Feeling sad

[eatenbylocusts]

Last night my bf and I were talking about possibilities for today. We didn't confirm anything because I needed to hear back from my brother first. Today I finally called him at 3pm since he hadn't called and he called me back at 4 and acted like we hadn't even discussed getting together. He has homework as usual so he was going to go home and work on that. He asked me if I wanted to go down there. I can't bring my kids to his place because there is nothing but a T.V. there and that wouldn't really help his studying.

I told him I would have to feed my kids first. At 7:30 I called him and asked him if he still wanted me to come down. He said it was up to me. I asked if he was looking forward to seeing me and he said, "Not particularly." I was dumbfounded and asked him why I should go there if he didn't really want to see me. He said he would be fine either way and after several minutes he said it would be nice to see me. We haven't seen each since last Sunday. My mom ended up not coming back until after 9 and I didn't want to leave my kids until she got home.

I called him at 9 and asked him if I should still come or if he was getting tired. (We both have to work tomorrow.) He said I should probably stay home. I let him know that I wasn't feeling good about what he had said earlier and that if he knew that our relationship wasn't progressing to marriage then we shouldn't be dating, because I don't want to date just to date. He said o.k. then silence. I asked what that was supposed to mean. He said he didn't know yet if we were heading towards marriage, and he didn't know if we weren't heading towards marriage.

A month ago he asked me if I wanted to get married, but I guess that was just a moment of passion. I just sent him an email telling him that if he didn't see us moving towards marriage that we shouldn't be dating exclusively. He just told my friend the same thing about her and the guy she was dating two weeks ago. My feelings for him have been increasing and I was ready to start thinking about marriage prep classes.

I don't know-it always seems like the guy makes up his mind pretty quickly about marriage. He seems to be going backwards and that hurts. But, I want to know. I want to be married, so if he's not the one I want to know sooner rather than later.

 

[Princess Pea]

Last night my bf and I were talking about possibilities for today. We didn't confirm anything because I needed to hear back from my brother first. Today I finally called him at 3pm since he hadn't called and he called me back at 4 and acted like we hadn't even discussed getting together. He has homework as usual so he was going to go home and work on that. He asked me if I wanted to go down there. I can't bring my kids to his place because there is nothing but a T.V. there and that wouldn't really help his studying.

I told him I would have to feed my kids first. At 7:30 I called him and asked him if he still wanted me to come down. He said it was up to me. I asked if he was looking forward to seeing me and he said, "Not particularly." I was dumbfounded and asked him why I should go there if he didn't really want to see me. He said he would be fine either way and after several minutes he said it would be nice to see me. We haven't seen each since last Sunday. My mom ended up not coming back until after 9 and I didn't want to leave my kids until she got home.

I called him at 9 and asked him if I should still come or if he was getting tired. (We both have to work tomorrow.) He said I should probably stay home. I let him know that I wasn't feeling good about what he had said earlier and that if he knew that our relationship wasn't progressing to marriage then we shouldn't be dating, because I don't want to date just to date. He said o.k. then silence. I asked what that was supposed to mean. He said he didn't know yet if we were heading towards marriage, and he didn't know if we weren't heading towards marriage.

A month ago he asked me if I wanted to get married, but I guess that was just a moment of passion. I just sent him an email telling him that if he didn't see us moving towards marriage that we shouldn't be dating exclusively. He just told my friend the same thing about her and the guy she was dating two weeks ago. My feelings for him have been increasing and I was ready to start thinking about marriage prep classes.

I don't know-it always seems like the guy makes up his mind pretty quickly about marriage. He seems to be going backwards and that hurts. But, I want to know. I want to be married, so if he's not the one I want to know sooner rather than later.

Aw, I'm sorry. It was smart of you to send the email, though. There's no point in hanging on if it's going nowhere, and better to know sooner than later. But it's still a bummer and a downer and just not any fun!

 

[Deliberatetourist]

Only you can answer the question if he is the one. If you love him and can see yourself married to him then you have already answered the question. It's up to him now.

 

[peanutbutter12]

Last night my bf and I were talking about possibilities for today. We didn't confirm anything because I needed to hear back from my brother first. Today I finally called him at 3pm since he hadn't called and he called me back at 4 and acted like we hadn't even discussed getting together. He has homework as usual so he was going to go home and work on that. He asked me if I wanted to go down there. I can't bring my kids to his place because there is nothing but a T.V. there and that wouldn't really help his studying.

I told him I would have to feed my kids first. At 7:30 I called him and asked him if he still wanted me to come down. He said it was up to me. I asked if he was looking forward to seeing me and he said, "Not particularly." I was dumbfounded and asked him why I should go there if he didn't really want to see me. He said he would be fine either way and after several minutes he said it would be nice to see me. We haven't seen each since last Sunday. My mom ended up not coming back until after 9 and I didn't want to leave my kids until she got home.

