware of just how difficult early marriage can be, and are anxious for you two to wait and enter it with a little more maturity so you won't face the struggles they may have faced.

Plus there's the fact that he's in the military. Please re-read Caelda's post very carefully. I'm also former military and I'm married to a man who spent over twenty years in the military, so I know something of the stresses and the "culture shock" that await a young civilian wife. Your husband may be away from you for long periods of time... perhaps at a time when you're thousands of miles away from your own parents, with a young infant, and too new in town to have made many friends (which is what happened to me). You may not have the personal choices you're used to taking for granted: not only the city and country that you live in, but perhaps the very apartment; where you're allowed to shop, and how much you're allowed to buy of certain items; the doctors you're allowed to see; whether you're even allowed to enter the building where your husband works. You may be stationed in a foreign country where the military stores are poorly stocked, but the local stores are too expensive or don't carry the American products you need. The pay is low at your husband's level, and it's not unknown for the wives of officers and senior NCOs to be less than helpful--sometimes downright snobby--to the wives of lower-ranking enlisted men. In fact, has your fiance checked to see whether his command will "sponsor" you to join him in Germany? If he's just a private, they may or they may not, in which case it may be very, very expensive for you to join him there and live off-base.

Am I saying you shouldn't marry him? No. But I'm trying to stress that you're entering completely different world when you become part the military. It takes a lot of maturity to handle the stresses, and it might be something you'd be better prepared to handle a couple of years down the road. Especially if you've never been away from home before.

So why is it important to marry him right now? What would be the problem with waiting a year or two?

 

[Blackbutterfly]

I don't feel the fact that he is the military has anything to do with it. He's been gone almost a year, The hurry is he went into the army for us to have a future. We just want to spend the rest of our lives together. We don't (well me anyway) plan on having kids until like 5 years after we get married. I beleive that me and soon to be hubby should as much together (just the two of us) or as much "alone time" as possible. My parents got married at 19 and 21 and they diivorced after 21 years. But that was only because they never really loved each other. They also got married after like 4 months of dating. Then right after they got married my mom got pregnant. SO....i believe being alone with your spouse has a lot to do with it. But i truley beleive in my heart that we are meant to be together. We have through so with each other. At least we were together for almost a year before we got engaged. And then another year after we will be married. SO...if you think about it, its really not a rush. I don't know, maybe I'm just worried because the divorce rate is so high. Thats not to say that I'm worried about our relationship. God has blessed me with a truley great guy, and a truley wonderful relationship. But I'm just worried that like 20 years later, I'm going to be like I'm tired of you, I want a divorce. I don't want that. Specially if we have kids. I took what my parents divorce did to me, and I don't want to do that to my kids. My family seems perfectly fine with it, expect my mom, but I think, she thinks I'm going to do the same mistake she did. When I said, I didn't want to lose him, I meant in a divorce. He's not pushing me to get married, but he does want to do it as soon as possible. Basically i just want to know if getting married is a mistake (so young). Thanks for the insite guys!!! i really do appreate it! (sorry cant spell worth whooy) Thank you!!!!

 

[Blackbutterfly]

Sorry i didnt finish my thing. Since hes been gone, sure i miss him, but i know the reasons hes in the military and i think that kinda of reasures me. I've been trying to get him to go see his commarender, but he keeps making up excauses (jerk). I've talked to a few people and i keep hearing the same thing. SO i guess because of that, im really not worried. As for like places where i cant shop, hes in Kaiserslautern (near French boarder),but its a really popular Army town. But...just had to say that....

 

[GirlieGirl]

There is evidence against young marriages.

"Figures released last year from the National Center for Health Statistics
found nearly half of marriages in which the bride is 18 or younger end in
separation or divorce within 10 years. For brides 25 and older, half as many
marriages break up."
--From an Associated Press story printed as "More teens jumping the broom" in USA Today

Statistically the deck is stacked higher against you. You can see it from the statistics and you can see if from personal stories of other young marrieds that divorced.

Ultimately though, you should be asking yourself if God wants you to marry. Do you really have a "Yes" answer from Him? 100%? Remember, love and desiring eachother will not get you through. Sadly it won't come close. You've got have more than that.

 

[MaryAlaina]

My experience......I got engaged at 19, married at 20 (he was 23). While he was supposedly the "perfect Christian guy", we really weren't really ideally suited for one another. Being young and in love, we thought we were. Fast forward 10 years, I found out he had cheated on me multiple times, and I ended up marrying a non-Christian, in rebellion, as marrying a Christian guy hadn't worked for me.

I just think that at 20 and younger, you really don't even know who YOU are, much less who and what you want and need. You think you do (believe me, I thought I did), but so much maturing happens in your 20s. I have advised my daughter to wait until AFTER she finishes college to get married.

I wish I had waited until at least 25 to marry. I would have made a better decision for sure.

