Fiance masturbates and it causes insecurity for me

[CCinoklahoma87]

Hey everyone, long time no post here I know, but I've been struggling with an issue lately. I am engaged (since over 1 month ago) to a wonderful man, heart for God and everything. Except he has had struggles with inappropriate contentography since way before i even met him, I knew about it soon before we started dating and were just getting to know one another. He's been very good about it though, and with Gods' strength he hasnt looked at anything in over 2 months now, however in the past both me and him have gotten tempted and have done things unmarried Christian couples aren't supposed to do. It never got far enough to escalate to sexual intercourse, because we both made a promise to God to stop, and chose to fight harder against temptations. But still these things we did do had a profound affect on me, and since abruptly stopping them I've been obsessing over a certain thing. My fiance still masturbates, and althugh he hasn't been looking at inappropriate contentography, It still makes me very insecure because I wonder whether or not he is thinking of the things he has seen in the past, and thus it makes me frustrated and I feel weaker to fight off temptations to do things with him to reaffirm myself that he still finds me attractive, sexy, desirable etc. And I end up masturbating myself to control it. I honestly feel like this whole thing applies to the words of Paul in Corinthians 8:13, about avoiding anything that causes anther person to falter. I am trying to find a way to explain to him how I feel, without seeiming controlling or embarrassing him because he does feel ashamed about it, as he has been timid about the whole thing. He does say that masturbating without inappropriate contentography on a regula basis keeps him from being tempted to look at it bc it releases the sexual tension that builds up. However it still makes me feel insecure. We even pray everynight before bed, and that does give me some security. I am just lost on what to do. I think if he did more physical exercise it might be a good subsititute as well. What are y'alls thoughts? Can he stop masturbating or is best he does it as long as he isnt looking/thinking about bad things? I know myself I have some issues to tackle, mostly insecurity and self esteem issues as well. thank you all in advance!

 

[Luther073082]

This might sound a bit hypocritical but here are my thoughts.

I think touching yourself usually involves the sin of lust. The only time when it doesn't is I belive that married couples may touch while thinking about their partner if sexual activities with their partner are not practical at that particular time.

That having been said, I think its a struggle a lot of unmarried Christians have to deal with and probably one that is a bit difficult to win. So we should approach this as a sin of weakness.

That having been said, I don't think you have too much to be concerned about in terms of your relationship. If he didn't find you attractive it is unlikely that he would still be engaged to you.

I'm not trying to condone sin here. But the problem is, from a practicality standpoint I think nearly everyone has certain pet sins that are difficult if not impossible for them to give up.

touching yourself is a common one of those. So as long as you can accept that with him and try to avoid negative thoughts and worries about it. Then your relationship will probably be fine.

Besides you seem to have no evidence that it is not you that he is lusting after. I would err on presuming the best in this situation.

I don't want to pretend like everything is A OK with all of this. But at the same time I really can't pretend its realistic for him to just stop masterbating as well.

Physical Activity may help some in the short term as it will distract him, but I'm not sure how much it will help over the long term. Realistically being in good physical shape in the long term only increases sex drive, it does not decrease it.

As the bible indicates, its better to marry then to burn in lust. The only long term solution to lust is marriage and marital sex.

 

[Windmill]

Hey everyone, long time no post here I know, but I've been struggling with an issue lately. I am engaged (since over 1 month ago) to a wonderful man, heart for God and everything. Except he has had struggles with inappropriate contentography since way before i even met him, I knew about it soon before we started dating and were just getting to know one another. He's been very good about it though, and with Gods' strength he hasnt looked at anything in over 2 months now, however in the past both me and him have gotten tempted and have done things unmarried Christian couples aren't supposed to do. It never got far enough to escalate to sexual intercourse, because we both made a promise to God to stop, and chose to fight harder against temptations. But still these things we did do had a profound affect on me, and since abruptly stopping them I've been obsessing over a certain thing. My fiance still masturbates, and althugh he hasn't been looking at inappropriate contentography, It still makes me very insecure because I wonder whether or not he is thinking of the things he has seen in the past, and thus it makes me frustrated and I feel weaker to fight off temptations to do things with him to reaffirm myself that he still finds me attractive, sexy, desirable etc. And I end up masturbating myself to control it. I honestly feel like this whole thing applies to the words of Paul in Corinthians 8:13, about avoiding anything that causes anther person to falter. I am trying to find a way to explain to him how I feel, without seeiming controlling or embarrassing him because he does feel ashamed about it, as he has been timid about the whole thing. He does say that masturbating without inappropriate contentography on a regula basis keeps him from being tempted to look at it bc it releases the sexual tension that builds up. However it still makes me feel insecure. We even pray everynight before bed, and that does give me some security. I am just lost on what to do. I think if he did more physical exercise it might be a good subsititute as well. What are y'alls thoughts? Can he stop masturbating or is best he does it as long as he isnt looking/thinking about bad things? I know myself I have some issues to tackle, mostly insecurity and self esteem issues as well. thank you all in advance!

