Feeling like a priority

[Fred2015]

Hi all, new member here. I'm frustrated and unsure what to say or do. A situation happened a couple nights ago that made me feel like less of a priority, and without going into too much background, I feel it is a pretty common theme in our marriage. Almost every time we get together with my wife's family (they come to our place or we go there) they will stay up somewhat late talking with each other. Typically I don't have an issue with this...but when they are at our home and stay until 10:30/11:00pm when I wake up early the next morning for work, I just find it disrespectful. My wife is angry with me because she feels she needs to be rude to her family in order to please me in this regard.

The other day my wife's dad had surgery, and she stayed in contact with her sister via text the entire day. Surgery went well, but he was groggy and weird coming out of anesthesia. Later that night before putting our kid to bed, my wife says she wants to have sex that night, but then at 9:30pm (right when we get the kid to bed and we can have our time together) she gets a call from her sister. She said she'd make it a quick call. 30 minutes later I asked her to go to a different room rather than talk on the phone right next to me in bed. On her way out of the room, I called to her three times and she ignored me. She later said it was too difficult to pay attention to two people talking at the same time for the reason she ignored me.

Am I crazy for feeling like a lower priority than her family here? I should also mention the 45 minute phone conversation with her sister consisted mostly of gossip, not about her dad's surgery. I brought it up that it didn't make me feel like a priority, especially after her indicating she wanted time with me that night, but this just resulted in a huge fight.

Does anyone have suggestions on how to deal with the differences between families? Any suggestions on how to fight fair? We tried doing "the floor" which gives each of us time to talk without interruption, but that failed miserably.

 

[Endeavourer]

Your wife is engaging in independent behavior, or behavior which she does purposefully but at your expense. As you can see, doing so causes love units to be withdrawn from her account with you.

What do you think of these articles?

The Giver & Taker
The Policy of Joint Agreement

If a couple guides their marriage by this policy, one spouse will not be affected by what the other does because they are in agreement. Initially it's hard to not get your way, but the beautiful harmony that results in the marriage more than makes up for it. Plus, you can brainstorm together for some solution that you both like.

I will give you that family is one of the more difficult topics because one of you has such a deeper attachment to them than the other. However, in a marriage **everything in your lives has to be on the table for negotiation (**short of renouncing your faith, abuse, infidelity, or matters of health/safety of course). That's why it's important to marry someone who shares your same faith.

In my marriage, I also have a lopsided attachment to my family (i.e. my husband is not as attached as I am), so I'm very careful to only interact in a way he feels enthusiastic about so that I don't create a larger issue where he isn't enthusiastic about me interacting with them at all!

My very dearly beloved father had it out with my husband on a matter and although dad acts conciliatory, he will not apologize. As a result, my husband is not comfortable staying in their home.

Since I'm enthusiastic about visiting them, we had to brainstorm for a way that he, too, would be enthusiastic about visiting them. He is enthusiastic about visiting if we don't spend the night in their house but if we stay in a hotel.

So, when we travel to visit them now we stay in a hotel and we don't stay as long. However, I'm grateful that my husband is still enthusiastic about visiting them because as soon as he isn't, then according to the Policy of Joint Agreement, the dynamics of my relationship with my parents will change again. I have to put my marriage before my parents if there's a conflict - or else my marriage could become damaged.

Are there any things you do (independent behaviors) that upset her? If so, perhaps you can sit down to negotiate through these things so you arrive at a conclusion that you're mutually enthusiastic about.

If one person is enthusiastic about doing something that the other person isn't, a fair question is: is there anything I could change about the situation so you are enthusiastic? If not, the action cannot be pursued or else it will cause resentment in the other spouse.

While not pursing the action may cause temporary resentment in the denied spouse, the temporary resentment will go away as soon as you find something to replace the action that you are both enthusiastic about. However, if the person independently proceeds to do the action anyway, the other spouse permanently has a memory now of an incident they deeply resent. This is damaging to the marriage. So, if there is not an agreement, it's very important to refrain from action until there is an agreement. If the action is time sensitive, then it is lost. Better to miss a deadline than create lasting resentment in your marriage.

