finding it hard to trust

[kicker]

I was hoping someone could help me out. I have been struggling with this stuff for years. I have been overtaken lately with a feeling of unbelief towards everything I've always held to biblically. I have always struggled with my salvation even though everyone around me believes I'm a christian without a doubt (they swear they see it in my life even though I have a hard time seeing it). I know I have read where some of you doubt a lot but have you ever felt like you didn't believe anymore even though you wanted to very badly. I have also lost all my desire to want to do anything for christ and it scares me that I don't have that will inside of me that I used to have (at least I think I did). Please let me know if this is part of this or am I just being blinded by satan to not be able to believe unto salvation. I have always had a hard time with head knowledge and heart knowledge. I just don't feel like I have trusted enough for christ to save me and I don't know how to trust and noy worry about it. I feel absolutely miserable right now. I have asked him to save me so many times but I just can't get it down into my emotions it seems. Oh well I had better go. Please help if you can. Thanks.

 

[Lisa0315]

I was hoping someone could help me out. I have been struggling with this stuff for years. I have been overtaken lately with a feeling of unbelief towards everything I've always held to biblically. I have always struggled with my salvation even though everyone around me believes I'm a christian without a doubt (they swear they see it in my life even though I have a hard time seeing it). I know I have read where some of you doubt a lot but have you ever felt like you didn't believe anymore even though you wanted to very badly. I have also lost all my desire to want to do anything for christ and it scares me that I don't have that will inside of me that I used to have (at least I think I did). Please let me know if this is part of this or am I just being blinded by satan to not be able to believe unto salvation. I have always had a hard time with head knowledge and heart knowledge. I just don't feel like I have trusted enough for christ to save me and I don't know how to trust and noy worry about it. I feel absolutely miserable right now. I have asked him to save me so many times but I just can't get it down into my emotions it seems. Oh well I had better go. Please help if you can. Thanks.

Well, you are not alone but I haven't reached a stage where I can tell the difference yet either. There are some good folks here though that will probably talk you through it. I am just having a really bad few days but I want to encourage you to go through the motions even if you feel nothing or feel weird about it.

Lisa

 

[picassoui]

and i might have been where you are im in a worse condition now but i can relate to a great deal of what you said i think ..

i dont know what to say but if God is the God we have always been taught of then he understands the intent of our heart ,,, even when we dont know it ..

one thing is for sure the intent of our heart always bears fruit .. If you can just hold on to the promises that God has made in his word to you even if you feel the opposite trust him and just keep goin i believe you will find peace ..

andy

 

[silverlining*]

I think the only reason you're finding it hard to "want to do anything for Christ" is that you're obviously going through a really tough time, so it's hard to be positive or aspire to much at the moment. I've felt the same way when I've been struggling with stuff, but it does get better. And yes, being scared you don't believe any of it anymore can definitely be OCD related. I think that's all it is - that you're scared you don't - and that you know really that you are a Christian.
Remember, faith isn't about emotions or what you feel. The fact that you posted this shows that you're desperately searching for God - you do have salvation.

 

[BeccaLynn]

I think I can identify with every single thing you said. I struggle with knowing the difference between head and heart knowledge a lot. In my life, it's lilke no matter how hard I tried to believe, pray (and I have prayed to be saved an unreal amount of times), make my feelings line up with God's word, etc., that I've felt this inner wall between God and me. Scripture and sermons would seemingly jump out at me with their message confirming in my mind that I was different than other people and that I really was a wolf in sheep's clothing. I always felt that I really hadn't put my faith in Jesus and that my heart was hardened toward Him. I've cried and begged for the biggest part of my life for Jesus to be real to me, to save me, and to help me to know that I know that I am His. I am doing so much better, but I must confess that I'm just having now to live with the uncertain feelings and take God at His word. He says that if I confess with my mouth and believe in my heart, then I will be saved. As I've said to someone recently, I can then start being scared that I've not truly believed in my heart but only spoken it with my mouth. But God does understand, and His thoughts are above my thoughts. I know how very difficult it is, but I've decided that in my struggles, He can use me to help others going through it. I understand as well about not feeling the desire, and the times that I had seemed to, looking back and wondering if it was really a desire or me just being emotional at the time. I can disect every intention I have until I'm so confused and I've gotten my emotions in such a tangled mess. But, I can't function like that, so I've decided it's not God. If the thoughts are keeping me from living life, then it can't be for my good. A website that a couple of people have posted is something that has helped me. If you've not looked at it, I would greatly encourage you to do so. It is http://net-burst.net/guilty/scrupulosity.htm. I know what you're going through and I can't say that I'm glad I do know all too well, but those of us who deal with this can be an encouragement to one another.

Rebecca

 

[ObsessedButBlessed]

Like Becca, this obsession with not feeling like you believe was my first taste of religious-related obsessions. Perhaps the only difference is that prior to my obsessions, I never really had any doubts over whether or not I was saved/a Christian and believer. However, I do remember fighting with this feeling of unbelief. It almost felt like there was an emotional wall between myself and my ability to believe. And I wanted to FEEL like I believed so badly!

But do you see the error in processing here? We OCD sufferers tend to believe that feelings = fact. If I feel something, it must be true. It's called "thought-action fusion." Essentially, our emotional section of our brain is misfiring and leading us to believe that if we think/feel something, it's the same as acting on something. You will see this notion as common among people with harm obsessions. Such as, if I thought about harming my dog, it's as bad as actually committing the act itself. I feel like I could do it, I feel like I could be a serial killer, etc.

