Forgiving the unforgivable?

[Hopes]

I am still taking stock of my life and I have a few questions about forgiveness. I am not talking about the small things like getting slighted by someone, I am talking about the big, life altering things. I will give an example.

Ok when I was 10, a man beat my mother to death and then shot her in the head to make sure she was dead. It was one of the worst things I have had to go through in my life. I used to want vengeance against him, for God to zap him or something bad to happen to him. Now I don't really want vengeance anymore, but I still feel some anger about it because my whole life was altered when he did that. I guess what I am saying is how do you come to the point where you don't feel anger or resentment towards someone who has done something like this?

There are other things, but I wont mention what they were because through a lot of prayer and time I have forgiven one of the party's that showed remorse, so I will not speak of it anymore. The other party's are NOT remorseful and they inflicted great pain on me. Were not talking a slight, we are talking life altering events. What if the person you are to forgive are NOT sorry for what they did to you?

 

[timewerx]

I don't know. I also question such teachings on the Bible itself.

However, even if the Bible doesn't tell us to forgive, I'll still think twice about doing revenge.

I'm so sorry for what happened to you. If same thing happened to me, I don't know.

 

[CrystalDragon]

I am still taking stock of my life and I have a few questions about forgiveness. I am not talking about the small things like getting slighted by someone, I am talking about the big, life altering things. I will give an example.

Ok when I was 10, a man beat my mother to death and then shot her in the head to make sure she was dead. It was one of the worst things I have had to go through in my life. I used to want vengeance against him, for God to zap him or something bad to happen to him. Now I don't really want vengeance anymore, but I still feel some anger about it because my whole life was altered when he did that. I guess what I am saying is how do you come to the point where you don't feel anger or resentment towards someone who has done something like this?

There are other things, but I wont mention what they were because through a lot of prayer and time I have forgiven one of the party's that showed remorse, so I will not speak of it anymore. The other party's are NOT remorseful and they inflicted great pain on me. Were not talking a slight, we are talking life altering events. What if the person you are to forgive are NOT sorry for what they did to you?

I only forgive people who are remorseful, that's it. I wouldn't roast them in hell or anything (such things among others have me questioning the goodness and validity of the Bible, but that's another topic), but I don't forgive them.

And I definitely would not forgive that person who killed your mother like that, I wasn't there and I don't forgive him.

 

[Journey.In.Grace]

I can only give you an answer from my own understanding and experiences in forgiving others. As Christian's, we need to forgive. We can't hold onto anger or hatred. That will turn into something very ugly and it will eventually come to consume your heart, and will be very difficult to walk away from. Trust me. I know. It has taken years for God to work on my issues with anger and giving forgiveness where it was needed. If Jesus forgave the inexcusable in us, why can't we forgive the inexcusable? Forgiveness is hard. It really is. And sometimes you don't WANT to. But I have seen what refusing forgiveness can do to a person, and it is not pretty.

What you went through is terrible, and I am so sorry to read about that. I can understand where your struggles to forgive comes from. Most people wouldn't try to forgive that person. But please take it from a person who struggled to even forgive her own sister for years, forgiveness is an absolute must, and by all means pray and ask to be able to forgive the person. The Lord will help you, and He has his arms open to you.

 

[Hopes]

I don't know. I also question such teachings on the Bible itself.

However, even if the Bible doesn't tell us to forgive, I'll still think twice about doing revenge.

I'm so sorry for what happened to you. If same thing happened to me, I don't know.

No I am not going to try to get revenge but I used to want God to do something about it.

 

[~Anastasia~]

I am still taking stock of my life and I have a few questions about forgiveness. I am not talking about the small things like getting slighted by someone, I am talking about the big, life altering things. I will give an example.

Ok when I was 10, a man beat my mother to death and then shot her in the head to make sure she was dead. It was one of the worst things I have had to go through in my life. I used to want vengeance against him, for God to zap him or something bad to happen to him. Now I don't really want vengeance anymore, but I still feel some anger about it because my whole life was altered when he did that. I guess what I am saying is how do you come to the point where you don't feel anger or resentment towards someone who has done something like this?

There are other things, but I wont mention what they were because through a lot of prayer and time I have forgiven one of the party's that showed remorse, so I will not speak of it anymore. The other party's are NOT remorseful and they inflicted great pain on me. Were not talking a slight, we are talking life altering events. What if the person you are to forgive are NOT sorry for what they did to you?

Lord have tender mercy on you ...

I am so sorry to read of this.

