Forgiven or Unforgiven (Please read, tnx)

[PARCmd]

[FONT='Arial','sans-serif']Hi! To fellow Christians, please read the entire story below – thanks![/FONT]
[FONT='Arial','sans-serif']I have an OCD for almost 7 years already. For the first three years, it was purely Compulsions (no obsessive thoughts or whatnot). It simply disappeared or became very subtle during my college years (next four years). It resurfaced just late this month – not as Compulsions – but as Obsessions.[/FONT]
[FONT='Arial','sans-serif']I have been terrified and fearful because of the on-going war (OCD) on my head for the past two weeks, but when I read in the Net that those (the uncontrollable thoughts) are forgivable, I was greatly relieved – however, my OCD started branching out into different directions – like trying to cancel out the incoming blasphemous thoughts by thinking about it and thinking about the “not” after it – that sort of cancels it. One thing, however, that happened, is that it became furiously out of control, and maybe at times, it is me who initiates those thoughts – not an obsession, but probably a real thought – by me. This adds to my guilt and fear that maybe I have committed the unforgivable sin – because it just happens that I think about those blasphemous thoughts and the word “not” (to cancel it) not actually to cancel an incoming blasphemous thought, but just because it became a habit.[/FONT]
[FONT='Arial','sans-serif']While the occasional obsessions or unwanted thoughts that spring out of the OCD mind (regardless of how blasphemous they are) are universally accepted as forgivable, there are some modifications in my OCD that I think may lead or may even be THE unpardonable sin:[/FONT]
[FONT='Arial','sans-serif']1. [FONT='Arial','sans-serif']As stated above, I cancel incoming blasphemous thoughts by thinking about them and the word “not” subsequently. Sometimes though, I forget to think about the word “not”. And what’s worse – it just became sort of a habit to me – thinking about blasphemous thoughts and the word “not” and sometimes forgetting to say the word “not”.[/FONT][/FONT]
[FONT='Arial','sans-serif']2. [FONT='Arial','sans-serif']I was sitting on my bed yesterday, when suddenly a thought popped out of my mind – I do not know if it was indeed mine or of the OCD – it just sort of popped. It was a blasphemous thought, and then I said (thought) “not” seconds after to cancel that. Was it indeed canceled?[/FONT][FONT='Arial','sans-serif'][/FONT][/FONT]
[FONT='Arial','sans-serif']3. [FONT='Arial','sans-serif']Later, wanting to check if I really did that, I tried to repeat what happened – and through this, I repeated the blasphemous thought and forgot to say “not” – which I did thought of only 5 seconds after. [/FONT][/FONT]
[FONT='Arial','sans-serif']4. [FONT='Arial','sans-serif']When I was going to sleep, my head was suddenly filled with the urge (again, I don’t know if the urge was mine or the OCD’s – AND I’M REALLY AFRAID BECAUSE IT MIGHT BE MINE) to think about a thought like this: “[The blasphemy]…[not]” (Given this, the blasphemy is canceled, right?), so I thought about it. Then something just went to my mind - an urge to think about the word “not” (This cancels the initial one, thus making the blasphemy true) – I thought about it, to my horror. I did not know why I thought about it – or why did I have such an urge to do so. I immediately repeated the word “not” after a few seconds. – so I went to sleep extremely guilty and fearful.[/FONT][/FONT]
[FONT='Arial','sans-serif']5. [FONT='Arial','sans-serif']As I was getting up from bed the next day, another blasphemous thought happened (I don’t know if it was me or the OCD which started it) – I thought about the word “not” – canceling the blasphemy…[/FONT][/FONT]
[FONT='Arial','sans-serif']6. [FONT='Arial','sans-serif']But then, it was followed by another, which is another bad blasphemy, after which I thought “not” again – but suddenly it morphed from a blasphemy to one which is, well, still a blasphemy, but with a word “not” inserted in it – I was still canceling the first thought with my “nots” when this second thought (to which the first one morphed into) appeared– and since the second one had a “not”, when I think about the word “not” again, it would make the blasphemy true. The problem with this, is that since I’m half-asleep and half-awake, I was still thinking repeatedly about the word “not” to cancel the first blasphemy when this second thought happened – making this second blasphemy true (to my extreme horror). [/FONT][/FONT]
[FONT='Arial','sans-serif']7. [FONT='Arial','sans-serif']I was going to the bank to pay some dues during 10 AM when I had the same thoughts again with #6 (above). However, the initial blasphemy, after I canceled it by thinking about the word “not”, was again morphed (I don’t know if it was me or my OCD – I really don’t know) – into another blasphemy, sporting a word “not” after it – which effectively cancels it. However, as I was still caught with the initial thought, I kept on repeating the word “not” in my head to cancel it (like the situatin above), even when the second thought (containing the word “not” in it) appeared – which, again, effectively makes the blasphemy true. Thing is, the “not” word has been repeated several times, which makes me doubt whether or not I’ve canceled these thoughts (same with # 6, above)[/FONT][/FONT]
[FONT='Arial','sans-serif']If it is possible, please answer per item if those thoughts indeed are the UNPARDONABLE sin (or if it was canceled) and if you had experiences with this. Did you have experiences of these?[/FONT]
[FONT='Arial','sans-serif']What really makes me worried is that – maybe God has abandoned me or maybe He would not forgive me – or worse, maybe I am really meant to go to hell someday.[/FONT]
[FONT='Arial','sans-serif'] I am due to take the Medical Entrance Examinations in the coming weeks, and if these feelings inside me persisted, I fear that I might not make the grade that I need – I couldn’t even study well or process information at this point. On the other hand, I also have a worry that I might have committed the unpardonable sin. [/FONT]
[FONT='Arial','sans-serif']I’m an honest Christian; I don’t do drugs or stuff like that. I’ve been brought up in a Bible-believing Christian family (dad is Baptist, mom is Evangelical), and my parents do Mission work. I believe in the teachings of Jesus Christ and in the Bible. And of course, I’ve seen God work through my life before this resurgence of my OCD. That’s it – but then, I’m dead worried that I might not be go to Heaven someday, or that God might not help me in the upcoming Medicine Entrance Examinations and stuff like that because of the stuff I mentioned above. [/FONT]
[FONT='Arial','sans-serif']One thing I’m sure of is that I’m totally a wreck right now – keeping on thinking if I’m still saved – and those situations (urges) above, particularly Numbers 1-7, might actually be a product of my VERY OWN thinking (not of the OCD) – leading to unpardonable sin. I am deeply worried right now – I don’t even have joy. Maybe I won’t be happy again in my entire life. I can’t even distinguish between my very own thoughts and that of the OCD – maybe I have been all along committing the Unpardonable Sin.[/FONT]
[FONT='Arial','sans-serif']After two weeks of these intense OCD in my head, my OCD symptoms are gradually starting to clear up (thank God!), but I still don’t know if I have committed the unpardonable sin and if I’m going to Heaven someday.[/FONT]
[FONT='Arial','sans-serif']I would also like to know if you also had problems distinguishing between your own thoughts and that of the OCD.[/FONT]
[FONT='Arial','sans-serif']Thanks and God Bless![/FONT]
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[marcb]

