Forgiveness

[Sam91]

So someone is partially repentant, says sorry but denies their criminal acts towards you, tries to manipulate and is still actively trying to cause difficulties by messaging deceased partners relatives, and unforgiveness creeps in.

Is forgiveness still obligatory?
Is it enough to at least try to not be bitter and not wish the person any ill?
Is it okay to aim to forgive in future?

I was advised by pastor to avoid communication with this person April last year. Have not replied since May. I could forgive at first but am no longer able to with each successive communication attempt or plot. This person now lives a few hundred miles away.

EDIT
I have forgiven the original acts. It is the continued attempts to cause trouble that I can't forgive and the communications since.

 

[S.O.J.I.A.]

setting boundaries is not a sin and trust must be earned.

 

[Doug Melven]

Our job is to forgive and pray for that person.
Just keep extending God's love to this person.
Let God worry about this person.
Can this person do anything worse to you than what any of us have done to God?
See Matthew 18:21-45.

 

[Sam91]

Our job is to forgive and pray for that person.
Just keep extending God's love to this person.
Let God worry about this person.
Can this person do anything worse to you than what any of us have done to God?
See Matthew 18:21-45.

Yes, I know that verse well. Hence I forgave but set boundaries to protect myself and family. Problem is as much as I try, which isn't very hard latterly I can't forgive in the full sense of the word. All I seem to be able do is to try to forget and check any impulses to think anything negative about the person when I receive communication or people contact me to tell me what he is saying about me to them. Which are lies. They don't know him. Meanwhile, because I am not contacting him I can not tell him to stop. Which wouldn't work anyway as any contact from me is supposedly a reward.

 

[Theodoric]

First, there's nothing at all wrong with setting boundaries to protect yourself and your family from someone who is seeking to do you harm.

As to the forgiveness, that speaks to an attitude of the heart. Pray for this individual privately every day, with the understanding that it probably won't change him or her, but it will change you.

 

[Sam91]

First, there's nothing at all wrong with setting boundaries to protect yourself and your family from someone who is seeking to do you harm.

As to the forgiveness, that speaks to an attitude of the heart. Pray for this individual privately every day, with the understanding that it probably won't change him or her, but it will change you.

Good advice but I am stuck at the moment where I am praying to be able to pray for him because the words I say when I try do not match up to my heart and of course, God knows my heart. I must admit that I am not trying everyday because I try to pretend this person doesn't exist. I try to rarely think of him as it was a traumatic period. So, lately, I only have tried praying when he crops up.

(Last May though I did beg the Lord that his offences against me would be forgiven by God.)

 

[faroukfarouk]

Good advice but I am stuck at the moment where I am praying to be able to pray for him because the words I say when I try do not match up to my heart and of course, God knows my heart. I must admit that I am not trying everyday because I try to pretend this person doesn't exist. I try to rarely think of him as it was a traumatic period. So, lately, I only have tried praying when he crops up.

(Last May though I did beg the Lord that his offences against me would be forgiven by God.)

In the end the focus is Hebrews 12.2, right?

 

[Sam91]

@faroukfarouk explain?

 

[Soul-searching]

So someone is partially repentant, says sorry but denies their criminal acts towards you, tries to manipulate and is still actively trying to cause difficulties by messaging deceased partners relatives, and unforgiveness creeps in.

Is forgiveness still obligatory?
Is it enough to at least try to not be bitter and not wish the person any ill?
Is it okay to aim to forgive in future?

I was advised by pastor to avoid communication with this person April last year. Have not replied since May. I could forgive at first but am no longer able to with each successive communication attempt or plot. This person now lives a few hundred miles away.

EDIT
I have forgiven the original acts. It is the continued attempts to cause trouble that I can't forgive and the communications since.

I´m sorry, this is really hard, i know how you feel. For me, the more i try to focus on not focusing on it the more it eats me up. I can not forgive someone who i feel is so guilty and mean on purpose. I think this is normal. I think forgiveness comes when the person is truly sorry for what they have done. This person you are talking about is not sorry at all, then i don´t think it´s your problem to forgive him. You want to be the bigger person, it´s admirable, but we have to accept things the way they are, and things come in stages, not like we want them to, unfortunately..

What you can do is leave it alone, let him be, and let him be responsible for his actions. Let it be up to God, then one day when he might regret it or things have moved on to something better then you can work on forgiving him. You can also try and look at it another way. Maybe it is also a matter of us not letting go and not seeing things the way they are, but how we wish them to be. Maybe we want these people in our lives, we want to make things alright again, it hurts things have to be like that. Maybe if we let that thought go, that maybe it can never be like that, that this person will never change. Often it is because we want to fix it so badly because it hurts, but we have to accept that maybe these people don´t care. When we see the situation as it is, and respect the fact that we will never get these things from them, maybe then it will be easier to change and move on because so often we get stuck in a situation like this to a point where we obsesses over it, instead of making it something we can tolerate, by seeing it the way it is, and realizing we have no control over other people, only ourselves, and in that sense i think by time we will be able to let these people go so they have no power over us anymore, and by that maybe forgiveness becomes easier.