 

[Blackbutterfly]

I dont know for me ( i have really strong morals and beliefs) and one of those beliefs is getting married young. Thats how they used to do it in the old days and no one got a divorce, well part of that was they coundnt..lol. And i know for a fact that he would never cheat on me, and your probley thinking, ooo ya right, but think about it. If he did, i could go straight to his commandar and tell on him, possibley get him kicked out of the army. and 2nd, (dont take this the wrong way) im his first girlfriend/love, and your probley thinking ya right again, but tis true! He told he didnt want to be with anyone until he found the perfect girl (which just happened to be me). I think to really make a relationship work you have to be compatiable. And beleive me we are beyond compatiable. I think the only difference between us, his shy, Im not! But we kinda balance each other. He wasnt doing so good in his life, and i helped turned him around for the better (made him get his GED and get into the military) when i wasnt looking for a job, he kicked my butt in gear. So i think you have to help each other. I dont know, i guess i just wanted to hear insite. We are going to marry March 1, some people agree with it, some people dont. But the fact of the matter is, we're both adults and would like to commit ourselves to each other. But thanx guys!!! God bless you all!!!

 

[LiberatedChick]

"Figures released last year from the National Center for Health Statistics
found nearly half of marriages in which the bride is 18 or younger end in
separation or divorce within 10 years. For brides 25 and older, half as many
marriages break up."

I think this is a maturity thing again. If you took 100 16 year olds the vast majority of them would be pretty immature. If you took 100 18 year olds, many of these would still be immature but this would be less than the 16 year olds. Then if you took 100 21 year olds less of these still would be immature people. Until you reach 25 and the majority of the 100 people are not immature at all.

My husband and I were engaged at 16...we did not get married right away because we a) had no money to b) had an education to finish c) had no where to live afterwards d) had no money to get anywhere to live afterwards. At 18 we moved in together, we'd finished school but still did not have money set aside for the wedding we wanted. This year, at 21, we got married. I don't think that, had we been able to get married at 16 or 18, that our marriage would have failed. We are both mature people and since we're still together now then I don't see why getting a married younger would have changed anything for us.

Though, after saying that I've just thought of another thing about those statistics. I think it could also be likely that many of the maturer people who are 18 or younger simply don't get married at those ages. They realise they need to get themselves standing on there own two feet first and that get married can wait until then. Thus leaving the immature folks rushing in like headless chickens into something they can't sustain or don't know how to.

And i know for a fact that he would never cheat on me, and your probley thinking, ooo ya right, but think about it. If he did, i could go straight to his commandar and tell on him, possibley get him kicked out of the army

Um...one question. Do you think this is a good way to deal with things if he cheated on you? Surely hitting back at him and seeking revenge would just kill your relationship there and then. If ever faced with such a situation, whilst I'd be angry, my first goal would be to try and save our marriage rather than seek revenge.

 

[Vegeta7286]

I believe we were ment to get married around the ages of 18 and so on...Don't believe any statistic, if you feel its time for you to get married then go for it.

 

[okiemommy26]

I got married at 19, had 4 children during the first 9 years of marrage. My husband was 21. We were too young...I say this because as a women Im very independent and like to feel in control of my life. Having a husband and kids changes who you are...(maybe its having kids)...Im not sure all I can say is I wish we had waited maybe 2 or 3 years..I wish Id lived on my own for awhile and done stuff...travel, gotten a degree or somthing. I feel like Ive blinked and now Im 31...When you get married young you sorta grow up together or you grow apart...Keep that in mind K...Stay very focused on each other and never let stuff go..resolve it or it WILL come back and bit you in the butt..

Im not against getting married young BUT I think waiting to have children is important and maybe going to a family life marrage conference to get tools to secure your marrage in the foundation on God...

Yes but sometimes the children come along before you have done anything as a couple. My daughter was born about 7 months after we got married. I wished i had gotten my degree before i got married but i didnt and im in college now and so is my hubby it does make it harder but we are surviving fine. Any marriage is hard.

 

[Flipper]

I got married at 26 and when I look at what I was like at 20, I'm so glad and thankful that I waited. Don't get me wrong, I thought I was "mature" and ready at 20, but it took getting a little older to realize I wasn't.

 

[GirlieGirl]

I dont know for me ( i have really strong morals and beliefs) and one of those beliefs is getting married young. Thats how they used to do it in the old days and no one got a divorce, well part of that was they coundnt..lol. And i know for a fact that he would never cheat on me, and your probley thinking, ooo ya right, but think about it. If he did, i could go straight to his commandar and tell on him, possibley get him kicked out of the army. and 2nd, (dont take this the wrong way) im his first girlfriend/love, and your probley thinking ya right again, but tis true! He told he didnt want to be with anyone until he found the perfect girl (which just happened to be me). I think to really make a relationship work you have to be compatiable. And beleive me we are beyond compatiable. I think the only difference between us, his shy, Im not! But we kinda balance each other. He wasnt doing so good in his life, and i helped turned him around for the better (made him get his GED and get into the military) when i wasnt looking for a job, he kicked my butt in gear. So i think you have to help each other. I dont know, i guess i just wanted to hear insite. We are going to marry March 1, some people agree with it, some people dont. But the fact of the matter is, we're both adults and would like to commit ourselves to each other. But thanx guys!!! God bless you all!!!

Suspected there was no convincing you otherwise. Ah well...

My gut feeling from your description above is that you are lacking maturity. Once you have a few experiences, you place little stock in "He told he didnt want to be with anyone until he found the perfect girl." Once you're married, he's going to realize that you're not the perfect girl, and he's not the perfect guy. You're going to have to learn to deal with eachother's flaws. And "compatible" isn't a gaurantee either.

Bottom line is it's gotta be from God. And it's gotta be His timing. Anyhow, happy vows.

 

[PegasusOnFire]

My Brother in law married at 18 his wife is 16, they have one child. I think they are a great couple, the child came before the marraige for those of you wondering.