Hello everyone,
First post here, though alas it is a rant.
For a very quick background on myself, I'm a 27 year old male, and have had an extremely poor history with women. I've never had a girlfriend, never been on a single date, and never have had any female express any kind of interest in me. Needless to say, I've never held hands with a girl, never kissed, I'm a virgin, and so on and so forth.
At one point, I subscribed to the belief that my time would eventually come. As the years pass, it becomes increasingly difficult to keep that mindset though.
Anyways, fast forward to where I am now. I liked a girl. It didn't turn out well. That much I can accept. Unfortunately, the final result was circumstances that makes life incredibly difficult for me. I won't go into details, but suffice it to say I'm now faced with a situation where I'm constantly reminded of my lackings, my failures, and there's no way I can avoid it.
During the period I started getting interested in her, and had the guts to do something about it, I prayed. Honestly, I don't think I've ever prayed harder for anything before in my life.
Furthermore, I prayed for signs, or "benchmarks". Maybe that was arrogant of me. But regardless, God actually did deliver a series of benchmarks. At the time, I thought getting one was a coincidence, two was a miracle, and everything that happened afterwards was a sign that God was going to help me see this through to a successful finish.
I ended up crashing and burning. I am questioning where I went wrong now. I feel like the victim of a cruel joke, and God is one of the players.
I am also questioning if I should bother praying about anything at all, since they never seem to go answered. This isn't the first/only instance, though it certainly is the most intense one.
That's not to say I don't believe in God. I do. I am leaning more towards seeing him as cold and impersonal though. The Deist philosophy is increasingly becoming more realistic to me.
I've waited 27 years, and at this rate, it might be 30, or 40 (insert 40 Year Old Virgin Joke here). Why is it that something 99% of the planet takes for granted, is so out of reach for me?
Honestly, right now it feels like God is some huge monkey on my shoulder that is more of a liability than an asset. I'm tempted to just go "Screw it Lord, I leaned on you, and nothing ever came out of it. I'm just going to live life my way since you're not helping."
That all aside, why did God have to make this rejection result happen in a way that is not only excruciatingly painful, but also something I have to constantly live with in the foreseeable future?
Rant mode off (for now).
