Fights

[DamagedNothing]

For those of you who have multiple kids.. When two of them get into a fight, say for example they each think they had the toy first, but you weren't there to witness which one is telling the truth, how do you handle it?

I was an only child so my parents can't give me advice on this, but my mom asked some friends at work and all of them said the same thing. They said that when their kids fight and they don't know who's telling the truth they just put them both in "time out" and make them hold hands for a certain amount of time.

Have you ever heard of this or tried it? Will it really work?

 

[Neenie1]

I don't know that I would make them hold hands. I don't think that's fair, if they don't want to hold hands they shouldn't have to.

What we do, is depending on who actually owns the toy. They do have some shared toys, but also have some toys that are "theirs" and they don't have to share those. It is encouraged, but not essential. I encourage both children (6 and 2) to ask to use the toys, not grab or snatch. Yes we often here "that's mine!" or "I had it first!"

Although going by the characters of my kids, it's normally the youngest that will take the toy off the eldest.

 

[JulySheMustFly]

Assuming the toy is a shared toy we have the toy take a vacation. Then the children involved are asked to use their words to reconcile or if pushing and shoving is involved they are asked to show each other kind hands. Kind hands in our house is anything from a gentle touch on the shoulder to a hug with reconciling words, "I'm sorry." "Can we find something to play together?" or something else like that. When they are both too angry I ask them to go find a quiet place to cool off and when they are calm they need to then do what I've mentioned above.

My kids are 6,4 & 3.

 

[bugaboo]

In our home nearly all the toys are shared. If my children can't resolve the issue on their own, without shouting, then I usually take the toy away from both of them for the rest of the day. I encourage them to take turns.

 

[jgonz]

I generally punish both... because ultimately, they were fighting, which is against the rules of the house by itself. And then I take the toy away from both.

 

[marezee]

If it cannot be determined who had the toy first, and they are fighting over it, they have to go to time out for fighting. I don't tolerate that. All three of my boys know that they should come to mommy, daddy, or sitter if there is a conflict. The two year old doesn't always do this...well let's face it, he's just two! but the 4 & 5yr olds know better.
So, after time out is done, they can choose if they want to continue playing with the toy or not. if yes, then they need to take turns. if this cannot be done by themselves working it out, i set a timer. 5 minutes for one, then 5 minutes for the other, etc.
Usually that does it. if they continue to have conflicts over that toy, it goes away for the day.

 

[lucypevensie]

I encourage them to negotiate between themselves. This works if it is a true disagreement between just the 2 of them. I tell them to figure it out - they usually know the right thing to do. However, this does not always work. In those cases I find that one or both of them needs some personal attention from Mom and/or Dad, and it's their strange way of asking for it.

 

[Neenie1]

I encourage them to negotiate between themselves. This works if it is a true disagreement between just the 2 of them. I tell them to figure it out - they usually know the right thing to do. However, this does not always work. In those cases I find that one or both of them needs some personal attention from Mom and/or Dad, and it's their strange way of asking for it.

I've noticed that too.

 

[K9_Trainer]

Oh I have a friend who's parents made her and her sister do that!

Whenever they fought, they had to sit in time out and hold hands or sometimes even hug while negotiating with each other/work out the problem themselves. It worked really well apparently

 

[DamagedNothing]

Hmm interesting feedback, thanks everyone! I was surprised to see that a lot of you do what I currently do, which is take the toy away for a while. But then my kids usually throw an even bigger fit when that happens, so I end up having to deal with that behavior as well, and it hasn't really seemed to "sink in" that when they fight over a toy it gets taken away... My kids are 6 and 3 (soon to be 4). Shouldn't they be old enough to learn about consequences?

 

[jgonz]

They'll get it DN, don't worry.

 

[DamagedNothing]

lol ok.

 

[marezee]

Hmm interesting feedback, thanks everyone! I was surprised to see that a lot of you do what I currently do, which is take the toy away for a while. But then my kids usually throw an even bigger fit when that happens, so I end up having to deal with that behavior as well, and it hasn't really seemed to "sink in" that when they fight over a toy it gets taken away... My kids are 6 and 3 (soon to be 4). Shouldn't they be old enough to learn about consequences?

yes, they are old enough, but that doesn't mean they will always follow through! LOL! that's the kid of it!