Forgiveness after cheating?

[AthenaCat]

Hey there everyone! I'll try and keep this concise but I'm a writer by trade, so please excuse me if I get wordy. I almost don't even know where to begin, because I really feel like I need to paint a clear picture.

My boyfriend and I have been together for a VERY happy year and a half. We communicate well, about everything, we understand each other’s strengths and weaknesses and love each other in spite of them. One of the reasons we understand each other so well is that we're very much the same person.

His 'best friend' (besides me) was a girl he'd known for years, and dated for a while back when he was younger. (We're both 26 now, and they dated when they were about 19, so it's not as if it was recent.) I was determined to not let this be a problem, in fact, the person I consider my best friend (besides him, of course) is of the opposite sex and I understand how frustrating it is when your significant other doesn't believe/accept/trust you enough for that to be okay.

This girl happens to live in a city a few hours away, so she'd come to visit a couple of times, and everything had been fine. We got along well, and when I saw how he interacted with her, I felt totally confident in the fact that they were just friends.

Last weekend, she came to visit again. We all went out to dinner and they happened to meet up with some old mutual friends of theirs, who I didn't know. Everyone was reminiscing and drinking pretty heavily so I excused myself early since I had a meeting the next morning. I had to leave town for work immediately following my day at the office the next evening.

Fast forward to the day I get back (3 days later) and I run into one of the girls that works at the office of our apartment complex and informs me of a 'lease violation' that occurred the night I came home early - namely, the two of them having sex in the resident lounge upstairs. On camera.

He claims to be blackout drunk at the time and swears he does not remember one second of it - in fact, the maintenance man had to come tell him the next day that he needed to go handle the violation with the leasing department. Not that that is any type of excuse, at ALL, but I tend to believe him, only because I really don't think he's dumb enough to do that in sound mind. After all, my name is on the lease too...of course they would have to tell me about it. We are both fully aware that there are cameras up there. It's just beyond idiotic. I know he loves me, and while I'm aware that he has his own insecurities in some ways, I really don't think he would have done this sober. I’m nearly 100% confident that nothing like this has ever happened before.

Now a couple of more pieces of information to consider (not that any of this necessarily matters in regards the actual incident, just sort of background). He has struggled with alcohol issues in the past - that's one of the things I've come to accept about him. Of course, it's never affected our relationship in any negative way, and since we've been dating, he's never had much of a problem controlling himself. Until now, of course.

Another thing I'm struggling with personally (again, not related to the actual incident) is that while I have been 100% emotionally and physically faithful to my current boyfriend, I can't say the same for people I've dated in the past. And while I have asked for forgiveness for those mistakes, if I'm being completely honest I'm not sure I've forgiven myself. In some ways, in the back of my mind, I sometimes felt like I didn't deserve to be in such a good, healthy relationship. Of course, that's just the devil talking, but it weaseled its way into my brain. I feel like, however small a part of me, I was waiting for the other shoe to fall.

At first I was angry that he didn't tell me immediately, but I had some very important, career-changing meetings while I was out of town, and had I known I would have been destroyed, and most likely unable to do my job. As it was I had to take a day off work to just regroup and collect myself. I've come to accept that now, and I can ALMOST even respect it. But the fact remains, I can barely look at him, or let him touch me without feeling disgusted. I want to forgive him, I think our relationship is strong enough to make it through, but I'm not sure he deserves that. I've given him so much - everything, in fact, and he might as well have spit in my face. It's the worst possible thing he could have done, drunk or not. I also am rational enough to understand that my anger is doing most of the talking in my brain right now, but I don't know how to change that.

He's discontinued contact with her, and not even at my request. His exact words were, "I don't care how drunk we were, a real friend wouldn't ever let me destroy the best thing in my life." I keep trying to imagine the shoe on the other foot...if I'd been the one to make a mistake, would I expect him to forgive me? Of course. No relationship is perfect, and everyone makes mistakes. And before this happened, I would have classified our relationship as 'nearly perfect.' Is this just our version of baggage that we have to deal with?

