For those new to OCD/scrupulosity

[wagingwar]

This post is coming from a 44 year old guy who has dealt with severe and sometimes debilitating OCD/Scrupulosty for a very long time. Some of you may be new to this and not know what is going on. You may be very scared by what is going through your mind or because of the way you feel. For many years I felt alone, and had no idea what was going on with me. I had no idea what Scrupulosity was. I would talk to my pastor at the time and would only cause him frustration. I want to make sure you know there are people out there who completely understand what you are going through, and more importantly God knows what you are going through.
I want to tell each of you who deal with this, how much God loves you. This post is meant to be an encouragement to you and to let you know you are not alone. Satan wants you to believe that, but it is not true. You are VERY, VERY, VERY special to God. The devil wants nothing more than to make you feel like you are disgusting and that God wants nothing to do with you. That is a lie...Jesus said that satan is the father of lies, he is the accuser of the brethren, he is a roaring lion going around seeking whom he may devour. This is exactly what he is doing. Even as you read this, he may be putting things into your mind to keep you from believing the truth. But remember, he is a lion that has had all of his teeth and claws removed, he has nothing but empty accusations and a hollow roar. Jesus took care of that on the cross. ***Remember that Jesus stands before God as our advocate day and night, while satan tries to accuse us before God.
Something this disease does to us is make us feel like Gods grace is for everybody else but us. Again, another lie, (Please know that when I tell you these things I am talking to myself as well) this is something I deal with. But a pastor/counselor I speak with lets me know that I am an 'everybody else' just like you are.
One thing I learned (and am trying to continue to learn) is that Jesus died for EVERY sin. We have a tendency to make our sin greater than other people's sins. This is false. Our sins are equal with others, but our sensitive conscience elevates our sins to be greater than others. Please remember, there is not one thing that Jesus's death on the cross has not covered. No matter what terrible thought goes through your mind or if you feel a certain way, if you believe in Jesus, His blood has covered it. (Remember Jesus said all we have to have is belief like a little child, which is simple faith not complicated which is what we like to do) I do not think that we put enough importance on the blood of Jesus. I have heard someone say that the blood of Jesus is the most powerful substance in the universe. No sin can overcome it's power!
The older I get I am coming to realize that there is absolutely no way I can do enough to have Jesus accept me, or save myself. This falls in line with OCD perfectionism. Some of you may deal with this. You will know it is an endless and fruitless attempt to try to do enough so that Jesus will accept you. Just the other day my anxiety was through the roof because I felt like I kept messing up and Jesus would not accept me and send me to hell. I went upstairs at my house and went into the bathroom and looked in the mirror, I know the Holy Spirit revealed to me that Jesus's death on the cross had to have taken care of my salvation, if not I would go through this endless cycle for the rest of my life. THAT IS THE REASON JESUS HAD TO PAY THE PRICE....WE CANNOT SAVE OURSELVES...HE TOOK CARE OF IT ALL!! I try to remember that when God looks at me, it is no longer me he see's, but It is Jesus He see's, because Jesus's blood covers me from head to toe.
I would encourage you to focus on scriptures that encourage you. I know some people have listed www.netburst.net as a good site, and they are correct, it is a great site. Grantley Morris is very insightful into these issues and has helped me tremendously through the years. Another thing that has given me huge peace is the book 'Grace Abounding to the chief of Sinners' by John Bunyan. If you go to Libivox.org you can get this book in audio format for free. When I first listened to it I thought John Bunyan and I came from the same mother. It is incredible to think that he lived 400 years ago, but we have so much in common. He goes into great detail about his struggles with OCD, even though he did not know that's what it was.
One thing to remember, some of the most influential people for Jesus have struggled with this disease, John Bunyan and Martin Luther are two that come to mind. It may be the devil knows how mightily God can use you and is trying to keep you from the truth...basically he is scared of how God will use you to bring others to know Him and is doing whatever he can to stop it.
Above all else know that GOD LOVES YOU and is aware of the struggles you go through. There is tremendously more I have went through with this disease through the years. If you have any question please post them and I will do my best to answer if I can. Please remember you are not alone, it is just the devil who wants you to feel like you are.

Best thread I've read so far. Awesome comments from everyone too. Thanks to everyone for all the insight, I love you guys!

 

[wagingwar]

Hi I came to the Lord with OCD. At the time I did not know what it was. Recently I am realizing the issue. My wife said it is certainly a struggle of mine. I remember not thinking I paid a certain tax and I stressed over that for the longest time. I went to the store to pay and the clerk refused it. All that time I thought God was pushing me to go. When I left my old church I had a similar experience of not pleasing God. Now I am a Pastor, church is growing good things are happening and yet I find myself in and out of this guilt and confusion over not doing something 15 yrs ago. At the time I was tormented thinking God was telling me to stand on my corner and preach. Fighting with myself I said when I become a Pastor I will do it. So there lies the problem I in my mind made a "vow." Now I cant live this down it seems as though God is far from me. In all that I am very effective evangelizing in this community. In fact a woman came to the Lord yesterday whom I have been ministering too. We just started a Kids Bible Club in the Housing Projects and much more. Yet I am a failure, embarrassed of God for not standing on the corner I grew up on preaching. I'm ashamed of God and all the other thoughts go through my head.

