Fitting in socially as a divorced christian

[5kidmom]

I don't post a lot, but I do read a lot here, so first off, thansk for all I glean by just doing that .

I have a question, as an almost divorcee (it goes through in a few weeks/months), do you find it awkward in social situations with other christians? I think a lot of what I'm feeling is me projecting my own insecurities about my situation, but still it feels like trying to be a square peg in a round hole, if that makes sense.

So many Christian social functions through church, and my kids christian school, seem to be family/couple based. The singles are college age, not anywhere near my age . I just feel as a divorced mom of 5 small kids at 38, I really don't fit. I am especially sensitive as it almost feels like "people" think you're out to pick up someone's husband. I know that sounds nuts, but it feels awkward, talking to other parents/dads, when their dad is not around now. Or judgement happens, because you're divorced. I don't feel like going into the spiel each time, and most know anyway (he left, church disciplined followed, so it's "known" in our circles).

I know divorce hits you at every level (emotional, spiritual, physical, financial, etc), and perhaps struggling with all 4 of those simultaneously, causes a lot of my insecurity right now. Even when it's just the "girls", I just don't relate. My divorce has been rough financially, and I have a dramatic income decrease, so when people talk about vacations, remodelling, etc, I'm not relating. I really don't feel too jealous (I do have a twinge of it, I will admit), but I really am happier materially now, not living under the stress of my marriage. Having less, for me has been a blessing. But still, when you're struggling to do groceries sometimes, it's hard to relate to others.

It's not always like this, and each month get incrementally better. I know what the bible says, and hold onto those promises ( ie - I know the plans I have for you....; I have known what it to have plenty, and known what it is to have little, and I have learned to be content in whatever situation; etc - I'm really bad remembering scripture references, but remember verses)...


And another question, when the divorce has gone through. How do you distance yourself from your ex, be polite, but move from a we to me. He still acts sometimes like we're married, but it's a family "fix" and then he's back to the single life. I have to interact because of the kids, but how do you become "unmarried" emotionally? I don't want to ever go back to how it was, I've grown, got right with the Lord, moved on, and don't feel I could live like that again. But, even if 10 percent was good, it was still good at times. He has zero desire for reconcilation. So, how do you pray for him in this situation? Just to get right with God? There are are some physical concerns, irregardless of wants, towards reconcilation (he has suggested he has picked up an STD), so I wouldn't reconcile if I wanted to.

At what point do you let go? How long does it take? We separated 18 months ago, and it still hurts like crazy (married 17 years).

Sorry for the rambling nature, just wanted to kind of vent it out. THanks !

 

[TammyRae]

Am so sorry to read of your situation, this last year and a half must have been agony for you :-( I know you said that you've grown spiritually through this, but I hope you are also taking care of yourself physically, too.... getting enough sleep, eating healthy, taking vitamins, getting exercise? I have been going through something similar and it really took its toll on my health :-(

After 6 months, I never thought that my husband and I could reconcile at all and was essentially giving up and going my own way.... emotionally distancing on purpose but staying neutral and civil to him, making a minor social life without him, joining a new church, began a weekly Bible study, joined an exercise dance class, etc... this started making me feeling "unmarried" from him emotionally. This seemed to throw him off balance that I was moving on without him. I don't know if that made a difference in his all of a sudden deciding he wanted to come back and get counseling together, but either way it was healthier for me to do all that anyways.


The only other things I could suggest are either see a counselor for a bit to get yourself centered again or at least read through some divorce support self-help books that give you tools and strategies to get through this emotionally.

I wish I could give you hugs and real support, my heart is breaking for you...

But I'll be praying for you that your hurting ends soon and you find joy and peace in your new life in front of you, whatever it holds...

God Bless you and your children

 

[iambren]

Post divorce 14 years with kids I understand your struggles. I'm finding the more distance I put between ex and myself the angrier she becomes (go figure).

Socially? You are right, it is hard to navigate the waters, you have to work at it more. There are sometimes cell groups/support groups out there for Christian divorced people. I was in one and it was very ministering to have that constant haven to look forward to. But you have to ask around to find one.

May God heal your heart, protect your children, and guide your path.

 

[peacechild4]

I feel for you.. with so many young children and the whole thing sucks I just have to say that.... teaches you a whole new way of life and it is very painful.. I had no idea what people go through in this situation.. so now I view everything and everyone differently.. so glad you know GOD..

It is hard to know how to pray for them our husbands or wives isn't it.. I pray salvation mostly.. because he is still an unbeliever.. it changes as I move further on in this path called life sometimes all I can say is just his name.. GOD knows.. every day comes with its own challenges.. but I see myself losing him.. only way to explain it.. a little every day.. but thats ok.. easier futher down the track.. we need to heal.. and time helps.. I am still getting counselling.. but helping.. it is amazing what surfaces in our talks..

I have to work on him seeing children because he doesn't organise it and I know kids need to see him.. and for me.. I keep letting him know how they are.. it is how I operate.. umm.. I just see him when its to deal with the kids and still learning about how best to do that.. it can be a long week between sightings..

