Fighting
- Thread starter SPB1987
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Just generally. We have only been married since march 1st of this year. We are falling apart.
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I have family 6 hours away. I dont have a church here. My husband doesnt trust me enough to go to church which is not right. H edoesnt allow me to do anything but sit home. If i want to go somewhere i cant.
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makeitwork
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becca~the "control" your husband has over you it is not normal or christ like and it could lead to any type of abuse...have you spoken to your hubby about his insecurities?
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Well that is not normal at all. If I tried to tell my wife where she could and could not go....well you get the idea.
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When we squabble there's usually an underlaying cause that starts it, and not the topic itself. being aware of that helps me to difuse the situation more quickly than if i go ahead and argue out the topic.
if i realize that 'now is not a good time', then i can either handle the problem myself or postpone the discussion.
If we're "getting on each other's last nerve" then i can lower my voice and try speaking in a calmer voice or let the matter rest.
if it's 'something he doesn't want to hear', then i briefly and as calmly as possible say my peace and let him think about it.
nine times out of ten this one works best for us because i can condense my thoughts, and he has time to mull them over without the pressure of giving a quick answer.
Then if he disagrees, later he can calmly tell me why he does, and i either see his logic or just think about it for a while. Sometimes that process takes a few days, but usually one of us will say the other one is right after some consideration. and maybe more importantly we each know that the other will really seriously consider what we've said.
it may take longer, but it's a much calmer way to handle things and also avoids saying words that can't be taken back easily.
the most important thing is not to be angry when you fight. anger unleashed makes people say things that aren't true and that they don't mean, and that they would never say any other time.
if i realize that 'now is not a good time', then i can either handle the problem myself or postpone the discussion.
If we're "getting on each other's last nerve" then i can lower my voice and try speaking in a calmer voice or let the matter rest.
if it's 'something he doesn't want to hear', then i briefly and as calmly as possible say my peace and let him think about it.
nine times out of ten this one works best for us because i can condense my thoughts, and he has time to mull them over without the pressure of giving a quick answer.
Then if he disagrees, later he can calmly tell me why he does, and i either see his logic or just think about it for a while. Sometimes that process takes a few days, but usually one of us will say the other one is right after some consideration. and maybe more importantly we each know that the other will really seriously consider what we've said.
it may take longer, but it's a much calmer way to handle things and also avoids saying words that can't be taken back easily.
the most important thing is not to be angry when you fight. anger unleashed makes people say things that aren't true and that they don't mean, and that they would never say any other time.
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LovebirdsFlying
My husband drew this cartoon of me.
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Rarely. Both of us are rather avoidant in that area. We do NOT want to fight!
I also think it's important to define "fight" as opposed to debate, discuss, or disagree. When we were first married, Mike would sometimes accuse me of "trying to start a fight" when I simply wanted to discuss the issue until it got resolved. That annoyed me because I would never "try" to start a fight on purpose, and I resented the implication. As we learn better communication skills, I have begun wording things in a way that doesn't put him on the defensive, and he has begun listening rather than putting up his shields because "oh boy, here comes conflict."
(And I want to add to Becca, please be safe. If you have to get away--and that does not mean divorce--do so. From what you've posted, I'm afraid for you. It sounds like your husband is trying to isolate you so you don't have any support when he harms you. Not letting you go anywhere, including to church or to see family, is not normal, or healthy. Believe me, I've lived it.)
I also think it's important to define "fight" as opposed to debate, discuss, or disagree. When we were first married, Mike would sometimes accuse me of "trying to start a fight" when I simply wanted to discuss the issue until it got resolved. That annoyed me because I would never "try" to start a fight on purpose, and I resented the implication. As we learn better communication skills, I have begun wording things in a way that doesn't put him on the defensive, and he has begun listening rather than putting up his shields because "oh boy, here comes conflict."
(And I want to add to Becca, please be safe. If you have to get away--and that does not mean divorce--do so. From what you've posted, I'm afraid for you. It sounds like your husband is trying to isolate you so you don't have any support when he harms you. Not letting you go anywhere, including to church or to see family, is not normal, or healthy. Believe me, I've lived it.)
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Leggomyegolas
I can haz popcorn?
Dallasapple--
"Im actually a "fighter" I like to hash things out.and by "fight I mean confront or discuss..my husband on the other hand likes to avoid ..Problem is he thinks If I am not "fighting" then Im "happy" with him and it just aint so..He has this way of seeing the "arguing" as the issue..not what it is you are arguing about..Yelling is definately "wrong" to him and will be the focus over a disagreement if I ever do that.."
That sounds like a pretty good description of my wife and I. Although, I'm learning to be more "stubborn" and not just let things that bother me slide. Everything's just hunky dory as long as she's getting her way. The moment she doesn't, though, look out. Also, she tries bossing me around sometimes, telling me what I can and can't do, or telling me that I will do this or won't do that. I don't tolerate that though, so it almost always starts a fight.
