Feeling so sad

[RachelZ]

Thanks Sad...it's helpful to know it's not just me. I don't know as I'm bored, as I'm still very scared of where this will lead...it's hard to describe but it's almost like trying to think of rational scenarios to an unamed dread and fear and anxiety. I know there are specific things I think but somehow bringing them on is different. Prolly not explaining it very well...I'm so hoping this helps...at the moment Im feeling pretty miserable a lot of the time about it. A lot of people with ROCD seem to be able to come up with really positive things about their partners and say they 'know' they love them...when I feel like this, positive thoughts that I try and think about make me more anxious cos they are accompanied by doubts and a feeling almost of horrorbecuase of the doubts. Blagh.... thanks again...hope you're doing OK...take care, Rachel

 

[RachelZ]

Please, please, please don't read this if you are thinking you could spike re. a bad experience with ERP...don't want to put anyone off fighting and winning against their OCD! I've just been out and trying to do some ERP to really fight this...I've come back and feel so hopeless. What I feared would happen seems to be happening which is that by bringing on the thoughts and making them worse and also trying to imagine how I'd be in a different situation I'm proving them true. I don't feel like I'm making the anxiety loads worse...I just feel sad and like there's no hope for me and I've been living in denial. I guess this is where doing this therapy is a risk...for most it will make the OCD so much better but for someone like me it merely proves that for this obsession I am suffering more from an inability to be strong enough to face facts rather than OCD. I feel so sad and a little shocked I guess...I have to keep going cos there is ano alternative but don't know what to tell myself in order to be able to try and recover. Sorry this is so negative but I feel so miserable right now...

 

[gracealone]

I've just been out and trying to do some ERP to really fight this...I've come back and feel so hopeless. What I feared would happen seems to be happening which is that by bringing on the thoughts and making them worse and also trying to imagine how I'd be in a different situation I'm proving them true.
HI Rachel, Is it feelings that are proving them to be true? Hope not because if I relied on my feelings to define truth I'd be in a whole lot of trouble. Doing ERP causes a mixed bag of emotions, incredible sadness is one of them.
When doing ERP about my whether or not I was saved, or loved God or was becoming an atheist I often felt as if there was no hope for me. I would get to these places where I just felt numb toward God like I really didn't love him after all or had been an unbeliver all along and that made me feel incredibly sad. But this was all just part of the whacked out emotions of OCD not proof that the thoughts and were true.
I don't feel like I'm making the anxiety loads worse...I just feel sad and like there's no hope for me and I've been living in denial.
I felt this same way. I can't tell you how many times I said to myself..."there's no hope for me".
I guess this is where doing this therapy is a risk...for most it will make the OCD so much better but for someone like me it merely proves that for this obsession I am suffering more from an inability to be strong enough to face facts rather than OCD.
What you really mean is that accepting/running the risk that the thoughts might actually be true is causing you tremendous suffering. This is what I call "the storm before the calm" effect of ERP.
Actually ERP makes most people feel worse before they begin to feel better. All therapy is painful in the beginning but as you work at it you will eventually begin to see positive results. I think of my OCD therapy like wishing for spring and summer to come. Just when I think it's going to get warmer out it snows. Then it will be really nice for a couple of days and then wham - the temperature drops and it's all bleak and cold outside again. But spring/summer do come despite this apparent evidence/proof to the contrary.
I feel so sad and a little shocked I guess...I have to keep going cos there is ano alternative but don't know what to tell myself in order to be able to try and recover. Sorry this is so negative but I feel so miserable right now...[/quote]
Don't try and measure your progress - just live in the moment. Also choose to do the ERP when you are calm and relaxed, don't let the OCD decide when for you. The rest of the time do the passive side of ERP by just letting the thoughts be there and refusing to give them any attention. Try to imagine them as static on a radio that, although it's annoying, you can listen to it while focusing your attention on something else.
The key to managing OCD is learning to live with uncertainty and being willing to run the risk that the OCD thoughts might be true. This is why the therapy for OCD is referred to as a paradox.
Don't push yourself too hard with therapy by trying to do too much at once.
I find it very helpful to re-read the articles written by Dr. Phillipson on pure "O" OCD in order to bolster me in my efforts to stay the course with the ERP.
Sometimes you really have to "gut it out" to get through these periods.
I know you are in a lot of mental pain right now and I'm praying for you daily, that God would give you the strength, perseverance, insight, and determination to manage this miserable disorder.
Mitzi

 

[RachelZ]

Thank you so much Mitzi...both for your prayers and for taking so much time to respond to my post!

