"Female Equality"

[somethingBEAUTIFUL]

In the past 2 weeks, my boyfriend has stated twice that he believes in "female equality" in the relationship.

One time was related to my safety on the road when traveling to see him, especially about the time I choose to leave his house and drive the 2-plus hours back to mine. Last time I was there he complained because I left before 8 p.m. Many times in the past I've not left until 10 or even 11. I realized that was using poor judgement though.

The other time was this past weekend, when he wanted me to meet him in a central location between his mom's and my place, when he very well could have driven the 15 extra minutes to pick me up. He acted as if I was asking a lot of him in just wanting to be picked up for an outing after we hadn't seen each other in 2 whole weeks.

Thoughts?

P.S. I literally researched "female equality." No such thing really. However, there IS "gender equality" which is primarily used in the workplace.

 

[iambren]

This sounds less like equality and more like an argument. You each were free to make your own decisions and you did. Where's the inequality?

 

[LinkH]

This is something you want to think through before marriage. I believe in the husband being the head in the marriage, and I take the commands for women to submit to their husbands in Ephesians 5, Colossians 3 and I Peter 3 seriously.

On the surface, it may seem like a man with a traditional view of these things would have difficulty marrying a woman who does not have a traditional view, but women with traditional views would be okay with a man who is not traditional and who is more egalitarian. But I don't think that's always the case.

Along with the traditional views of headship and submission, a traditional approach usually involves the idea of the man protecting the woman and providing for her. If a man is really into gender egalitarianism, he might not see it as necessary to open a door for a woman or escort her home (for safety).

My mindset is that it's my responsibility to provide financially for my wife, so I wouldn't want to force her to get a job (especially with all the child care duties going on.) But someone heavily into gender egalitarianism may think that way and may expect half of the rent and other expenses. For me, from a traditional mindset, we just have a common purse so to speak.

It's something to think about. If you want someone with a provider/protector mentality, you probably want someone who would drive a few extra miles to pick you up rather than insist you meet on neutral territory.

 

[somethingBEAUTIFUL]

This sounds less like equality and more like an argument. You each were free to make your own decisions and you did. Where's the inequality?

Spot on. I feel like it is a type of argument too. He is using it in the wrong way though- to get his preferred 'way'. One time I didn't give in, but another I did.

 

[somethingBEAUTIFUL]

This is something you want to think through before marriage. I believe in the husband being the head in the marriage, and I take the commands for women to submit to their husbands in Ephesians 5, Colossians 3 and I Peter 3 seriously.

On the surface, it may seem like a man with a traditional view of these things would have difficulty marrying a woman who does not have a traditional view, but women with traditional views would be okay with a man who is not traditional and who is more egalitarian. But I don't think that's always the case.

Along with the traditional views of headship and submission, a traditional approach usually involves the idea of the man protecting the woman and providing for her. If a man is really into gender egalitarianism, he might not see it as necessary to open a door for a woman or escort her home (for safety).

My mindset is that it's my responsibility to provide financially for my wife, so I wouldn't want to force her to get a job (especially with all the child care duties going on.) But someone heavily into gender egalitarianism may think that way and may expect half of the rent and other expenses. For me, from a traditional mindset, we just have a common purse so to speak.

It's something to think about. If you want someone with a provider/protector mentality, you probably want someone who would drive a few extra miles to pick you up rather than insist you meet on neutral territory.

Reading this, I know for sure that I have a more traditional view than he does. I want to be protected and placed at more of a priority level than where I feel I am now on his list.

 

[NiobiumTragedy]

Spot on. I feel like it is a type of argument too. He is using it in the wrong way though- to get his preferred 'way'. One time I didn't give in, but another I did.

Relationships are a two way street though. You're trying to make a case against him because he didn't do what you wanted, but keep in mind that he also could do the same against you for arguing when he said he didn't want to make the extra 30 minute round trip for whatever reasons he had.

Personally, I just wonder how he would feel if he knew you were complaining about him on an internet forum to strangers. I actually wonder about this with a lot of people here. If I were in his position, I would feel pretty insulted that you'd feel the need to complain to random people. Especially when I wasn't there to state my own case.

Just something to chew on. You've been complaining about him with things he's done while doing things that he could rightly turn the table on you for. Instead, try working out issues like this in person because typing them out on a forum tends to let the water simmer which can create more psychological and emotional issues within the relationship; especially if the advice you're given is bad (remember the internet is full of white knights who would love nothing more than to tell you he's a creep and dump him so they can "save the day")

 

[cmjohnson1613]

Long distance relationships are already hard. My view on what you said is that he was a little ungrateful. He has you driving the whole distance when you come but if he picks you up he wants you to meet half way. Now I would just voice what you told us to him and see what he says.

