Feeling like I don't belong

[peaceful-forest]

Lately, I have increasingly felt like I don't belong. I feel like it's hard to find a group of Christians to relate to. I don't really care for my co-workers. I even lost a friend at work earlier this year.

I have this great desire to relate to others and they have the same values and beliefs as me, but I'm not finding it.

I don't know what to do about it. This situation has me feeling lonely.

 

[Freth]

I grew up in a church that I considered my family. I had friends, and people I could relate to. There were other kids my age, but also adults in the church who took it upon themselves to be good role models and second parents. I was truly blessed. I grew older and the world pulled me away.

I came back to the faith thirty years later, but I no longer lived close to my home town church, having moved to another town to be close to work. At first I looked at my old church through its online presence, and considered making the drive. I decided that it had changed so much from what I remembered that I should take a chance on my local church instead. And so I did. What I found was a welcoming small congregation, and it felt like home. I'm sure it being my denomination helped.

However, my local church congregation consists mostly of families with kids younger than me and people older than me. Everyone seems to be married and have kids, or elderly, and so I haven't even tried to reach out, being a single person. The pastor is over three churches, so he isn't at the church but maybe once a month, which makes it even more difficult.

I have online friends from my denomination on this forum, and friends of other denominations too. I speak with them in private conversations here and talk with them on the various forums. I interact with people like yourself, so I'm always making new acquaintances and friends.

Outside of Christianity, I have a few old friends who are non-Christians that I spend a few hours with every Sunday playing disc golf. I have online friends that I know from my participation in various communities, but those friendships tend to stay within the community setting. Having non-Christian friends gives me a chance to witness to others by example, and through conversation.

I guess what I'm trying to say is my Christian friends are pretty much right here on the forums. It is a great place to meet people and converse. I understand that it's no replacement for a good church family, but it's something.

I know if I hadn't put myself out there, I wouldn't be where I am, so my advice is to not be afraid to try a new church, or to start a conversation with people, and get to know them. You can make friends in the most unlikely places.

If you need someone to talk to, or bounce some ideas off of I'd be more than happy to listen and give an honest view. Know that you are not alone. We are all a family in Christ.

 

[The Righterzpen]

Lately, I have increasingly felt like I don't belong. I feel like it's hard to find a group of Christians to relate to. I don't really care for my co-workers. I even lost a friend at work earlier this year.

I have this great desire to relate to others and they have the same values and beliefs as me, but I'm not finding it.

I don't know what to do about it. This situation has me feeling lonely.

I've spent just about my whole life "feeling like I don't belong" (anywhere). It aint a comfortable feeling; but I don't think it's that unusual either.

Part of my "problem" is that I'm quite the "theology nerd". And it's often hard to find people who (mostly) have the maturity to be teachable and willing to learn and "bounce ideas" off each other. But this is true in areas not related to faith too. Such as in this day and age; having discussions on opposing political issues is very difficult because there's just stuff going on in society that..... I guess people's brains are broken? Not that this sort of thing didn't exist before the pandemic; but Covid just seemed to make the phenomena worse.

So I pray and just keep reading.

Personally I think this is probably "a sign of the times" (meaning we're getting close to the end of it. After all, Jesus himself posed this question of "Will the son of man find faith on the earth when he does return?"
Good question Jesus; I don't know; but Your the omniscient One, not me!

 

[Muhan]

Lately, I have increasingly felt like I don't belong. I feel like it's hard to find a group of Christians to relate to. I don't really care for my co-workers. I even lost a friend at work earlier this year.

I have this great desire to relate to others and they have the same values and beliefs as me, but I'm not finding it.

I don't know what to do about it. This situation has me feeling lonely.

And later on
And whosoever was not found written in the book of life was cast into the lake of fire.

Cheer up, you haven't reached that point in time, Yet.

 

[CerebralCherub]

It can be very normal for people to feel like they don't belong, and those people typically don't broadcast this feeling to the people they don't feel they belong to, so we don't hear about it often.