I don't know if it's my feelings that are making me think this is proving my fears to be true...I'm not sure if it's feelings or a clarity in my head...a sense of realisation...I guess feelings come into that but how will I know anything if I ignore all my feelings? It's a sense of something which then brings feelings along with it.

It helps to know you felt there was no hope as well...though I am sorry for you that you experienced that! I know that ERP makes things worse before they get better...I guess I thought it would make the anxiety worse and the doubting more acute...not that I would find it so easy to believe the spikes when I brought them on and then have a sense of clarity as the fog cleared and an "Oh No it's true!" eye of the storm. Sorry, don't know if that makes sense to you!

I hear you about it being like waiting for Spring and Summer...guess I feel a bit like someone in Narnia lost in a forever winter.

Thanks for your prayers and wisdom...I have felt better...more so this afternoon but even now not as bad as earlier. I don't know how to keep fighting this but I guess all I can do is try...and if it all goes bellyup...well, at least I'll have done what is reccomended.

Thanks for your help Mitzi...you're a real star...take care...hugs, Rachel

 

[gracealone]

Hi Rachel,
A sense of realisation, or feelings that you are really believing the spikes does not give them any credence. The bottom line is where you ended up after your reaction to bringing on the spikes and that was reflected by your frenzied statement - "Oh no it's true!" - which probably brought on a tremendous urge to still try and get reassurance that it wasn't true.
Although one of my worst OCD themes differs from your's I think my reaction is similar. As I began to work on ERP with "bring it on" statements about whether or not I was a Christian or whether I was becoming an atheist it freaked me out that I wasn't as upset as I thought I should be in doing the therapy. This in turn led me right back to square one as it made me suspect that my lack of anxiety was somehow proof that, "horror's", the original spikes were actually true. So then I began to be very distressed that I wasn't upset enough and felt the need to find more proof, more reassurance that 1. I was really a true Christian and 2. that I wasn't an atheist. (Hampster wheel time!!)
It took me quite awhile to recognize that the urge to obsess about the spikes in any way at all - must be resisted. The presence of the spikes is OK and is not tantamount to them being true. But the rumination is what has to be stopped and it won't be stopped over night but with lots of practice you'll get better and better at it.
All obsessional spikes are excruciating when you're in the midst of them no matter the theme.
It always helps me to realise that when I try and figure out how I'm feeling or what I'm believing all my feelings of assurance about my belief seem to disappear. Like when I ask myself - "Am I really believing in God?" I can't at that moment really feel like I'm believing and the more I try to muster up feelings of belief the more absent they seem to be. The self scrutiny of my OCD really interfere's with my being able to feel right about these things.
A very similar thing occured when my little grandson came to stay with us. I'd only spent 4 days with him since his birth as he lives in another state. I was worried that I would show the proper amount of excitement and interest in him so his folks would know just how much I loved him. Then I began checking my feelings to see if I felt affectionate and warm toward him. The more checking I did the less affectioned feelings I had. This really upset me until I realised OCD was at play. Then I had to just let go and not worry about whether or not I was feeling affectionate and loving toward him and just "act as if" I did. I love him dearly but the OCD doubt that I might not really wreaked havoc with me for awhile.
I don't know if any of what I've been trying to say rings a bell with you or not but I try always to share things that have helped me to understand and manage my own OCD.
I will continue in my most earnest prayer for you in this difficult affliction. I know first hand just how painful it is. I know it's hard to believe - but this too shall pass.
Mitzi

 

[RachelZ]

Thanks ever so much Mitzi...I guess yes if I'm honest that even when I feel a sense of realisation that my fears are true there's still a part of me that wants reasurance that they're not...like I poured out how bad I felt yesterday and texted my best friend as well and then afterwards was waiting with a kind of oh please let them say something helpful kind of feeling. I think what I really struggle with is the fact that the litmus test for OCD seems to be if you feel anxious then it's OCD and if it feels like OCD then it is...but if you're an anxious type who'd be anxious whether something was true or not then how can you really apply these statements? When my best friend and I discussed this even she felt that I would be anxious if my relationship was right or wrong...so how can I ever know what is real or not?