I used to pine it alot every day all through the day.. but too painful.. you all here are my sounding board right now.. I do not speak to anyone else going through this in the world around me which sucks because it would help.. but I have you all here.. and I too learn from reading.. thank you for posting.. and sharing what you have.. we all need each other..and sometimes it is just trial and error as to what works best..

My hurt is waning.. If I think about it.. all comes easily to the surface but I am more able to function these days.. not crying like I was.. hardly at all now.. praise GOD.. maybe it is the prayers of friends and family.. but it is also speaking about it.. though it makes me appear weak I think and others sometimes uncomfortable.. but I cannot deal with it any other way.. only a few at my church have spoken personally to me and even know from me about.. that is sad.. cause I know a few there who have been through the same.. I know one thing.. I will not go through this and keep quiet and keep it to myself.. I intend to help others through this.. just too hard to do it alone without support..

All through this marriage.. alot of it.. I have had trouble around the 'happy families'... I don't know the answer to that one..

 

[iambren]

"It is hard to know how to pray for them our husbands or wives isn't it.. I pray salvation mostly"

YES, this is so true. One night I was praying and said "Lord, restore my marriage" and a breath later I said "Lord make my love die for her". Total contradiction; I felt embarrassed before God and apologized. Ultimately, the way we view our ex affects us socially. We have to empty out the past to make room for the new--that process can be painful and confusing!

 

[peacechild4]

"It is hard to know how to pray for them our husbands or wives isn't it.. I pray salvation mostly"

YES, this is so true. One night I was praying and said "Lord, restore my marriage" and a breath later I said "Lord make my love die for her". Total contradiction; I felt embarrassed before God and apologized. Ultimately, the way we view our ex affects us socially. We have to empty out the past to make room for the new--that process can be painful and confusing!

"Lord make my love die for her".

I had to pray that sort of prayer too.. over my husband..

 

[iambren]

You know how screwed up divorce is when you prayer is to love LESS. I mean, God is love and wants us to love others but divorce stands everything on it's head.

 

[bella46]

I know exactly how you feel about socially not fitting in. I feel the same way.My children are grown now but was a single mom and divorced for 19 years. Although we were involoved in our church I always felt like I was on the outside looking in. I lived in a small town and there were no christian singles or christian single parent groups. After my youngest left the nest it was very difficult but I finaly found a church (I moved to a metropolitan area) with a single group I got involved grew in my walk with the Lord and finally felt I belonged. Well fast forward 5 years. I met a man at this bible study ended up getting married and now he has chose to leave the marriage after cheating with an ex "christian" girlfriend. So here I am again. this time not single, no divorced but married but without a husband. Because I am not "legally" single or "legally divorced" the church I affiliated with will not allow me to participate with their singles ministry or with their divorce support ministry. It is terrible to feel shuned by the Church. I can go to womens bible fellowship but I just dont fit in with these women. So no, I dont think you are projecting your insecurities. Although I dont believe anyone intentionally wishes to shun a fellow believer it just happens.

 

[peacechild4]

Oh dear thats just plain evil.. they have no idea how they are piling extra hurt on you.. I am so sorry... I bet you could easily start something for people like us.. I know the feeling of not feeling like I belong..

 

[23rdbk5417]

I know exactly how you feel about socially not fitting in. I feel the same way.My children are grown now but was a single mom and divorced for 19 years. Although we were involoved in our church I always felt like I was on the outside looking in. I lived in a small town and there were no christian singles or christian single parent groups. After my youngest left the nest it was very difficult but I finaly found a church (I moved to a metropolitan area) with a single group I got involved grew in my walk with the Lord and finally felt I belonged. Well fast forward 5 years. I met a man at this bible study ended up getting married and now he has chose to leave the marriage after cheating with an ex "christian" girlfriend. So here I am again. this time not single, no divorced but married but without a husband. Because I am not "legally" single or "legally divorced" the church I affiliated with will not allow me to participate with their singles ministry or with their divorce support ministry. It is terrible to feel shuned by the Church. I can go to womens bible fellowship but I just dont fit in with these women. So no, I dont think you are projecting your insecurities. Although I dont believe anyone intentionally wishes to shun a fellow believer it just happens.

Finally someone who knows what "limbo" really feels like. Here I am again, seperated, he filed for a divorce, still no divorce papers. I fought LONG and HARD for my husband and the "letting go" is the hardest thing I am walking though. My faith in God and all the biblical truths I knew that I knew, have ALL been shaken. My first marriage I really didn't love him. He helped in the existence of my three children who hold my heartbeats, so for that no regrets. But, husband #2, I fought in prayer, fasting, standing on scripture, declaring Gods promises. And its been nine months since he walked out. I have no children with him, so he has no reason to return. He is my first love. I am his third wife. He is sleeping around and hasn't talked to me physically since maybe April? Last text was early June. I am in limbo and it SUCKS SO BAD. The loneliness just makes me feel unwanted. And who would want a almost 40 with three carry on luggage?