We are called to forgive others, whether they are sorry or not. But two things ...

First, it is for our own good (how God deals with them is still up to Him, or forgiveness or lack of it does not dictate anything to Him, but it helps us when we forgive, and we must try).

Second, God understands us and our hearts. He knows we can't just flip a switch and get over all anger. The fact that we TRY to forgive, just as we try not to sin, and all other things we do in following Him, is all He expects. He really does all of the work in us anyway - we don't do it ourselves. We only need to cooperate with Him. And sometimes healing takes a long time, because of our weak human frames. It is especially damaging to a child, usually.

I would say be gentle with yourself. If you are ever overcome by or even tempted by thoughts to drag you back into thinking about that, making you angry, try to reject those thoughts and turn to God in prayer instead, so that He can help you. Ask for His help in forgiving. Pray for those persons, as you are able. Don't try to drum up feelings you don't have. I started out myself being very honest with God, "Lord, you know I'm upset, and I don't even want to pray for this person, but You said we should pray for those who persecute us, so please bless/have mercy on/be mindful of this person" (Whatever you want to say, in as positive a sense as you can manage.)

And trust God. This is really between you and Him, not that other person(s).

God be with you. You have my prayers.

 

[Hopes]

I can only give you an answer from my own understanding and experiences in forgiving others. As Christian's, we need to forgive. We can't hold onto anger or hatred. That will turn into something very ugly and it will eventually come to consume your heart, and will be very difficult to walk away from. Trust me. I know. It has taken years for God to work on my issues with anger and giving forgiveness where it was needed. If Jesus forgave the inexcusable in us, why can't we forgive the inexcusable? Forgiveness is hard. It really is. And sometimes you don't WANT to. But I have seen what refusing forgiveness can do to a person, and it is not pretty.

What you went through is terrible, and I am so sorry to read about that. I can understand where your struggles to forgive comes from. Most people wouldn't try to forgive that person. But please take it from a person who struggled to even forgive her own sister for years, forgiveness is an absolute must, and by all means pray and ask to be able to forgive the person. The Lord will help you, and He has his arms open to you.

I will pray about it and give it to God I guess. I don't want to carry this stuff around with me anymore. Its like I will get to a point where I think I have forgiven all of this and then it pops into my head and I am angry all over again. I guess I got a lot of soul searching to do and a lot more prayer about it all. I would like to get to a point where I can think about it and not be angry or resentful.

 

[Journey.In.Grace]

I will pray about it and give it to God I guess. I don't want to carry this stuff around with me anymore. Its like I will get to a point where I think I have forgiven all of this and then it pops into my head and I am angry all over again. I guess I got a lot of soul searching to do and a lot more prayer about it all. I would like to get to a point where I can think about it and not be angry or resentful.

The best thing you could ever do is give to God. When you have done all you can possibly do, it is His turn to take it in His hands. Forgiveness alone comes from Him; the will, the ability, the desire, actually doing so -- it all comes from God. So just give it to Him, He will take care of it.

 

[Greg J.]

God did and is doing something about it. I don't know how a person would forgive someone like that without coming to recognize how bad each of our own sins are. It's horrifying and life destroying.

However, every sin is very bad—enough to bring death to one's children and their children, destroy the earth, and open a door to evil to steal, kill, and destroy everything. A single sin is enough to turn something that is all good and would continue to be a light for all eternity into all darkness for eternity. Even then, I can imagine it requiring God's help to forgive (see last two paragraphs at bottom).

That it is why Jesus said,

“Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven. Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.” (bold mine, Luke 6:37-38, 1984 NIV)

When we do not forgive, we are proclaiming our ability and right to pass judgment on someone else. In other words we are worshiping ourselves instead of God (idolatry) in regard to who the person is accountable to. It's no wonder the Lord's words about forgiveness were so extreme. Unforgiveness is a terrible offense against God.

With James 2:10-13 in mind, understand the following verse to mean we are all guilty of sin before God, which makes us no better than the one who we need to forgive. We've both earned condemnation. It's not a comparison of which of two sins is worse, it's a comparison of who's hearts are completely untainted vs. having any taint from sin (neither of you is untainted).