What would you think about sharing those articles with your wife for her thoughts, along with an offer to give up any independent behaviors you may have until mutually enthusiastic resolution is reached?

 

[Endeavourer]

Later that night before putting our kid to bed, my wife says she wants to have sex that night, but then at 9:30pm (right when we get the kid to bed and we can have our time together) she gets a call from her sister. She said she'd make it a quick call.
. I brought it up that it didn't make me feel like a priority, especially after her indicating she wanted time with me that night, but this just resulted in a huge fight.

Be careful to never punish her for a suggestion like this not being followed through on or else she will refrain from initiating these suggestions in the future. Millions of men would be extremely jealous of this situation and would **LOVE** it if their wives would have sex with them at all, let alone initiate.

Protect this! Never punish her if her suggestion doesn't work out.

Mutually satisfactory sexual fulfillment requires a very delicate balance in a marriage; once the balance is offset, it is very difficult to recover.

Does anyone have suggestions on how to deal with the differences between families? Any suggestions on how to fight fair? We tried doing "the floor" which gives each of us time to talk without interruption, but that failed miserably.

Fighting KILLS marriages. Never allow yourself to fight again. Even in the face of very difficult conflicts, negotiation for an "us" win, not a "me" win.

My husband and I have been able to resolve some very personal and difficult conflicts in a way that built our love up for each other during the resolution and increased it more so afterwards. If you are both negotiating for a win for the other person, the negotiations can be very affirming, and strengthening to your marriage.

So, negotiate with the other person's taker and refuse to allow their giver to be coerced. If they do the same with you, then your takers are happy, you're both enthusiastic about the results and the agreement is more likely to be kept because you both like it.

The anatomy of a fight is generally this:
- one spouse makes a selfish demand (a demand to which the other person cannot say no)
- when the other spouse doesn't want to fulfill the demand, the first spouse escalates into disrespectful judgements to get their way.
- generally the other spouse responds accordingly with some disrespect of their own, escalating the abuse with their own abuse.
- one or both spouses become angry and have an outburst at the other person.

The Bible says that an angry man is a fool. When you are angry at your wife, you literally are behaving like a fool. A lot of angry people don't remember everything they said during an outburst so the damage inflicted is often greater than they can clean up afterwards.

It is possible to refrain from anger; never escalate abuse with more abuse. Instead table the issue until everyone has calmed down. If the other spouse will not table it, walk away. Don't allow yourself to act in anger.

 

[*LILAC]

It is very frustrating when trying to get some time with the spouse when they drop everything for their family instead of you. You know, my husband and I used to practice the "gotta ask the hub/wife FIRST" before planning or doing stuff even with family (whom you are not married to). My sisters would roll their eyes and have the "you don't need to ask to do something" attitude. Um, yes I do. The minute I said I DO to my husband and made all vows and promises to HIM and to GOD... yes. He became my absolute FIRST priority. I have gotten pretty good at ignoring phone calls and texts. If I'm busy with hubby, it gets turned off until we get our alone time. Even now, we're trying to keep a rule that devices and such get turned off at such and such time in the evening. If we know everyone is well and OK... turn it off! There really is no need to be having it on 24/7.

 

[DZoolander]

Well, I have a couple of thoughts.

What time do you have to be up for work, and how big is your house? Like my wife can have friends or family over - and they hang out on the back porch to have their conversations/have a glass of wine. I can very easily go to bed upstairs and not hear a peep/go to sleep if they're going to stay up later than I like. Is that not doable at your house? Because personally I wouldn't find 10ish to be that late or intrusive on my time.

...and how often does that happen?

With respect to the conversation with the sister - is that being judged in the context of your feelings re: the family staying at the house too late but isolated other than that - or does that happen regularly?

 

[Fred2015]

Your wife is engaging in independent behavior, or behavior which she does purposefully but at your expense. As you can see, doing so causes love units to be withdrawn from her account with you.

What do you think of these articles?

The Giver & Taker
The Policy of Joint Agreement

If a couple guides their marriage by this policy, one spouse will not be affected by what the other does because they are in agreement. Initially it's hard to not get your way, but the beautiful harmony that results in the marriage more than makes up for it. Plus, you can brainstorm together for some solution that you both like.