PARCmd,

I can relate to everything you said. I play the "NOT game" still. Even though I know it's ocd I perceive that the stakes are high and even eternal.

Here is what God says about thoughts:

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways,"
declares the LORD.
"As the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts.
-Isaiah 55:8,9

Even though I deal with this daily, I must realize that God is not a much bigger version of me. He is all-knowing and all-discerning. He knows your obsessions and your fears. He made you. Do you think He made us to wait for the day our thoughts would condemn us? He is just. It's a good thing we are not in charge of our own judgement, since we think our thoughts are all-important.

We must be careful about reassurance when our ocd is spiking.
My pastor is learning about ocd and is becoming a great counselor on this. He will now say, "I am not entering the spin cycle with you. If you sinned, confess it. That's it." No reassurance to feed the cycle. It fades away faster without the assurance.

May God equip you to fight this.

 

[gracealone]

We must be careful about reassurance when our ocd is spiking.
My pastor is learning about ocd and is becoming a great counselor on this. He will now say, "I am not entering the spin cycle with you. If you sinned, confess it. That's it." No reassurance to feed the cycle. It fades away faster without the assurance.



Wow Marc!!! How awesome to have a Pastor that really gets just how OCD preys on it's victims. Please when you get a chance tell him that although I don't know him I am incredibly thankful to God for him and his willingness to recognize that OCD is a real disorder and then to give you such sound advice, as "not entering the spin cycle" by offering yet more reassurance for the invalid accusations of your OCD. What a blessing and a breath of fresh air from the more common response of.... "apparantly you are very much lacking in faith".
Thanks for sharing that.
Mitzi

 

[marcb]

We must be careful about reassurance when our ocd is spiking.
My pastor is learning about ocd and is becoming a great counselor on this. He will now say, "I am not entering the spin cycle with you. If you sinned, confess it. That's it." No reassurance to feed the cycle. It fades away faster without the assurance.



Wow Marc!!! How awesome to have a Pastor that really gets just how OCD preys on it's victims. Please when you get a chance tell him that although I don't know him I am incredibly thankful to God for him and his willingness to recognize that OCD is a real disorder and then to give you such sound advice, as "not entering the spin cycle" by offering yet more reassurance for the invalid accusations of your OCD. What a blessing and a breath of fresh air from the more common response of.... "apparantly you are very much lacking in faith".
Thanks for sharing that.
Mitzi

Thanks, Mitzi. I'll tell him. He's very perceptive. During one of my "confessions" he said (tongue in cheek), "you're going to hell, brother!" I actually started to tell myself that and it puts the whole thing into perspective. Earlier today I started this strategy, thinking "well, I guess I'm going to hell..." instead of "undoing." It worked well, except I caught myself overanalyzing this, thinking that I was offending God by dismissing how wonderful Salvation is and what it cost Him. I had to go back to "My thoughts are not your thoughts, nor or my ways your ways" from Isaiah 55. This was less assurance and more of a truth about God. "God is not man shouted loudly" and is therefore so beyond my comprehension that I don't need to figure out what He thinks about my thoughts. My job is to rely on His Grace and power and with His help, be obedient. That is a sufficient task without adding a nebulous overanalysis.

I don't know if any of this is on track or making sense; please don't reassure me, even though I am craving it!!!