I called him at 9 and asked him if I should still come or if he was getting tired. (We both have to work tomorrow.) He said I should probably stay home. I let him know that I wasn't feeling good about what he had said earlier and that if he knew that our relationship wasn't progressing to marriage then we shouldn't be dating, because I don't want to date just to date. He said o.k. then silence. I asked what that was supposed to mean. He said he didn't know yet if we were heading towards marriage, and he didn't know if we weren't heading towards marriage.

A month ago he asked me if I wanted to get married, but I guess that was just a moment of passion. I just sent him an email telling him that if he didn't see us moving towards marriage that we shouldn't be dating exclusively. He just told my friend the same thing about her and the guy she was dating two weeks ago. My feelings for him have been increasing and I was ready to start thinking about marriage prep classes.

I don't know-it always seems like the guy makes up his mind pretty quickly about marriage. He seems to be going backwards and that hurts. But, I want to know. I want to be married, so if he's not the one I want to know sooner rather than later.

There are several things that come into play here that need to be looked at. First off, you seem to be very anxious to get married (like most girls are), but does he feel the same way about it? Some guys don't like rushing into things like that. It's that feeling of commitment and no longer having the freedom of a single person that keeps some from doing it. Second, you said that he said it "in the heat of passion". I'm going to assume this is talking about kissing (since this is a Christian forum. heh ) and just say that some of the best lies ever told were done in the bed chamber. Guys, never make promises in the heat of the moment.

There are a lot of other things that come into play as well. Things like how mature is he? Is he under a lot of stress? Things to think on.

CJ

 

[eatenbylocusts]

There are several things that come into play here that need to be looked at. First off, you seem to be very anxious to get married (like most girls are), but does he feel the same way about it? Some guys don't like rushing into things like that. It's that feeling of commitment and no longer having the freedom of a single person that keeps some from doing it. Second, you said that he said it "in the heat of passion". I'm going to assume this is talking about kissing (since this is a Christian forum. heh ) and just say that some of the best lies ever told were done in the bed chamber. Guys, never make promises in the heat of the moment.

There are a lot of other things that come into play as well. Things like how mature is he? Is he under a lot of stress? Things to think on.

CJ

When he made his out of the blue marriage proposal we were standing next to his car kissing goodbye before I was headed away for a few days. But it wasn't just that night-he was way ahead of me the first two months we started dating again. We talked about our views and desire for marriage back in August and again in March. He wants to be married. He wants another child. I told him I wasn't looking for a marriage proposal now, but if he knew we weren't heading to marriage there was no point in dating. He's 49 and he's been married before. He is under stress with school, but that's not new.

His shift got cancelled Monday. He sent me a text message telling me that he missed me and then called me at work asking to get together that evening. We just engaged in light conversation while we were out.

We went back to his place and I had to bring up my email-apparently he was hoping the issue would just go away. He told me that he wasn't madly, passionately in love with me. He agreed that he had come on very strong early in our relationship (asking to marry), and that he had backed off a bit. He couldn't explain why, except that part of it was due to school. I don't know what the other part is.

I told him again that if he really didn't know where we were going then we probably shouldn't be dating exclusively. He told me that I should probably see other people then.

Yesterday he sent me an email and text message about how much he enjoys our time and that he wants to continue getting to know me better. I really feel that he knows why he's become cooler with me and just doesn't want to tell me. It's hard to think about dating someone else after sharing so much with my bf and after getting more physical than I had intended.

What really bothers me is that he acted like he was madly in love with me a month ago, and now he isn't. I would think that feelings should be increasing, not decreasing after spending more time together. That doesn't sound good to me.

 

[peanutbutter12]

Sounds like it's just the flame dying down which pretty much happens in every relationship. It's then that the true test of love comes into play since the newness is over.

CJ

 

[eatenbylocusts]

Sounds like it's just the flame dying down which pretty much happens in every relationship. It's then that the true test of love comes into play since the newness is over.

CJ

I hadn't considered that since we haven't really been "romantic" for a long time. I usually don't trust my instincts even though they seem to be right lately. Something about his body language when I mentioned that he was cooler lately...... The more I think about it, the more I think he does know why. Maybe this weekend we will have time to talk more about this or I'll just wait until this quarter is over which is within two weeks.

 

[Hope_0004]

Who knows. If he won't tell you, then you definitely won't.

I'm all for trying, and I'm all for working things out - if you both want to. However, if he's straight up told you he's not madly in love with you, I'd be concerned. If he used to be madly in love with you, I'd be more concerned. And if you really believe in your heart that he's trying to distance himself from you, then why would you want to continue to attempt to get closer to him?