 

[faroukfarouk]

@faroukfarouk explain?

If we keep 'looking unto Jesus' (Hebrews 12.2), we can try by God's grace to become too fixated on specific people and events which might well have been damaging in the past.

 

[Sam91]

Yeah, @Soul-searching I just want him to leave me alone. I was traumatised and feel safe now he is far away. I forgave that and prayed fervently for him but I keep stumbling over the forgive us as we forgive others the last few days. (I guess I have been unforgiving since November) I don't know if it is because I am unable to say in my heart before God that he is forgiven (too dangerous to be in contact) or if it is me creating that potential stumbling block in my prayers. That nagging doubt has been growing from nothing a couple days ago to something I need to know now.

What would God say?

 

[Monna]

Forgive is good for the forgiver, and in that sense is unconnected with the acceptance or otherwise of the guilty partner. The measure of your forgiveness is the measure of forgiveness you will recieve - and every time you say the Lord's prayer your confirm that this is the way you want it!

Remember Jesus, at the very moment when soldiers were nailing him to the cross in an act of execution, and without their asking for it, prayed "Father, forgive them because they don't know what they're doing." If we forgive this quickly and this sincerely, we help to innoculate our own hearts from bitterness.

This is my own experience: A close friend once did something that was very painful to me, led to many other people perpetuating additional wrongs towards me, with consequences that have lasted over 40 years.

Somewhen in that period, I realised how my heart had grown bitter against him, and more than bitter, and I realised that now I had sinned against him, and my own heart was being scarred as a result. I had waited so long to hear him ask for forgiveness but it never came. Finally I went to him and asked him for forgiveness for the bitterness in my heart against him.

In Matthews gospel Jesus gives two cases in which a person is coming to God in worship, one person realises he has something against another man, the other person realises a man has something against him. Jesus says, in both cases, before you worship God, go to that person yourself and alone and get things right. n other words it is always YOUR responsibility to take an intiative to reconcile. And Jesus describes the appropriate process to take. (See Matthew 5:22-24 and Matthew 18:14-16)

Look at the two versions of the Lord's prayer. One says "forgives us our debts as we forgive those who are indebted to us;" the other says "forgive us our sins as we forgive those who sin against us." Our "debts" are our sins of omission - things we should have done, but didn't. Our "sins" of course are our sins of comission - things we should not have done, but did. In both cases, we condemn ourselves in the presence of God if we do not forgive. If you didn't think of this before, and you catch yourself saying the Lord's prayer, be careful, you are asking God to forgive you in the same way you forgive (or not) others!

Ouch!

 

[Kit Sigmon]

So someone is partially repentant, says sorry but denies their criminal acts towards you, tries to manipulate and is still actively trying to cause difficulties by messaging deceased partners relatives, and unforgiveness creeps in.

No such thing as partial forgiveness.
Saying sorry is meaningless when you deny your own criminal acts and it
also shows the person would still wrong you.

Is forgiveness still obligatory?

Forgiveness involves giving up your "right" to be bitter and vengeful as long
as you think is right.
We turn the person and the matter over to God, cause He will handle the
whole situation justly.

Is it enough to at least try to not be bitter and not wish the person any ill?
Is it okay to aim to forgive in future?

Forgiveness is a process, not a one time thing...you may find yourself repeating
the process many times due to the offender "stirring the pot".

I was advised by pastor to avoid communication with this person April last year. Have not replied since May. I could forgive at first but am no longer able to with each successive communication attempt or plot. This person now lives a few hundred miles away.

EDIT
I have forgiven the original acts. It is the continued attempts to cause trouble that I can't forgive and the communications since.

I would cut off all means this person can contact you... even if they are having others relating their doings and sayings to you. Tell such "go betweens" that you don't wish to hear nothing more about what that person is doing or saying and if
said persons try to tell you something halt the conversation and move on.

Often times tale bearers are the worst and I have found some were the ones who be making up stuff and blaming it on the person who offended you.

 

[Sam91]

Forgive is good for the forgiver, and in that sense is unconnected with the acceptance or otherwise of the guilty partner. The measure of your forgiveness is the measure of forgiveness you will recieve - and every time you say the Lord's prayer your confirm that this is the way you want it!

Remember Jesus, at the very moment when soldiers were nailing him to the cross in an act of execution, and without their asking for it, prayed "Father, forgive them because they don't know what they're doing." If we forgive this quickly and this sincerely, we help to innoculate our own hearts from bitterness.

