Fill-In-The-Blank Game!

[Doctor.Sphinx]

But to her surprise, in the next moment, the good doctor popped his head into her ward. He'd even brought her a bouquet of flowers of penitent colouring, a small box of milk chocolates, and a short but sincere apology note.

'Uhhh... Hello Sam91' he began. 'I'm sincerely sorry about all this trouble I've caused, and even moreso for when you set the lion on me.. You know, you might've stuck to tradition and released a unicorn - I'd have fancied my chances better with a unicorn, but a lion...' His voice trailed off. 'There'd have been nothing left for your museum... Oh. Not that you have a museum anymore...'

'I never released the lion', Sam answered. 'I just thought about it. And my beautifully restored yarmulke of protection-against-mental-eavesdroppers came off whilst I was running...'

The doctor began to feel even sorrier for his actions. 'I wasn't so much running away, as I was trying to get rid of that dreaded ego', he explained. 'I figured I could leave it with some hero-type, and it might even come in useful for fighting against the British.'

Sam91 gave him a strange look, as if to ask where he'd been the last few centuries, or however long ago it was.

They both watched the now-monstrous-and-much-reviled-ego-of-epic-proportions through the television screen from Sam's room in the psychiatric unit of the Edinburgh royal infirmary.

'Have you ever cured such an ego?' asked the doctor. 'I mean, permanently?' he added. 'Not like last time...'

 

[Sam91]

@Sam91 full of sedatives could only drool and sleepily slurp up chocolate-y saliva to stop it trailing down her chin...

 

[Sam91]

@Sam91 full of sedatives could only drool and sleepily slurp up chocolate-y saliva to stop it trailing down her chin...

 

[Sam91]

@Sam91 full of sedatives could only drool and sleepily slurp up the chocolate infused saliva to prevent it dripping off her chin.

 

[Sam91]

The doctor was dismayed that Samantha appeared to be stuck in some kind of psychological time loop.

 

[Doctor.Sphinx]

'Poor Sam91', the doctor thought to himself. 'Reduced to this... And repeating herself... Because of me... I do like these Scottish folk, but I absolutely must bust poor Sam out of this horrible place.'

He took out Sam's handbag from his backpack, and emptied two sidekicks from this, onto the floor next to the bed; the @GreenWizard and @Lost4words.

'My now-monstrous-and-much-reviled-ego-of-epic-proportions doesn't like me to think this, but I might need a little more help than I'm able to provide by myself, to succeed in this rescue', he thought.

The somewhat humbler Sphinx - his now-monstrous-and-much-reviled-ego-of-epic-proportions currently more preoccupied with posing for the TV cameras than filling his head with prideful thoughts - and his two sidekicks promptly bundled the poor, drugged @Sam91 into her own handbag, and began the walk from her ward to the hospital carpark below, where their ride was waiting...

 

[Doctor.Sphinx]

'Poor Sam91', the doctor thought to himself. 'Reduced to this... And repeating herself... Because of me... I do like these Scottish folk, but I absolutely must bust poor Sam out of this horrible place.'

He took out Sam's handbag from his backpack, and emptied two sidekicks from this, onto the floor next to the bed; the GreenWizard and Lost4Words.

'My now-monstrous-and-much-reviled-ego-of-epic-proportions doesn't like me to think this, but I might need a little more help than I'm able to provide by myself, to succeed in this rescue', he thought.

The somewhat humbler Sphinx - his now-monstrous-and-much-reviled-ego-of-epic-proportions currently more preoccupied with posing for the TV cameras than filling his head with prideful thoughts - and his two sidekicks promptly bundled the poor, drugged Sam91 into her own handbag, and began the walk from her ward to the hospital carpark below, where their ride was waiting...

 

[Doctor.Sphinx]

Unfortunately, it seemed that the doctor had somehow joined Samantha in what appeared to be some kind of psychological time loop. He hoped the sidekicks would be able to successfully get the handbag to the get-away car.

 

[Doctor.Sphinx]

'Well, seeing as we're caught up in some sort of pyschological timewarp, let me recit a nursery rhyme that I used to like, when I was a little Sphinx', stated the doctor.

Still doped up on sedatives, poor @Sam91 could only drool some further chocolate-y saliva down her chin in response...

The doctor fished through his first aid kit, and located the yarmulke of immediate-acuity-prompt-perspicacity-and-sudden-sagacity, and arranged it neatly atop Sam91's well-shaped head. The healing effects were mostly instantaneous, the sedative effect wore off, and Sam91 was quickly able to clean herself up.

'Wow. You mean like 6000 plus years ago?' asked Sam91.

'Uhhh... Sphinxes mature quite late in life,' explained the Doctor, unconvincingly. 'It's titled "The Owl and the Pυssy Cat", and it's by "Edward Lear". Although, of course, I didn't care who it was written by when I was young-er'.

