Finding it difficult to let go & move on

[UncleDave]

I first came on here about 3 years ago, after my dear wife passed away. I have a wonderful son who is an absolute joy, but still I'm feeling lonely. I have passed the stage where I'm lonely because of loss; now it's a different kind of lonely.

Whenever I see couples -- young or old -- doing things together, I feel like that will never be me again. I see myself as undesirable to a woman my own age (or anyone, for that matter).

I feel weighed down by "baggage." I find it hard to believe that anyone would accept me along with all the baggage.

In some ways, I think I'm actually afraid of the changes that would come along with an intimate relationship at this stage of my life. Some things that I wonder about:

• How would it affect my son? Would he accept a new mother figure in his life? Would she love him as her own?
• My wife is still a huge part of our life. We have videos, and pictures of her; what to do with them? We don't want to hide them. I want to remember her and be respectful of her memory and our lives that we shared together, but I also want to be respectful of any new relationships and not scare them off;
• We are still close with her family and many of her old friends. I'm sure that they would be happy to see me move on, but I can't help but think there would be some uneasiness. Maybe I worry about that too much;
• I haven't dated in about a dozen years. I'm not the young, svelte lad I used to be. Hair has thinned, weight has increased, etc. Not exactly the model image of attraction;
• I know it's not right to compare potential mates with my deceased love, but certainly there would be some subconscious comparison happening. I know it will be difficult to suppress. How can I be fair to everyone?

I know I'm not the only person feeling this way, but I sure do feel alone. I really need some way to boost my confidence so I can just go out and meet people without worrying about being judged or scrutinized, and just be free, to be myself.

Sorry for ranting...

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

Well it's been 5 years for me this year that my husband passed away. Although I don't rule out having a relationship again it just doesn't appear to be happening. I feel the same as you. For me, I too still love my husband. I still kinda feel married. I recently joined a singles group at church only to find out I hate being classified as a "single"! I don't mind BEING single, it's the classification I have an issue with. I also don't want to put away my husbands pictures etc. I have 2 sons, 16 and 12. I feel almost as though no one could possibly understand how I feel except maybe a widower. I think I am scared of getting into a relationship. I know the sex aspect alone has me worried. Of course I am not a virgin, but I still don't want to have sex with someone that is not my husband. Alot of men, don't agree with that, but that's how I feel, so I would need to find someone that thought the same on that level too. Kinda narrows the playing field even more.

 

[singingwife]

Gotta agree with you, Michelle. I too find that fewer and fewer people who've been married seem to think that abstinence post-marriage is, well, it's like it doesn't matter anymore. I found waiting to be worth it the first time, why wouldn't it be the second time? And yeah, when it comes to thinking of dating/remarriage, I too think probably only a widower could really accept/understand my grief.
I'm with you on that, Dave; I still am part of my in-law family, and don't plan to change that. And even though I don't have kids, I wonder, could I be a good stepmother if I found myself considering a man who has children?
I guess God will give me what I need if this is His plan for me. But for now, I'm content by myself. I also don't like calling myself "single", though "widow" is all right.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

I'm content in my being single, but I loathe to be classified as single or widow. Both at my age, in my perception only, make me think of old and spinster and I am neither of those either.

 

[CFDavid]

Blessings for each of you. Being lonely in any way is a challenge.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

Blessings for each of you. Being lonely in any way is a challenge.

Thank you so much!

 

[Aileen]

Hi Dave,

I don´t know if what I write will be a help to you or not.

Plesase don´t think that no woman would fall in love with you because of what you think is undesirable baggage.

Would your son accept a new mother figure? That question can´t be answered ahead of time. All children respond to love and respect and it would depend on the example you give your son.

Would she love him as her own? If you remarry your wife would never be your son´s mother but she can love and care for him because he is your son.

A future wife would also have a huge part in your life and she would be exactly that, your wife..first in your love. Your memories of your late wife will always be with you and giving a future wife the place she deserves will not erase them. I would suggest that if you do remarry in the future photos and other things should be boxed and kept for your son.

My best wishes and I hope you soon find a loving woman to share your life.

 

[Aileen]

Dave,

I forgot to mention that y husband was a young widower of 29 when we married.

 

[Sandiaman]

It has been two and a half years for me, and I definitely feel that I'm still married, and I want it that way. I have no desire for another relationship because I'm looking forward to joining my spouse for eternity in Jesus. I have no idea what that will be like, but I trust that our Creator knows, and that is all I need. It is easier for me to take this stance than it may be for others, since I am 65 and have a wonderfully supportive family. I don't feel a need for another romantic/sexual relationship, and I thank our Lord for that!

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

Hi Dave,

I don´t know if what I write will be a help to you or not.

Plesase don´t think that no woman would fall in love with you because of what you think is undesirable baggage.

Would your son accept a new mother figure? That question can´t be answered ahead of time. All children respond to love and respect and it would depend on the example you give your son.

Would she love him as her own? If you remarry your wife would never be your son´s mother but she can love and care for him because he is your son.