I have an 'exceptionally high' IQ of 140 (I believe my parents have confirmation paperwork, I don't) and that has made me very much an outsider in regular society.

I went to a 'gifted and talented' school half of the school week and then just regular school the other half of the week.

Already, that made things weird for me as a kid.

To make matters worse, I am a woman and a very logical, pragmatic, blunt woman who doesn't share a lot of interests with other women does not make for a great social experience in childhood, adulthood or at work. I have had to really practice communication and trying to at least act like I care about mundane topics in order to not be a social pariah because my profession is very people oriented.

In addition to that, the few women I know confide in me about being neurotic, having anxiety etc and I am a problem solver so am not a good ear. If I hear that something is bothering someone, I offer solutions and kind of dismiss the person if they don't take me up on them in preference of just talking. This is not an endearing feature.

Further to that, my parents decided that my mom would work and my dad would stay home and, as a result, I was pretty much raised by a man. My IQ and my dad have meant that I'm pretty much viewed as Spock from star trek from men and women so where else can I go!

All of that to say that my IQ has been a social hinderance and I was not taught what being 'exceptional' means and how to navigate around this outside of a classroom or laboratory where the real world hangs out. As a result, I have always been an outsider and pretty lonely. My husband, whilst not a genius, appreciates me for being quirky but my daughter often tells me I need communication classes and a lot of other improvement courses to talk to people appropriately!

So, I hope you get some peace in knowing that you're not alone. We're out here but, like you, we don't tell everyone we feel like we don't belong. We kind of just get along with things. Like someone else said, this forum is great because you know others are here for you and hear you.

I hope you find some peace by sharing your circumstance and through some of the responses.

God bless!

 

[peaceful-forest]

I know if I hadn't put myself out there, I wouldn't be where I am, so my advice is to not be afraid to try a new church, or to start a conversation with people, and get to know them. You can make friends in the most unlikely places.

I know this will sound bad, but I haven't gone to church in 6 years. After I had left the Southern Baptist church I had been a member of for years, I did try a church that was the Evangelical Free Church of American denomination, and I liked it, until they had a sermon about baptism that left me confused.

I've heard from others to try other denominations, but I do not feel right about going to churches that affirm homosexuality.

During my physical church absence, I've been listening to Charles Stanley. I used to read study guides from David Jeremiah. And now I've been reading from various authors to grow my faith, like Philip B. Payne, Beth Allison Barr, Sheila Wray Gregoire, etc.

I don't know if I'll ever go back to church.

 

[peaceful-forest]

Part of my "problem" is that I'm quite the "theology nerd". And it's often hard to find people who (mostly) have the maturity to be teachable and willing to learn and "bounce ideas" off each other. But this is true in areas not related to faith too. Such as in this day and age; having discussions on opposing political issues is very difficult because there's just stuff going on in society that..... I guess people's brains are broken? Not that this sort of thing didn't exist before the pandemic; but Covid just seemed to make the phenomena worse.

I think others are less teachable than they should be. If Jesus wants to form us into the person we ought to be, shouldn't we be teachable?

I think this is my problem too. I'll notice an error in someone's Christian beliefs, but they don't agree with me. To give a real example - once in Bible study class we were going over Exodus. The teacher believed that God forced Pharaoh to sin and led him to his death. I don't believe that, because God doesn't make anyone sin (but may allow them to sin). But she insisted on her position. And she's a Bible study teacher at church.

I think there's issues in non-Christian areas as well. As you mentioned - politics.

 

[DragonFox91]

It's very, very, very hard as a Christian. Most of the people you will be introduced to don't care at all for the God of the Bible, & you are often all alone w/ them. Evangelists often won't tell you this. Jesus did.

I tend to do better w/ Christian groups. But sadly, as a single person, I feel like many Christians are often married & that can be a barrier. The other barrier I find is 'cultural Christians' - they confess w/ their mouth but don't really seem to be living it either.