'The Owl and the Pυssy cat went to sea
In a beautiful pea-green boat,
They took some honey, and plenty of money,
Wrapped up in a five-pound note.
The Owl looked up to the stars above,
And sang to a small guitar,
"O lovely Pυssy! O Pυssy, my love,
What a beautiful Pυssy you are, you are
What a beautiful Pυssy you are!"

Pυssy said to the Owl, "You elegant fowl!
How charmingly sweet you sing!
O let us be married! too long we have tarried:
But what shall we do for a ring?"
They sailed away, for a year and a day,
To the land where the Bong-Tree grows
And there in a wood a Piggy-wig stood
With a ring at the end of his nose, his nose,
With a ring at the end of his nose.

"Dear Pig, are you willing to sell for one shilling
Your ring?" Said the Piggy, "I will."
So they took it away, and were married next day
By the Turkey who lives on the hill.
They dined on mince, and slices of quince,
Which they ate with a runcible spoon;
And hand in hand, on the edge of the sand,
They danced by the light of the moon, the moon,
They danced by the light of the moon.'

'I slightly modified the repetitions, because I think there are too many,' explained the doctor proudly, as if he'd written the poem himself, rather than cut out several superfluous lines. 'I also added some underscores so the CF filter wouldn't presume I am cursing,' he added, rolling his eyes.

'Try to be quiet in there!' boomed out the voice of the GreenWizard. It seemed a lot louder from inside Sam91's handbag, or whatever other psychological timewarp zone the dubious-duo had found themselves in.

'Are you out there suffering a timewarp also,' called out the doctor.

'Doctor!' whispered the voice of Lost4Words fiecely. 'The medical staff are giving us some really strange looks. We're in the process of leaving the psychiatric unit of the Edinburgh royal infirmary. Do you really want us to all be committed?'

'Well', explained the doctor, lowering his voice just a little, 'I'd appreciate if my sidekicks were just a little committed to helping us escape this place.'

While the sidekicks were making good their escape from the Edinburgh royal infirmary, and providing all manner of unconvincing explanations to the psychiatric staff about their presence and what they were doing, Doctor Sphinx took the opportunity to have a walk around Sam91's handbag - or wherever it was he found himself.

'I apologise for ending up here', he explained to Sam91. 'I was supposed to make good our escape with the sidekicks, but unfortunately, the psychological timewarp, or whatever else it was, seemed to suck me into here'.

'It's alright', explained Sam91. 'Welcome to my handbag. Much larger on the inside, as I'm sure you realise by now.'

The doctor nodded, impressed, although, as Sam91 had previously noted, it really didn't take a lot to impress him.

'So, ah...' he began.

'Yes', explained Sam91. 'It's another of my inventions.'

The doctor opened a cupboard, and out poured a variety of yarmulkes.

'Ah, doctor, you've found them,' exclaimed Sam91 gladly. 'They weren't pilfered at all. I must have just stored them in the wrong compartment...'

'How do we get out of here?' asked the doctor.

'I'm not really so sure', explained Sam91. 'I've never actually used my handbag for travelling in - just for storage of my attire and tools.'

His question was quickly answered by a large paw pulling him roughly out of the handbag, where he reverted to his normal size. He found himself in the rear seat of the get-away vehicle, with the GreenWizard driving, and Lost4Words sitting in the passenger seat.

The Doctor noted that of all the @GreenWizard's many faults, get-away driving was most certainly not one of them. He patted @Lost4words on the head, to thank him for a job well done. Just then...

 

[Sam91]

Sam said 'turn right. '@DavidFirth just has to see the firth of forth and its bridges.'

 

[DavidFirth]

And the captain sat next to Sam's hospital bed with his chin on the floor. Why, he had never seen anything even remotely as beautiful as the bridges in the great country of Scotland! Well, except for Salma Hayek, of course, but that's common sense amongst salty dog captains.

'Can we build some bridges next to our churches?' he asked, not taking his eye off the extraordinary architecture Sam was showing him.

 

[Sam91]

'Yeah but can you smuggle the bed back into
the psych ward. The good doctor put the bed in the handbag when I was all doped up to keep me safe from injury. I think it would be stealing to keep it. I can't go back, I've escaped. Please.. you can put it in my handbag!'

 

[DavidFirth]

'No way I'm going near a psych ward. What if they test me and find me insanity and lock me away? I don't like young men in clean white coats!' said the Captain. 'We will send @*LILAC back with it, she's sane enough.'

 

[Doctor.Sphinx]

'No, no', insisted the good but still-sometimes-egotistical doctor. 'I can see that I caused this whole mess, it is only fair for me to put it right. Besides, I think if they don't deem me sane enough to return to the outside world from the psychiatric unit of the Edinburgh royal infirmary, perhaps I'll get to speak with some interesting people? Who knows, maybe they might even help with my variety of little quirks?'

The CF crew took a brief moment to watch the TV - still attached to Sam's hospital bed, as the now-monstrous-and-much-reviled-ego-of-epic-proportions paraded itself around Scotland, much to the admiration of the Scottish. The doctor had to admit - the Ego certainly did have something charismatic about it, but he was grateful that at present, it was too preoccupied with inducing adoration from the generous Scottish people, than trifling with himself to make him into a prouder and more obnoxious Sphinx.

