Getting married-Parents Divorced

[JillLars]

I am getting married in 2 years. My parents divorced last april. My mom has since moved on and is in a serious relationship (I really like him, he's a nice guy). My dad has just started dating again. But, when I talk to my dad about getting married he doesn't seem that excited about it. He loves Josh, and he really wants us to get married, I think he just isn't looking forward to going to a wedding (much less his eldest daughter's wedding) without anyone to share it with. I am hoping that things work out and my dad finds someone, but I'm just wondering for those of you who got married after your parents divorced, was it akward, did you encounter problems, what did you do to make things go smoother?

 

[seebs]

In my case, it was extra complicated because my dad and I were only barely on speaking terms at the time; he remarried without even telling me. It turns out that my stepmom had to browbeat him something fierce to get him to show up for my wedding. He and my mom were civil enough, so that wasn't such a problem. (She's not dating, so far as I know.)

We did have to schedule my wedding around when my mom could be in town, since she lived in California at the time.

 

[JillLars]

Thanks for responding seebs! I'm not so much worried about my mom and dad not being civil, cause they are on speaking terms and everything, but my dad's family is not fond of my mom (had a fight with grandma last summer about that :o) I'm pretty sure everyone will behave, I just don't want things to be akward. I want both of my parents to enjoy themselves. I am very glad its not for another two years, hopefully our families can work past some of this junk and maybe my dad will even find someone he would want to bring with to my wedding (he went on a date with a very nice lady on friday) *crosses fingers*

 

[LN]

Hi Jill,

I photograph weddings for a living and having divorced parents there is really very common. Its always akward if its a fresh divorce but its fine. Don't be afraid to tell your photographer the situation and tell him/her exactly how you want them to handle it. Its always bad when people don't tell me and I have to figure out for myself who is comfortable around who. You parents won't even have to interact really if you don't want them to. The only time they will be around each other is the posed family photos and again, you can just tell the photographer exactly how you want the groupings to go and it won't be a problem. Although I can understand how its stressful, I tell all my clients not to worry about it too much because having divorced and remarried parents at a wedding is more common than not. And most parents will smile and make the best out of everything for the sake of their children.

Like I said, logistically - they don't even need to be anywhere around each other.

LN

 

[JillLars]

Wow LN, I didn't even think about photographs, how do people usually do the pictures, do they take one pic with mom and boyfriend and one with dad and boyfriend or all together? (I don't even know if we will have family photographs taken professionally, but just in case it'd be good to plan that out ahead of time).

 

[mle]

You are in a difficult situation. My Dad ended up not coming to my wedding. It hurt my feeelings but at least my mom was happy. I think that so much can happen in two years you should not worry about it yet. Your Dad will be sharing your wedding with someone. That someone is YOU and your husband to be! Dads are not usually ones to get too excited about weddings in the first place and seeing an ex must make it more difficult to bear.

One friend had her step dad and her dad walk her up the aisle together The dads did not like each other and had a hard time doing this.
One mother I know showed up at her sons wedding and her seat was taken by her ex's girlfriend, and unexpected guest. The mom kicked the kids out of the other front row seats and the siblings had to find new seats somewhere.
My dad said if my moms husband was going to be at my wedding he wouldn't go. I'm not even close wiht my moms husband but I had to do the right thing and envite him and allow my dad to make that decision for himself.

There are many complicated situations and no one could ever be so well prepared for their wedding that they could imagine every single situation that could possibly come up. Just do the best you can with what you have and enjoy your special day come what may.

 

[JillLars]

wow, mle, I don't think my parents will do anything too rash. They see each other at least a few times a week because I still have 3 brothers living at home, so they spend 2 weeks with mom, and 2 weeks with dad, but they are pretty open. Apparently my mom talked to my dad about his date and he told her he had fun, so I don't think I'll have too much to worry about. I know I will be inviting my mom's boyfriend, and if my dad has a girlfriend when I get married I'd love for her to come too. I hope my marriage turns out better than my parents' did!

 

[LN]

Well in terms of photos I can only speak for myself - people who hire me are looking for documentary coverage of their wedding and only want minimal posed family portraits. Therefore, the time of posed portraits is usually like 20 mintues max.

With a divorced parent it usually goes

B&G, mom and significant other (if there is one)
B&G, dad and significant other (if there is one)
B&G, dad and SO on one side, mom and SO on the other side (this photo is taken only sometimes and its for the B&G to have. each parent will want one of the above photos).

In order to photograph the photo with both set of parents in it, it depends on how well the divorced parents get along. So for example if they are not even speaking, I'll put girls on one side (so bride and the two moms on one side) and the guys on the other side (so groom and two dads on the other side). If they are speaking, I'll put the bride's parents on the side with the bride and the groom's parents on the side of the groom.

LN

 

[JillLars]

Thanks LN, I will keep that in mind! My parents are on speaking terms luckily, and hopefully things will be even better in 2 years (crossing my fingers)

 

[minus]

I'm getting married in June. My parents are divorced as are my fiance's parents. I'm not really worried about them not getting along. But I am worried about seating, pics and those types of things.

I'd also be surprised if my grandmother on my moms side shows up since she has a huge problem with holding grudges and has already stated that she dosen't want to be in the same room as my dads side of the family. Infact I doubt if anybody from my moms side is going to show up since they're all involved in all this petty bickering with eachother, my mom dosen't even want me to bother sending out invitations to any of them out of fear that it'll open up a big can of worms with all the fighting factions in her family. Its a pretty stressful situation.

 

[selune]

Honey, it's your wedding. If you would like to send the invites to people, do so. Not sending an invite may open a bigger can of worms due to the thought that you were spurning someone or taking sides. These people have been adults for longer than you and it's a sad statement on their part if they can't suck it up and be civil for the joy that is your wedding. I hope things go well and everything is beautiful.

Bless you and your future husband.

 

[ceres]

My parents were divorced when I was very young, but my mom is still resentful towards my dad. Both are remarried and of course brought their significant others which went fine. Also remember the seating, the parents always sit in the front row, and I chose to have my mom in the front row with stepdad and their children, and my dad and stepmom in the second row with their child because that way they weren't sitting next to each other and my dad said that would be a good idea (my mom would be the one to throw a fit and all).

Also for pictures, if your parents are only dating someone make sure not to have them in all the pictures because they may not get married and then you are stuck with all these pictures of someone you will never see again.

 

[ceres]

Minus, Invite everyone. Bitter people who can't handle it will sort themselves out by not coming. It would be rude not to invite them though, then they would have that to complain about.

 

[minus]

Minus, Invite everyone. Bitter people who can't handle it will sort themselves out by not coming. It would be rude not to invite them though, then they would have that to complain about.

Yeah, I plan on inviting everyone. It's just driving me nuts that no one on her side of the family can be civil. These people are family, shouldn't they love eachother unconditonally?

 

[LN]

you will be shocked as to how civil people will be at a wedding. brides and grooms would tell me how their parents hate each other and I could not even tell on the wedding day. most people dress nicely, smile pretty, and keep their comments under their breath.