I will give you that family is one of the more difficult topics because one of you has such a deeper attachment to them than the other. However, in a marriage **everything in your lives has to be on the table for negotiation (**short of renouncing your faith, abuse, infidelity, or matters of health/safety of course). That's why it's important to marry someone who shares your same faith.

In my marriage, I also have a lopsided attachment to my family (i.e. my husband is not as attached as I am), so I'm very careful to only interact in a way he feels enthusiastic about so that I don't create a larger issue where he isn't enthusiastic about me interacting with them at all!

My very dearly beloved father had it out with my husband on a matter and although dad acts conciliatory, he will not apologize. As a result, my husband is not comfortable staying in their home.

Since I'm enthusiastic about visiting them, we had to brainstorm for a way that he, too, would be enthusiastic about visiting them. He is enthusiastic about visiting if we don't spend the night in their house but if we stay in a hotel.

So, when we travel to visit them now we stay in a hotel and we don't stay as long. However, I'm grateful that my husband is still enthusiastic about visiting them because as soon as he isn't, then according to the Policy of Joint Agreement, the dynamics of my relationship with my parents will change again. I have to put my marriage before my parents if there's a conflict - or else my marriage could become damaged.

Are there any things you do (independent behaviors) that upset her? If so, perhaps you can sit down to negotiate through these things so you arrive at a conclusion that you're mutually enthusiastic about.

If one person is enthusiastic about doing something that the other person isn't, a fair question is: is there anything I could change about the situation so you are enthusiastic? If not, the action cannot be pursued or else it will cause resentment in the other spouse.

While not pursing the action may cause temporary resentment in the denied spouse, the temporary resentment will go away as soon as you find something to replace the action that you are both enthusiastic about. However, if the person independently proceeds to do the action anyway, the other spouse permanently has a memory now of an incident they deeply resent. This is damaging to the marriage. So, if there is not an agreement, it's very important to refrain from action until there is an agreement. If the action is time sensitive, then it is lost. Better to miss a deadline than create lasting resentment in your marriage.

What would you think about sharing those articles with your wife for her thoughts, along with an offer to give up any independent behaviors you may have until mutually enthusiastic resolution is reached?

Thank you for the reply!
The giver and taker article certainly hits home. We haven't tried the policy of joint agreement, but we have discussed the matter of making our preferences know and that anything after that is an individual behavior that will may have consequences on the other. But that's really as far as that goes. We haven't been able to come together and discuss what the next step is if individual behaviors violate known preferences. I'll look more into the policy of joint agreement...it looks like it sets pretty strict guidelines. Did you and your spouse have any issues with that?

 

[Fred2015]

Be careful to never punish her for a suggestion like this not being followed through on or else she will refrain from initiating these suggestions in the future. Millions of men would be extremely jealous of this situation and would **LOVE** it if their wives would have sex with them at all, let alone initiate.

Protect this! Never punish her if her suggestion doesn't work out.

Mutually satisfactory sexual fulfillment requires a very delicate balance in a marriage; once the balance is offset, it is very difficult to recover.



Fighting KILLS marriages. Never allow yourself to fight again. Even in the face of very difficult conflicts, negotiation for an "us" win, not a "me" win.

My husband and I have been able to resolve some very personal and difficult conflicts in a way that built our love up for each other during the resolution and increased it more so afterwards. If you are both negotiating for a win for the other person, the negotiations can be very affirming, and strengthening to your marriage.

So, negotiate with the other person's taker and refuse to allow their giver to be coerced. If they do the same with you, then your takers are happy, you're both enthusiastic about the results and the agreement is more likely to be kept because you both like it.

The anatomy of a fight is generally this:
- one spouse makes a selfish demand (a demand to which the other person cannot say no)
- when the other spouse doesn't want to fulfill the demand, the first spouse escalates into disrespectful judgements to get their way.
- generally the other spouse responds accordingly with some disrespect of their own, escalating the abuse with their own abuse.
- one or both spouses become angry and have an outburst at the other person.

