Fiance masturbates and it causes insecurity for me

I also think masturbation is healthy, it's the porn that's the problem. The easiest solution is a net nanny. Like what parents get. It blocks out all the naughty stuff so he can surf the internet without temptation

Congrats on the engagement by the way.

Sketcher said:

You shouldn't have ANY access to the router. You shouldn't know the password, you shouldn't be able to get to it under any circumstances. If you're being tempted by having Internet access, you need to either have absolute zero access to the router or absolute zero access to the Internet.

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It's a problem when it's your and you set it up and everything.
It's not a problem anymore. Praise God,I had stumbled for a while bit not anymore.

Vico said:

Those who practice sexual immorality don't make it to heaven. If masturbates and looks at porn as a daily life, I would question his salvation.

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What exactly is this nonsense? The price for sexual immorality was the same as the price paid for your judgment of other people. If you can find a scriptural backing that proves otherwise throw it at me. Otherwise, I sincerely suggest you take a STRONG glance in the mirror and realize that you have plenty of sin to go around.

Melethiel said:

You only get the vasocongestion problem if you start and don't finish, and even then, the discomfort is temporary. To say that the majority of men need to have "release" on a regular basis is simply false, unless you can provide a good study to the contrary.

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Windmill is on the right track. There are very noticeable physiological changes (though none permanent or explicitly painful) that arise from not masturbating for a while after being in the habit. Increased heartrate, tension, irritability, quickness to anger and furthermore assuming that it is a conscious effort to stop you can throw in guilt, sadness, and depression in the mix which all have their own physiological response.

To OP: My advice (though most likely outdated) is to express your views in a setting you both feel comfortable with and try to reach a compromise. You have to understand that while all the haters of this man on the forums may not have this problem, MANY men, many GOOD men have this problem and it is not necessarily indicative of a desire for other women or of future infidelity. The fact that he is praying WITH you about it is hopefully an indication that he wants to be a part of a loving committed relationship with YOU and you alone.

The porn may be more the issue long term than masturbation.

John
NZ

For starters, stop talking about it and thinking about it all the time!!! Are you asking him every day if he touched himself? This is just plain unhealthy. It's not good for you, or him or your relationship. While trying to be pure, there's and awful lot of emphasis on his genitalia!

If you are of a mind that a good Christian husbands will never mastrubate, never fantasize, never have in impure thought, your expectations are unrealistic and there is no way he can meet that standard. If that's how you feel, break off the engagement now; things that are going to devestate you are almost guaranteed to happen.

I think you should really look at the fact of if you feel like marrying someone who will struggle with a porn addiction possibly for the rest of his life? Has he gotten counseling? I would hold off on the marriage until there is more security....sometimes dealing with sex addictions is too hard on the other spouse..it causes insecurity, doubt and anxiety etc...how are you going to feel after you do start having sex and he is still looking at porn and masturbating then?

My question is why exactly does his masturbating make you feel insecure?

And if masturbation helps him to resist the tempation to obsessively look at porn, that's not a bad thing.

leothelioness said:

And if masturbation helps him to resist the tempation to obsessively look at porn, that's not a bad thing.

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It doesn't work that way.

Well, apparently it does for him. He claims it keeps him from viewing porn. Besides, I don't see anything wrong with masturbation. The whole "you can't touch without lust" argument is bull.

Yeah.

That also tends to support those who argued for relief being an OK motive until a the legitimate expression is permissible.

John
NZ

Luther073082 said:

This might sound a bit hypocritical but here are my thoughts.

I think touching yourself usually involves the sin of lust. The only time when it doesn't is I belive that married couples may touch while thinking about their partner if sexual activities with their partner are not practical at that particular time.

I disagree, and if one disagrees with this postulate then the rest of your arguments fall apart.

That having been said, I think its a struggle a lot of unmarried Christians have to deal with and probably one that is a bit difficult to win. So we should approach this as a sin of weakness.

You win it by actually having sex instead of going through a bunch of theatrics, the bible says if you burn with passion you should marry.

That having been said, I don't think you have too much to be concerned about in terms of your relationship. If he didn't find you attractive it is unlikely that he would still be engaged to you.

I'm not trying to condone sin here. But the problem is, from a practicality standpoint I think nearly everyone has certain pet sins that are difficult if not impossible for them to give up.

touching yourself is a common one of those. So as long as you can accept that with him and try to avoid negative thoughts and worries about it. Then your relationship will probably be fine.

Besides you seem to have no evidence that it is not you that he is lusting after. I would err on presuming the best in this situation.

I don't want to pretend like everything is A OK with all of this. But at the same time I really can't pretend its realistic for him to just stop masterbating as well.

Physical Activity may help some in the short term as it will distract him, but I'm not sure how much it will help over the long term. Realistically being in good physical shape in the long term only increases sex drive, it does not decrease it.

As the bible indicates, its better to marry then to burn in lust. The only long term solution to lust is marriage and marital sex.

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In red

gzt said:

Windmill - that's really not quite true about males.

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Are you a medical doctor, if not then your opinion is irrelevant. As a male I have had these pains before and they suck.

Windmill said:

OK, I am not going to debate this any further, I am sorry for the sake of the OP that I even brought it up I think we should return to specific advice to the OP rather than debate health/science

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Its hard to discuss science and/or medical issues when few on here have the credentials to even refute such things. People post random studies rather than having any actual credientials. As an engineer I dont need some social science study to know what I observe or someone to tell me that natural biology is morally wrong.

highlife said:

Are you a medical doctor, if not then your opinion is irrelevant. As a male I have had these pains before and they suck.

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As a man I haven't had these pains before... guess we're back at the beginning.

highlife said:

Are you a medical doctor, if not then your opinion is irrelevant. As a male I have had these pains before and they suck.

