Flashbacks

[NoddaProbBob]

yea...I'm having flashbacks...
The most recent one, being the time I had my face slammed into a marble floor.
well, I remember I went to the mall with my mom, my brother and little sister. My dad doesn't like going to the mall, so he didnt come with us. But I remember that I went off someplace, and my brother followed me while my sister stayed with my mom. So w/e. I went and looked around at someplaces, but then when my brother wanted me to wait and look at something with him, I waited for a little bit, and then I was just gettin sick of staying there waiting for no reason, so I said I was leaving. I didn't even get too far away from him when all I can remember is getting shoved and falling on the marble floor. He stood over me and said, I told you to wait you *******, *****. He walked away from me, and I got up and was crying. and it was so embarassing and humiliating with all the people looking at me and talking with one another about what they just saw.
It was one of the worst things he did to me.
And now that I feel like I'm reliving it, it hurts almost as worse as when it first happened.
So as a result of that, I'm back to steady frequent cutting.
I feel so empty and shallow, and numb. And no one understands or cares.
I cant even express what is going on with me. Im reliving it and I can't do it again...

 

[Akathist]

The thing about flashbacks is that often you feel that you are back in the past and in the event.

I recommend when you start one you try really hard to look around and notice the room you are really in, the wall colors, the color of the clothes you have and try really hard to focus on the here and now.

Interrupting flashbacks using this idea might reduce their frequency.

However, I also feel that you need to tell your counselor about the flashbacks. If you are not in counseling, now would be the time to start again.

 

[restore]

Do u have some closer friends who can support u when flashbacks come? keep posting

and for me personal, i tend to fight those horrible flashbacks by watching some related movies. but i m much elder than u and v strong minded.
I v told a friend to deal with by watching movies too, she could not do that. so i guess each has different ways .
but believe me, God can offer different ways for different people
keep on praying.

P.S, u can pm me, i m here for u.

 

[Alcamo]

Bob,

I’m no professional and I don’t know any more than you’ve shared in this post, but it sounds like you are going through something fairly typical. When we experience dominating abuse as a child, we feel powerless to stand up to the abuser(s). We can then begin to hate ourselves for having been too “weak” (a lie), and cutting can be a subconscious way of expressing that self-hatred by harming ourselves, which in turn provides a sense of emotional release. Only you can say whether or not this rings true for you. Xenia Rose is right, you do need to seek healthy counseling if you haven’t already.

 

[BelindaP]

Flashbacks and nightmares are the worse part about the abuse, in my opinion. They are also a sign that you may have post-traumatic stress disorder. It is unpleasant, but highly treatable. Counseling really helps.

You will find that as you heal, they become less frequent, although I'm not sure they ever go away completely.

I agree with the previous posts that finding some way to interrupt them is a good strategy. Of course, I know it's not easy to do, because you temporarily lose the present when you're in the middle of one. When it's over try to find a way to vent all of the emotional energy without turning it inward and hurting yourself. Perhaps you could find a surrogate (such as a large doll or something) to cut on instead of yourself. If you have an ax, chopping wood really helps.

I hope you get to feeling a little bit better. Don't forget, God loves you.

 

[NoddaProbBob]

I give up.....

 

[restore]

Never give up dear sis
u just need love, some warm friends, try to find some to chat u on phone.
hugs

 

[tapero]

I give up.....

What's going on NoddaProbBob?

 

[Bamboo_Chicken]

JJ, are you ok? What's going on?

 

[NoddaProbBob]

I just can't keep doing this to myself.
I feel cold and empty. And other than this forum and God I have no one. Im sick of feeling seperated from the world because of this. I feel like I have a label. I try to explain my feelings and I end up feeling like Im stuck back in a cycle. Fright, Anger, frustration, stress, depression, blame. Im stuck in it, and Im just sick of it. Im sick of my whole life. Feeling numb over something I can't control. Feelings I can't help. Im so numb that I can't even cry about this anymore. I want to so bad. I almost always feel better after I cry. and honestly, I feel screwed up. I am never going to be the same and I can't get over that. I hate who I am. I hate it. I'm just worn out with myself and this situation. Im just sick of fighting a losing battle...Im just worn out...

 

[rikkitikkitavi]

In the past, I have on occasion burnt myself with a lighter when I felt very overwhelmed with anger. It was like the frustration needed an outlet and since I was angry with myself that's where I directed it. This was before I learned to give it to God. I know this is hard, since we have learned a hard lesson in life. We learned that sometimes trusting gets us hurt. But God will never hurt us. We are very special to Him and He wants to take away that hurt and replace it with peace and joy. Don't blame yourself. It isn't your fault. Give it to God and let the healing begin.

 

[NoddaProbBob]

Thanks for all the support everyone...
and rikkitikkitavi I know I shouldn't blame myself, but its almost like human nature (well is sorta) for me to place blame on myself, and its true. if I would have said something then none of this would be happening now. All the family problems we have now, they wouldn't be happening if I would have just taken a second to say something....

I'm doing it again....sorry.

but anyways

thanks again

J.j.