The Bible says that an angry man is a fool. When you are angry at your wife, you literally are behaving like a fool. A lot of angry people don't remember everything they said during an outburst so the damage inflicted is often greater than they can clean up afterwards.

It is possible to refrain from anger; never escalate abuse with more abuse. Instead table the issue until everyone has calmed down. If the other spouse will not table it, walk away. Don't allow yourself to act in anger.

This particular situation wasn't even about the sex part of it, it was about our time together...even if we are just sitting in silence reading or watching Netflix. I've tried very hard to not react in anger lately...last night I listened for 30 minutes about how I'm wrong. When I finally got my chance to respond, my thoughts and feelings were met with scoffs and eye rolls, something my wife has admitted in the past she needs to work on. But when I pointed it out, it became my fault, and I was told I shouldn't look at her when talking if the reactions bother me. I can only take so much of that.

 

[Fred2015]

Well, I have a couple of thoughts.

What time do you have to be up for work, and how big is your house? Like my wife can have friends or family over - and they hang out on the back porch to have their conversations/have a glass of wine. I can very easily go to bed upstairs and not hear a peep/go to sleep if they're going to stay up later than I like. Is that not doable at your house? Because personally I wouldn't find 10ish to be that late or intrusive on my time.

...and how often does that happen?

With respect to the conversation with the sister - is that being judged in the context of your feelings re: the family staying at the house too late but isolated other than that - or does that happen regularly?

It doesn't happen often...prior to this maybe every couple months, but with the holidays my wife's sister stayed with us for a week (and invited herself the day before). But most phone conversations with her family happen at night like that, the only time my wife and I have to each other after putting the kid down for bed. I get up for work at 6am...maybe it doesn't seem like a big deal to you, but this is stuff we've discussed after reading Love and Respect and daily marriage devotionals. I see it as a sign of respect.

 

[Endeavourer]

Thank you for the reply!
The giver and taker article certainly hits home. We haven't tried the policy of joint agreement, but we have discussed the matter of making our preferences know and that anything after that is an individual behavior that will may have consequences on the other. But that's really as far as that goes. We haven't been able to come together and discuss what the next step is if individual behaviors violate known preferences. I'll look more into the policy of joint agreement...it looks like it sets pretty strict guidelines. Did you and your spouse have any issues with that?

You are so welcome! Glad the giver/taker concept resonates with you. It's been a priceless building block in our marriage.

As to the strict guidelines, yes they are meticulous and sometimes one of us is left longing to do an action that just can't find mutual enthusiastic resolution. However, we know that to force the other into doing something they don't want would create resentment that will never go away (you can't undo an act) so we refuse to do that.

We had one premarital agreement that was very important to me, and in fact I wouldn't have married my husband at that time without it. When he realized he didn't like the agreement anymore, he stopped abiding by it and let me know it wasn't working for him. As important as that agreement was to me, I knew to force him to acquiesce would just give me my way temporarily and then we'd have a bigger problem with the issue later, now polluted with a giver's resentment. Therefore, I refused to demand that he give me my way (even if it was to keep a prior, big and sincerely meant agreement) as much as I wanted him to. Sometimes you just can't have your way.

We've had some other really thorny issues to overcome that never resulted in fights because we resolved them according to these methods.

Marriages have conflicts all the time. Even the most wonderful of marriages usually have a conflict or two every day - some every hour. Many are small, such as what to eat for dinner, whether to buy something, or whether to run laundry now or later, etc, but if you practice giver/taker awareness, conflicts literally *never* have to escalate into fights.

We maintain a romantic, "madly in love" state of marriage by avoiding lovebusters meticulously (independent behaviors, selfish demands, disrespectful judgements, anger outbursts), by spending undivided attention on each other every week (similar to when we were dating), and by purposefully meeting the other person's emotional needs (affection, conversation, recreational companionship, etc).

A Summary of Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts

At first it seems a little formulaic and rules-based, but the rules are based on research for what has worked in 10,000's of couples with happy marriages. Once you get the concepts down, you operate within them instinctively and it's as easy as breathing.

Since I have become a master at identifying them, for me to commit one would almost always have to be intentional - it's as obvious to me as putting a fork in the spoon slot when putting away silverware. As a result, our marriage feels to me like a 100 out of 100, and my husband affirms his joyful delight in our marriage every day. He often uses the word "perfect".