"Im actually a "fighter" I like to hash things out.and by "fight I mean confront or discuss..my husband on the other hand likes to avoid ..Problem is he thinks If I am not "fighting" then Im "happy" with him and it just aint so..He has this way of seeing the "arguing" as the issue..not what it is you are arguing about..Yelling is definately "wrong" to him and will be the focus over a disagreement if I ever do that.."
That sounds like a pretty good description of my wife and I. Although, I'm learning to be more "stubborn" and not just let things that bother me slide. Everything's just hunky dory as long as she's getting her way. The moment she doesn't, though, look out. Also, she tries bossing me around sometimes, telling me what I can and can't do, or telling me that I will do this or won't do that. I don't tolerate that though, so it almost always starts a fight.
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I guess it depends on what you mean by fight. If you mean hit each other or throw stuff, we don't do that. If you mean having a very unpleasant argument that may involve raising our voices, we used to do that a few days out of the month, and those days fell in a certain week of the month. If you ask me, whether we had an argument like this was pretty much determined by whether my wife was having one of her moods. She might disagree if she happened to be having one of her moods when you asked her. During PMS, suddenly our marriage was full of problems, and we needed marriage counseling, but most of the time she didn't seem to think this way. We'd also argue a bit outside of that time frame. I experienced some of the same things during certain weeks of her last pregnancy.
Then, during her last pregnancy, the Lord dealt with my wife about needing to be more respectful to me as her husband, and a certain other obligation of wives which is actually rated G, but happens to be off topic on this forum. You can look it up in Colossians 3, Ephesians 5, and I Peter 3. Since then, things have greatly improved. She did raise her voice at me once when she was rather irritable toward me and the kids one day during her post partum time after she hadn't been sleeping very much. I think it was right after her first time shopping after she'd recovered fairly well from the delivery, but still had a lot of hormonal stuff going on, and exhaustion.
Otherwise, we've had a few unpleasant conversations. I don't she's raised her voice at me in an angry way other than that one day when she was really stressed out. I have pointed out to her if I felt the way she was speaking was disrespectful toward me, especially since this was an area the Lord was dealing with her about, and it has been very helpful for our marriage. She needs to know how I as her husband want her to talk to me in a way I feel is respectful to help her do what the Lord wants her to in regard to respecting/reverencing her husband. She has gotten upset a few times during conversation. And we've had a little bickering, maybe once a month or once every two months.
She used to take a while to cool down after an argument. Maybe several hours, or even the next day. I really didn't like the next day thing since I always pushed for reconciliation before we go to bed. Sometimes reconciliation seemed cold on her part. For me, if I get angry, it takes me anywhere from about 2 to 45 seconds to calm down. I don't usually get really angry, maybe a bit irritable.
On my part, I try not to talk to my wife in a way that makes her upset. If I raise my voice at her, she lets me know. Sometimes I'll talk that way because I'm stressed because the kids are wound up, or I'm tired, or I'm frustrated because my wife is trying to talk to me from the next room. If I talk to my wife in a tone that gets on her nerves or that seems angry, she lets me know. Nowadays, usually I'll apologize and she'll be okay. She's better about reconciling quickly than she used to be, I think.
I find that it really helps to consider how you talk to each other and what leads to fighting (quarreling I suppose you mean.) If my wife were to talk down to me, talk in a bossy tone, or speaks angrily or say disrespectful things, that could lead to arguing. If she were to lecture or nag me to do something--especially something I said I didn't want to do-- that could lead to an argument. If she finds fault and keep saying basically the same thing over and over again for five minutes if she could have just said it in an hour, that would get to me. She stopped that sort of thing for the most part when she repented over the respect issue, and things have really improved. A husband needs to let his wife know, talk to me like this, not that. For example, let her know not to talk to you with a bossy voice standing there with her hands on her hips. If she does it, he should point it out in a non-argumentative way. It works best if there is an understanding to point out behaviors that are not respectful. Tell her in a nice way, and the whole philosophy behind how she communicates should be based on the word of God. Most of these behaviors run contrary to the wife's responsibility to reverence her husband.
Husbands must be responsible to love their wives, and they aren't supposed to make them bitter. They are to treat them with honor as weaker vessels. So yelling at his wife, belittling her, or using body language that communicates physical intimidation and those kind of behaviors can create problems in how he communicates with his wife. His communication needs to be done in a loving manner that honors her. It's good for a husband to talk to his wife and find out if there is some way he talks that embitters his wife, tempts her to be disrespectful, or is unloving for some other reasons. If he starts to do it, she can gently point that out in a way that doesn't lead to an escalating argument.
In some marriages, if the man just changes the way he communicates and does it with more love and honor, it nearly puts an end to arguing. In other marriages, if the wife changes the way she communicates and does it with respect/fear/reverence towards her husband, the arguing stops. A change in just one spouse could reduce or eliminate quarreling. Then there are those spouses who at times can create an argument when the other spouse isn't cooperating too much and is trying to maintain peace. In those cases, that spouse needs to change.