In the same way, when our OCD focuses on our salvation or our ability to believe, we start to feel as though these fears are true. I remember very distinctly - when these obsessions first started - feeling like a hand had reached in to my brain and literally taken away every single thing I once believed in. I absolutely 100% FELT like I did not believe in God anymore, and I was becoming an athiest. I understand your fear and pain through this.

Those obsessions lost their power eventually (unfortunately to be replaced by another obsession), but it did feel real. Now I look back and think "why was I ever so afraid?" Because they felt very real indeed.

 

[kicker]

I appreciate the responses to my posts. They have been encouraging with what I'm going through right now. It is helpful to know your not the only one suffering. This is especially difficult for me because I am a fundamental baptist and there are not a lot of baptist who like to discuss such things. Another thing that makes it very difficult for me is that I (get ready for this) am the pastor of the church where I have spent practically all of my life. Imagine having to preach three times a week in this condition. Keep me in your prayers. When I was in christian school I had to read pilgrims progress on a couple of occasions and I think it is interesting that next to the Bible it is the most read and top selling book of all time. I guess ocd can do some good things. Once again thanks for the kind responses.

 

[gracealone]

Read your posts - and yes OCD can and usually does rob us of feeling like we are really saved. I used to always wonder if I had believed good enough. I was always "checking my feelings", or as Marcb, OCD forum contributer put it, "checking to try and be certain that my faith was locked." This checking behavior is part and parcel of the compulsive side of OCD. But the checking only leads to more obsessing and more obsessing leads to more checking. The only way to throw a wrench into the gears of the OCD machine is to stop doing the checking and just let the obsessive thought lie there unattended.
A long time ago I wrote a post titled the "Volitional Faith of the OCD Chrisitan" which speaks about this issue. For me the only way I've been able to move ahead in my Christian walk with OCD is to just accept the feelings of uncertainty while excercising my volitional will to choose to follow Christ to the best of my ability. CS Lewis once wrote that, "obedience is the key to all doors" and I hold fast to that. We can always choose to act in faith even if our feelings won't emotionally validate our faith.
Which do you think is more pleasing to God - Obedience to Him without the good emotional feelings, or obedience to Him only when the good emotional feelings provide the prompting?
"Though He slay me - yet will I trust Him." I doubt very seriously that Job had any kind of emotional validation to spur him on to making this choice. He made the choice when every shred of evidence that God cared for him seemed to be entirely removed.

Far more encouraging to me than Pilgrims Progress is Bunyan's book - "Grace abounding to the Chief of Sinners". If you haven't already read it please do so - it will bless you immensely. In the end you will see as I did that the secret to Bunyan's fruitfulness lay solely in his choice to follow and serve Christ even with the continual presence and oppression of his OCD thoughts. The man preached sermons while being assailed with blasphemous OCD thoughts! I'm still thanking God for his servant John Bunyan and for his willingness to share so transparently about his struggles with OCD even though he didn't know that's what it was.
I am praying for you and I thank God for your willingness to keep on serving Him in your role as Pastor. This affliction is purposeful. God will use it in your life to accomplish His will. This was Paul's experience - "But He said to me- "My grace is sufficient for you - my strength is made perfect in your weakness."
I'm so thankful that it's God's grace and God's strength that is sufficient and not mine.
Keep on walking.
Mitzi

I appreciate the responses to my posts. They have been encouraging with what I'm going through right now. It is helpful to know your not the only one suffering. This is especially difficult for me because I am a fundamental baptist and there are not a lot of baptist who like to discuss such things. Another thing that makes it very difficult for me is that I (get ready for this) am the pastor of the church where I have spent practically all of my life. Imagine having to preach three times a week in this condition. Keep me in your prayers. When I was in christian school I had to read pilgrims progress on a couple of occasions and I think it is interesting that next to the Bible it is the most read and top selling book of all time. I guess ocd can do some good things. Once again thanks for the kind responses.

 

[kicker]

I was wondering if any of you ever talked by phone or strictly by posting. I'm not real good at putting things on paper and was just wondering if you ever communicated any other way.

Thanks
James

 

[Lisa0315]

I was wondering if any of you ever talked by phone or strictly by posting. I'm not real good at putting things on paper and was just wondering if you ever communicated any other way.

Thanks
James

I have talked to one person on the phone from CF, but that was a crisis type situation. I am not much of a phone person.

 

[PilgrimsProgress]

One thing I know is that these struggles are beginning to produce in me a compassion (thank you Jesus!) for others that I honestly do not know if I would have had otherwise ... I agree with you Kicker, it is so hard for me to put things down on paper, or in writing, also... these things are so real and the last thing I want to do is to say platitudes, things any one of us have heard over and over again, because to me, when I was in the worst of my worst times, these things I heard from people, things that they were saying to help me, just made me feel worse... of course that was never the intent of anyone, but knowing this just makes me want to be extra careful to never trivialize what anyone is going through.... I know you have heard this before, but remember, His grace is sufficient for you.... keep pressing on... you are definitely not the only one suffering... I think the enemy wants to make you feel like you are a phony, maybe especially because you are a pastor, I don't know .. I know what you mean about feeling like you don't want to do anything for Christ anymore.... when our joy is being robbed by this stuff, it is hard to feel that abundance of joy and relationship that should be the source of our service... I totally understand... funny how you said that thing about Pilgrims Progress, that is why I chose that screen name, I didn't finish reading the book, but I read most of Grace Abounding to the Chiefest of Sinners by Bunyan, a few years ago, and I remember that giving me hope that the Lord could maybe one day use these trials that I went through for His good.... Lord bless you and please keep pressing on and seeking His face ... Laura