Fighting depression...and losing...

[MetalBlade]

I am only 23 years old, but I have suffered with depression for a good part of my life. I was first diagnosed with depression when I was in my early teens. My parents, and eventually even myself, believed that I was just depressed because it was those awkward teenage years. High school was hard for me, until I got into a meaningful relationship my junior year, but even then I was depressed. When I got into college I started excelling in my classes, my relationship with my girlfriend was really great, life could not have been better…

However, time has worn on. I eventually moved away to go to another college, the one I am at now. My girlfriend broke up with me, which was hard, but I got over it. I am still excelling at school, but some things have led me to be even more depressed then I have ever been. My doctor decided it was a good time to get off my depression medication. So I slowly got off, Lexapro to be exact. I felt ok, at first, but eventually things started going wrong.

Since January, I had dropped out of college because I was not happy in my field of study. Though I’ll still graduate this summer, my parents are mad at me. Plus I am not really sure what I will do now. I might have to work for three years so I can get into grad school. So not knowing what I am doing hurts me. And since I dropped out, I lost my parents health insurance and barely have enough money to pay for that and rent. My depression has come back with an iron fist. I try talking to people, but they just don’t understand. I live with three other people who are awesome, but most of the times I am alone –which is mostly by choice- I try to avoid most social situations. I am lonely as well. Though I love having freedom via being single, I miss being in a relationship. I’ve been on dates recently, but am afraid to talk to people. I have been feeling extremely paranoid. I feel worthless even though I know I am not. And most people, including my brother tell me to grow up and stop being “emo.” This really upsets me because I am not emo, I have depression which is a real disease. I should probably go back on my meds, but can’t force myself to do so. I feel hopeless. I am also slowly losing my faith, which scares me. I am mostly mad at myself though for this, but often question how long I have to suffer for. People tell me to look to God, read my Bible, which I have actually been doing more of. But I am apathetical. Say for example I read Job and then realize that this is God testing me. I’ll understand that for awhile, but then I get sad again and don’t understand. I am lost and I don’t know what to do!

 

[Everlasting33]

I am only 23 years old, but I have suffered with depression for a good part of my life. I was first diagnosed with depression when I was in my early teens. My parents, and eventually even myself, believed that I was just depressed because it was those awkward teenage years. High school was hard for me, until I got into a meaningful relationship my junior year, but even then I was depressed. When I got into college I started excelling in my classes, my relationship with my girlfriend was really great, life could not have been better…

However, time has worn on. I eventually moved away to go to another college, the one I am at now. My girlfriend broke up with me, which was hard, but I got over it. I am still excelling at school, but some things have led me to be even more depressed then I have ever been. My doctor decided it was a good time to get off my depression medication. So I slowly got off, Lexapro to be exact. I felt ok, at first, but eventually things started going wrong.

Since January, I had dropped out of college because I was not happy in my field of study. Though I’ll still graduate this summer, my parents are mad at me. Plus I am not really sure what I will do now. I might have to work for three years so I can get into grad school. So not knowing what I am doing hurts me. And since I dropped out, I lost my parents health insurance and barely have enough money to pay for that and rent. My depression has come back with an iron fist. I try talking to people, but they just don’t understand. I live with three other people who are awesome, but most of the times I am alone –which is mostly by choice- I try to avoid most social situations. I am lonely as well. Though I love having freedom via being single, I miss being in a relationship. I’ve been on dates recently, but am afraid to talk to people. I have been feeling extremely paranoid. I feel worthless even though I know I am not. And most people, including my brother tell me to grow up and stop being “emo.” This really upsets me because I am not emo, I have depression which is a real disease. I should probably go back on my meds, but can’t force myself to do so. I feel hopeless. I am also slowly losing my faith, which scares me. I am mostly mad at myself though for this, but often question how long I have to suffer for. People tell me to look to God, read my Bible, which I have actually been doing more of. But I am apathetical. Say for example I read Job and then realize that this is God testing me. I’ll understand that for awhile, but then I get sad again and don’t understand. I am lost and I don’t know what to do!

