Thank you all for your care and time and help. I'm grateful that I've found this forum. I've read what you've said, and it's got me thinking...
Surprised by joy: Thank you... you've said it so simply, but it's comforting.
Paolo: What you said has helped me: "You don´t bring fruit to be accepted of God, You will eventually bring fruit because you are accepted by God." Yes, I realise I've been concentrating too much on all the changes I would have to make...
Devoted Daughter: Thank you for your advice; I will try my best to follow it. I've always wondered a lot about Christianity, and I've decided finally that even if I don't decide that I can believe now, I still have to walk away from this experience a little less ignorant. I find the Bible and this forum very inspiring. I'm currently reading the NIV version of the Bible. You said: "Be open. We only grow and learn from change, but we must show our willingness, and be open to God's plan for us, not our own plan. You don't want to be "stuck", but you "don't want to change"?" I think I was a little unclear... I don't want to be stuck like this halfway, and while I know sooner or later I have to make a decision, I don't want to make it now. I don't want to change... anytime soon. When I say that, I'm aware it could take years and years. I want to read the entire Bible and be clear of all the things that cause me doubt before I make my decision. I do want to believe, but only if I can believe without doubt that I am not doing it for other people...
DudeForChrist: Previously you said, "What kinds of doubts are you having about Jesus? By the way, pretending to believe can be just as hurtful as not believing at all." I'm wondering a lot of things, what I thought only I was confused about, until I read so many other threads and replies here , and I found the answers I was looking for. It's a lot of the common things: the justice of non believers going to heaven and hell, the concept of heaven and hell, and etc. etc... And of course, still, just simply about believing in Jesus, believing that he saved us all. I understand how it is, but it is so hard to believe. I think that people who struggled to convert can understand this. It's defying everything I've ever believed in, and it takes time. And sometimes even time is not enough... Actually, about both being equally harmful, I think pretending to believe is worse. And so for now, I will have to be a formally declared non believer on the outside looking in until one day I might be able to say what I need to say with faith.
Shetland Rose: I know... I know it's out of care and so it is so difficult to push away. "I hope your friend never does give up praying for you." Maybe... I know I would feel terrible if he ever gave up on me, yet I hope if I fail to believe, he will not pressure me. The problem is... I'm certain he has no idea how much pressure this all is. But when he talks of it to me, he looks so sad, that inside of me I am pressuring myself.
No replies are necessary; I know how much time it takes to think up a good response. There are more needy people out there than me. I feel silly already having posted up such a petty problem.