Feeling resentful and angry but don't want to be

[JSC2009]

Since 2015 i have been asking my husband for another child ( at that time our son was 6 years old). At first he told me he will think about it because his daughter who is 16 (my step daughter) will be moving to live with us in 2016. Every year since then when i asked him he replies he dont know and he is still thinking about it.

He lost his job in 2019 (as a manager) and then starting working again in 2020 but at a lesser pay and position. When i brought the topic back up he still doesnt know. Fast forward to present day he tells me of his fears going back in and "starting over", he had his daughter when he was 19 and had given up alot for her ( a potential softball career), and also mentioned that the kids dont meet up to his expectations sports wise (basketball). He loves them and wants them to be great and the best at everything they do. However it looks like they are not meeting his expectations he doesn't want another child to go through that again.

I am feeling very resentful and feel like he has been stringing me along these last 6 years. I have been praying for another child since 2015 and have asked God for a sign but i just feel that all of this is just an excuse. Previous to our relationship and marriage he didnt care about a lot and was carefree about a lot of things. But i feel like ever since he met me he wants everything to be done by the book.

 

[gym_class_hero]

is your husband a born again Christian?

 

[JSC2009]

Yes. He had a hard life growing up and had to basically grow up quickly. Any opportunity that comes his way that ia good he jumps on it as well an overachiever.

 

[sandman]

I don’t believe he has been intentionally stringing you along, but it doesn’t take 6 years to think about something.

Generally if a guy says he is thinking about something ….he is not in favor of it, and it is going into a box in his mind where he doesn’t have to deal with it …..…until you bring it up. Then it comes out of the box, it’s dusted off looked at through the same undesirable lens which put it in the box. The answer is still the same…. and he wants this conversation to stop so he can put it back in the box and not think of it.

He doesn’t want to hurt you and he is not intentionally trying to string you along …he just doesn’t want to deal with it.

There is nothing wrong with wanting the best for your kids, but I feel like his reasons are excuses …. At 6 and 16 when this started, how could any person realize what a child’s potential was or will be. Even today at 12 and 22 …either of them could change the world.

I think there is more to this than we know….but my question to you is…. why do you want another child?

 

[Joy]

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[BobRyan]

Since 2015 i have been asking my husband for another child ( at that time our son was 6 years old). At first he told me he will think about it because his daughter who is 16 (my step daughter) will be moving to live with us in 2016. Every year since then when i asked him he replies he dont know and he is still thinking about it.

He lost his job in 2019 (as a manager) and then starting working again in 2020 but at a lesser pay and position. When i brought the topic back up he still doesnt know. Fast forward to present day he tells me of his fears going back in and "starting over", he had his daughter when he was 19 and had given up alot for her ( a potential softball career), and also mentioned that the kids dont meet up to his expectations sports wise (basketball). He loves them and wants them to be great and the best at everything they do. However it looks like they are not meeting his expectations he doesn't want another child to go through that again.

I am feeling very resentful and feel like he has been stringing me along these last 6 years. I have been praying for another child since 2015 and have asked God for a sign but i just feel that all of this is just an excuse. Previous to our relationship and marriage he didnt care about a lot and was carefree about a lot of things. But i feel like ever since he met me he wants everything to be done by the book.

so you have two children, he is 35 and his step daughter is 16 right? His big concern is more likely the job stability and lower pay -- and "kids doing well in sports" might be him thinking that having a child with income from sports would be a nice insurance policy in an unstable job market. However the number of athletes that "make big bucks" compared to the total number of athletes is like playing the lottery. Sure there "are" winners but the odds of being one is very low.

Income and job stability is a big thing to a man that is contemplating supporting more children. I would suggest praying for the Job problem as a first step and asking him if he would agree that x or y improvement in job situation would indicate it is ok to add one more child.

The other thing to check is his health. Make sure he is in good health. One has to be in fairly good health to go back to being parent-of-toddler etc. If you had a new baby today - then IN ten years he is 46 going on 50 with a ten year old going on 15.

 

[JSC2009]

He is actually 41 and i am 36. Thank you for your reply

 

[aiki]

Since 2015 i have been asking my husband for another child ( at that time our son was 6 years old). At first he told me he will think about it because his daughter who is 16 (my step daughter) will be moving to live with us in 2016. Every year since then when i asked him he replies he dont know and he is still thinking about it.

Surely, you must have guessed some time ago that "thinking about it" was code for "I don't want to." We are warned against this sort of talk in Scripture, actually. Believers are told to make their yes, yes and their no, no. Equivocation is not, generally, supposed to be part of a believer's response to questions. Your husband should have come right out and said "No," not deflect and evade by using postponing language. What is there in your relationship that would prompt him to be evasive with you?