I can certainly empathize with the pains of depression and the desperation one feels when all options have seemed to vanish and/are exhausted. The depression you are experiencing is very real and painful! I, myself, have experienced depression for most of my life and I have also felt worthless and hopeless. I sure hope that my little bit of empathy can help!

From a personal opinion, I would highly recommend therapy. There are several factors that are making your depression unbearable: the unknown of the future, the stress of being financially strained, the lack of relationships, and the feelings of worthlessness and hopelessness.

Therapy may help equip you with the tools needed to cope with such difficult and stressful situations. If you cannot afford to see a therapist, maybe try a church that has volunteers who have degrees in some type of counseling.

Do you exercise? Yoga? Involve yourself in leisure activities? Journal? All of these may benefit you in treating depression.

*Like I said, I have suffered terribly from depression and I really do understand the pain you must be feeling right now. If you need to speak to someone, please feel free to PM me.

Take care and I hope you find joy and peace soon!

 

[BigToe]

Yuck, I am sorry you're dealing with all that. I was on Lexapro for a bit and decided I didn't want to take it anymore (and was OKed by my doc). Since then I've been trying other things to help. Eating right does help. I've found that for me, getting in tune with my body helps the emotions sort of line up. Exercising, stretching, massage, chiropractor, those sorts of things. But then, I'm like a puppy so it might not help you. But hey, it's worth a shot.

I know you said you isolate by choice, but try to spend time with friends regularly. And open up to someone, do you have a friend you can trust telling you've been feeling depressed? That's a lesson i've learned this week. I can talk about it day and night online or with my therapist, but telling a friend who will see the yuck and still be there with me helps a lot.

If you ever wanna chat, my PM box is open.

 

[AWorkInProgress]

I am only 23 years old, but I have suffered with depression for a good part of my life. I was first diagnosed with depression when I was in my early teens. My parents, and eventually even myself, believed that I was just depressed because it was those awkward teenage years. High school was hard for me, until I got into a meaningful relationship my junior year, but even then I was depressed. When I got into college I started excelling in my classes, my relationship with my girlfriend was really great, life could not have been better…

However, time has worn on. I eventually moved away to go to another college, the one I am at now. My girlfriend broke up with me, which was hard, but I got over it. I am still excelling at school, but some things have led me to be even more depressed then I have ever been. My doctor decided it was a good time to get off my depression medication. So I slowly got off, Lexapro to be exact. I felt ok, at first, but eventually things started going wrong.

Since January, I had dropped out of college because I was not happy in my field of study. Though I’ll still graduate this summer, my parents are mad at me. Plus I am not really sure what I will do now. I might have to work for three years so I can get into grad school. So not knowing what I am doing hurts me. And since I dropped out, I lost my parents health insurance and barely have enough money to pay for that and rent. My depression has come back with an iron fist. I try talking to people, but they just don’t understand. I live with three other people who are awesome, but most of the times I am alone –which is mostly by choice- I try to avoid most social situations. I am lonely as well. Though I love having freedom via being single, I miss being in a relationship. I’ve been on dates recently, but am afraid to talk to people. I have been feeling extremely paranoid. I feel worthless even though I know I am not. And most people, including my brother tell me to grow up and stop being “emo.” This really upsets me because I am not emo, I have depression which is a real disease. I should probably go back on my meds, but can’t force myself to do so. I feel hopeless. I am also slowly losing my faith, which scares me. I am mostly mad at myself though for this, but often question how long I have to suffer for. People tell me to look to God, read my Bible, which I have actually been doing more of. But I am apathetical. Say for example I read Job and then realize that this is God testing me. I’ll understand that for awhile, but then I get sad again and don’t understand. I am lost and I don’t know what to do!

Heya bro,

Well sounds like you have weight of high expectations and worry on your shoulders. Parents want you to have that degree so you can be sucessful, but like you said that unsure of direction. Your brother thinks you are on same level as he is, but he can not relate to your situation thou.

Ok what is important? Finding your path in life and find happiness in your life. Some people can grow up knowing what they want to be, then there are others(like myself) who just can't put their finger on it. We all have gifts, just unlocking them is hard part. Maybe take a few months off from college, pick up a job keep you afloat, and on the side donate time to church or cause that you like. They need help, dont be afraid and take up whatever job they need filled. Never know might find you have gifts in other areas.