I would say he should continue to do so because, especially for males, they really kind of need it. They start to get phyisically uncomfortable and it starts to physically hurt if they don't get a release on a regular basis. The fact that it physically hurts is definitely a sign that the body needs the release!

All potential moral issues aside, I can understand why you might feel insecure why does he think about the girls in the inappropriate content, when he supposedly loves you? Does he want them more than he wants you? These are all awkward and hard questions. But in the end, even if he does think about them, there is a difference between fantasy and reality. The fantasy is he probably wouldn't mind a no-strings attached and no-moral-issues sexual encounter with them. But its only sex. And he would much rather not have that than hurt you. And he only wants you to be his partner. He loves you, he is in-love with you. And I'm sure you yourself have many similar feelings too in regards to other guys.

He thinks about you all the time, he loves you all the time, you are his absolutely favourite.

 

[DrFrank]

There is a very practical moral solution here.If the two of you weren't sleeping together you wouldn't be aware of any masturbation,your insecurity would decrease and most important this evil would stop, "both me and him have gotten tempted and have done things unmarried Christian couples aren't supposed to do "

 

[gzt]

Windmill - that's really not quite true about males.

 

[twins15]

I would say he should continue to do so because, especially for males, they really kind of need it. They start to get phyisically uncomfortable and it starts to physically hurt if they don't get a release on a regular basis. The fact that it physically hurts is definitely a sign that the body needs the release!

That is actually not really true at all. I am sure it would be tough for him to stop, but that is what he needs to do. Apart from the fact that he should sacrifice for his fiancee (that is what love is all about), he is sinning every time he masturbates. Hopefully he can come to his senses, seek God's help, and get past this problem that can asbolutely destroy relationships if it is not solved.

 

[Windmill]

Tell that to scientists and doctors people! My statement was a generalization, there are always exceptions/minorities, of course. The condition is made far worse when people actually engage in intercourse and don't "finish", but for many males, prolonged arousal results in vasocongestion. This is why guys who don't touch tend to get more wet dreams.

If you don't choose to touch, your body essentially does the job for you.

 

[Vico]

Dump him for your own good. Know this, he once you marry he will never stop looking at inappropriate contentography or masturbating. I assure you after 3 years married, hell go back to inappropriate content.

Look here for real life accounts.

Support Board; forum - Partners Forum

 

[Teemu]

I would say he should continue to do so because, especially for males, they really kind of need it. They start to get phyisically uncomfortable and it starts to physically hurt if they don't get a release on a regular basis. The fact that it physically hurts is definitely a sign that the body needs the release!

All potential moral issues aside, I can understand why you might feel insecure why does he think about the girls in the inappropriate content, when he supposedly loves you? Does he want them more than he wants you? These are all awkward and hard questions. But in the end, even if he does think about them, there is a difference between fantasy and reality. The fantasy is he probably wouldn't mind a no-strings attached and no-moral-issues sexual encounter with them. But its only sex. And he would much rather not have that than hurt you. And he only wants you to be his partner. He loves you, he is in-love with you. And I'm sure you yourself have many similar feelings too in regards to other guys.

He thinks about you all the time, he loves you all the time, you are his absolutely favourite.

Men certainly don't need inappropriate contentography for masturbation. Men don't even need lustful thoughts for masturbation if it isn't daily hobby, just physical stimulus is enough when there is some real pressure. inappropriate content use dulls you, though somewhat slower and different way than sleeping around with different people. You can find lots of horror stories from partners of inappropriate content addicts, whether it is their lack of will to do any real fore play, inability to perform without inappropriate content film running on the background or general lack of interest to partner.

 

[Avniel]

Dump him for your own good. Know this, he once you marry he will never stop looking at inappropriate contentography or masturbating. I assure you after 3 years married, hell go back to inappropriate content.

Look here for real life accounts.

Support Board; forum - Partners Forum

I CAN DO ALL THINGS THROUGH CHRIST WHO STREGTHENS ME.

You can't say that you are not the Son, Father or the Holy Ghost.

Judge not others..........

 

[Sketcher]

The problem I see isn't the masturbation so much (when you get married, you can do it together) but the inappropriate content. He needs to completely cut it out of his life. Two months clean is great and all, but unless he plays hardball with it, he'll relapse, believe me. I don't know what kind of inappropriate content he looks at, but unfortunately inappropriate content progresses. If he doesn't deal with it now, he'll be looking at some sick stuff he never would have considered looking at when he started. This of course, could have profound effects on you, none of them healthy.

Now, I'll bet he wants to make this work. So that's going to mean the both of you will probably need to make some sacrifices in order for this to happen. Things like cutting out the Internet completely, if that's where he gets it. If I had a silver bullet solution, I would share it with you right now, but I really don't think such a solution exists. God has to work, and nothing that we do will force his hand.

