Feeling the Love/Physical Boundaries

[Nony202]

Hi there. I've got a question that I'm hoping this community can help me answer. Let me start out by saying that I love my fiancee very much, and I know she loves me too, sometimes it's hard to feel that love though. It seems like I've really been struggling with this since we got engaged. We read the 5 love languages book together and figured out she is a words of affirmation person, and I am a physical touch person.
She is a little older than I am (both in our late 20s). I let her kind of govern the physical aspect of our relationship. We've not had sex yet, but things had gotten fairly physical occasionally when she would spend the night at my apartment. I feel like we were both doing a great job feeding into each others "love tanks" prior to our engagement. I was doing my best to build her up and affirm my love for her everyday, and I was being filled up when we would snuggle or kiss or she'd rub my back or when we would get more physical with all of those things.
All of the sudden wedding planning started, and things started to slow way down physically. This is when I started feeling empty. A month went by with nothing more than a few quick kisses and cuddling on the couch while she ignored me with the TV and her phone. I finally broke down when I realized she was basically just ignoring me, and I was just a pillow to prop herself up and finally said something about it. She had decided that she didn't want to do those physical things anymore. We didn't discuss it, she just up and decided to quit. Of course I have to respect that, it's just a little frustrating that I gave her control and allowed us to get to that point when it wasn't necessarily something I craved before. Well, I definitely crave it now.
Now that wedding planning is well under way, it seems like this is all we ever talk about. I'm fighting to keep anything in "my love tanks" it seems. We've talked about this, but it gets better for a while and then we're back to the same ole same ole. I'm trying my best to really feed into her and make sure she feels loved. I sometimes wonder if it's me she wants to marry, or if she just wants to get married.
What happened to the girl I fell in love with? I want to be excited about my relationship again. I want to wake up and feel like there's no doubt in my mind that my fiancee loves me. I want to get back to the time where I just wanted to shout "I LOVE YOU LEXI!" from the tallest building. Can anyone help me?

 

[seeingeyes]

Hi there. I've got a question that I'm hoping this community can help me answer. Let me start out by saying that I love my fiancee very much, and I know she loves me too, sometimes it's hard to feel that love though. It seems like I've really been struggling with this since we got engaged. We read the 5 love languages book together and figured out she is a words of affirmation person, and I am a physical touch person.
She is a little older than I am (both in our late 20s). I let her kind of govern the physical aspect of our relationship. We've not had sex yet, but things had gotten fairly physical occasionally when she would spend the night at my apartment. I feel like we were both doing a great job feeding into each others "love tanks" prior to our engagement. I was doing my best to build her up and affirm my love for her everyday, and I was being filled up when we would snuggle or kiss or she'd rub my back or when we would get more physical with all of those things.
All of the sudden wedding planning started, and things started to slow way down physically. This is when I started feeling empty. A month went by with nothing more than a few quick kisses and cuddling on the couch while she ignored me with the TV and her phone. I finally broke down when I realized she was basically just ignoring me, and I was just a pillow to prop herself up and finally said something about it. She had decided that she didn't want to do those physical things anymore. We didn't discuss it, she just up and decided to quit. Of course I have to respect that, it's just a little frustrating that I gave her control and allowed us to get to that point when it wasn't necessarily something I craved before. Well, I definitely crave it now.
Now that wedding planning is well under way, it seems like this is all we ever talk about. I'm fighting to keep anything in "my love tanks" it seems. We've talked about this, but it gets better for a while and then we're back to the same ole same ole. I'm trying my best to really feed into her and make sure she feels loved. I sometimes wonder if it's me she wants to marry, or if she just wants to get married.
What happened to the girl I fell in love with? I want to be excited about my relationship again. I want to wake up and feel like there's no doubt in my mind that my fiancee loves me. I want to get back to the time where I just wanted to shout "I LOVE YOU LEXI!" from the tallest building. Can anyone help me?

Marriage will certainly not "fix" this problem. Is there pre-marital counseling that you can attend?

 

[AuburnSky]

My heart goes out to you, brother.
I'll talk to you man to man, and I'll say that it's very good this is coming to the surface now. And not one week after the wedding, or God forbid, the honeymoon.
Song of Solomon 2:15 says "Catch for us the foxes, the little foxes that ruin the vineyards, our vineyards that are in bloom."
This is almost certainly one of those little foxes.

I say this with the kindest, most loving intent, as if I were saying it to myself or one of my own kin: if she doesn't take steps to fix this issue, over which your tender heart is clearly bleeding, ..if it were me, as painful as it sounds, even having gotten so close to a fulfilling marriage, I would walk away. I would have to.. This sort of thing will not tend to get better with marriage. If anything, I suspect this divide will get worse unless it is addressed now, by BOTH of you. Not. just. you. It takes two working together to have a successful relationship. How can you joyfully become one with someone who doesn't have and express care for your emotional needs??
My love language is touch too, so I can very well relate.. If there was full sex involved, I imagine your arguments would be much deeper, and ravaging. Like two tectonic plates moving, you may already see how the landscape of your relationship can quickly change when you aren't in agreement over something one of you feels this strongly about.