 

[Richard T]

I will try a different tact. In my well-traveled life, I have found spots in the world where I do not fit in. I mean it can be a like a desert. In one place it can really be rough, in another I can flourish. Sometimes too I think that God allows one to be uncomfortable to get them to move. Just not as extreme as Jonah.
I don't condemn your lack of church involvement but you were created not just to get something out of fellowship but even more importantly to find somewhere that you can give. So whether it is a new town or your fellowship in church, I would try some new things especially with the leading of the Holy Spirit in mind. I pray you can find God's will and in it the path for more engagement with others. God bless!

 

[The Righterzpen]

I think others are less teachable than they should be. If Jesus wants to form us into the person we ought to be, shouldn't we be teachable?

I think this is my problem too. I'll notice an error in someone's Christian beliefs, but they don't agree with me. To give a real example - once in Bible study class we were going over Exodus. The teacher believed that God forced Pharaoh to sin and led him to his death. I don't believe that, because God doesn't make anyone sin (but may allow them to sin). But she insisted on her position. And she's a Bible study teacher at church.

I think there's issues in non-Christian areas as well. As you mentioned - politics.

Yes, it is difficult. It'd been 7 or 8 years now since I'd gone to any particular church with any consistency. The one church, myself and my son had been at for about a decade; we got burned really bad. He stopped going now at all too. He has a friend who's in college and he'll go with the friend to church; but isn't particularly interested in going with me.... "trying to find the right place".

There's only one church experience I'd ever had where I felt like the people there were happy to see me when I walked in the door. This was a house church, lead by a southern fellow and his wife who'd just moved into the area and were "trying out" churches in the area and just happened to run into me at one of the ones they were trying. And since I had an intense interest in studying the atonement; they asked me if I was interested in joining their group. I did and it worked out well for me.

I'd just gotten out of the military and I was extremely depressed. The fellow that ran the group worked for the Department of Defense and so he was very familiar with veterans. I had PTSD from Desert Storm. (1991 Gulf War). But also had PTSD from my childhood. His wife was very kind in trying to help me through the stuff that happened when I was a kid. She was kind of like a mom / big sister to me.

Unfortunately though, they didn't stay in the area as long as they thought they were going to. It was supposed to be a 5 year contract as his work, but it was probably only about 6 to 8 months before the DOD sent him someplace else. So they moved. Another couple in the group also moved. (They went to help her take care of her parents.) The third couple; the husband decided he wasn't saved and wanted nothing more to do with church; and so it was down to just me and one other couple. We continued to meet; just the three of us for about a month or so when they told me; they'd decided that we all probably should just try to find conventional churches.

And that was that!

Eventually we all lost track of each other and.... so many times I've wished I could track them down. But I lost the contact information and not even sure I remember their names correctly any more? They were pretty common names, so I'm not thinking I'm ever going to find them at this point, on this side of eternity. I don't even know if they are still alive. That was 30 years ago now.

Where'd the time go?

 

[JohnC101]

Try to stick around the church after service to talk to other church-goers.

May God bless all of your endeavors!

 

[timf]

As you mature in faith, you will find fewer with whom can relate and some who will hate you.

Joh 15:19 If ye were of the world, the world would love his own: but because ye are not of the world, but I have chosen you out of the world, therefore the world hateth you.

 

[Freth]

I know this will sound bad, but I haven't gone to church in 6 years. After I had left the Southern Baptist church I had been a member of for years, I did try a church that was the Evangelical Free Church of American denomination, and I liked it, until they had a sermon about baptism that left me confused.

I've heard from others to try other denominations, but I do not feel right about going to churches that affirm homosexuality.

During my physical church absence, I've been listening to Charles Stanley. I used to read study guides from David Jeremiah. And now I've been reading from various authors to grow my faith, like Philip B. Payne, Beth Allison Barr, Sheila Wray Gregoire, etc.

I don't know if I'll ever go back to church.

This is why it is important for a Christian to study scripture to know the truth. I think you did the right thing. I wouldn't have stayed in a church that goes against what the Bible says, whether it be on baptism, affirming homosexuality, or some other point of doctrine.