Also I if its a long drive and you leave at 10 or 11pm then you will be getting home late. Me personally I drove to my gfs place which was only 30 mins. Every now and then she came to me only if she wanted to. We are now happy married.

Main point is to have communication and if he keeps talking down or not sensitive to your feelings then you might want to look at relationship

 

[somethingBEAUTIFUL]

Thanks, you guys. He and I are going to talk this weekend, if I can tie him down. We may need a break or something. We have struggled with communication from the beginning. Makes me wonder after a year and 4 months if we're meant to be.

 

[CareyGreen]

I hesitate to offer such a bold perspective, due to lack of information (a forum is only a sound-byte of life, after all). But here goes anyway...

He's using the "equality" bit to manipulate you into doing what he thinks you should do (seems that way to me, anyway). It's an easy way for him to be selfish instead of working to serve you as "his" lady.

I'd think hard about that and consider if this is the kind of guy you really want long-term. Or, I'd talk with him about it honestly and see if he's even open to considering that he's being selfish. If not, then there's a concerning lack of humility in the man.

My opinion.

 

[wannaberocker]

Gender equality or female equality, These are buzz words that can work in a political or work setting to get your way.

However, real life relationships dont work around these terms. Real life relationships require some type of compromise an inequality. In a real life relationship you are not keeping score or trying to pass the equality test. You are trying to make your relationship work by communicating, sharing, sacrificing and loving each other.

Your BF's argument about female equality is sort of moronic. If he dosnt wanna come and pick you up. Just say "i dont wanna come and pick you up" this whole "female equality" bs should be left in the theoretical realm.

 

[somethingBEAUTIFUL]

I hesitate to offer such a bold perspective, due to lack of information (a forum is only a sound-byte of life, after all). But here goes anyway...

He's using the "equality" bit to manipulate you into doing what he thinks you should do (seems that way to me, anyway). It's an easy way for him to be selfish instead of working to serve you as "his" lady.

I'd think hard about that and consider if this is the kind of guy you really want long-term. Or, I'd talk with him about it honestly and see if he's even open to considering that he's being selfish. If not, then there's a concerning lack of humility in the man.

My opinion.

I appreciate your opinion greatly. You know what you're talking about. I've been doing some thinking for the past few weeks, and it's sad to see that he was generally non-manipulative and more thoughtful until he suddenly bought me an engagement ring 4 months ago. He has not proposed yet, of course. My good friend says she has noticed a change in me, and said perhaps these changes in him are due to the fact he feels since he bought a ring, that he can relax.

I have been considering this week breaking things off. I love him, and I know he loves me, but our heart-to-hearts don't seem to be very fruitful anymore.

 

[seashale76]

Reading this, I know for sure that I have a more traditional view than he does. I want to be protected and placed at more of a priority level than where I feel I am now on his list.

I once dated a guy like your bf, but he was only about 'equality' when it was to his benefit, and I rather got the impression that he was about anything but equality really, and more about indulging his own selfish whims. He was just as selfish with his friends and family too. That relationship disolved rather fast, thank goodness!

It wouldn't surprise me if your bf exhibits a similar selfishness in all of his various relationships (not just yours). Run away!

 

[somethingBEAUTIFUL]

I once dated a guy like your bf, but he was only about 'equality' when it was to his benefit, and I rather got the impression that he was about anything but equality really, and more about indulging his own selfish whims. He was just as selfish with his friends and family too. That relationship disolved rather fast, thank goodness!

It wouldn't surprise me if your bf exhibits a similar selfishness in all of his various relationships (not just yours). Run away!

It is comforting to know someone else can relate. Pertaining to my guy's attitude toward his family, he sees them when it's convenient for him. For example, he had last Friday off and was supposed to be coming to visit his mom. He got to her house around 8 pm. His excuse was poor (got caught up in a video game). That didn't set well with me.

 

[BranwenUerchLlyr]

I think he just wants you to be more 50/50 in the relationship (not saying you aren't, just explaining what it sounds like he wants). I'm not sure how that relates to what time you leave to drive back home, unless he regularly drives to your place and stays there late.

I think by "female equality," he simply wants you to be putting in as much effort into the relationship as he is. For him, driving time may simply be something he values.

I try to keep my relationship 50/50--nobody has to work too hard, nobody has to feel neglected. Its great!