- Aug 9, 2006
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Well, I guess I suspected all along that something wasn't quite right.
Lots of mixed feelings.
Seems I will miss what was not meant to be, in spite of the fact that I had to struggle so hard at first to desire the unexpected blessing.
Now my body returns to its original state, and I am left to explain to friends and family that the little one will not arrive as expected.
God was so good to me, showed such mercy in all this. The pain was brief, the bleeding very little, in fact I would never have thought it was the end had I not seen the outcome of the process- fished it out of the water to confirm the loss I knew was there.
27 weeks of waiting, summed up in only one brief, slippery mass slidding free from the warm place it lived so briefly.
The mind is a funny thing. Contradicting itself at times, sometimes even normalizing what it can't rationalize, or feeling that which isn't. The movements so infrequent and vague, all just a product of a phantom movement.
The little one long gone, the end waiting weeks to arrive. Me hoping, rationalizing, but not surprised at the slippery, dull splash that harkened the truth.
I am sad, conflicted, glad the worries and wait are over.
Ready to move into a new season, thankful God was gentle, so gentle. I prayed for His will, so there is peace. He will comfort and restore my purpose and joy. Time will heal this for all who this little one touched for so short a time.
I'm only sad for what might have been. But what might have been won't be, and hasn't been for some time.
Worthy are you Lord, who sent my sweet babies, and protected them and placed them in my care. Into Your gentle hands I place my little sheep who I can never know in this mortal life- but long to know in the next.
ABBA... Yahweh... Yeshua... My rock, my redeemer, my protector, my comforter. Hold my heart tonight Lord, that tomorrow might shine brighter with Your love and hope.
Lots of mixed feelings.
Seems I will miss what was not meant to be, in spite of the fact that I had to struggle so hard at first to desire the unexpected blessing.
Now my body returns to its original state, and I am left to explain to friends and family that the little one will not arrive as expected.
God was so good to me, showed such mercy in all this. The pain was brief, the bleeding very little, in fact I would never have thought it was the end had I not seen the outcome of the process- fished it out of the water to confirm the loss I knew was there.
27 weeks of waiting, summed up in only one brief, slippery mass slidding free from the warm place it lived so briefly.
The mind is a funny thing. Contradicting itself at times, sometimes even normalizing what it can't rationalize, or feeling that which isn't. The movements so infrequent and vague, all just a product of a phantom movement.
The little one long gone, the end waiting weeks to arrive. Me hoping, rationalizing, but not surprised at the slippery, dull splash that harkened the truth.
I am sad, conflicted, glad the worries and wait are over.
Ready to move into a new season, thankful God was gentle, so gentle. I prayed for His will, so there is peace. He will comfort and restore my purpose and joy. Time will heal this for all who this little one touched for so short a time.
I'm only sad for what might have been. But what might have been won't be, and hasn't been for some time.
Worthy are you Lord, who sent my sweet babies, and protected them and placed them in my care. Into Your gentle hands I place my little sheep who I can never know in this mortal life- but long to know in the next.
ABBA... Yahweh... Yeshua... My rock, my redeemer, my protector, my comforter. Hold my heart tonight Lord, that tomorrow might shine brighter with Your love and hope.
Wow, that was beautifully written. May the Lord comfort you.