'Sam91', he said humbly, 'You were right. If the Scottish people only had x-ray vision, they would see straight through the phoney-greatness being bandied about by that sorry excuse for a now-monstrous-and-much-reviled-ego-of-epic-proportions. Sadly, however, if they did have x-ray vision, the ego would be back to bother me...'

'But I have a cunning plan that may just have us able to return this bed to the hospital with me still uninstitutionalised, and Scotland free of the now-monstrous-and-much-reviled-ego-of-epic-proportions,' the Doctor said, adding 'at least until our next adventure', as a legal disclaimer.

'How is your impression of Nicola Sturgeon, and can you drink whiskey?' the doctor asked.

Before @Sam91 could answer, @*LILAC shoed the others out of her room so Sam91 could get changed out of her hospital clothes and back into her action clothes.

'Doctor Sphinx, does your cunning plan include anything about building bridges next to the churches we build?' asked @DavidFirth hopefully, while the others waited for the ex-taxidermist to resume her normal duties.

'Doctor Sphinx nodded slowly, thoughtfully. 'It does now', he replied, 'Firth of Forth bridges'.

 

[DavidFirth]

'Wow, Doc, you're cooler than I had previously thought. Scots love churches and bridges, this'll be a win-win fer sher.' said the captain.

'Now check me poopdeck and square it away before we go, will you? Oh, and then say a prayer fer Sam while yer at it.'

 

[Doctor.Sphinx]

The Doctor looked at the Captain disgustedly. 'I most certainly will not!' he exclaimed indignantly. 'You go and see a doctor for that'.

@DavidFirth raised his eyebrows, and opened his mouth as if to say something, but before he could, Doctor Sphinx added quickly 'I mean, a *real* doctor. And not Sam91, either. Find yourself a good proctologist, man! I won't be going anywhere near your poopdeck, nor be squaring anything away in that vicinity, young fella-me-lad'.

'Now,' said the good Doctor forgivingly, putting the Captain's potty talk behind him, 'There is no time for dilly-dallying. If we are to save Scotland, and eradicate my now-monstrous-and-much-reviled-ego-of-epic-proportions, and put our own man on the throne...'

Sam91 gave the Doctor a puzzled look. 'Errr... I mean, our own lady in the parliament' he corrected himself, 'we must be off at once'.

'Doctor?' asked Sam91 respectfully. 'Do you not think that if all our adventures did not revolve around our saving the world from your larger-than-life-ego, it might be a little bit smaller?' She indicated the anticipated size with her left thumb and forefinger.

'Exactly, dear, clever, calculating, excellent Sam91' exclaimed Doctor Sphinx. 'Smaller... And flatter. This is exactly true. Which is why we must build a bridge to England'.

'Ah, doctor?' asked Sam91.

'Yes, Sam, what is it now?' asked the doctor.

'Scotland and England are connected by land,' explained the ex-taxidermist kindly. 'Clearly', she thought to herself, 'the doctor's area of expertise is not geography'.

'Ah, well done, Sam91' commended the doctor. 'Then there will be no need for a bridge. Someone else must have done the work for us already. This shall save us some time.'

The three started their march toward the border, with @Lost4words and the @GreenWizard following behind and endeavouring to play 'Scotland the brave' on their bagpipes. After putting up with several seconds worth of music sufficient to make a professional cat-torturer tone-deaf, @Sam91 generously put a pair of the melodious-maestro's yarmulkes for harmonious-highland-bagpipes atop the sidekicks' heads. Sure, the yarmulkes didn't fit at all, but the music improved no end, and sounded something like that in the link below.

 

[Sam91]

'Ah there is no place like home!' Smiled the bagpipe-immune Samantha.

'Scotland how I missed thee'

 

[Doctor.Sphinx]

'I dinnae ken knee or oon kennee loove ze dudelsack!' exclaimed Doctor Sphinx, trying to put on his best Scottish accent, but getting confused halfway through the sentence and finishing in ze Deutsch.

 

[Sam91]

Looking at the good @Doctor.Sphinx she added.

'I am sorry but I'm going back to my house, the one with the fair wallpaper. After so long, I refuse to leave it again. I shall live out my days as a hermit, reminiscing about our adventures. So long mon ami! T'was fun'.

The crew were dumbfounded...

 

[Doctor.Sphinx]

The Doctor most of all. He knew his Scottish accent was absolutely terrible, he just didn't realise it was *that* terrible.

'Isn't there some way we can persuade you to stay?' he asked. 'A payrise? A title? A better quality of sidekick? Daily readings from the ESV by any of the crew you choose? A sing-along session every Tuesday with your favourite hymns?' The Doctor clearly was getting desperate.

 

[Sam91]

'Nope, you'd have to kidnap me. But after seeing my inventions, I am sure you'd be safer to admit defeat.'

With that @Sam91 incomprehensively disappeared.