*Forewarning: my testimony contains contents of mental illness, homelessness and drug addiction.*
Early in my life there was a lot of struggles as my parents divorced when I was just 3 and my brother was 1. My dad was hardly ever around, frequenting bars and coming home late while my mom faced homelessness for several years. Eventually my mom was able to get housing and things were finally looking up. Until the year 2005 when I turned 10, my brother passed away at the age of 8 years old. Our car had stalled in the middle of the highway one night and a tractor trailer flatbed had destroyed our vehicle, killing my brother on impact. It was a devastating shock for my entire family. Looking back, it was a miracle I made it out with only but a scratch on me.
After his death, both of my parents crumbled mentally and physically in many ways. My father, who worked hard physical labor as an electrician, had gotten major back surgery just about a year after losing his son. His back surgery was so major, they placed him on highly addictive painkillers, which he began abusing for many, many years. I witnessed him as a young girl many times falling, stumbling, slurring his words, just not being able to function in general. He even showed up to my school like this on occasion, which introduced child protective services into my life.
My mom had always struggled mentally, as she suffered from postpartum depression after my brother was born. This landed her in a psych ward where she had to be carefully monitored. After my brothers death, she was crippled in her despair. She closed herself off from the world and drank every night. When she drank she became very emotional and angry, many times taking out that anger on me verbally. While I was in High School, she had gotten a DWI while drinking with me in the car. Child protective services had suggested I live with my grandmother to keep me safe. My grandma was a real blessing and if it weren't for her, I don't know what would have happened to me as both my parents weren't capable of caring for me.
As I went back and forth between living with my mom and my grandma, my dad was still unstable and I hardly saw him or heard from him. When I did, I hated him in my heart and wanted nothing to do with him. At this time, I had all but one boyfriend throughout my entire time in High School and at the age of 17, I foolishly gave away my virginity to him. Once he left me, something inside me broke. Right before graduation, I came home one afternoon to find my mom in a state of hysteria. I couldn't calm her down nor did I understand what was wrong with her. I thought she was going through a mental break so I called my grandma and we got her to the nearest hospital. There, we discovered she had been doing cocaine.
I was distraught and couldn't believe she'd do that. She started seeing this young man who fed her the cocaine as well as started bringing his friends in and out of our apartment to steal our belongings while my mom was out of her mind. He even stole her car and practically all of the money she had left. After he left and wound up in jail himself, my mom had set our apartment on fire. All the while I was thankfully safely with my grandma, but this sent my mom to jail with an arson offense.
All of this left me with an extremely hardened heart, a genuine hatred for people, extreme pessimism and a deep sense of meaninglessness and hopelessness. Throughout these difficult times, I clung to atheism and came to believe evolution was true and science was the only logical means of traversing this life. I believed that if there was a God, then he was terrible for making me go through all of what I went through so I vowed to never put my faith in what I claimed was nothing but a fairy-tale. I believed I was strong and that only weak people believed in God but my strength alone, was incredibly weak, though I was deceived at the time.
My brothers death still haunted me and every single moment it was as if I had this painful gaping hole in my heart. Whether I laughed, smiled, cried or was angry, it was always there. Whether I awoke in the morning or went to rest my head at night, nothing could heal this internal wound and I was certain I would carry it with me all the days of my life.
One night, my aunt and cousin approached me telling me about how they saw this psychic medium. (Disclaimer: please don't ever consult with a psychic. There is a lot of deception there and it's entirely demonic. See the Bible on clarification of this topic.) I was wholly skeptical, but when she mentioned that my "brothers spirit" was there, I decided I wanted to test it for myself. At the appointment, I was wholly stunned by what I experienced. This woman told me things she couldn't have possibly known. The biggest thing that shocked me in particular was when she mentioned this journal I carried around with me. She had said "you carry it around with you everywhere, everyday", which is exactly what I did for an entire year. No one knew this besides my best friend, who had no connection to this woman. Logically, it didn't make sense unless something was there, watching me at all times and knew what I was doing in my alone time. I left that day questioning what I had believed about reality, though I didn't just believe everything she told me.
A couple of days later, that same week, I joined this site called experience project. It was entirely anonymous and so you had the freedom to post what you like, how you feel and what you think confidentially. That very night, I stumbled across this one person's profile who shared a lot in common with me. We began talking about deep things, our lives and our desires in life, things of that nature (mind you, neither of us had gone here to find a partner/it wasn’t a dating website). I was careful of course, because it was the internet after all, but this person and I continued to talk for 3 months every single day before revealing each others names, faces, and/or numbers to one another. When we began speaking on the phone, is when he really started witnessing to me about the love of Jesus.
