Frustrated

[CanIBreatheYet?]

At the risk of getting some nasty replies, I'm going to vent to you, and hopefully you will have something helpful to say.

My boyfriend JJ and I have been dating for almost 2 years now. We are both Christian, have the same beliefs, are best friends, etc, etc. Really, he's the best man I could ever imagine. Better, even.

I have NO doubts that he wants to get married, and I don't want you to tell me that he's playing me or whatever.

We are saving sex for marriage, JJ is very serious about his future role as leader/provider/husband to me, and wants to fulfill the role God has called him to.

As such, he feels he is not ready for marriage, is not mature enough to take on the role of husband yet. I am very much not of this opinion. I think he will make an amazing husband, and I want to be his wife. I would get married to him tomorrow if I could.

I am trying not to push or pressure him into this decision, but it is very hard.

I am not asking for you to tell me how I need to not rush into marriage (I'm 18, he's 20), blah, blah, blah...

I want to know HOW to do it. Seriously, as pathetic as it sounds, sometimes I think I might just explode for the frustration of not being able to be his wife. And that's without even considering sex (sorry if that's crude)!

Why do I want to get married? Why does anyone? I want to wake up next to him, eat with him, see him off to work, see him at the end of the day, lay on the couch talking about our lives, pay bills together, get in stupid arguments that only really close friends can get in, go to sleep wrapped up in each other's arms,and live happily ever after. Okay, cut out that last cliche. But still.

How can I keep my sanity when it could be years before we get married?

 

[Mrs. Luther073082]

Browse through the marriage forums here on CF. Marriage is a good thing but it is not easy, much like being a Christian isn't. There are trials. In premarital counseling, our pastor told us marriage would be "100x harder than the hardest thing you've ever done". At the time, I kind of scoffed at that, because I've been through some HARD times -- my life has been crazy. Now, however, I know that our Pastor was right. Don't get me wrong and don't assume that because I say marriage is hard that must mean ours is bad. I love my husband and I'm glad I am married, much like I love God and I'm glad I am a Christian. However, when I became a Christian, life did not get easier, it got harder. Much, much harder. And the same thing is true with marriage.

I know it is hard to wait for sex. I waited 8 years from the time I became a Christian until our wedding night. I'm sure it is even harder for people who are virgins and who are curious. (I was a virgin once so I do understand that aspect. I wish I could say I waited until marriage but I was not always a Christian and did not apply Christian values to my life decisions -- I very much regret that.). Sex, however, is not always a bed of roses. Go to themarriagebed.com and browse their forums and you will see that there are a lot of couples out there experiencing a range of issues from lack of desire to pornography addiction to vaginismus, etc. Sex is great, but sometimes there are unexpected medical and/or psychological issues that interfere with it and that puts stress on the marriage. If you go in the marriage forums here on CF, there's incessant debating about sex -- it is a very emotional topic for a reason.

When you get married, your life is not just about you anymore, your body is not yours alone anymore, and it is an adjustment because (as our pastor also pointed out) we are all programed to be selfish. We are born that way. Our pastor tried to prepare us for that, as well. He also pointed out that if one person decides to stop their efforts in the marriage and be selfish, there's nothing you can do -- you can only control yourself.

I'm not trying to convince you not to get married. I am trying to convince you to relax and not take for granted this time in your life. Be patient. You ARE young and still growing up -- even though you're legally an adult, you are not physically mature yet. Some parts of your brain (like the prefrontal cortex which is involved in risk analysis and decision making) won't stop developing until you are in your mid-twenties. That said, my mom got married at 17 and my parents have been happily married for 36 years. It is possible to get married young and be happy, but the younger you are, the more statistics are against your chance of success.

I think it is a wise move not to pressure your significant other into marriage. If you were to do that, it might lead to him resenting you later on down the line when you're married. If he doesn't feel ready, he's not ready. This is good practice for marriage, actually -- when you do get married, there will be a lot of things that you might want that don't happen because it isn't OK with your spouse (and the same goes for him wanting things and it not being OK with you). Marriage is all about considering the other person and where they are/how they feel with everything.

 

[Gibsonian]

If your bf can feel your angst or want to marry somehow through you, you might be adding pressure that could make him a bit wary of marriage right now, not sure. Take it easy, ask God for guidance, trust God that things will be ok and he will take care of you. When you stop pushing, you will then get what you are seeking. That is what I have found to be true.

 

[Luther073082]

You are 18 and barring any major accidents or medical issues you have a long time to live.

Give your boyfriend a chance, I'm personally of the opinion that no one should be pressured to start thinking heavily about marriage until they are 23. Partially because I don't think people should get married until then in most circumstances.

The thing is that becomming an adult, like being married involves a learning curve. You don't just turn 18 and become excellent at making well informed and mature adult decisions. That takes some time to learn and you are going to make mistakes that in the future you are going to wonder "why was I so naive?" The answer is because you are young.

The thing is that trying to learn to be an adult and trying to learn to be married at the same time is a bad idea. The mistakes you make (and you will make a lot of them) are going to hurt both you and your spouse. And when a spouse gets hurt because you made a stupid mistake, that creates a trust problem. When you are single, you can make a mistake and take the pain yourself.

Patience is a virtue and a sign of maturity. Patience doesn't mean waiting forever, I'm not expecting that out of you and I don't think he intends that either. But it does mean waiting for the right time. This is where you need patience. Don't be in such a hurry to make the biggest decision of your life. Because especially if you don't consider divorce to be an option, this isn't exactly one you can take back.

 

[Niffer]

I'm afraid these are just one of those things you can't rush.
Like waiting for hair to grow, or your chest to appear during puberty - it's annoying as heck, but you need to wait.

I understand your desire to get married; and right now you're looking at marriage though an emotional spectrum. All the nice happy parts dance before you, like your own house, kids, being together, the wedding - all wonderful things!

But logic WILL crash through, whether you want it or not.
Like - school, you're still in it. So is he. Who's going to make the money? How will you survive with min. wage jobs? Rent? Bills? Children are a whoooole other deal.

He sounds like a smart man, and great marriage material.
He wants to provide for you! How is he going to do that without a proper job?

Also, if you keep pushing marriage before he's ready, you might just push him away as well. I'm sure he wants to be with you as much as you want him - it's not worth risking your whole relationship over this, is it?

Patience is a virture, trust your BF and pray.
It'll happen luv, give it time.

Peace,
- Niffer

 

[Ladylouwolf]

Wow, I am impressed with the advice given here! Frustration does happen but he does sound like a wonderful God Loving man. The right time will come and he may very well surprise you! God bless

 

[Nienna_Lady_of_Tears]

post on your own thread.