You, therefore, have no excuse, you who pass judgment on someone else, for at whatever point you judge the other, you are condemning yourself, because you who pass judgment do the same things. (bold mine, Romans 2:1, 1984 NIV)

It should be bracing that the Lord said to pray:

Forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors. ... (Matthew 6:12, 1984 NIV)

and immediately explained:

For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins. (Matthew 6:14-15, 1984 NIV)

I was acquainted with a man who committed adultery literally in a few minutes of weakness. He was extremely close to the Lord and had married a woman just as devoted. She knew the Truth and set her mind upon being set free from the torment and unforgiveness she had from her husband's betrayal. She zealously prayed to the Lord for 6 months and then that forgiveness entered her heart and she was completely free from that torment and unforgiveness.

One of the famous Corrie ten Boom narratives from one of her books is about forgiveness and is online here. It's well worth reading.

 

[Hopes]

I can only give you an answer from my own understanding and experiences in forgiving others. As Christian's, we need to forgive. We can't hold onto anger or hatred. That will turn into something very ugly and it will eventually come to consume your heart, and will be very difficult to walk away from. Trust me. I know. It has taken years for God to work on my issues with anger and giving forgiveness where it was needed. If Jesus forgave the inexcusable in us, why can't we forgive the inexcusable? Forgiveness is hard. It really is. And sometimes you don't WANT to. But I have seen what refusing forgiveness can do to a person, and it is not pretty.

What you went through is terrible, and I am so sorry to read about that. I can understand where your struggles to forgive comes from. Most people wouldn't try to forgive that person. But please take it from a person who struggled to even forgive her own sister for years, forgiveness is an absolute must, and by all means pray and ask to be able to forgive the person. The Lord will help you, and He has his arms open to you.

Thanks everyone for your posts and prayers. I did pray again tonight for God to help me with this. I am over a lot of this because my moms murder was over 30 years ago but I am stuck feeling anger about it whenever I think about it.

My half sister brought up my mom when we were texting and we talked about how much we both miss her and it got the anger started. For the most part I have just been trying not to think about all of the things that were done to me (my moms murder and the other stuff I mentioned).

I know I am supposed to forgive, God commands it and I really really want to its just getting past the feelings of anger that seem to still keep coming back no matter how hard I try not to feel that way anymore. If God could just take those feelings away then I think I would be over most of this stuff. I think I am at the point where I can't do this the right way without Gods help.

 

[~Anastasia~]

Have you talked to a counselor, or pastor or priest about this?

I'm not sure if you're trying to just ignore the feeling and make them go away, but in such traumatic circumstances they really do need to be dealt with, and that often requires help.

God be with you and have mercy on you.

 

[Hopes]

Have you talked to a counselor, or pastor or priest about this?

I'm not sure if you're trying to just ignore the feeling and make them go away, but in such traumatic circumstances they really do need to be dealt with, and that often requires help.

God be with you and have mercy on you.

Not really. I did try a councilor twice. The first one was a Christian marriage councilor and she ended up wanting to do a deliverance on me so I quit going. I got rather mad about that when I googled what she wanted to do.

The other one was a regular councilor and this guy had no sense at all. He wanted to drag my whole childhood out on day one which I could not do. I will admit I had a really bad childhood but I don't usually talk about that stuff because its in the long past.

All the guy wound up doing was making me upset for weeks thinking about stuff that happened years ago. I quit going because the whole thing felt more like an interrogation and I did not find it helpful to open up way old wounds. I could try again but my insurance don't cover many visits I don't think and I don't have the money to pay for it right now.

 

[~Anastasia~]

Not really. I did try a councilor twice. The first one was a Christian marriage councilor and she ended up wanting to do a deliverance on me so I quit going. I got rather mad about that when I googled what she wanted to do.

The other one was a regular councilor and this guy had no sense at all. He wanted to drag my whole childhood out on day one which I could not do. I will admit I had a really bad childhood but I don't usually talk about that stuff because its in the long past.

All the guy wound up doing was making me upset for weeks thinking about stuff that happened years ago. I quit going because the whole thing felt more like an interrogation and I did not find it helpful to open up way old wounds. I could try again but my insurance don't cover many visits I don't think and I don't have the money to pay for it right now.

I certainly agree that neither of those approaches would be helpful.

Do you have a trusted friend who will just listen? Or have you considered whether someone in ministry will let you talk to them about it?

 

[Hopes]

I certainly agree that neither of those approaches would be helpful.

Do you have a trusted friend who will just listen? Or have you considered whether someone in ministry will let you talk to them about it?

No friends, no Church yet. I could talk to my half sister but really I don't want to talk through my feelings about it all. I just wanted to know how other Christians forgive and how to match up the act of forgiveness with the feeling of forgiveness. So instead of feeling angry still, maybe have the feeling of peace or something along those lines. I will just keep praying about it and hopefully God will get around to fixing me. There's a lot to fix.