He mentioned his faith briefly through our messages but when we talked, he didn't hold back on the Truth he believed in. He told me many things about Jesus and the Bible, many things I had never heard before. Though I fought him with every part of my being when it came to the topic, he always continued firmly, adamantly but lovingly. I had purchased a Bible and the first book he recommended I read was Ecclesiastes. I was blown away by the profound wisdom lurking in it’s pages and it made me realize if I hadn’t known this was in the Bible, what else hadn’t I known?
This man and I continued to grow in feelings towards one another but one of the biggest obstacles for meeting face to face was that we lived completely across the country from one another. And I literally mean coast to coast. At this time, God was working a path to open up for my dad (both of my parents were in adult care homes) and I to reconnect and he took the amazing trip with me to California. This man and I met and the love he showed me through our messages and phone calls sprang to life when we stood in front of one another.
One night while we were standing beneath the stars, he taught me how to pray. That night is when I accepted Jesus into my heart, into my life, so that He could rule as my Lord and my Savior. That internal wound that was left by the death of my brother as well as all the hurt I had endured years afterwards, was healed instantly. I knew right then and there that I needed no more proof. That Jesus was who He claimed to be and I knew without a doubt that He was Lord over all the earth. The shackles that led to so much hurt and shame came off and I knew I was completely loved and fully redeemed by the blood of our Savior.
Four years ago I was saved by Jesus Christ. Today, I live in California and while I left many of my relatives behind and faced lots of rejection for my conversion to Christianity, it just made the Truth that had been made known to me, all the more clear. This man and I are a month away from marrying. He is a virgin and I feel God has really redeemed this area of my life. God has forged a way for my dad to make a life here as well as my mom where they now lead more healthy lifestyles. And I’ve found a new family in the Body of Christ and have been blessed to serve among an amazing and Godly church. While things aren’t perfect just because I’ve become a Christian, God has surely blessed me richly and I will forever be grateful for the Love and Mercy He has shown me. I no longer have to shed any tears over the loss of my brother, because I know the holder of life and death, the Maker of all things, and my life rests in the palm of His Holy hands. Hallelujah!
Early in my life there was a lot of struggles as my parents divorced when I was just 3 and my brother was 1. My dad was hardly ever around, frequenting bars and coming home late while my mom faced homelessness for several years. Eventually my mom was able to get housing and things were finally looking up. Until the year 2005 when I turned 10, my brother passed away at the age of 8 years old. Our car had stalled in the middle of the highway one night and a tractor trailer flatbed had destroyed our vehicle, killing my brother on impact. It was a devastating shock for my entire family. Looking back, it was a miracle I made it out with only but a scratch on me.
After his death, both of my parents crumbled mentally and physically in many ways. My father, who worked hard physical labor as an electrician, had gotten major back surgery just about a year after losing his son. His back surgery was so major, they placed him on highly addictive painkillers, which he began abusing for many, many years. I witnessed him as a young girl many times falling, stumbling, slurring his words, just not being able to function in general. He even showed up to my school like this on occasion, which introduced child protective services into my life.
My mom had always struggled mentally, as she suffered from postpartum depression after my brother was born. This landed her in a psych ward where she had to be carefully monitored. After my brothers death, she was crippled in her despair. She closed herself off from the world and drank every night. When she drank she became very emotional and angry, many times taking out that anger on me verbally. While I was in High School, she had gotten a DWI while drinking with me in the car. Child protective services had suggested I live with my grandmother to keep me safe. My grandma was a real blessing and if it weren't for her, I don't know what would have happened to me as both my parents weren't capable of caring for me.
As I went back and forth between living with my mom and my grandma, my dad was still unstable and I hardly saw him or heard from him. When I did, I hated him in my heart and wanted nothing to do with him. At this time, I had all but one boyfriend throughout my entire time in High School and at the age of 17, I foolishly gave away my virginity to him. Once he left me, something inside me broke. Right before graduation, I came home one afternoon to find my mom in a state of hysteria. I couldn't calm her down nor did I understand what was wrong with her. I thought she was going through a mental break so I called my grandma and we got her to the nearest hospital. There, we discovered she had been doing cocaine.