He lost his job in 2019 (as a manager) and then starting working again in 2020 but at a lesser pay and position. When i brought the topic back up he still doesnt know. Fast forward to present day he tells me of his fears going back in and "starting over", he had his daughter when he was 19 and had given up alot for her ( a potential softball career), and also mentioned that the kids dont meet up to his expectations sports wise (basketball). He loves them and wants them to be great and the best at everything they do. However it looks like they are not meeting his expectations he doesn't want another child to go through that again.

God doesn't create children for the purpose of making them servants to the unfulfilled dreams of their parents. God makes human life to know, love, enjoy and glorify Him. He intends that parents should be acting in all they do to facilitate this communion between God and the children He has given them - even if doing so interferes with, or destroys, the personal goals the parents might have for their kids (becoming a doctor, or lawyer, or professional athlete, or musician, etc.).

Scripture says, too, that God "opens and shuts the womb." So, then, if He gives children to a couple, He has made them pregnant, not the couple themselves. And in light of this, the Great Question the couple then should ask is, "What does God want us to do with the child He has created and given to us?" Talk of disappointment in children, and fear of the expense of raising them are not vital considerations in caring for the life God puts into your hands. Whether or not your children please your husband in becoming famous, or successful, or accomplished and applauded is of no interest to God whatever - especially if the children are living to His honor and glory.

I am feeling very resentful and feel like he has been stringing me along these last 6 years. I have been praying for another child since 2015 and have asked God for a sign but i just feel that all of this is just an excuse.

God gives you a sign concerning children by making you pregnant - or not. If He has not, be content. Children are eternal souls God creates to serve Him; He does not create children just to satisfy some motherly yearning. If He has not given you more children, trust He knows best.

Previous to our relationship and marriage he didnt care about a lot and was carefree about a lot of things. But i feel like ever since he met me he wants everything to be done by the book.

Interesting. Why is that, do you think?

 

[bèlla]

I’m sorry you’re hurting and agree he should of been honest. Harboring resentment isn’t the answer. You’ll have a root of bitterness and see your husband through that guise.

Marriage isn’t a vehicle for getting everything we want. Some desires won’t be fulfilled or compromise is required. Love must exceed personal wants. Allowing the leaven in your head sows discord that works its way to the heart.

Forgive him and lay it down. Allow the Lord to decide and give you peace. Permitting this to fester will only drive a wedge between you. I’ve seen this firsthand and divorce was on the table. Don’t fall in that trap.

Draw near to God and ask Him to heal your heart and teach you how to love and serve your husband without resistance or blame. Heap blessings upon him and keep his name on your lips when you pray. The stony heart will soften and overflow.

Love covers a multitude of sins. There’s nothing too hard for God.

~bella

 

[RaymondG]

Are you able to take care of a child on your own, or will you need his support financially? If not, you can discuss with him the option of artificial insemination and give a deadline for him to give an opinion before deciding on your own. If you need support, you can work on becoming financially stable enough to be able to support the child you want on your own.

This way, all the fault will lie own yourself and you will have no reason to resent another. Start working on being able to provide yourself with what you desire....prepare for the worst, and hope for the best.

 

[thewayforme]

Since 2015 i have been asking my husband for another child ( at that time our son was 6 years old). At first he told me he will think about it because his daughter who is 16 (my step daughter) will be moving to live with us in 2016. Every year since then when i asked him he replies he dont know and he is still thinking about it.

He lost his job in 2019 (as a manager) and then starting working again in 2020 but at a lesser pay and position. When i brought the topic back up he still doesnt know. Fast forward to present day he tells me of his fears going back in and "starting over", he had his daughter when he was 19 and had given up alot for her ( a potential softball career), and also mentioned that the kids dont meet up to his expectations sports wise (basketball). He loves them and wants them to be great and the best at everything they do. However it looks like they are not meeting his expectations he doesn't want another child to go through that again.

I am feeling very resentful and feel like he has been stringing me along these last 6 years. I have been praying for another child since 2015 and have asked God for a sign but i just feel that all of this is just an excuse. Previous to our relationship and marriage he didnt care about a lot and was carefree about a lot of things. But i feel like ever since he met me he wants everything to be done by the book.

Just my 2 cents, but from what I read in the bible, I would be asking God for another child, and this may all boil down to you trusting in God "first". Prayer for your husband's walk with God as well, and most of all I would ask for God's Will to be done, not my own, or, for my will to align with God's.