Then, during her last pregnancy, the Lord dealt with my wife about needing to be more respectful to me as her husband, and a certain other obligation of wives which is actually rated G, but happens to be off topic on this forum. You can look it up in Colossians 3, Ephesians 5, and I Peter 3. Since then, things have greatly improved. She did raise her voice at me once when she was rather irritable toward me and the kids one day during her post partum time after she hadn't been sleeping very much. I think it was right after her first time shopping after she'd recovered fairly well from the delivery, but still had a lot of hormonal stuff going on, and exhaustion.
Otherwise, we've had a few unpleasant conversations. I don't she's raised her voice at me in an angry way other than that one day when she was really stressed out. I have pointed out to her if I felt the way she was speaking was disrespectful toward me, especially since this was an area the Lord was dealing with her about, and it has been very helpful for our marriage. She needs to know how I as her husband want her to talk to me in a way I feel is respectful to help her do what the Lord wants her to in regard to respecting/reverencing her husband. She has gotten upset a few times during conversation. And we've had a little bickering, maybe once a month or once every two months.
She used to take a while to cool down after an argument. Maybe several hours, or even the next day. I really didn't like the next day thing since I always pushed for reconciliation before we go to bed. Sometimes reconciliation seemed cold on her part. For me, if I get angry, it takes me anywhere from about 2 to 45 seconds to calm down. I don't usually get really angry, maybe a bit irritable.
On my part, I try not to talk to my wife in a way that makes her upset. If I raise my voice at her, she lets me know. Sometimes I'll talk that way because I'm stressed because the kids are wound up, or I'm tired, or I'm frustrated because my wife is trying to talk to me from the next room. If I talk to my wife in a tone that gets on her nerves or that seems angry, she lets me know. Nowadays, usually I'll apologize and she'll be okay. She's better about reconciling quickly than she used to be, I think.
I find that it really helps to consider how you talk to each other and what leads to fighting (quarreling I suppose you mean.) If my wife were to talk down to me, talk in a bossy tone, or speaks angrily or say disrespectful things, that could lead to arguing. If she were to lecture or nag me to do something--especially something I said I didn't want to do-- that could lead to an argument. If she finds fault and keep saying basically the same thing over and over again for five minutes if she could have just said it in an hour, that would get to me. She stopped that sort of thing for the most part when she repented over the respect issue, and things have really improved. A husband needs to let his wife know, talk to me like this, not that. For example, let her know not to talk to you with a bossy voice standing there with her hands on her hips. If she does it, he should point it out in a non-argumentative way. It works best if there is an understanding to point out behaviors that are not respectful. Tell her in a nice way, and the whole philosophy behind how she communicates should be based on the word of God. Most of these behaviors run contrary to the wife's responsibility to reverence her husband.
Husbands must be responsible to love their wives, and they aren't supposed to make them bitter. They are to treat them with honor as weaker vessels. So yelling at his wife, belittling her, or using body language that communicates physical intimidation and those kind of behaviors can create problems in how he communicates with his wife. His communication needs to be done in a loving manner that honors her. It's good for a husband to talk to his wife and find out if there is some way he talks that embitters his wife, tempts her to be disrespectful, or is unloving for some other reasons. If he starts to do it, she can gently point that out in a way that doesn't lead to an escalating argument.
In some marriages, if the man just changes the way he communicates and does it with more love and honor, it nearly puts an end to arguing. In other marriages, if the wife changes the way she communicates and does it with respect/fear/reverence towards her husband, the arguing stops. A change in just one spouse could reduce or eliminate quarreling. Then there are those spouses who at times can create an argument when the other spouse isn't cooperating too much and is trying to maintain peace. In those cases, that spouse needs to change.
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we have our disagreements and our spats but we hardly ever stay mad at one another. The way we try to see it we have our own opinions and no matter how stupid we think the others opinion is. . . We try and respect it as much as possible. Communication and respect are the key.
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S
SilkRainn
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I knew when I was young enough that it had to be simple. No raised voices or anything. Tell her how it's going to be, then just end the conversation after that, its over. Most men make the mistake of continuing the argument and not knowing when to end it. Speak what you will, let the woman have the last word like they enjoy, then its over.
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Niffer
So...that just happened.
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We fight a lot right now - not the throwing things type of fight, but bickering etc.
When you've got a husband re-training, and working 3am to 1pm, an 11 month old, and being sleep deprived, you tend to be a tad over-sensitive.
- Niff
When you've got a husband re-training, and working 3am to 1pm, an 11 month old, and being sleep deprived, you tend to be a tad over-sensitive.
- Niff
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gracefulone1980
Give thanks with a grateful heart.
We don't really fight. We may have a disagreement or once in awhile bicker over something silly. Usually it ends with one of us making the other laugh for ever allowing something so simple bother us.
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