One litmus test for churches is to go to their website and test their stated beliefs with scripture. It won't cover every doctrine they believe, but it'll go a long way toward understanding what the church believes at its core, so you can make an informed decision whether or not to attend.

I recommend YouTube for a broad spectrum of Christian content. So many churches stream their services live, and post regularly. You can see what the various denominations and individual churches are like. I watch sermons and seminars and use my computer to take notes while following along in the Bible. It has helped me to learn and grow, and I have a collection of notes. (I also keep my scriptural forum posts as notes.)

Speaking of reading... My denomination has hundreds of books and periodicals written by our church pioneers (and a long history of study guides) going back to the 1800's. I grew up reading some of them, but I didn't have a real appreciation until I revisited them in adulthood. This led me to want to put together a Christian library with references, commentaries and what not.

I started to visit my local used book stores, looking for books to add to my library. I didn't limit myself, I picked up books from various sources, not just my own denomination. In my search, I found that books from that era (the 1800's and early 1900's) are some of the best Christian books ever written. The authors knew their subject, and they were meticulous. Such joys to read. There is a wealth of knowledge in those vintage books.

I understand the need to be in a place where you share beliefs with others. There are people out there who share your beliefs, and there is a church out there for you. I have no doubt that the Holy Spirit will lead you where you need to go.

In the meantime, I have no idea whether or not we share the same beliefs, but I do know we are of one body. You are not alone.

God bless!

 

[Muhan]

May God bless all of your endeavors!

Why would you want to God to bless them in all their endeavors?

 

[JohnC101]

Why would you want to God to bless them in all their endeavors?

I'm hoping that what they do is godly and that the end result of their endeavors would be a blessing to everyone else as well.

 

[Muhan]

I'm hoping that what they do is godly and that the end result of their endeavors would be a blessing to everyone else as well.

I never ever put any hope in anyone or anything but God.
Especially concerning all sinners. They tend to remain sinners.

 

[bèlla]

Reframing your desire may bring you peace in the interim. Instead of limiting yourself to christians who share your values and beliefs open yourself to the possibility of positive connections where you’re able to be yourself and share your interests with likeminded individuals. You’ll rarely find sameness with anyone and unlikely to remain in an identical place together. We change and progress at different paces and the more adaptable we become the easier it is to accept.

Doing the things we enjoy is usually an avenue for encountering others with similar passions. And even within that sphere we must allow nuance. Five years ago I was focused on self-sufficiency and keeping company with those doing the same. But now I feel differently and no longer have those discussions. While there’s a practical side of course it isn’t the reason for my involvement. It’s a love affair between my home and its occupants and engagement is a privilege. But I wouldn’t have said the same in the past and my reasons have evolved.

That’s the danger of pursuing sameness on its own. We rarely account for the evolution in others and usually get blindsided when it happens. People change, pick up things and put down others. Availability may increase or do otherwise. I used to love to talk on the phone and exchange messages. Now the thought is wearisome. Not because of anything that happened nor the fault of the other. I’ve outgrown it and need less contact through those mediums. A meal or outing would suffice.

A little diversity may be in order. And bear in mind, it’s just a season. Life waxes and wines and riding the tides is best. And a closing note on the teachable comment. We have to be mindful of people’s boundaries and allow them to invite us into their confidence. Sharing an experience or opinion doesn’t mean they want our input or we‘ve achieved a level of trust where it’s welcomed. It’s acceptable in mediums like this for obvious reasons.

But people aren’t forums and liberties can be costly. If you’re going to take that position make sure you can live with the consequences. I recall your previous thread about your friend and I’m not sure if I replied but there was a question of place when I read it. Connections are tiered and I would have gauged the scope of the bond beforehand. While you may not believe you’re overstepping it can be seen that way by others. And I wouldn’t assume you have more leeway with believers. Relationships take time to build and teaching can come off as talking to than talking with. God bless.

~bella

 

[Freth]

I'd like to add to the points Bella made.

It has been my experience that, when I've taken on new hobbies and interests, I've naturally gravitated towards communities that are involved in those activities, both online and local. I'm not an outgoing person, but all it took was a first step. This led to meeting new people and developing friendships.