Peace man, consider seeking the Lord's counsel on the matter, and I'm sure your steps will become clear. Who knows? Perhaps she will respond deep down, and realize the situation.

 

[akmom]

She had decided that she didn't want to do those physical things anymore.

Like, ever? Or is she just wanting to save it for marriage, for fear of getting too intimate before marriage? Have you asked her?

 

[iambren]

Postpone wedding!

 

[Charles With Christ]

Pre-marital counseling would be a great idea.

Some people have difficulty talking about such things, women especially since we shame them so much and shout purity sometimes guilt can cause a person to well, cease up so to speak.

You can attempt to address the issue among yourselves I would open up the discussion by asking her what her concerns were regarding your physical relationship, how did she feel? Tell her how you feel. The important thing at this stage is to communicate and not try and invalidate each others feelings. If you don't like what she says about how she feels instead ask if there was anything specific to cause that, or if there is any way to alleviate such concerns.

You can also talk to her about setting boundaries you are both comfortable with. Realize also it may have absolutely nothing to do with you, if she has started taking birth control (or any other hormone effecting medicine) these can all have very real effects on a persons mood and affinity for affection.

 

[JojotheBeloved]

There are more than one reason why a person may or may not be as desirous of physical affection from their partner. Here are a few that I can think of just off the top of my head:

Option 1. She may be stressed and pulling away a little bit - sometimes when people have a lot to do (for example, planning a wedding tends to be a big deal to a lot of people), they get stressed, and when some people get stressed they pull away from those they love most. This could be seen especially if her top love language is not touch. If she is stressed, she may be in more need of words of affirmation but less mindful of the needs of others - including your need for touch.

Option 2. She may be hormonal - Some women change pretty drastically in mood and behavior when they are either on their cycle or are taking birth control. If this only began happening when you got engaged, maybe she's began birth control in preparation for being married (it takes months to begin working, so this is not uncommon) and it has changed her mood and behavior in this way.

Option 3. She may feel pressured/guilty. You did mention that you two hadn't had sex but were fairly physical in an overnight situation. Please, no need to elaborate - that's between you, her, and God - but maybe in her mind there was a line crossed that she may be uncomfortable with upon closer introspection and maybe it's putting her on edge physically. Since women are often shamed regarding sexuality, she may have agreed to one thing then and later rethought it in light of social or church pressures.

Option 4. She could be generally less comfortable with physical affection because her primary love language is not touch. This does not mean necessarily that she doesn't want any physical affection, but she may not understand how important it really is to your heart nor how best to show it to you. This I can testify to from personal experience, my primary love language is quality time and my fiancé's is gifts. However, gifts is least important to me on the love language scale. Thankfully we have some overlap in our secondary love languages and we both are mindful of each other's need for love in our own languages, so we try our best to fill each other up. But, we have been often awkward at it. It doesn't come naturally for me to give him gifts, but I want to spend all day with him every day! It doesn't come naturally for him to spend time with his attention solely on me and doing something together, but he is always seeing little things to buy me or make me or give me all around his world! We each need to seek to understand the other's perspective on this, and we each need to work together to make sure both of us are filled with love. But it takes purposeful effort on both our parts do that!

The point is, there's lots of potential reasons for her behavior and really, the only way you'll know what's going on is by talking with your fiancé. This needs to be a team effort on both of your parts. You can't fix it alone, and she can't either. No one need be blamed, but neither person can make up for it either. The important thing is, you need to have an honest conversation (or multiple honest conversations over time if needed). Some people find it helpful to bring up and talk about things with a counselor, mentor, or pastor. But even this is really a conversation between the two of you; the counselor, mentor, or pastor are only a facilitator for you and your fiancé to talk to each other. Both parties need to be heard and understood. Both parties need to feel able to speak up about whatever is on their minds/hearts. Both parties need to seek to understand and sympathize with the other.

Another thing I would suggest to keep in mind also is that this problem will not go away in your relationship completely. Because you have different strengths and weaknesses as individuals you will experience conflict throughout your relationship. Because you have different love languages, you both will experience feelings of doubt regarding whether or not you are loved by the other person throughout your relationship. It is inevitable. There will be times when you feel completely in love with one another and other times when you don't feel that way. Every relationship, no matter what the particular factors involved, goes through ups and downs in emotional closeness. That will be the same in marriage (I've heard - I've never been married yet myself) as in engagement as in dating; even as in friendship. This doesn't have to be worrisome though, because nothing stays the same in this world for long. So if this is a time of less closeness, just remember that if you both are purposefully working on your relationship together, this too shall pass and you will feel more closeness again. Love is a choice deliberately made every day, sometimes every aware moment, to turn your heart and behavior toward another person in care for their wellbeing. Love is patient, kind, enduring, selfless, etc. (see 1 Cor. 13). If you both understand that and keep doing that - choosing to love one another, even when your emotions are all out of whack - you'll be fine.