JP

Even if it "was" God that told you to preach on the corner 1 John 1:9 says If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness, and Titus 1:2 says "God can not lie" so it must be true. Confess it, and believe God has forgiven you, and it's done. I have been focusing on all the positive scriptures lately. It has taken a few months, but it's starting to come alive on the inside. Got so tired of the torment. So done with it. You just need to get mad at the devil for what he's doing to you. We can't give half our time to negative scriptures and negative thoughts and half to the positive. It has to be all positive or we end up an emotional mess.

2 Corinthians 12:7-9 A messenger of Satan was sent to torment Paul so he wouldn't be exalted above measure from the abundance of revelation. Imagine that, an apostle who wrote more than half of the New Testament was tormented by a demon. If he can be tormented, so can we. And I think OCD is a tormenting demon. I know that God told Paul no to being free from it, but this is totally different. We are being tormented in a whole different way than the apostle Paul and for a totally different reason. We have authority over demons. I am experiencing this authority. Command it to go, and believe it will. If it comes back, command it to go again, and again and again. Eventually, you will win. When the devil sees that you will never give up, he will let go, and you will experience victory over this.

Praying that God shows you the power you have over the enemy to the point of it becoming active within you.
Luke 10:19 Behold, I give unto you power to tread on serpents and scorpions, and over all the power of the enemy: and nothing shall by any means hurt you.
2 Corinthians 10:5 Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ.

 

[Shoegirl9]

I am 35 years old, was raised in a Christian home and heard the Gospel all my life....but I've never believed I've been saved. I have struggled with this issue for as long as I can remember and it has caused me pure torment. I didn't even know until about 6 years ago that I even had OCD. Now I know what it is because it surfaces as many different themes. I've had every type of Pure O worry there is! I just had my first baby 4 months ago and I'm struggling now more than ever because I know I'm tasked with teaching him about God and leading him to Christ. I don't know how to do that when I myself don't believe I have salvation. It's as if OCD has kept me from being able to be saved--rather than making me doubt my salvation--I don't believe I've ever received it. In fact, I battle with myself because I feel like I've had so many aversions to God over the years--like it makes me uncomfortable talking about Him and I've turned from Him. So I'm trying to force myself not to reject Him. My parents and my husband think my struggle is all related to OCD. They think I'm saved. But I live in daily torment whenever I focus on this issue because I truly believe I'm not saved. I have never wanted ANYTHING in my life more than I want peace and to be changed so that I can have the relationship with Christ that so many others have. I just feel sad, alone, defeated and like it's truly hopeless. And worst of all, my poor sweet baby has a basketcase for a mama. Can ANYONE relate to feeling like they can't be saved? What should I do to change my heart so that I can desire a relationship with God and incorporate Him into my everyday life. So far, I'm walking alone and He's not involved in my every day. Thanks

 

[BeStill&Know]

Replace your words with His Words.

 

[God is good]

I am 35 years old, was raised in a Christian home and heard the Gospel all my life....but I've never believed I've been saved. I have struggled with this issue for as long as I can remember and it has caused me pure torment. I didn't even know until about 6 years ago that I even had OCD. Now I know what it is because it surfaces as many different themes. I've had every type of Pure O worry there is! I just had my first baby 4 months ago and I'm struggling now more than ever because I know I'm tasked with teaching him about God and leading him to Christ. I don't know how to do that when I myself don't believe I have salvation. It's as if OCD has kept me from being able to be saved--rather than making me doubt my salvation--I don't believe I've ever received it. In fact, I battle with myself because I feel like I've had so many aversions to God over the years--like it makes me uncomfortable talking about Him and I've turned from Him. So I'm trying to force myself not to reject Him. My parents and my husband think my struggle is all related to OCD. They think I'm saved. But I live in daily torment whenever I focus on this issue because I truly believe I'm not saved. I have never wanted ANYTHING in my life more than I want peace and to be changed so that I can have the relationship with Christ that so many others have. I just feel sad, alone, defeated and like it's truly hopeless. And worst of all, my poor sweet baby has a basketcase for a mama. Can ANYONE relate to feeling like they can't be saved? What should I do to change my heart so that I can desire a relationship with God and incorporate Him into my everyday life. So far, I'm walking alone and He's not involved in my every day. Thanks

I know exactly what you are going through and that I have the same issue. God is always with you and he will never leave you nor forsake you, I'll be praying for you, please pray for me too and let's focus on God's love and on Jesus.