I know this sucks - it feels like a total betrayal when you are completely comfortable in a relationship, even maybe feel as though you're the one being pursued, and then BAM - everything you thought is not how it seemed. But you have to roll with that punch.

I could be wrong, but generally when someone his age says, "I don't want to be married", it really means, "I don't want to be married to you."

He seems to be sending mixed messages by continuing to contact you and say he wants to "get to know you", but not really - he didn't say he didn't want to "get to know you", he said he didn't want to "marry you".

If you are fine with being buddies or even dating, without any expectations, it sounds like he's a nice guy who is at least interested in you on some level.

But it sounds like you are confident that you want more than that. Since he has demonstrated that he does not want more than that, seems that your best bet would be to stop wasting time and start looking for something with more substance.

Just my opinion.

 

[eatenbylocusts]

Who knows. If he won't tell you, then you definitely won't.

I'm all for trying, and I'm all for working things out - if you both want to. However, if he's straight up told you he's not madly in love with you, I'd be concerned. If he used to be madly in love with you, I'd be more concerned. And if you really believe in your heart that he's trying to distance himself from you, then why would you want to continue to attempt to get closer to him?

I know this sucks - it feels like a total betrayal when you are completely comfortable in a relationship, even maybe feel as though you're the one being pursued, and then BAM - everything you thought is not how it seemed. But you have to roll with that punch.

I could be wrong, but generally when someone his age says, "I don't want to be married", it really means, "I don't want to be married to you."

He seems to be sending mixed messages by continuing to contact you and say he wants to "get to know you", but not really - he didn't say he didn't want to "get to know you", he said he didn't want to "marry you".

If you are fine with being buddies or even dating, without any expectations, it sounds like he's a nice guy who is at least interested in you on some level.

But it sounds like you are confident that you want more than that. Since he has demonstrated that he does not want more than that, seems that your best bet would be to stop wasting time and start looking for something with more substance.

Just my opinion.

I don't know if I mistyped something, but he does want to be married-eventually to someone. He just couldn't tell me if he thought it was me right now. We haven't broken up, we just agreed that we could date other people. I made this suggestion after reading the Boundaries in dating book. We seem to be going backwards though. We probably shouldn't have been exclusive so early. He sent me another email telling me that our relationship had potential and he wanted to continue getting to know each other better. If I hadn't brought up my email again we would still be exclusive. I can't even say that I know he's the one I want to marry. I would've liked to attend some classes like the ones I was going to with my ex-bf. I think it would clarify things for both of us.

If at some point he does tell me that he knows he doesn't want to marry me then we're done dating. I want to be married and he lives too far away to be getting together for "friend" dates. I don't even know if I could do that after the kisses we've shared.

It's interesting though- He's got a lot of work with school right now, but since Sunday night he has been sending a lot more emails and text messages-telling me how special I am, what a good mother I am, and how much fun he has with me. He even apologized for not calling last night because he was studying late with a class mate. He's done that before and never thought to apologize. It's almost like how it was when we first started getting romantic.

Even though I suggested it, it did kind of hurt that he agreed that I might want to date other people. It would've been nice if he expressed a little sadness at the prospect of me dating others. I really can't stand the thought of him dating anyone else and it would've been nice if he had tried to keep me for himself. But, if he's having doubts I don't want to be waiting around until he knows for sure he doesn't want to marry me.

The fact that his feelings towards me have cooled does give me concern. A short time after I asked why things had changed and he couldn't really answer, he asked me why I chose to continue living in my parents house for 7 years. I moved in when I separated from my ex-h, gave birth 6 months later, cared for her during a serious illness, went to Medical assisting school then nursing school. My dad died 4 years ago, so my mom would be alone in a big house if I moved out. I've been working for almost 3 years, but I only work part-time now since I'm working on my B.S. Even though I would love more privacy at times there's no way I could afford a house right now and rent is horrendous and a waste when I have somewhere to live. I also don't have to drag my kids somewhere early in the morning before I go to work. I can't understand how this could change his feelings towards me, but it was odd that he brought this up in almost the next breath. As far as I know he has no savings so there's no way we could buy a house together unless I stopped school or he finished school, which isn't happening for at least 2 years. The more I think about it the more I wonder if this is an issue for him. He said part of the reason was school, but also thinking about where the relationship was going. Hmmm. I hope he doesn't think I should be the one to provide the housing.

I'm backing off. I'm going to a single's dance lesson Friday at my "singles" church and the bf (whatever he is now) will be at work. I've been going to his church Sun. night on the weekends that I work, but I'm planning on going to my "singles" church Sat. night. He would end up going to the morning service too and his time would be better spent on homework right now intstead of driving down to church twice.