Here are some examples from my own life.

---

Computers

My computer hobby has led to countless friendships over the years, through various interests.

While in high school I made a friend through my fascination with computers (this was the 80's). We bonded through our common interest, and he is still my best friend today.

I had made a few friends in high school. I assumed that when school ended the friendships would end, but that didn't happen. We became life-long friends. One of those friends had other friends in a nearby town. Those friends became life-long friends through common interests, like computers, camping, fishing and more.

Just out of high school I started a bulletin board system (a dialup computer with message boards, files and games). It developed into a community of computer enthusiasts and led to a number of friendships. It also got me involved in starting a computer club with the local computer store, where we got together and shared all things computers with each other. This again led to more friendships.

Before I joined Christian Forums I started posting on Reddit Christian forums years before. Both led to friendships.

Geocaching

First I found the website, and started getting into geocaching. Then I stumbled upon a local group that got together for events. I started posting on their forums, which led to me attending their events and making new friends.

Bushcraft

My interest in learning survival skills in the woods led me to start my own YouTube channel where I shared my journey and ideas. I made new friends online and in the community. This crossed over with geocaching when I left a hidden geocache with gifts for one of my viewers.

Hammock Camping/Minimalist Backpacking

Bushcrafting led to my interest in hammock camping where I joined a popular hammock forum. This led to me going to Minnesota on a hike, where I met some of the people I interacted with on the forums.

Airsoft

One of my friends had a co-worker that was forming an airsoft team. He invited us (myself and other mutual friends) to meet and see what it was all about. Four of us joined. We started training in military tactics to prepare for competing in regional and national events. I created a website and forum where we started interacting with other players and teams. We then started attending events and competing. After we were well-established in the community, we started hosting our own events. The friendships I made through airsoft were many, but I also grew as a person because of the training (discipline, leadership, various skills), and the interactions I had with other players and teams.

What an experience it was.

Disc Golf

I had known about disc golf for years, but I always shrugged it off because I have never been able to throw a frisbee to save my life. As friends often do, they find new things for us to do, and disc golf was one of them. Now I'm am competent at throwing, and I'm walking miles every time I play, which gets me out in the fresh air and getting exercise I wouldn't get otherwise. We get together every Sunday. And now my older brother just caught the bug and wants to join, which will give me more quality time with my brother.

---

All of these things, and so many more, have brought a sense of belonging to my life.

As Bella said, people change, and interests change. There is a natural ebb and flow. Some friendships fade, some remain. Each new endeavor opens up new opportunities for friendships and belonging. It can be the simplest thing, but lead to lasting friendships.

You might've noticed that in most cases message boards/forums were instrumental in bringing me together with others. It is essentially the same as reading a post on a physical community bulletin board at a local business or library and deciding to reach out or attend an event.

Many of these things happened while I was, "in the world," and not a professed Christian. As a Christian, I look at my interactions with others as an opportunity to witness, by word and example.

Belonging isn't limited to hobbies and interests. It is also found in the church, and in Christian circles like this forum.

I'm not saying you should compromise on what a church teaches (I wouldn't). I'm saying there is community and belonging to be found in Christendom, even if your beliefs differ from others.

 

[bèlla]

Thank you @Freth.

We’re living in a period of transition and many changes are underway. Which implies, the old way of doing things in certain areas won’t work anymore or yield the results you expect. You have to be willing to try different approaches and throw spaghetti at the wall if required. The longer you resist the necessity of doing so the more you’ll suffer.

The hard truth that must be accepted is we’re not going back. We’ll never go back to the way things were in the period you crave. The world is moving on and will do so with or without us. The only thing we have to decide is whether we’re willing to change or be left behind.

If you’re a student of the subject you’ll notice the shifts are happening faster. We move from one stage to the next before many get on board and by the time they do we’re on to something else. Once upon a time we communicated through forums now we’ve moved to social media and we’re preparing for VR. We can’t get stuck in our ways because we’re going to be frustrated and feeling left out.