Yes what your say does make sense and thank you for sharing it...I really appreciate your support! Please know I'm here too if you need to offload...I can imagine that moving and everything else can get quiet stressful!

Thanks again Mitzi...and for your prayers...take care, Rachel

 

[ObsessedButBlessed]

Hi Rachel, sorry to hear you're feeling so crummy! Mitzi has explained everything so well - and a big thanks to Mitzi!!! It helps to have someone who is experienced with ERP share their experiences. I know it has helped me!

I think a critical error (one that I am certainly guilty of) is still expecting reassurance through your feelings when you take on ERP. Like, oh, suddenly we will realize it's all false and then we'll feel abundently better and reassured that it was OCD all along. I know I have done that! So I too have felt like I really believed it, I might as well draw up the divorce papers now!

I think this is where the Cognitive-Behavioral part of therapy comes in, and, to me, is the most difficult. I feel crummy, and I FEEL like my thoughts/feelings are true, so what am I left to do? Make loving choices. I still choose to be in the relationship and contribute to it even if I don't have all the right feelings. If all marriages were based on feelings then nobody would be married! Actually I think this is really what marriage is about - OCD or no OCD. It's about comitting to the care of your partner despite life's circumstances or how you feel at the moment. Not always do we feel in love or even happy with our spouses. But we have committed to them, to care for them, and that's really all that love is.

I think these feelings of sadness (and lack of anxiety) are scaring you.. and that's ok. So maybe start focusing your ERP on "oh of course I don't feel anxiety because it's all real! The sadness is just how any one facing a divorce would feel!" Take it as far as you can go. And then, just sit with the feelings. The response part means not analyzing the feelings, just living with them. Not trying to reassure yourself or even getting more upset that you don't feel how you think you should feel - just live with them. Try to go on with your day. Like mitzi said the goal is not to reassure yourself, but to learn to live with the spikes. The less scary they become (thoughts AND feelings), the less you will focus on them.

 

[RachelZ]

Hi Sad...thank you for that! You're right, (AGAIN! LOL!!) in that I am scared of my feelings. I'm not getting no anxiety, it's just at times it has felt like a kind of sadness has been the overiding emotion. It seems to vary...but like you say, I guess I need to allow what ever feelings and reactions I get to the ERP and then just sit with it whilst making the right choice which is to love my husband in practical ways. The crazy thing is even if all my worst fears were true there's nothng I would do in terms of getting a divorce or anything like that...I'm commited to my hubby for life, but it's just the terrible need to know what the truth is. I must say your hubby sounds like a very fortunate guy...a lot of people who don't have OCD don't have the wise attitude towards what love in a marriage means!

Yes you're right, the goal is to live with the spikes...somehow I've got to keep telling myself that the aim isn't to feel less anxious or less down but to do less analysing and trying to fix things. Really hard to do for someone who's addicted to thinking!! Thanks so much for helping me yet again to try and get back on track with this. It's helpful to have the input of people who have done or are doing ERP.

One thing I don't know if anyone can help me with is this problem with the whole determining what's likely to be OCD and what's not. Like I said, I really believe that I can get anxious so easily so whether something's right or wrong then I can feel anxiety. I know I can't get reasurance all the time that this is OCD as ERP is all about not getting reasurrance but people must get some comfort from their diagnosis and if they really didn't believe they had OCD they wouldn't be doing the therapy...so a conviction that OCD is what the main problem is has to be of some importance. My question is, if you get anxious about all sorts of things then how do you accurately apply the litmus test for OCD...ie if the thoughts is accompanied by anxiety then it's OCD...I'm hoping that made sense...I know what I mean but not sure if I've explained it very clearly.

Thanks again Sad...hope you're feeling a bit better...take care and God bless...Rachel