My husband is not as intrigued as all of this methodology as I am, so he abides by the general concepts outlined in the link above (to the extent he understands them, not having studied them). Also, I recognize any lovebusters he does and react in a productive way on the spot before it escalates into a problem. I diagnose lovebusters almost mechanically, not emotionally or taking them personally.

All this to say that even if your wife doesn't want to study this methodology, you can get your marriage 90% there by abiding with it yourself - assuming your wife is still in love with you and desires to engage in a good will relationship. If your wife will not initially respond with good will, then there are other ways to encourage her to participate productively in the relationship, but that is a different post.

 

[DZoolander]

How old are you two?

 

[Endeavourer]

. I get up for work at 6am...maybe it doesn't seem like a big deal to you, but this is stuff we've discussed after reading Love and Respect and daily marriage devotionals. I see it as a sign of respect.

Do yourself a favor and put that terrible book in the garbage as fast as you can. That book has created more damage and conflicts in marriage. It couldn't be more wrong. You need MUTUAL respect and MUTUAL love. The special revelation that Eggerich purports to have received to write that book is based on a proof text out of context.

I can provide more detailed information about the fallacies of that book if you are interested, but couples I know that read it engage in more conflict afterwards as the husband tries to police his wife's "respect" for him - often in a way that he himself is engaging in disrespect towards his wife.

If you want your wife to stay in love with you, you cannot engage in activities that withdraw love units, and demanding "respect"/obedience at the business end of a Bible (or book) is one of the fastest ways to withdraw love units you could come up with.

 

[Endeavourer]

but this is stuff we've discussed after reading Love and Respect and daily marriage devotionals. I see it as a sign of respect.

On other comment on this is that with this additional information it's possible a selfish demand (from you) is lurking in there.

You may have been wanting to demand she do something she is not enthusiastic about, and your punishment of her is your behavior that sounds like it can be huffy when you feel thwarted and so you judge her as disrespecting you for not giving you your way.

Do you see the anatomy of this fight? Did it break out this way?
- selfish demand for "respect"
- spouse is not enthusiastic about meeting the demand
- punishing/coercing disrespectful judgements applied ("you are not being respectful - listen to the Eggeriches!")
- your abuse of her is responded to with her abuse of you and anger outbursts ensue.

 

[DZoolander]

That's kinda where I'm going in my line of questioning.

I'm inclined to agree with the OP that the incident with the phone call was out of line and inconsiderate. But if that type of thing is infrequent then it's best to discuss it and move on.

But - if we're treading into territory where things like family coming over and staying until 10:30 is a sign of disrespect - then IMHO there needs to be further discussion. Like in my example with my wife and her visitors - nothing about them staying past 10 in any way interferes with my ability to sleep because my house is large enough to accommodate that. If we were in a 2BR apartment where they were just in the other room being loud - that would be another story altogether.

What's important is to not get into some tussle where both of you are fighting for what you believe to be "respect". In any mature relationship - neither side is going to get 100% of what they want. Fighting over "respect" over things like that can become destructive - because BOTH of you are entitled to respect in what you want. What becomes the best gauge in those arguments is whether or not what that person is doing is reasonable.

If you're going to her parent's house and she wants to stay past until 11pm - that's likely unreasonable - because you have no option but to stay up. Her action takes a toll on you. If you're at YOUR house and she wants to stay up until 11pm - and it doesn't interfere with your sleep or leave her in such a state where she can't take care of her responsibilities - then there's nothing unreasonable about her doing that.

...and she will fight you on it for that reason.

Respect is not a one way street. Setting your standards based upon what is reasonable or unreasonable behavior is the best place to start.

 

[Endeavourer]

That's kinda where I'm going in my line of questioning.

Very intuitive on your part. Agreed.

 

[Tropical Wilds]

I don’t know... Given that it happens every few months, but this time it’s on the uptick because of surgery and the holidays, which I think is normal. Yes, she mostly “gossiped” with her sister, but they’re two people seeking peace via each other on a joint event. It seems pretty normal to me and not a respect issue.

