This post could go just as well under "OCD" as under "Struggles by Non-Christians."
When I first started hanging around Christians, several decades ago, one of them one time pointed out that I had a short attention span. While I think my ability to concentrate in general has improved since then, my spiritual attention span remains as short as ever.
I have just read a book called "Strivings Within - The OCD Christian," by Mitzi VanCleve. In it she says we should focus on Christ, his grace, his power, his sufficiency. While trying to follow that exhortation, today, for instance, I would start to try to focus on him, etc. But after like a second (or maybe less), my focus would be off Him again, and I would be thinking about something else, and/or just focusing on me. In fact, that's a picture of all my attempts to become/stay a Christian. One of the reasons I doubt my salvation sometimes is because I, a moment after trying to turn to Christ and surrender to Him, am right back to the way I was the second before I made the attempt to surrender. I'm right back to looking at myself, and/or thinking about something else.
One of the reasons I can doubt my salvation is because I may, maybe at a subconscious level, and/or at a conscious level, sometimes (at least) think, "If I could follow Christ for just a few minutes, then I would be saved. After that, I could relax and not worry about how good a job I am doing at following Him, because, after all, I would be saved." Then, I can shorten this to, if I can just follow Jesus for a few seconds, I would be saved, then I can relax. Then this can literally be shortened to, just a second or even a fraction of a second. I'm afraid that even if I'm not thinking this consciously, I'm thinking it subconsciously. Then, I figure, no one with a cynical attitude like that is going to be saved. I'm worried it amounts to mocking God. In II Timothy 3, I think, it lists the characteristics of people in the last days, and the list includes, "lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God," "lovers of their own selves," "having a form of Godliness but denying the power thereof," and "mockers of God."
Another factor in my problem is my OCD. Christians with OCD can repeatedly doubt their salvation, and repeatedly try to get saved. That has been the way I am for over ten years. Yesterday, when at one point I (thought I) gave my life to Christ, I told myself, 'it's time to stop doubting your salvation. The doubt comes from your OCD." I've told myself this before. But this morning, when repeatedly working on obeying Mitzi's exhortation, and repeatedly going off focus on Jesus after a second or something, I again have reason to question my salvation. She says focus on Jesus, his grace, his power, his sufficiency. I even ask Him, "help me to focus," And I start to focus. But the focusing only lasts for, as I said, a second, plus or minus.
OCDers, and people in general, can have the problem of focusing on themselves instead of focusing on Christ. OCDers discover a problem with themselves, and ruminate about it excessively, as Mitzi points out in her book. So, i can realize I focus on me instead of Jesus, realize this is a fault of mine, and ruminate about it. After several attempts at focusing on Jesus, and finding those sincere attempts only last for, say, a second at a time, I have the tendency to give up. And maybe go and post something on this forum.
When I first started hanging around Christians, several decades ago, one of them one time pointed out that I had a short attention span. While I think my ability to concentrate in general has improved since then, my spiritual attention span remains as short as ever.
I have just read a book called "Strivings Within - The OCD Christian," by Mitzi VanCleve. In it she says we should focus on Christ, his grace, his power, his sufficiency. While trying to follow that exhortation, today, for instance, I would start to try to focus on him, etc. But after like a second (or maybe less), my focus would be off Him again, and I would be thinking about something else, and/or just focusing on me. In fact, that's a picture of all my attempts to become/stay a Christian. One of the reasons I doubt my salvation sometimes is because I, a moment after trying to turn to Christ and surrender to Him, am right back to the way I was the second before I made the attempt to surrender. I'm right back to looking at myself, and/or thinking about something else.
One of the reasons I can doubt my salvation is because I may, maybe at a subconscious level, and/or at a conscious level, sometimes (at least) think, "If I could follow Christ for just a few minutes, then I would be saved. After that, I could relax and not worry about how good a job I am doing at following Him, because, after all, I would be saved." Then, I can shorten this to, if I can just follow Jesus for a few seconds, I would be saved, then I can relax. Then this can literally be shortened to, just a second or even a fraction of a second. I'm afraid that even if I'm not thinking this consciously, I'm thinking it subconsciously. Then, I figure, no one with a cynical attitude like that is going to be saved. I'm worried it amounts to mocking God. In II Timothy 3, I think, it lists the characteristics of people in the last days, and the list includes, "lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God," "lovers of their own selves," "having a form of Godliness but denying the power thereof," and "mockers of God."
Another factor in my problem is my OCD. Christians with OCD can repeatedly doubt their salvation, and repeatedly try to get saved. That has been the way I am for over ten years. Yesterday, when at one point I (thought I) gave my life to Christ, I told myself, 'it's time to stop doubting your salvation. The doubt comes from your OCD." I've told myself this before. But this morning, when repeatedly working on obeying Mitzi's exhortation, and repeatedly going off focus on Jesus after a second or something, I again have reason to question my salvation. She says focus on Jesus, his grace, his power, his sufficiency. I even ask Him, "help me to focus," And I start to focus. But the focusing only lasts for, as I said, a second, plus or minus.
OCDers, and people in general, can have the problem of focusing on themselves instead of focusing on Christ. OCDers discover a problem with themselves, and ruminate about it excessively, as Mitzi points out in her book. So, i can realize I focus on me instead of Jesus, realize this is a fault of mine, and ruminate about it. After several attempts at focusing on Jesus, and finding those sincere attempts only last for, say, a second at a time, I have the tendency to give up. And maybe go and post something on this forum.
