I don't know how to start this other than I think my inappropriate content addiction is causing a great deal of anxiety and emotional upheaval in my life. It's a sin that I keep reverting to, no matter how many times I pray for forgiveness and promise not to do it again. Just doing quick browse of this board, it looks like inappropriate content addiction is the #1 struggle here, but it's hard to find women struggling with it.
It started when I was around 16 and inappropriate content was becoming pervasive on the internet. Finding erotic fiction online was fairly easy, and my parents accidentally caught me reading it one day. I wasn't at the computer, but I'd forgotten to close out the window, and I was the only who'd been home using the computer. I fiercely denied it had been me, and tried to make some excuse about a spam site coming up. They dropped it and I didn't get in trouble, but I think they knew the truth.
Soon I discovered inappropriate contentographic pictures and videos, and even stole my parent's credit card once to sign up for a inappropriate content site. It had a free trial, so I made sure to cancel the subscription before their card was charged and it showed up on their statement. Eventually, I got my own credit card and signed up. Then sites like inappropriate contenthub came along, and suddenly everything was free, more plentiful, and easier to access.
To this day I switch up between erotic fiction online, video, and audio inappropriate content...whatever I'm in the mood for. It's desensitized me to sex, to foul language, and I've used it to replace a real relationship. In fact, I've never been intimate with another person, even though I crave that closeness. There are other issues that have affected my choice to remain single, so I think I've been relying on inappropriate content to provide that stimulation that I'm lacking in reality.
Part of me tries to justify it with being single. Married people and people in relationships can rely on one another for sexual stimulation, and it's almost impossible to achieve with basically no external source. However, I know the Bible is against lust and God intended sex to be shared within marriage...which is why I've not actually had sex with another person. Despite everything else, I'm still a virgin. That's really hard to admit at 39.
I can remember being instinctively fascinated with "sex" even as early as 4 years old. I had no idea what sex was until I was around 11 or 12, but you know how kids get curious and experiment. Well, that happened with other kids my age. It was all innocent, but I remember having lots of thoughts and desires as a kid skewed towards things of a sexual nature. I never had any adults abuse me or molest me, and none of the adults I was around would have ever approved of some of the stuff us kids did - even if we never went THAT far with things.
So here I am 20+ years later still stuck in a inappropriate contentography addiction. Every time I reach for my phone when I'm in the mood, I know I'm sinning and I know I promised God I wouldn't keep doing this. I know I'll feel bad about it later, and I'm afraid of punishment from God for continuing this sin. One thing I don't know is what to do about it. It's almost like I don't want to give it up because then I'll be forced to either be alone, or face the terrifying prospect of having to find a real partner. Today's been awful. I've felt anxious and depressed all day, which isn't uncommon after indulging in this addiction.
Do you know that you are THIRSTY?
Why you have not COME TO THE LORD and DRINK.
Have you heard what the woman from Samaria have said to Jesus:
The woman answered him, "I HAVE NO HUSBAND." Jesus said to her, "You are right in saying, 'I have no husband'; -John 4:17
So what this woman from Samaria is concerned AFTER THAT:
The woman said to him, "Sir, I perceive that you are a prophet. -John 4:19
Our fathers WORSHIPED on this mountain, but you say that in Jerusalem is the place where people ought to WORSHIP." -John 4:20
This woman from Samaria is also looking to fix her relationship with God !
What Jesus have said :
But the hour is coming, and is now here, when the true worshipers will worship the Father in spirit and truth, FOR THE FATHER IS SEEKING SUCH PEOPLE TO WORSHIP HIM. -John 4:23
God IS SPIRIT, and those who WORSHIP HIM MUST WORSHIP IN SPIRIT AND TRUTH." -John 4:24
So if you wholeheartedly want to fix your relationship with God, WORSHIP HIM IN SPIRIT AND IN TRUTH !
So, spend your time worshiping God !
Why ? Are you not concerned about your complicated identity? Is not this woman from Samaria also have identity problem too : with five husbands and one is not considered a husband?
Did she not concern herself with carnal pleasure ?
What Jesus have offered her ?
Jesus said to her, "Everyone who drinks of this water will be thirsty again, -John 4:13
but WHOEVER drinks of the water that I will give him WILL NEVER BE THIRSTY AGAIN. THE WATER THAT I WILL GIVE him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life." -John 4:14
So when you worship God, you identify yourself with God. Your mind identify yourself with God, as you have heard from Jesus that God is Spirit. When you worship, you identify yourself with the things of the Spirit or God.
You will find your identity through God.
What is the things of the Spirit?
His steadfast love, His mercy, His faithfulness, His strength, His loving kindness, His goodness, His gentleness, His majesty, His splendor, His glory, etc.
You grew up in the church ! You must have known about faith ! Yes, faith comes from hearing of God. But the words of faith, you need to speak out with trust in your heart; how you are going that? by singing, praising, and worshiping God ! Many biblical songs are taken from the Bible ! Speak your word of faith through worshiping God in spirit and truth.
Also, don’t stop asking God daily for forgiveness. After you have asked for forgiveness, worship God daily !
How about those anxiety?
Just pray a short prayer:
I submit myself to God. I resist all anxiety, shame, guilt, and condemnation in the name of Jesus Christ. Amen
when you are disturbed with thoughts and feelings of anxiety, shame, guilt, and condemnation, just pray again and again. You will see the devil flee.
How you can be strong and overcomer?
This is what we have heard from apostle John; I believe it could be addressed to young woman, too:
I write to you, young men, because you are strong, and THE WORD OF GOD ABIDES IN YOU, and you HAVE OVERCOME the evil one. -1 John 2:14
So the reason, you have not overcome before is that you are distancing yourself from the word of God and that the word of God have not abide in you !
I don’t suggest one bible verse one day; I will be asking you again : are you thirsty? So if you are thirsty, why you consider drinking only one drip ! That is crazy, right !
Hear again what Jesus have said:
It is the Spirit who gives life; the flesh is no help at all. The WORDS that I have spoken to you are SPIRIT and life. -John 6:63
So if you wholeheartedly want to overcome evil, let the words that Jesus have spoken abide in you.
How ?
This is what we have heard:
For those who live according to the flesh set their minds on the things of the flesh, but those who live according to the Spirit set their minds on the things of the Spirit. -Romans 8:5
So you need to set your minds on the things of the Spirit, that is, the words that Jesus have spoken.
So whenever severe temptations come, pray for forgiveness, pray to resist the devil, deny yourself by setting your minds on the things of the Spirit, that is, His words.
Remember :ALL SCRIPTURE IS BREATHED OUT BY GOD and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, and for training in righteousness, -2 Timothy 3:16
that the man of God may be COMPLETE, equipped for every GOOD WORK. -2 Timothy 3:17
So it means that God is speaking through His Spirit in all Scripture to you, in order that you may be complete as a woman, as a wife, as a mother, as a daughter and daughter-in-law, as child of God, as God’s beloved, as Jesus’ bride, and of course, God equip you for every good work in these matters if you believe Him.
So are you thirsty ?