I’m more surprised that something that happens every few months is enough for the you to claim it’s a respect issue. So once every few months she wants a day to spend with her family... I guess I don’t see what the big deal is. You are her husband, but not the guardian of her time or the king of the house who can demand she must be available because now you’re available and you want her attention. She’s allowed to see and visit with people too, especially her family. Since her family is most likely unavailable during the day, I’m not sure when else she’s supposed to socialize with them. 95% of the time she doesn’t do it, so I’m not getting where the 5% is this massive violation that she needs a dressing down for or correction over.

 

[Fred2015]

That's kinda where I'm going in my line of questioning.

I'm inclined to agree with the OP that the incident with the phone call was out of line and inconsiderate. But if that type of thing is infrequent then it's best to discuss it and move on.

But - if we're treading into territory where things like family coming over and staying until 10:30 is a sign of disrespect - then IMHO there needs to be further discussion. Like in my example with my wife and her visitors - nothing about them staying past 10 in any way interferes with my ability to sleep because my house is large enough to accommodate that. If we were in a 2BR apartment where they were just in the other room being loud - that would be another story altogether.

What's important is to not get into some tussle where both of you are fighting for what you believe to be "respect". In any mature relationship - neither side is going to get 100% of what they want. Fighting over "respect" over things like that can become destructive - because BOTH of you are entitled to respect in what you want. What becomes the best gauge in those arguments is whether or not what that person is doing is reasonable.

If you're going to her parent's house and she wants to stay past until 11pm - that's likely unreasonable - because you have no option but to stay up. Her action takes a toll on you. If you're at YOUR house and she wants to stay up until 11pm - and it doesn't interfere with your sleep or leave her in such a state where she can't take care of her responsibilities - then there's nothing unreasonable about her doing that.

...and she will fight you on it for that reason.

Respect is not a one way street. Setting your standards based upon what is reasonable or unreasonable behavior is the best place to start.

Our house is big, but insulation is terrible. I can hear their conversations pretty much anywhere throughout the house. Our son has actually come out of bed before to ask them to quiet down because he's trying to sleep. If we are at someone else's house, I try very hard to not stay past our welcome and read those social cues indicating it might be time to go.

 

[Endeavourer]

I don't agree with all of Nate Spark's theology, but I sure do recommend you study his review on "Love and Respect" here:

Love, Respect, and Proof-Texts

It's a 4 part series. There are 1,000's of testimonies in sites supporting abused wives online of how wives have endured an abusive marriage thinking it was how they were called to behave in marriages based on specifically this book, or similar heretical books like The Sacred Marriage, the Pearl's garbage and others.

Initially, those books seem like they are preaching the Bible - however, the theology is just slightly twisted enough that a God dishonoring and abusive result ensues. The devil does his best work by twisting what God says just a little bit.

Read the testimonies of what wives endured under that twisted application of theology, and it the twist that is applied to what on the surface seems so biblical will become more clear to you. Cryingoutforjustice.com is a great web site to provide that insight. Initially you may think they are overplaying it, but just read in the comments the pain and suffering that abused wives have endured and then you realize there is an aspect to this area you have not been aware of.

I pray you are willing to challenge your filters on this topic. When you apply the full counsel of the Bible, the Eggerich's, Gary Thomas and the Pearl's teachings fall apart. The Bible's teaching on the marital relationship is not limited to only those verses that specifically mention marriage.

For example, the verses in Proverbs about how to relate with an angry man do not say "unless he is your husband". It is, in fact, a wise thing for a wife to even initiate a separation from an angry man if necessary (as Proverbs specifically advises) so she does not answer a fool according to his folly, and become a fool like him. How would a wife get that out of any of those books? She wouldn't. She'd think she is being called by God to submit better and that the abuse is somehow her fault for not doing her part well enough.

 

[Endeavourer]

This particular situation wasn't even about the sex part of it, it was about our time together...even if we are just sitting in silence reading or watching Netflix. I've tried very hard to not react in anger lately...last night I listened for 30 minutes about how I'm wrong. When I finally got my chance to respond, my thoughts and feelings were met with scoffs and eye rolls, something my wife has admitted in the past she needs to work on. But when I pointed it out, it became my fault, and I was told I shouldn't look at her when talking if the reactions bother me. I can only take so much of that.