The further removed he is from inappropriate content, the less he'll think about it. But those thoughts can be stubborn. They won't go away after two months, but after six months to a year he might forget some of what he used to look at, assuming they're not his favorites. New stuff has got to push out the old.

 

[Melethiel]

Tell that to scientists and doctors people! My statement was a generalization, there are always exceptions/minorities, of course. The condition is made far worse when people actually engage in intercourse and don't "finish", but for many males, prolonged arousal results in vasocongestion. This is why guys who don't touch tend to get more wet dreams.

If you don't choose to touch, your body essentially does the job for you.

You only get the vasocongestion problem if you start and don't finish, and even then, the discomfort is temporary. To say that the majority of men need to have "release" on a regular basis is simply false, unless you can provide a good study to the contrary.

 

[Vico]

Those who practice sexual immorality don't make it to heaven. If masturbates and looks at inappropriate content as a daily life, I would question his salvation.

 

[Sketcher]

Those who practice sexual immorality don't make it to heaven. If masturbates and looks at inappropriate content as a daily life, I would question his salvation.

If someone claims not to do that at all, I would question his honesty.

 

[ponderingnwandering]

"All have sinned and fall short of the glory of God"

It's by grace and faith alone in Jesus Christ that one is saved. Does it make it right to continually look at inappropriate content? No. Does that mean they aren't saved and are lost to sin? No. Does that mean they need help to break the addiction? Yes. Unless John 3:16 is a lie...

 

[twins15]

You only get the vasocongestion problem if you start and don't finish, and even then, the discomfort is temporary. To say that the majority of men need to have "release" on a regular basis is simply false, unless you can provide a good study to the contrary.

Exactly... thank you.

If someone claims not to do that at all, I would question his honesty.

I don't!

 

[Windmill]

OK, I am not going to debate this any further, I am sorry for the sake of the OP that I even brought it up I think we should return to specific advice to the OP rather than debate health/science

 

[pressingon17]

Dump him for your own good. Know this, he once you marry he will never stop looking at inappropriate contentography or masturbating. I assure you after 3 years married, hell go back to inappropriate content.

Look here for real life accounts.

Support Board; forum - Partners Forum

Wow..that is one of the harshest things I've seen in a while,he can stop, it's never impossible,I stopped for my fiance, I can honestly say that with God all things are possible.And when the temptation arises, turn off the computer or in my case, unplug the router.

 

[Sketcher]

Wow..that is one of the harshest things I've seen in a while,he can stop, it's never impossible,I stopped for my fiance, I can honestly say that with God all things are possible.And when the temptation arises, turn off the computer or in my case, unplug the router.

You shouldn't have ANY access to the router. You shouldn't know the password, you shouldn't be able to get to it under any circumstances. If you're being tempted by having Internet access, you need to either have absolute zero access to the router or absolute zero access to the Internet.

 

[JCFantasy23]

Hey everyone, long time no post here I know, but I've been struggling with an issue lately. I am engaged (since over 1 month ago) to a wonderful man, heart for God and everything. Except he has had struggles with inappropriate contentography since way before i even met him, I knew about it soon before we started dating and were just getting to know one another. He's been very good about it though, and with Gods' strength he hasnt looked at anything in over 2 months now, however in the past both me and him have gotten tempted and have done things unmarried Christian couples aren't supposed to do. It never got far enough to escalate to sexual intercourse, because we both made a promise to God to stop, and chose to fight harder against temptations. But still these things we did do had a profound affect on me, and since abruptly stopping them I've been obsessing over a certain thing. My fiance still masturbates, and althugh he hasn't been looking at inappropriate contentography, It still makes me very insecure because I wonder whether or not he is thinking of the things he has seen in the past, and thus it makes me frustrated and I feel weaker to fight off temptations to do things with him to reaffirm myself that he still finds me attractive, sexy, desirable etc. And I end up masturbating myself to control it. I honestly feel like this whole thing applies to the words of Paul in Corinthians 8:13, about avoiding anything that causes anther person to falter. I am trying to find a way to explain to him how I feel, without seeiming controlling or embarrassing him because he does feel ashamed about it, as he has been timid about the whole thing. He does say that masturbating without inappropriate contentography on a regula basis keeps him from being tempted to look at it bc it releases the sexual tension that builds up. However it still makes me feel insecure. We even pray everynight before bed, and that does give me some security. I am just lost on what to do. I think if he did more physical exercise it might be a good subsititute as well. What are y'alls thoughts? Can he stop masturbating or is best he does it as long as he isnt looking/thinking about bad things? I know myself I have some issues to tackle, mostly insecurity and self esteem issues as well. thank you all in advance!

I'm one of those Christians who sees no issue with masturbation. Still, if it is bothering you this much, hopefully the two of you can talk this out and maybe come to some sort of compromise. It seems to me it's not the masturbation per se that bothers you so much, but the fact that it may in some way be linked to the previous inappropriate content addiction. Be honest about it - as I'm sure you have been - and hopefully with discussion a resolution can be made.