I was distraught and couldn't believe she'd do that. She started seeing this young man who fed her the cocaine as well as started bringing his friends in and out of our apartment to steal our belongings while my mom was out of her mind. He even stole her car and practically all of the money she had left. After he left and wound up in jail himself, my mom had set our apartment on fire. All the while I was thankfully safely with my grandma, but this sent my mom to jail with an arson offense.
All of this left me with an extremely hardened heart, a genuine hatred for people, extreme pessimism and a deep sense of meaninglessness and hopelessness. Throughout these difficult times, I clung to atheism and came to believe evolution was true and science was the only logical means of traversing this life. I believed that if there was a God, then he was terrible for making me go through all of what I went through so I vowed to never put my faith in what I claimed was nothing but a fairy-tale. I believed I was strong and that only weak people believed in God but my strength alone, was incredibly weak, though I was deceived at the time.
My brothers death still haunted me and every single moment it was as if I had this painful gaping hole in my heart. Whether I laughed, smiled, cried or was angry, it was always there. Whether I awoke in the morning or went to rest my head at night, nothing could heal this internal wound and I was certain I would carry it with me all the days of my life.
One night, my aunt and cousin approached me telling me about how they saw this psychic medium. (Disclaimer: please don't ever consult with a psychic. There is a lot of deception there and it's entirely demonic. See the Bible on clarification of this topic.) I was wholly skeptical, but when she mentioned that my "brothers spirit" was there, I decided I wanted to test it for myself. At the appointment, I was wholly stunned by what I experienced. This woman told me things she couldn't have possibly known. The biggest thing that shocked me in particular was when she mentioned this journal I carried around with me. She had said "you carry it around with you everywhere, everyday", which is exactly what I did for an entire year. No one knew this besides my best friend, who had no connection to this woman. Logically, it didn't make sense unless something was there, watching me at all times and knew what I was doing in my alone time. I left that day questioning what I had believed about reality, though I didn't just believe everything she told me.
A couple of days later, that same week, I joined this site called experience project. It was entirely anonymous and so you had the freedom to post what you like, how you feel and what you think confidentially. That very night, I stumbled across this one person's profile who shared a lot in common with me. We began talking about deep things, our lives and our desires in life, things of that nature (mind you, neither of us had gone here to find a partner/it wasn’t a dating website). I was careful of course, because it was the internet after all, but this person and I continued to talk for 3 months every single day before revealing each others names, faces, and/or numbers to one another. When we began speaking on the phone, is when he really started witnessing to me about the love of Jesus.
He mentioned his faith briefly through our messages but when we talked, he didn't hold back on the Truth he believed in. He told me many things about Jesus and the Bible, many things I had never heard before. Though I fought him with every part of my being when it came to the topic, he always continued firmly, adamantly but lovingly. I had purchased a Bible and the first book he recommended I read was Ecclesiastes. I was blown away by the profound wisdom lurking in it’s pages and it made me realize if I hadn’t known this was in the Bible, what else hadn’t I known?
This man and I continued to grow in feelings towards one another but one of the biggest obstacles for meeting face to face was that we lived completely across the country from one another. And I literally mean coast to coast. At this time, God was working a path to open up for my dad (both of my parents were in adult care homes) and I to reconnect and he took the amazing trip with me to California. This man and I met and the love he showed me through our messages and phone calls sprang to life when we stood in front of one another.
One night while we were standing beneath the stars, he taught me how to pray. That night is when I accepted Jesus into my heart, into my life, so that He could rule as my Lord and my Savior. That internal wound that was left by the death of my brother as well as all the hurt I had endured years afterwards, was healed instantly. I knew right then and there that I needed no more proof. That Jesus was who He claimed to be and I knew without a doubt that He was Lord over all the earth. The shackles that led to so much hurt and shame came off and I knew I was completely loved and fully redeemed by the blood of our Savior.
Four years ago I was saved by Jesus Christ. Today, I live in California and while I left many of my relatives behind and faced lots of rejection for my conversion to Christianity, it just made the Truth that had been made known to me, all the more clear. This man and I are a month away from marrying. He is a virgin and I feel God has really redeemed this area of my life. God has forged a way for my dad to make a life here as well as my mom where they now lead more healthy lifestyles. And I’ve found a new family in the Body of Christ and have been blessed to serve among an amazing and Godly church. While things aren’t perfect just because I’ve become a Christian, God has surely blessed me richly and I will forever be grateful for the Love and Mercy He has shown me. I no longer have to shed any tears over the loss of my brother, because I know the holder of life and death, the Maker of all things, and my life rests in the palm of His Holy hands. Hallelujah!