This is a really terrible way to fight. Also, no anger outburst on your part is justified, ever. You may feel frustrated or anger, but that is quite different than outbursting. You'll never fix anything in the marriage at her expense, and an anger outburst is forcing something at her expense.

Requests are not demands when they start out as "how would you feel about....." so the two of you can brainstorm with mutual good will on how to resolve a conflict. There are 100 ways more than just your way (no talking after 10) or her way (talking after 10).

For example:
- could you sleep with earplugs?
- could they keep their voices down better?
- could the leave the house and talk over appetizers at a restaurant?
- could you stay in a hotel that night?
- could they all rent a suite and stay in a hotel that night?
etc etc etc

There is not "right" answer except the one that works for both of you. Keep brainstorming until you find something that you are both enthusiastic about. Get out of any preconceived ruts.

Addressing the issue with care towards her would eliminate a lot of her responses until you can get her on board with a more purposeful plan of learning what lovebusters are and avoiding them. Btw, educating your spouse is a lovebuster so you want to introduce the idea to her in a way that isn't educating her.

 

[NothingIsImpossible]

I think at first people tend to have these issues when it comes to family. When you grow up with your family (as everyone does lol) you get used to being with them. So when you marry you still are pretty attached to your family and forget they are not the priority anymore. Its something that has to be worked on. In our case we live with my parents so when it comes to "choosing" which person I want to agree with I almost always choose my wife. Unless its something where my wife is maybe in the wrong. Like making plans to go to someones house and getting mad that my parents can't drive her, if she would have asked my parents plans. She could have known if there would be a ride or not.

Though at this point most of those issues are fixed. And likewise her family back in her country we have had to talk about them not being a priority either. Especially financially.

Outside of the family issues, you both really have to figure out a way to talk to each other that doesn't involve fighting, or maybe using sarcasm or eye rolling..etc. Which isn't always easy since as individuals, we sometimes have a hard time remember we are no longer single and therefore can't act like we are. Decisions should be made together.

When we have things we want to do we always ask each other first. When we disagree we then discuss the pros and cons of the thing we are talking about. Like "I see that thing you want is on sale, but do you just have to have it today? It will be on sale again. And life goes on without it. Maybe another time we can get it.". This doesn't mean we don't give into each other of course. Again my marriage is probably diffrent because my wifes from overseas so I am more sacrificing because of what shes had to given up.

Now when it comes to going to sleep. I think if your wife wants to have family over late and you have to work, she either needs to tell them you have work the next day and they need to head home. Or, maybe tell her if they want to stay late then you need to go to a room farthest from the bedroom so you can sleep. If they can't be considerate then maybe you need to have a talk about setting ground rules that will be enforced. Because in the end she should be thinking about you first, not them.

I can understand the thing about sex. For my wife sometimes technology can get in the way of when we were supposed to be intimate. At first I would be passive aggressive about it and would say "I wish I was your phone, at least it gets attention!". Granted that was early on when we first married and my responses were wrong, even if I felt they were justified.

Over the last year or so we are in a pattern now of not acting like sex is the end of the world. If shes tired from work, I won't push the issue. If I have a migraine, she won't bug me about sex. Marriage is a game of give and take. But theres got to be a good balance or else little things add up to bigger things and it all crumbles down.

We have some set rules, when in bed and someone is tired, no phone unless the sound is off and the brightness turned down all the way. And even then limit its use. If you need to use the phone to the point of there will be noise or you may be noisy (laughing at something), you need to turn it off or go back to the main room. Again, we are in a diffrent situation so when its midnight here, her sister may call because its noon there. So I don't mind unless I am very tired because its hard to sleep when they talk on the phone. We also don't allow phones during time together. With certain exceptions of course.

Don't know if any of this is helpful since we are in a diffrent situation. Probably better advice on the other responses.

 

[Endeavourer]

Hi Fred,

Just wanted to touch base to see how you have been doing, and whether any of our advice worked for you.

God bless,
E.