This is my own experience: A close friend once did something that was very painful to me, led to many other people perpetuating additional wrongs towards me, with consequences that have lasted over 40 years.

Somewhen in that period, I realised how my heart had grown bitter against him, and more than bitter, and I realised that now I had sinned against him, and my own heart was being scarred as a result. I had waited so long to hear him ask for forgiveness but it never came. Finally I went to him and asked him for forgiveness for the bitterness in my heart against him.

In Matthews gospel Jesus gives two cases in which a person is coming to God in worship, one person realises he has something against another man, the other person realises a man has something against him. Jesus says, in both cases, before you worship God, go to that person yourself and alone and get things right. n other words it is always YOUR responsibility to take an intiative to reconcile. And Jesus describes the appropriate process to take. (See Matthew 5:22-24 and Matthew 18:14-16)

Look at the two versions of the Lord's prayer. One says "forgives us our debts as we forgive those who are indebted to us;" the other says "forgive us our sins as we forgive those who sin against us." Our "debts" are our sins of omission - things we should have done, but didn't. Our "sins" of course are our sins of comission - things we should not have done, but did. In both cases, we condemn ourselves in the presence of God if we do not forgive. If you didn't think of this before, and you catch yourself saying the Lord's prayer, be careful, you are asking God to forgive you in the same way you forgive (or not) others!

Ouch!

This is indeed my problem. It is while saying the Lords prayer, which for some reason has been very tempting to say while praying. I don't say it often. How can I go about this forgiveness. My heart won't do it. My mind is lying when I say I forgive. How did you do it?

I forgave the traumatic things, that was the easy bit. It is this extended stuff I am hard hearted about. Pray with me that the Lord helps me forgive?

 

[Sam91]

I would cut off all means this person can contact you... even if they are having others relating their doings and sayings to you. Tell such "go betweens" that you don't wish to hear nothing more about what that person is doing or saying and if
said persons try to tell you something halt the conversation and move on.

Often times tale bearers are the worst and I have found some were the ones who be making up stuff and blaming it on the person who offended you.

Thank you. I shall next time anyone tries.

 

[faroukfarouk]

This is indeed my problem. It is while saying the Lords prayer, which for some reason has been very tempting to say while praying. I don't say it often. How can I go about this forgiveness. My heart won't do it. My mind is lying when I say I forgive. How did you do it?

I forgave the traumatic things, that was the easy bit. It is this extended stuff I am hard hearted about. Pray with me that the Lord helps me forgive?

Well, as suggested, if we are focusing on the Lord as in Hebrews 12.2, then the feelings of passion and resentment in fixation with the person who has harmed in the past are less likely to be uppermost.

 

[Phil 1:21]

Yes, I know that verse well. Hence I forgave but set boundaries to protect myself and family. Problem is as much as I try, which isn't very hard latterly I can't forgive in the full sense of the word.

Keep pressing into God, taking it to Him in prayer.

All I seem to be able do is to try to forget and check any impulses to think anything negative about the person when I receive communication or people contact me to tell me what he is saying about me to them. Which are lies. They don't know him. Meanwhile, because I am not contacting him I can not tell him to stop. Which wouldn't work anyway as any contact from me is supposedly a reward.

I've been through this same situation, only it was a family member creating the problems. Whenever someone would come to me and say, "Do you know what so-n-so said about you?" I'd tell them that with all due respect, I can't control what that person says, but I can control how I respond to it. And that being the case, I will not discuss it or engage with it in any way.

Eventually the people to whom this person was spreading lies figured it out. Regrettably, that person now lives a very lonely existence, and I continue to pray for him/her every day.

 

[Sam91]

Well, as suggested, if we are focusing on the Lord as in Hebrews 12.2, then the feelings of passion and resentment in fixation with the person who has harmed in the past are less likely to be uppermost.

It's not a fixation. Its a flight or fight response. I trust in God and it goes away but I was scared for my life for a while (maybe ungroundedly) so I get a feeling still where i feel like I am suffocated. I prayed for healing a couple of weeks ago then he resurfaced. Now this feeling that I need to reforgive.

 

[Sam91]

Keep pressing into God, taking it to Him in prayer.



I've been through this same situation, only it was a family member creating the problems. Whenever someone would come to me and say, "Do you know what so-n-so said about you?" I'd tell them that with all due respect, I can't control what that person says, but I can control how I respond to it. And that being the case, I will not discuss it or engage with it in any way.

Eventually the people to whom this person was spreading lies figured it out. Regrettably, that person now lives a very lonely existence, and I continue to pray for him/her every day.

Thank you for this! I am feeling even more equipped now. I like the way you told them. I can adapt that to suit my circumstance. I will keep pressing into the Lord and pray about it until it is no longer an issue.

 

[Sam91]

Thank you to everyone who posted. I know the way now. You have all been useful in different aspects of the solution. Thank you for helping me.