I know no one can answer these questions for me with any degree of certainty, but I've told very few people about what happened and I just needed to get it all out on a page, so to speak. I'd appreciate any advice you can give. Even if we get our relationship back on track, I know it won't ever be the same, and I don't expect it to. I'm just having a hard time looking at my own decisions objectively, since I'm so emotionally invested. Although I feel in my heart I should forgive, am I being naive? Should I just write it off as 'it was nice while it lasted' and move on, once a cheater always a cheater? Has anyone been in this situation?

Thanks so much for any insight and advice. I truly appreciate any thoughts and prayers. God bless!

 

[Life2Christ]

Wow. Ok. My opinion, yes what he did was wrong and horrible to you but I give him credit for discontinuing contact with her. They key to making things better with you is discontinuing contact. You would be surprised by how many low-down cheater STILL talk to and keep in contact the the affair partner. He is drawing his line in the sand and choosing you.

Ok, now if you are willing to forgive ( a big step on your part) you must be willing to move foward with him without throwing it back in his face, in the future. Its like both of you have to do the work (with him doing the majority of the heavy lifting).

You say your relationship won't be the same. Could it then be better down the road? Something to consider.

What worries me is that someone can get so drunk that they lose ability to think rationally. This is a big red flag for your relationship and something to consider.

Your boyfriend is on probation until he can prove himself once again. To see if he's legit, see how humble he is. Is he cutting back or stopping his drinking? Is he mending his ways? Is he less arrogant? If he's not doing any of these things, thank God he's showing you this now so you can find SOMEONE ELSE!

Take it day by day. This all happened for a reason. Good luck.

 

[AthenaCat]

Thanks so much for your response! And to answer your question, yes...to all of the above. He's put the brakes on the drinking, although we've had the discussion that this is no longer a situation (the drinking, I mean) we can sweep under the rug. I realize when we're talking about addiction, you can't stop for someone else, only for yourself. While I'm more than willing to support him in his journey to recovery, he can't do it FOR me. He's never considered himself an "alcoholic" before, but he does understand that blacking out and sleeping someone that's not the person you claim to be the 'love of your life' is pretty much rock bottom.

As far as being humble, I'm actually really surprised by his reaction. He's very genuine, and he's more than willing to wait, not knowing how long it will take me, or if I'll ever be able to get past it. I think that more than anything he's shrouded in guilt because he hates to see me in pain, and he said to me (we've talked and talked and talked about this extensively) the worst part is knowing not only that he caused it, but that there's nothing he can do to make me feel better.

I think you're also right about throwing it in his face. And I'll admit, although it's early days I've definitely been trying to 'punish' him, more or less, thinking somehow it would make me feel better (which, it absolutely doesn't). In fact, he just sits there and takes all my yelling, crying and name-calling like a sad, abused puppy dog. I actually have tried to say things to intentionally make him angry with me, to no avail. He says no matter what I say or do he has no right to feel anger towards me.

I think I'm ready to stop being angry and childish, it's just hard. Although I'm aware forgiveness is divine, my ego is definitely getting in the way. I suppose it will just take time and a lot of prayer if it's meant to happen at all.

Thanks so much for you insight.

 

[Life2Christ]

I think I'm ready to stop being angry and childish, it's just hard.

You're allowed. He still has to prove himself and that takes time. There has been a serious breach in your relationship. You sound mature enough to know when you're ready to truly forgive. In the meantime, keep feeling him out to see if he's serious.

 

[kat69]

It wasn't cheating. It was rape.

You've been stalking me since late 2009. This is the third site you've followed me to. In that time you've harrassed me about my sexuality and accused me of believing things about women and Jews you know I don't believe. You knew I was neurotic, and you made it worse when you never talked to me about my feelings, when you made everything seem highly, unusually secretive, and when you said in front of everyone I didn't tell you I loved you. You know I had bipolar, and you harrassed me to the point that the mood changes became very severe. I had to be hospitalized.

You didn't believe in me. The person I loved didn't believe in me.

Since you don't have a sense of justice, it doesn't matter to you who knows that you impersonate Jews on this message board and other message boards. You don't care who knows that you're an anti-Semite. God should have killed you instead of Rachel.