 

[~Anastasia~]

No friends, no Church yet. I could talk to my half sister but really I don't want to talk through my feelings about it all. I just wanted to know how other Christians forgive and how to match up the act of forgiveness with the feeling of forgiveness. So instead of feeling angry still, maybe have the feeling of peace or something along those lines. I will just keep praying about it and hopefully God will get around to fixing me. There's a lot to fix.

If you don't want to talk, you might think about whether you might like to write it down? Some people do that ... some may find it helpful to write it all down, then burn up the pages. Or write it out as a prayer to God. Write it as a letter to your mother, if you need to say things to her, or to other persons involved. You don't have to share it with anyone if you don't want to. Your own feelings are often a pretty good guide. I'm just tossing some ideas out, in case anything strikes a chord (in a good way).

Peace to you.

 

[Hopes]

If you don't want to talk, you might think about whether you might like to write it down? Some people do that ... some may find it helpful to write it all down, then burn up the pages. Or write it out as a prayer to God. Write it as a letter to your mother, if you need to say things to her, or to other persons involved. You don't have to share it with anyone if you don't want to. Your own feelings are often a pretty good guide. I'm just tossing some ideas out, in case anything strikes a chord (in a good way).

Peace to you.

Thanks. Sorry I have been so long getting back to this. I have just been doing a lot of thinking and praying and I think I have come to a conclusion. What I am going to do is do bible studies about this until something works and this does not make me angry anymore.

One thing I read online so far made me kind of happy. I read however upset (angry) I am about this, God being Holy, is far more upset than I could ever be since I am a fallen sinful creation. It made me feel like He has my back on this. I felt a sense of relief for the first time and I think if I do some intensive study that He will finally take this away from me.

Anyway thanks for your replies, I am going to get to it. Hugs to all

 

[~Anastasia~]

Thanks. Sorry I have been so long getting back to this. I have just been doing a lot of thinking and praying and I think I have come to a conclusion. What I am going to do is do bible studies about this until something works and this does not make me angry anymore.

One thing I read online so far made me kind of happy. I read however upset (angry) I am about this, God being Holy, is far more upset than I could ever be since I am a fallen sinful creation. It made me feel like He has my back on this. I felt a sense of relief for the first time and I think if I do some intensive study that He will finally take this away from me.

Anyway thanks for your replies, I am going to get to it. Hugs to all

I pray that you receive peace in this.

God be with you.

 

[Hopes]

I pray that you receive peace in this.

God be with you.

Well I listened to most of a Bible study on forgiveness and I did it, I forgave the last of the ones that hurt me including my moms murderer. After hearing how bad being angry is and how much it offends God I cried for a little while, then repented, then forgave all.

I have been trapped in this for so long but I finally feel free. I also prayed that God not use the sins done against me to send some of the people to hell, I don't want to be responsible for anyone going to hell. I told Him that His will be done with my moms murderer though.

On a side note, people please don't do the sins in the 10 commandments against others as they are the hardest ones to forgive and the hardest ones to get over. I feel a bit lighter now and if I start to feel angry ever again I am going to repent and listen to that Bible study again.

Hugs

 

[~Anastasia~]

Well I listened to most of a Bible study on forgiveness and I did it, I forgave the last of the ones that hurt me including my moms murderer. After hearing how bad being angry is and how much it offends God I cried for a little while, then repented, then forgave all.

I have been trapped in this for so long but I finally feel free. I also prayed that God not use the sins done against me to send some of the people to hell, I don't want to be responsible for anyone going to hell. I told Him that His will be done with my moms murderer though.

On a side note, people please don't do the sins in the 10 commandments against others as they are the hardest ones to forgive and the hardest ones to get over. I feel a bit lighter now and if I start to feel angry ever again I am going to repent and listen to that Bible study again.

Hugs

Glory to God!

The prayer that someone not be condemned for your sake is a very good one.

Christ, hanging on the cross, said, "Forhive them Father, for they know not what they do." St. Stephen, the first martyr, did the same, asking forgiveness for his murderers as he was dying.

May we aspire to, and keep aspiring to, that kind of forgiveness.

I'm glad you mentioned if you start feeling badly about it again. It's important not to let difficult times convince us that what we have experienced with God was real. The spiritual life is a dynamic one, and in the valleys, don't forget that the mountain peaks exist.

God be with you, dear one.