Forgiveness...

[.Mikha'el.]

The pastor today was talking in church today about the importance of forgiveness, and it hit home for me. There are a number of people at CF that have treated me very badly in the past, and I still hold incredible bitterness towards them about it.

Where I struggle as a Christian is distinguishing between forgiving someone, and allowing that person to treat me as a doormat to be walked on. I don't believe that any Christian would advocate for that. I have no problem forgiving people who are genuinely remorseful, but I have a much tougher time when the person has no idea he or she has even transgressed against me at all. For me, that sort of forgiveness amounts to a license for someone to act however he or she wants without any consequence.

My question is how to proceed. Do I really have to freely allow these people back in my life as if nothing ever happened? I know there is one person who probably should get an explanation from me about why she's blocked. Where do I go from here?

 

[Winter]

I've often believed the concept of forgiveness is never explained well.

Forgiveness means being at peace about the situation. It means wishing those who have hurt you with peace and good thoughts. But that is all. It does not mean you should necessarily trust nor be close friends again. But it does mean letting go of whatever anger you have towards them. It means praying for them and wishing them well. But again, that doesn't mean being friendly with them.

As an example - I had friends who betrayed me in unbelievable ways. My best friend slept with one of my boyfriends. My ex-fiance had affairs while we were planning our marriage. Friends who claimed to be supporting me were speaking badly behind my back and manipulating situations that only caused me pain. There is a lot more to that, but those are some of the graver examples.

So what did I do? How did I reconcile my Christian concept on forgiveness to the reality of how the situation presents itself? First, I had to move on, heal, and let go of the pain they caused me. I stopped thinking about it - stopped dwelling. I had to find peace within. Then once that was established I was able to "make peace" with those who hurt me. I did that by praying for them, wishing good things for them, but keeping them far far far far away from me with a 10 foot pole. If I ran into them at a public place I'd cordially say hello. If they emailed me I'd respond politely but was vague and brief in my responses. If they asked for a favor or wanted to hang out with me, I politely declined by making up an excuse.

Simply put, I didn't want to be their friends anymore. These were toxic people - people that would hurt and jeopardize me again. I had ZERO trust in them. I had no more trust in them than a sneaky suspicious person hanging outside of a bar. But I forgave them nonetheless. This forgiveness came in the form of thinking good thoughts towards them, praying for them, and being polite when I saw them. But beyond that, no more.

Forgiveness is about being at peace with yourself and with the other person. It doesn't necessarily mean you need trust them again - or that you have to be friendly or associate with them. It means wishing them well but letting them go as people in your life.

I hope this was helpful.

 

[Willie T]

This is something I will not attempt to explain to you because it really takes some study, but a fact you may come to learn, if you live long enough is ...... If you CAN be offended, you WILL be.

 

[.Mikha'el.]

Well, I now have a video of today's church service available online, so if you don't mind, I'll post a link here. That way, you'll know exactly what was said. The sermon starts 40 minutes in.

 

[Jeshu]

Forgiveness has to do more with oneself than the person who needs to be forgiven. This is because resentment, bitterness, anger, feelings of dislike and the likes dwell in our hearts when we haven't forgiven someone their trespasses, spiritual feelings like that always harm us more and hinder our love life.

To forgive our neighbour is to break the toxic cycle of sin inside our own heart for we do away with the bitterness and the resentment and allow love to enter those parts of us again.

About hanging out with people who have badly hurt us is another matter. We can forgive someone completely - clean our heart of all bad feelings towards such a person - but yet know that this person is likely to hurt us again and therefore stay at a distance.

 

[rowantree]

Jeshu I like what you have said there. It is so true. Yes, forgive someone and also let them know if you can, that you forgive them, and if you feel you may have done anything to upset or hurt them, then apologise for it that has happened, but then, let it go. If the person does not accept you know that they are indeed only going to hurt you again and I agree with you, to keep away from them. That is what I have done, and it is difficult, but I guess it is what we have to do.

 

[Criada]

I agree with what others have said. I found forgiveness very difficult indeed for a long time. What I found helped was praying for those who had hurt me. It was hard at first, because deep down the bitterness inside meant that I didn't really want God to bless them! But, as I kept praying for God's will in their lives, I started to see them as God's children - people who had probably been abused themselves... and eventually I found that I genuinely did want them to be blessed, to be saved and to know God.
I still wouldn't spend time with them, and I certainly wouldn't let my children anywhere near them - but the harm they did me doesn't eat me up any longer.
Forgiveness is for us, the victime, it sets us free from the hurt.

 

[rowantree]

Criada, I love what you have said there. Yes, pray for those who abuse and use us - see them as hurting children. But always knowing that they will only hurt us again because their sickness makes them do that. There is always a need to protect ourselves from those who abuse us, even if they have been abused themselves. That is a hard thing - because our natural instinct is to try and bring about reconciliation - but so often these people will have hard heart - probably to protect themselves also. But no way are we expected or called upon to put ourselves in the way of further abuse. Thankyou for this thread Michael. It is an intersting and helpful one.