You're not going to stop. You didn't know anything at all about me and you still acted. What was utterly unbelievable is that you acted without knowing anything. Now that you know better, you're still acting.

You're not a Christian. You never have been. God wouldn't make a world with psychopaths in it, and it's not a world I want to live in. You lost touch with reality a long time ago, when you had your nervous breakdown. I can't keep being afraid of someone who's unstable and determined to hurt me. The rewards in life are too small for me to put up with this.

 

[Gabe7]

I like red marbles.

 

[kat69]

I like red marbles.

Really? The blue ones are far more superior!

 

[Mrs. Luther073082]

I'm not thinking there are any marbles to be found in this thread. WHERE ARE THE MARBLES?!?!

 

[AthenaCat]

Ummm...I would say something rude, since it took a lot for me to lay out all my business on the interwebs, but I think that person seriously needs help. Yikes.

 

[Mrs. Luther073082]

Nvm. I will respond in rep comments.

 

[fm107]

Dear sister AthenaCat,

All credit to you for your approach to this in that you are taking a step backwards and considering what has happened. That alone takes self control and shows your mature spiritual state. In that you haven't immediately thrown in the towel on your marriage.

Now I wish to forewarn you that what has happened could remain in your mind for the rest of your life. Satan may use it as a tool to aggravate you at different times in your life and make you lose your peace. You may have to constantly be battling him in your mind, it depends on you but many struggle for years if not their entire life with this if they have been cheated on and choose to remain with their spouse. But remaining with your husband, I believe is the more blessed thing to do. And let's not forget the vow you took, for better or for worse.

With regards to your marriage, God does allow a person to divorce her partner if he has committed adultery which your husband has done. However, the more spiritual thing to do (if your able for it) is to forgive him. He has shown signs of his repentance and if your able for it, I think God would greatly bless you if your able to forgive him. Let's just remember what the bible says about love, read carefully what these verses say, you probably know them already:

1 Corinthians 13:4-8
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.

Once a cheater always a cheater? No, this isn't the case. It depends on the person. Is your husband saved?

I would also like to gently warn you, of Satan's hand in your life from this point. Your already talking about ways of taking revenge, it is natural to want to do this but you must recognise that this isn't a good state of mind. Some people who get cheated on go on to cheat on their partner with someone else, perhaps thinking "well he done it to me." Then Satan wins an even greater victory.

The test of love and a good relationship doesn't lay with the good times you have together. A good relationship is one that both husband and wife endure through hardship and strife out of love for one another. A good relationship suffers blows and trials and in the end you can look back and say surely, we truly loved one another, our love kept no records of wrong, we persevered through the trials of our marriage.

I leave these simple thoughts with you for your contemplation.

I encourage you to keep praying, seek guidance and help from the Lord in this rocky part of your life. He listens and cares for you greatly. He can offer you comfort and peace.

1 Peter 5:7
Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.

May God bless you, your brother in him.

 

[ajunkyarddog]

Wow. Ok. My opinion, yes what he did was wrong and horrible to you but I give him credit for discontinuing contact with her. They key to making things better with you is discontinuing contact. You would be surprised by how many low-down cheater STILL talk to and keep in contact the the affair partner. He is drawing his line in the sand and choosing you.

Ok, now if you are willing to forgive ( a big step on your part) you must be willing to move foward with him without throwing it back in his face, in the future. Its like both of you have to do the work (with him doing the majority of the heavy lifting).

You say your relationship won't be the same. Could it then be better down the road? Something to consider.

What worries me is that someone can get so drunk that they lose ability to think rationally. This is a big red flag for your relationship and something to consider.

Your boyfriend is on probation until he can prove himself once again. To see if he's legit, see how humble he is. Is he cutting back or stopping his drinking? Is he mending his ways? Is he less arrogant? If he's not doing any of these things, thank God he's showing you this now so you can find SOMEONE ELSE!

Take it day by day. This all happened for a reason. Good luck.

I really agree with all of this. I am very impressed with your ability to see past your anger to a future of possible forgiveness.
Couples can get past this.

But, he needs to stop drinking.