 

[peacechild4]

Finally someone who knows what "limbo" really feels like. Here I am again, seperated, he filed for a divorce, still no divorce papers. I fought LONG and HARD for my husband and the "letting go" is the hardest thing I am walking though. My faith in God and all the biblical truths I knew that I knew, have ALL been shaken. My first marriage I really didn't love him. He helped in the existence of my three children who hold my heartbeats, so for that no regrets. But, husband #2, I fought in prayer, fasting, standing on scripture, declaring Gods promises. And its been nine months since he walked out. I have no children with him, so he has no reason to return. He is my first love. I am his third wife. He is sleeping around and hasn't talked to me physically since maybe April? Last text was early June. I am in limbo and it SUCKS SO BAD. The loneliness just makes me feel unwanted. And who would want a almost 40 with three carry on luggage?

Its hard when you stand for it.. praying for a long time.. and you feel lonely and unwanted.. I am so sorry for your hurt.. it does shake you to the very core.. aww.. I have to believe that there are people out there who want us with our luggage and all.. despite our ages and past..

We cannot make someone love us.. and it seems GOD does not turn them around either without it coming from them.. they do not know what they are doing.. FATHER GOD forgive them.. and help this precious precious dear sister to heal and find hope for her future.. amen

 

[23rdbk5417]

Thank you for praying, so nice to know that even though I know reality I am not alone in this very hard journey. Reading this thread is healing. : )

 

[5kidmom]

It is hard, I'm 20 months into this , and the loneliness still is brutal. I feel like I've just started to heal, but it feels like it will take a LONG time. I'm 38 with 5 extras, so I beleive that I will most likely finish my journey alone. Also, I don't ever imagine completely being over the hurt, or if over it, opening up and trusting again. My pastor said this is the hardest part, becoming two after you've become one...it's not how God designed it. Even though, one partner desires it, it doesn't just shut off right away.

Sometimes I think I'm doing so well, but then something happens, either intentionally or innocently, and it rips the scab open and the pain rushes to the surface. THis is starting to happen less, but I'm starting to think of this like a literal wound, eventually it will heal, but I will always bear the scar. I assume it's the same for all divorced folk.

I still feel keenly at times, like you don't fit. I'm trying to stop projecting what I think people are thinking of me as the "divorced one", most times it's probably in my head. Most times, it's just that people function as a couple at a lot of functions.

But, I try to keep hope and turn to prayer first when I feel those thoughts or feelings come on. I'm not always best at this, but am trying. Also, really trying to focus on others, and not my own pain. My inclination is to turn inward, but I think the opposite is what I need to do.

 

[23rdbk5417]

Let me first off say to you 5kidmom, that I think your the coolest kid in class! Five kids= five times the blessing/struggle. I don't know how old your oldest is but have you noticed the "oldest siblin" role taking on a supportive/protective stance of their mom? My oldest is not to far away from being a teen and I notice how compassionate he has begun to be in the midst of me hurting and trying to move forward regardless of the pain. We as women in general do not pat ourselves on the back for near enough. Andas Godly women, really we want the glory to go to the Lord.
A mother of five beautiful children is a gift beyond comprehension. Yes, the death of all our relationships are going to be a process off letting go and letting God be first and foremost in or lives. I am struggling so badly with giving Christ my first everything in my life. Yet what we fail to remember is that when Christ said "it is finished" that He gave to us already the power to be healed and standing strong in any area of our lives. We have more Victory in Christ than we are willing to give God all Praise abcs honor for. I struggle so badly with running to Christ blabbing my lips full of complaints and injustices. When scripture says REJOICE IN THE LORD ALWAYS, AGAIN!!!! I SAY REJOICE! No I walk in and sound exactly like my children whining about who did what to me.
(Do know I am so looking in the mirror speaking to myself.) Five kids are going to find this loving mommy who wants and believe's the best for each and everyone of them everyday. I know I hate being alone. I hate being divorce/or in the process of...I want the holding hands on the porch looking at the grandpa next to me who will continue to love his bride forever. God is the one who looks at is and declare's over us that we are "Strong Enough!" Isaiah 54:17

 

[23rdbk5417]

Plz forgive me, my only internet is on my phone so texting really these replies it gets sloppy. Regardless I am a big fan of Mom of Five. And I know your fallout fait family is too.

 

[5kidmom]

THanks for the kind words . Honestly, I don't know how people get through this without Christ, we are so blessed to be his.

 

[23rdbk5417]

Honestly I think we as believers go through all the same emotional roller coasters as any non believer. Yet we should no better right? Greater is He within me than he who is in the world. Easier said than trusting sometimes. Sometimes I think the battle is harder for a believer who knows what to do/how to trust/what to believe. Cause than the enemy works doubly hard to attack our faith and hope, because GREATER is He within us, than he who is in the world!!! Thank you Lord for being unconditionally faithful to us despite how sinful we are. Thank you for your unconditional love.

 

[5kidmom]

I believe we go through the same struggles, of course. What I mean is, without my faith I just don't know how I would make it through this.

 

[23rdbk5417]

Yes, I agree. I knew that is what you meant. I guess I was just expounding on the comment. Faith is a interesting creature. I thought before I got seperated that I had strong faith. God however has shaken every aspect of my faith. Almost like I am right back at Christian infancy. I can tell by your heart being exposed that your faith is strong.

 

[23rdbk5417]

How are you doing 5kidmom?