Keep building your relationship with God. Job is an excellent example, where we are put in very difficult trials. You can be like Job and curse at God or you can realize that God is trying to teach you something. Keep reading your bible, keep asking questions, keep seeking answers. As Jesus says they will come to you but got keep knocking on doors.

All I can tell you is that self hate is your worse enemy. Do not be impatient with yourself, forgive yourself when you get fustrated with your own actions. You are human and will stumble a lot, but have to be patient with yourself. Keep hope that you will find your way, just going to take some time to get there.

BTW on loneliness aspect. Don't go seeking a relationship right now unless God puts you in that situation. Focus on getting out more and meeting new people. True friends are what fill in the void within, not a wife. Right now sounds like you haven't found a true friend yet. Someone who knows who you are and does help you out at times as you do the same for them. Right now you intentionally distance yourself, and you already know how well that is working.

Realize you are not the only one with problems. EVERYONE has problems, just some are deeper than others. You are not alone by a long shot.

PM me if I can be a further help bro. Keep your head up, and keep praying to God for understanding. He has helped me and I am sure he will help you.

 

[Gatorgal]

Hang in there. I know right where you are, been there. Reading your Bible and praying are very important but sometimes when I am in the middle of a depression it is hard to feel God. But don't stop!!!! Call out to him. I am in Christian theropy right now. It really does help to have someone to talk to. Also I like to write down how I am feeling. I then can go back on a good day and see how blessed I really am. Like I said, hang in there.

 

[ritlin]

Depression sucks and trying to find affordable counseling sucks even more. You should get some though. As a friend told me once, don't let yourself slide any lower. Look for professional help now. Call your county or city social services department and see what they have in terms of sliding fees for therapy. Also, I learned not to depend on a relationship to "make me happy". No one is able to completely fulfill another person's needs. My faith is at its lowest point ever. I hope God will show you the light- at least to some good affordable therapy. Social service agencies usually have psychiatrists if you are thinking about restarting meds. Meds are OK to help you get out of the well so you can start working on things. They haven't solved my problems and I still have some very low lows, but they don't last as long and I can work with my therapist better. I'll be thinking of you, and praying if I can ever get back to that.

 

[ucanshine]

If it's any consolation I can tell you that are millions of people who know what you are going through, myself included. There does not seem to be much cure for it, except to take each day as it comes and enjoy the little things. I think that life is just plain difficult (as scott peck said), and much of my discontent comes from wanting and thinking it should be easier, and hating the fact that life is difficult and sux the majority of the time. Hopefully if I can come to not expect to much from it my path will be a little less stressed!

 

[notcfmodobviously]

I'm a guy buddy, but you are a VERY, VERY NICE PERSON. I can tell that immediately. You're really genuine and sincere. **** them all, I would suggest trying mirtazapine (apparently the best but I'm not sure, it has really helped me you just initially get an anti-histamine effect, some people seem to get side effects - I think usually probably coz they took more than 45mg/1.5 tablets: I would suggest that dosage if you are trying it (or lower) - but it's alot gentler than most anti-depressants) or another one, coz that can work miracles especially when one's life is falling apart, believe me I know. I wouldn't try to contact me (I'm sorry for that), but I want you to know, I believe in you, and I'll see you some day, my friend.

 

[notcfmodobviously]

I meant those calling you emo etc

 

[stutiw]

I understand how must be feeling right now. The best way, I know you dont like to socialize just go around and make friends, you can change yourself and it is in your hands. I have been through a lot in my life, but one day Got out of my bed and I said to myself, 'God loves me and I want to be different' I changed myself completely and realized the difference later on.

 

[MetalBlade]

Thank you all for your kind words and support. I really think what would help me out is to open up to more people and possibly in the future see a therapist. I'll probably look into this when I move back home in August, so until then I'll just have to fight the good fight! Thanks all again! It's easy to think you are the only one feeling this way until you see, or in this case hear, stories of others in the same position!

 

[silverheartedkristi]

maybe you should try going back on meds? i know that this has been the only thing for a few people i know.