 

[St_Worm2]

Hi AthenaCat, I wanted to post some comments but I'm confused about a very important point, is the man you're talking about in the OP your "boyfriend" or your "husband"? Your OP says "boyfriend", but several here at CF refer to your "marriage" so I'm confused, are you married or single?

Thanks!

Yours and His,
David

 

[St_Worm2]

Q: How did Rachel die?

A: She died giving birth to her last child, Benjamin, while she was on her way to Bethlehem.
​

 

[biscuitfeatures]

Hey, I've just written some of my thoughts about forgiveness (with a Biblical perspective) in my blog - the link is in my signature, just scroll down to where it says "Forgive - Part 1". Take a squiz if you're interested, might help a little

 

[AthenaCat]

Hahaha...marble comments = A-OK. I actually got a good chuckle out of them. It was really just the stalker person that I was worried about. Not gonna lie, it creeped me out a little bit.

Just to clear things up, yes he is my boyfriend and not my husband. I know it's a big difference as far as the actual vows before God goes, but as far as commitment to each other, I don't think I'd be off base saying we were both on marriage's level of commitment (if you can be without being married? haha...not sure if that even makes sense).

 

[If Not For Grace]

Trust is the most important thing in a relationship. Period. (including your relationship w/God.) At this time there is no realistic expectation of real trust that I can see.


BF Maintains relationship w/ex GF while "committed" to new GF
BF Drinks to point of Blackouts (usually a situation that occurs only w/chronic alcoholism) or is that just what he told you?
BF has sex w/ex in an area that is "on camera" (?)
You find out from a "friend" other than BF
BF's reaction is to BLAME the EX for the situation (another common characteristic of alcoholic behavior)

I don't care how drunk we were, a real friend wouldn't ever let me destroy the best thing in my life." I keep trying to imagine the shoe on the other foot...if I'd been the one to make a mistake, would I expect him to forgive me?

None of this behavior demonstates maturity on any level, but all of a sudden b/c
he said he is having no contact w/EX, this is Credible?

HYE tried to change a habit/behavior? I mean like losing weight, quit smoking, go a week w/o using your cell phone? It's HARD, even if you want to..its next to impossible if you don't. He sounds more sorry you found out, than soory for what HE did (But that's right SHE should not have let him--IFhe was "blacked out" I wonder
IF she could have stopped him?)

Forgiveness is not so much about forgetting as it is letting go of the hurt?

Do you realize that if you sleep w/this guy you might be subjecting yourself to a serious form of STD (some of which lay dormat for a number of years), I mean you have to now "square" his sex life by "hers" at the very least.

I say forgive, that means move on without a grudge againt the NEXT guy, but that is in NO way another chance. Cut your losses, this BF has
too many problems to be capable of being in a mature, loving relationship.

Once a cheater always a cheater?

The answer to that is not Always-but USUALLY
But ask an alcoholic? The answer is ALWAYS
... Don't be a statistic, I beg you.

It took courage to bring this issue out, take the next step. Go to an Al-Anon meeting & listen to Your story over/over/over/over (are u tired yet) and over/over & see how many of those people went through what you have only once or twice - learn from
experience.

Please Let me hear from those who have BEEN cheated on--just once, let me hear from the spouses whom suffered through this ordeal & for whom nothing changed.
This is post #20, I'm anxious to hear how long it took them & how the epsiode was NEVER hear from again.

 

[aiki]

AthenaCat:

Are you a Christian?

Aiki.

 

[Mrs. Luther073082]

Hahaha...marble comments = A-OK. I actually got a good chuckle out of them. It was really just the stalker person that I was worried about. Not gonna lie, it creeped me out a little bit.

Just to clear things up, yes he is my boyfriend and not my husband. I know it's a big difference as far as the actual vows before God goes, but as far as commitment to each other, I don't think I'd be off base saying we were both on marriage's level of commitment (if you can be without being married? haha...not sure if that even makes sense).

No offense, but, no.

 

[Teemu]

Yeah I'd say the attempt to try lay the blame on that ex is worrying, if he can't remember anything, then he can't really say the ex was more sober, considering that alcohol compromises men's "functionality" more, it could be even possible that he was the more sober side during the intercourse. He needs to take the responsibility, and needs to stop drinking totally.