A future wife would also have a huge part in your life and she would be exactly that, your wife..first in your love. Your memories of your late wife will always be with you and giving a future wife the place she deserves will not erase them. I would suggest that if you do remarry in the future photos and other things should be boxed and kept for your son.

My best wishes and I hope you soon find a loving woman to share your life.

This is the only part I disagree with.WHY do we have to "box" up our memories? Maybe that's why I don't have anyone in my life. If I was in a "new" relationship I would take the photos I have in my bedroom down but I am not going to take every memory of him and hide it away. And someone that would love me, would understand that, I guess.

 

[Roe74]

Hi Dave,

If woman love you as you are, she will love your kids and yr family as well..

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

How's it going Dave?

 

[VioletMarie]

I first came on here about 3 years ago, after my dear wife passed away. I have a wonderful son who is an absolute joy, but still I'm feeling lonely. I have passed the stage where I'm lonely because of loss; now it's a different kind of lonely.

Whenever I see couples -- young or old -- doing things together, I feel like that will never be me again. I see myself as undesirable to a woman my own age (or anyone, for that matter).

I feel weighed down by "baggage." I find it hard to believe that anyone would accept me along with all the baggage.

In some ways, I think I'm actually afraid of the changes that would come along with an intimate relationship at this stage of my life. Some things that I wonder about:

• How would it affect my son? Would he accept a new mother figure in his life? Would she love him as her own?
• My wife is still a huge part of our life. We have videos, and pictures of her; what to do with them? We don't want to hide them. I want to remember her and be respectful of her memory and our lives that we shared together, but I also want to be respectful of any new relationships and not scare them off;
• We are still close with her family and many of her old friends. I'm sure that they would be happy to see me move on, but I can't help but think there would be some uneasiness. Maybe I worry about that too much;
• I haven't dated in about a dozen years. I'm not the young, svelte lad I used to be. Hair has thinned, weight has increased, etc. Not exactly the model image of attraction;
• I know it's not right to compare potential mates with my deceased love, but certainly there would be some subconscious comparison happening. I know it will be difficult to suppress. How can I be fair to everyone?

I know I'm not the only person feeling this way, but I sure do feel alone. I really need some way to boost my confidence so I can just go out and meet people without worrying about being judged or scrutinized, and just be free, to be myself.

Sorry for ranting...

I don't know how old you are but I am feeling much the same way. My problem is I live in the country that is sparsely populated. I have to drive for miles to go to church or events. I am also very conservative and a fundamental type person. Not many men who are that way these days. They want TV, and all the toys that go with the modern day materialism. Most women do too. I am attractive but not in the shape I was at age 23. Yes, it gets very lonesome. No one wants to seek the old paths God wants us to take. VioletMarie

 

[UncleDave]

How's it going Dave?

I don't know why, but I just felt compelled to come back in here and check things out. Maybe it's because my son has been missing his Mom a lot during the past week. I think the onset of the holidays brings back memories and emotions and longings.

I'm still single, and emotionally I'm quite content to remain that way. I'm sure if I meet someone special that feeling would change, but I'm not in the active hunt for a mate right now. I'm still struggling with the daily aspects of being a single Dad. I've gone through a period of unemployment and am still suffering the lingering financial fallout from that. Even when my wife was alive I placed the burden of provider on myself, although we both worked and shared in the responsibilities. Now it truly is all on me and the pressure is sometimes almost unbearable. I sometimes wish I had a working partner to ease the burden somewhat, but that alone is not a reason to hook up.

I do feel that the more time goes by the less chance I'll have to find another special someone. But I'm willing to accept if it never happens. I just need the grace to let go and let God use me and my circumstances to His glory.

God bless!

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

I don't know why, but I just felt compelled to come back in here and check things out. Maybe it's because my son has been missing his Mom a lot during the past week. I think the onset of the holidays brings back memories and emotions and longings.

I'm still single, and emotionally I'm quite content to remain that way. I'm sure if I meet someone special that feeling would change, but I'm not in the active hunt for a mate right now. I'm still struggling with the daily aspects of being a single Dad. I've gone through a period of unemployment and am still suffering the lingering financial fallout from that. Even when my wife was alive I placed the burden of provider on myself, although we both worked and shared in the responsibilities. Now it truly is all on me and the pressure is sometimes almost unbearable. I sometimes wish I had a working partner to ease the burden somewhat, but that alone is not a reason to hook up.

I do feel that the more time goes by the less chance I'll have to find another special someone. But I'm willing to accept if it never happens. I just need the grace to let go and let God use me and my circumstances to His glory.

God bless!

Glad you stopped by. Sorry your son is missing his mom so bad, but it's truly something I don't think we ever get over, losing a parent or a child. I totally get what you are saying about sometimes wishing to have the other half that can help with the finances but you will have alot more chances than I will for hooking up. For one you are younger by about 10 years and being a guy it will be easier for you eventually, maybe not now, but someday. And at least you still have your faith and God and that is what will bring Him glory. God Bless you Dave!