I nearly did the same concerning Ai until I heard a presentation from a business associate on how she applied it in her work. Another followed suit and making the shift was a no brainer. They’re mature believers who are wise with sound practices. I wasn’t concerned they’d go too far and needed the nudge.

It spearheaded a significant shift in my outlook and a lessening concern about the evil ones. They’re going to do what they’re going to do and I have to do the same. I can’t sit on my hands or pound on doors that have outlived their usefulness. I must be willing to shift and I did.

There’s things we enjoy which may not have a christian presence and that’s okay. We can’t spend our life on the sidelines waiting for believers to appear. We have to make the most of the time we have and enjoy it if we can. That’s my intention.

~bella

 

[Freth]

Thank you @Freth.

We’re living in a period of transition and many changes are underway. Which implies, the old way of doing things in certain areas won’t work anymore or yield the results you expect. You have to be willing to try different approaches and throw spaghetti at the wall if required. The longer you resist the necessity of doing so the more you’ll suffer.

The hard truth that must be accepted is we’re not going back. We’ll never go back to the way things were in the period you crave. The world is moving on and will do so with or without us. The only thing we have to decide is whether we’re willing to change or be left behind.

If you’re a student of the subject you’ll notice the shifts are happening faster. We move from one stage to the next before many get on board and by the time they do we’re on to something else. Once upon a time we communicated through forums now we’ve moved to social media and we’re preparing for VR. We can’t get stuck in our ways because we’re going to be frustrated and feeling left out.

I nearly did the same concerning Ai until I heard a presentation from a business associate on how she applied it in her work. Another followed suit and making the shift was a no brainer. They’re mature believers who are wise with sound practices. I wasn’t concerned they’d go too far and needed the nudge.

It spearheaded a significant shift in my outlook and a lessening concern about the evil ones. They’re going to do what they’re going to do and I have to do the same. I can’t sit on my hands or pound on doors that have outlived their usefulness. I must be willing to shift and I did.

There’s things we enjoy which may not have a christian presence and that’s okay. We can’t spend our life on the sidelines waiting for believers to appear. We have to make the most of the time we have and enjoy it if we can. That’s my intention.

~bella

I don't want to derail the thread too much, so I'll just make a brief statement in response. I wanted to touch on social media and AI.

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Spoiler: Hidden so others don't have to read it, as it detracts from the thread.

Many of us are leaving corporate controlled internet/social media behind and moving to smaller communites where there are no corporate pervues, no "official" narratives, and no ads.​

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I once had accounts on all of the social media platforms, and used them regularly. At some point I developed a "bipolar" condition with social media (a love/hate relationship). I loved what its potential could be, but I hated what it had become; a scrolling dopamine addiction. I closed my Twitter and Instagram accounts, among others.​

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These days I only keep my Facebook account so I can stay in touch with a few friends, and have access to vegetarian recipe posts on a group run by a member of my denomination.​

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There is a whole other world out there on the internet you don't see, or probably aren't even aware of. Numerous platforms of various shapes and sizes, all with communities of people interacting with each other. The internet is alive and well, but you wouldn't know it by looking at a Google search.​

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Give me that obscure terminal based forum on that community Linux server. I would much rather be there than on Twitter. The benefit of forums... I can read about the latest tech. I can get the latest news. I can find out about the latest AI models. I am fully tapped in, and I don't have to use a Google search or a social media app.​

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Regarding AI, I think it has huge potential for making our lives easier. However, I refuse to use a corporate AI in my operating system (Microsoft's CoPilot and Recall features; the reason I left Windows for Linux) or at home (Google, Apple). Open source is the much better option.​

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In closing, I'm all for progress, and I am for social media if it is done the right way. I would prefer it to be free open source software that gets out of your way and lets you connect with others, and doesn't try to exploit you in the process. Same for AI.​

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Hopefully that all makes sense. It is okay if we disagree on some points. Maybe it's something we can discuss at length on another thread at some point. Friendly regards.​

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