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I would respond, but I'm not a medical doctor, so you wouldn't read it (there are a few other similar professions that would also be qualified to comment, and a pulmonologist wouldn't really have much to say about it, but I'm not in any of those professions). I don't dispute the fact of "blue balls", I dispute her account and interpretation of the phenomenon, ditto for "wet dreams".

gzt said:

I would respond, but I'm not a medical doctor, so you wouldn't read it (there are a few other similar professions that would also be qualified to comment, and a pulmonologist wouldn't really have much to say about it, but I'm not in any of those professions). I don't dispute the fact of "blue balls", I dispute her account and interpretation of the phenomenon, ditto for "wet dreams".

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The reason for my comment is because you did dispute it. Also I have experienced it, its actually a welcome pain when you have a wife to take care of it quickly because you know the release is going to be amazing. But just to sit there with it not a fun expereince. So if your going to dispute something that people observe and expereince your going to have to do better than present crack pot studies or your own unprofessional opinion. Also wet dreams dont cut it, "blue balls" as you put it can interfere with your sleep, work performance, mental performance, demenor, it effects your whole life and can make life miserable so to just preface you comments with "yea its going to be difficult ... but" does not cut the mustard. People were designed by God to have sex not to fart around with purity seminars and rings and listen to some asexual wierdo give a speach on it, you get married and you get it on.

Of course there is a whole other discussion on attitudes of women in the USA which make it almost impossible to marry as a virgin and live happily ever after without test driving before you buy but thats a whole other discussion.

I have heard from male friends....blue balls might be "difficult to deal with" due to the pressure feeling..but it will go away even without [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse]..its like swelling it eventually goes down on its own or you get over it....the blue ball thing has been used alot in guilt tripping a woman in order to sleep with a man lol

Forealzchola said:

I have heard from male friends....blue balls might be "difficult to deal with" due to the pressure feeling..but it will go away even without [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse]..its like swelling it eventually goes down on its own or you get over it....the blue ball thing has been used alot in guilt tripping a woman in order to sleep with a man lol

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I disagree, it just stops getting worse at a certian point but it never returns to the same feeling as having regular ejaculations.

CCinoklahoma87 said:

Hey everyone, long time no post here I know, but I've been struggling with an issue lately. I am engaged (since over 1 month ago) to a wonderful man, heart for God and everything. Except he has had struggles with pornography since way before i even met him, I knew about it soon before we started dating and were just getting to know one another. He's been very good about it though, and with Gods' strength he hasnt looked at anything in over 2 months now, however in the past both me and him have gotten tempted and have done things unmarried Christian couples aren't supposed to do. It never got far enough to escalate to sexual intercourse, because we both made a promise to God to stop, and chose to fight harder against temptations. But still these things we did do had a profound affect on me, and since abruptly stopping them I've been obsessing over a certain thing. My fiance still masturbates, and althugh he hasn't been looking at pornography, It still makes me very insecure because I wonder whether or not he is thinking of the things he has seen in the past, and thus it makes me frustrated and I feel weaker to fight off temptations to do things with him to reaffirm myself that he still finds me attractive, sexy, desirable etc. And I end up masturbating myself to control it. I honestly feel like this whole thing applies to the words of Paul in Corinthians 8:13, about avoiding anything that causes anther person to falter. I am trying to find a way to explain to him how I feel, without seeiming controlling or embarrassing him because he does feel ashamed about it, as he has been timid about the whole thing. He does say that masturbating without pornography on a regula basis keeps him from being tempted to look at it bc it releases the sexual tension that builds up. However it still makes me feel insecure. We even pray everynight before bed, and that does give me some security. I am just lost on what to do. I think if he did more physical exercise it might be a good subsititute as well. What are y'alls thoughts? Can he stop masturbating or is best he does it as long as he isnt looking/thinking about bad things? I know myself I have some issues to tackle, mostly insecurity and self esteem issues as well. thank you all in advance!

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I tried to read every response but got too frustrated, so if I missed something important, I apologize. I am also married and so if I am not to be here posting, please correct me gently, and I will go away.

When I read this OP, I see feelings and emotions that I fought with for years and years when my own husband was addicted to porn and masturbating. First let me say that it is not going to stop until or unless God takes it away by your fiances yielding it over to God and allowing HIm to transform his life. Let me also say that according to the heart of the law (biblical) it is a sin. Of this, I have been convinced after talking to a knowledgeable person about the matter from a biblical standpoint.

But the real topic I see here is your feelings and emotions. There is a scripture that tells us that sexual sin is caused by low self esteem. Look at your own admission, it is your self esteem that drove you to touch.

So I have a couple of suggestions for you, from someone who has been down that road. 1. build up your fiance's self esteem...there are lots of ways to do this, but one I like is to think of and write a note of something you love about him every day. Give this note to him, and watch God change him as He changes you. (also keep in mind that primarily men get self worth from providing for the family unit, therefore it is important to include such notes in your list)
2. when we go back to Gen. we see that the man primarily get's his worth from work, the woman however gets her worth from pleasing or satisfying the husband, from being his helpmate...this is where your feelings are coming from. Because you sense you are not satisfying your "fella" your self worth is plummeting. So you need to understand, who you are to your fiance as well as understanding that this is not because of you or anything you did or do or did not or do not do. The issues are not part of one another....
3. above all else, pray and talk, always keeping a means of avoiding temptations of all kinds, both between yourselves and individually with porn and masturbation issues. The bible tells us to flee from sexual temptations...do what it takes to remain pure and as you do, pray, and speak openly and with painful honesty with each other. It is only when we put ourselves on the line with this type honesty that we really learn how very much we really are loved.

Well, I better stop there, I'm not even sure I have a right to post a reply

May you find Christ in the midst of your struggles and peace in the midst of this storm.