- Jan 26, 2003
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I think I know what and how I deal with this but the reason for the thread is the fact that I am beginning to second guess my decisions.
I have recently been contacted by an ex-boyfriend who I have not seen for over 25 years. I dated him when I was only 22 and unsaved but I had split with him due to the fact that he made me feel insecure (he had way too many female friends who would contact him on a regular basis, as he was a musician ). I was honest with him and basically recall saying something along the lines of "We're not married and so I'm not in a position to insist that you reduce the amount of females contacting you. But this is what I need right now and I don't think you can fill that." He was ok about it at the time but every once and a while he would touch base to catch up. This stopped when I told him that I had gotten married back in 98.
When I was going through my divorce he randomly contacted me and I think at the time he was single, but I blurted out in a kind of cold way that I was a committed Christian and settled with a family (I didn't tell him that I was going through a divorce). He sounded surprised but also said he was a Christian and played in the worship team at his local church. I didn't have much to say in the call and he went on his way.
So in the last few weeks or so I've been getting missed calls (I have kept the same cell phone number as this is the phone linked to work). He got me last night and the purpose of the call was to invite me out to a gig he was playing at. He was ringing because the location of the gig was a bar/ club where I use to DJ at when we were dating. He wanted to tell me that. He also pointed out that the gig that evening was some kind of outreach and tried to quickly say it was somehow linked to his faith. When he said this, I felt a knot in my stomach. Again there were long awkward silences on my part as I didn't want to lie and say I was married but also did not want to say I was divorced. I wished him the best for the evening and the call ended.
I thought that was the end of it until I got a text msg later that evening, where he had sent a video advertising the gig.
Since creating this thread, I have replied to the effect of the fact that I can share the video to my grown nephews and nieces but that I won't be able to make it. I felt like I should have been honest with him and state that I really do not frequent bars on my own on a school night, that I am too grown for that, and it contrasts with my faith.
I'm wondering whether or not I should say that to him or am I making too many assumptions about him? (us Brits tend to "go all around the wrekin" and are not to the point). I am assuming that he still pictures the young naive woman that I was. I am very very much different to how I was back then but I'm not sure he sees that. He - like my ex-husband - now that I look back had traits similar with someone who *could* be controlling. For example, he was about 8-9 years my senior and so we wouldn't have conversations per se but it was more like him offering his advice on matters. So it wasn't an equal relationship.
I am thinking I wasn't blunt enough in terms of being civil but making it clear that I am not interested, or the only thing I would be interested in would be a relationship where the male is strong in his faith, a committed Christian who would not/does not still play music in a secular bar.
I am also so out of my comfort zone - since my divorce I was happy to literally focus on raising my kids on my own and I feel that entering into a relationship is nothing more than opening a can of worms. Also, I don't trust my judgement of character anymore on this front too after messing up so enormously with my ex husband.
Any brotherly or sisterly advice would be appreciated.
I have recently been contacted by an ex-boyfriend who I have not seen for over 25 years. I dated him when I was only 22 and unsaved but I had split with him due to the fact that he made me feel insecure (he had way too many female friends who would contact him on a regular basis, as he was a musician ). I was honest with him and basically recall saying something along the lines of "We're not married and so I'm not in a position to insist that you reduce the amount of females contacting you. But this is what I need right now and I don't think you can fill that." He was ok about it at the time but every once and a while he would touch base to catch up. This stopped when I told him that I had gotten married back in 98.
When I was going through my divorce he randomly contacted me and I think at the time he was single, but I blurted out in a kind of cold way that I was a committed Christian and settled with a family (I didn't tell him that I was going through a divorce). He sounded surprised but also said he was a Christian and played in the worship team at his local church. I didn't have much to say in the call and he went on his way.
So in the last few weeks or so I've been getting missed calls (I have kept the same cell phone number as this is the phone linked to work). He got me last night and the purpose of the call was to invite me out to a gig he was playing at. He was ringing because the location of the gig was a bar/ club where I use to DJ at when we were dating. He wanted to tell me that. He also pointed out that the gig that evening was some kind of outreach and tried to quickly say it was somehow linked to his faith. When he said this, I felt a knot in my stomach. Again there were long awkward silences on my part as I didn't want to lie and say I was married but also did not want to say I was divorced. I wished him the best for the evening and the call ended.
I thought that was the end of it until I got a text msg later that evening, where he had sent a video advertising the gig.
Since creating this thread, I have replied to the effect of the fact that I can share the video to my grown nephews and nieces but that I won't be able to make it. I felt like I should have been honest with him and state that I really do not frequent bars on my own on a school night, that I am too grown for that, and it contrasts with my faith.
I'm wondering whether or not I should say that to him or am I making too many assumptions about him? (us Brits tend to "go all around the wrekin" and are not to the point). I am assuming that he still pictures the young naive woman that I was. I am very very much different to how I was back then but I'm not sure he sees that. He - like my ex-husband - now that I look back had traits similar with someone who *could* be controlling. For example, he was about 8-9 years my senior and so we wouldn't have conversations per se but it was more like him offering his advice on matters. So it wasn't an equal relationship.
I am thinking I wasn't blunt enough in terms of being civil but making it clear that I am not interested, or the only thing I would be interested in would be a relationship where the male is strong in his faith, a committed Christian who would not/does not still play music in a secular bar.
I am also so out of my comfort zone - since my divorce I was happy to literally focus on raising my kids on my own and I feel that entering into a relationship is nothing more than opening a can of worms. Also, I don't trust my judgement of character anymore on this front too after messing up so enormously with my ex husband.
Any brotherly or sisterly advice would be appreciated.