 

[Noah03]

I am 35 years old, was raised in a Christian home and heard the Gospel all my life....but I've never believed I've been saved. I have struggled with this issue for as long as I can remember and it has caused me pure torment. I didn't even know until about 6 years ago that I even had OCD. Now I know what it is because it surfaces as many different themes. I've had every type of Pure O worry there is! I just had my first baby 4 months ago and I'm struggling now more than ever because I know I'm tasked with teaching him about God and leading him to Christ. I don't know how to do that when I myself don't believe I have salvation. It's as if OCD has kept me from being able to be saved--rather than making me doubt my salvation--I don't believe I've ever received it. In fact, I battle with myself because I feel like I've had so many aversions to God over the years--like it makes me uncomfortable talking about Him and I've turned from Him. So I'm trying to force myself not to reject Him. My parents and my husband think my struggle is all related to OCD. They think I'm saved. But I live in daily torment whenever I focus on this issue because I truly believe I'm not saved. I have never wanted ANYTHING in my life more than I want peace and to be changed so that I can have the relationship with Christ that so many others have. I just feel sad, alone, defeated and like it's truly hopeless. And worst of all, my poor sweet baby has a basketcase for a mama. Can ANYONE relate to feeling like they can't be saved? What should I do to change my heart so that I can desire a relationship with God and incorporate Him into my everyday life. So far, I'm walking alone and He's not involved in my every day. Thanks

It has been a while since I have been to the forum, I decided to look this morning and saw your message. I have struggled for years with these same questions. The problem with OCD is that your brain needs absolute certainty. But this is nearly impossible to achieve, there are always more doubts...it is never ending. Even if you come to a conclusion on one, there is going to be another to take it's place. It is an endless cycle. I struggle all the time with the thought that it is impossible for me to be saved (just this morning in fact). Salvation is for everyone else but me, I am different than others...God does not love me...I have sinned to much and am beyond salvation...etc...these thoughts are absolute lies. Do you think there is a power out there who wants o destroy your life? Well there is...Jesus talked about him, his name is satan. He is a liar, and a deceiver who wants nothing more than you to be destroyed. He goes about like a roaring lion seeking whom he may devour. He takes every opportunity to keep you in fear because he knows if you ever get an understanding of what you are in Jesus, he is ruined. Fear is his main weapon, you know this, you are in torment all the time because of it. This is NOT what Jesus wants for you!
I cannot even begin to describe the love Jesus has for you. YOU are the apple of his eye. When you look at your child, the love you have for your child cannot hold a candle to the love Jesus has for you. If you were the only one on the earth, Jesus would have come and died for you because He wants to spend all eternity with YOU! I know what's going through your mind right now...stop it!
Do you think Jesus does not know the struggles you have? He knows your struggles better than you do. But that does not change a thing. If fact the idea that you are struggling and still have the desire to know Him speakers volumes. Let's be very clear here. The fact that you want to know Him should tell you something. If you did not care you would not be concerned in the least about knowing Him. You for sure would not be on this site telling others you want to know Him.
We, as humans are completely flawed...sinners. It is an absolute 100% impossibility for us to save ourselves. THIS IS THE POINT JESUS CAME. What we all (people with OCD) are looking for is a feeling or emotion that we are saved. For some reason we equate a feeling or emotion with certainty. But the reality is Jesus CANNOT lie. If He says it, it is true. The scripture is very direct on how to be saved...period. Please read Romans 10:9-11 It is the truth. No matter what goes through your mind, God supersedes all of the thoughts. I want you to know you are not alone. I struggle with he same issues, so this goes for me as well. I am always looking for a feeling. Feelings change day to day (hour by hour actually). I suppose it is not a bad thing that He does not give me feelings all the time. How would that help? It would do the opposite of what He wants. I would be relying on my feelings rather than trusting in what He has said.
Look at the scrupulosity pages on www.netburst.net. They have been very helpful to me through the years. Please remember every time you look at your baby that Jesus loves you even more. Do not believe satans lies, God is out for you good and would never put fear in your mind. If a thought brings fear into your mind you can immediately know it is from the Evil one and dismiss it.

 

[God is good]

I am 35 years old, was raised in a Christian home and heard the Gospel all my life....but I've never believed I've been saved. I have struggled with this issue for as long as I can remember and it has caused me pure torment. I didn't even know until about 6 years ago that I even had OCD. Now I know what it is because it surfaces as many different themes. I've had every type of Pure O worry there is! I just had my first baby 4 months ago and I'm struggling now more than ever because I know I'm tasked with teaching him about God and leading him to Christ. I don't know how to do that when I myself don't believe I have salvation. It's as if OCD has kept me from being able to be saved--rather than making me doubt my salvation--I don't believe I've ever received it. In fact, I battle with myself because I feel like I've had so many aversions to God over the years--like it makes me uncomfortable talking about Him and I've turned from Him. So I'm trying to force myself not to reject Him. My parents and my husband think my struggle is all related to OCD. They think I'm saved. But I live in daily torment whenever I focus on this issue because I truly believe I'm not saved. I have never wanted ANYTHING in my life more than I want peace and to be changed so that I can have the relationship with Christ that so many others have. I just feel sad, alone, defeated and like it's truly hopeless. And worst of all, my poor sweet baby has a basketcase for a mama. Can ANYONE relate to feeling like they can't be saved? What should I do to change my heart so that I can desire a relationship with God and incorporate Him into my everyday life. So far, I'm walking alone and He's not involved in my every day. Thanks

I have the same problem where it feels like I can't get saved but remember it's Jesus who saves and he can save anybody. God bless