DH and I got into a fight earlier today, and I feel like a big bully, although I feel I had every right to be angry with him. He's a bivocational pastor, but he's been unemployed in his secular job since May 1. Money is tight, but we're making it thanks to his church checks. I decided to sell some stuff on ebay to earn some money for myself or for bills. I'm a teacher and in desparate need of new work clothes before I go back to work. It's been 18 months since I've gotten anything new clothing-wise. I just don't spend money on myself, though it's not because I don't want to. But we also needed money for car insurance and bills, which I always put first. For Father's Day, I used extra checks I got for summer school and inservice meetings to buy him a used riding lawn mower. When he listed my things on ebay, he also bought himself a bunch of things--two new pairs of shoes which he needed, a pair of pants which he needed. At the same time I wasn't too thrilled because I'm in desparate need of new clothes and shoes too, but I won't spend money when I have bills to pay and kids to clothe. Then he bought a PDA device, costing over $100. I was so ticked at him turning around and spending most of the money I'd earned from ebay. But then I logged into our ebay account and saw that he bought a bunch of accessories to go with it. The PDA with accessories cost $200! I saw this a month ago and was very ticked off, but I've kept my mouth shut, and I've asked how much it cost, and he was evasive, saying it cost just $100. This morning I finally brought it up to him and how hurt I was because he'd gotten over $400 worth of "toys" for himself in the last month, while we're just making it paycheck to paycheck right now, and I need new things--not just toys--and the stuff he sold was MY stuff. I even spent the money his dad sent me for my birthday on groceries! And he's buying all this stuff for himself! He got mad at me when I told him I wanted him to get rid of the PDA stuff (resell it). But later he reconsidered (after screaming and yelling at me in front of our 2 boys) and took it along with some other stuff to a pawn shop and got me $500. Now I feel like a big bully, and he says he's sorry, but I think he's just sorry I found out about how much money he's spent and felt guilty enough to do something about it. Was I mean to bring it up and make him get me some money? How should I have handled it better?
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Feeling Like a Bully
- Thread starter AGD73
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Jenna
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- Jun 13, 2002
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I, personally, don't think that you were being a bully. When people are being selfish, they don't normally react to well to being told that. lol It's disappointing that he took to hollering in front of the boys though. I think that if I were in that kind of situation, I'd pick up the bible that he uses most, and would start highlighting passages in there about how destructive anger is. Next would be passages talking about being fulfilled through Christ, not worldly wealth, and even some about good financial stewardship. 
Bible searches are so helpful.
I don't know if I could give any advice on how to handle direct confrontation better, to be honest. While I try my best to handle things through prayer and calm conversation, when someone blows up on me, my Irish temper ignites. Thankfully, I have a husband who is very influenced simply by my being disappointed in poor behavior. If I say my piece and let him stew over it, he normally comes around on his own and makes things right. Then he saves face because it is his decision, and he doesn't feel as though I am trying to 'rule' him. Judging by what you said about your husband having reconsidered and taking the PDA back, it sounds as though he is somewhat the same. Maybe the best thing to do now is to praise him for making a decision that will benefit you, and express your appreciation to him. It will probably make you feel better, and maybe ease his ego that is probably stinging a bit.
And this is all my wee self has to offer. Good luck. *hugs*
Bible searches are so helpful. I don't know if I could give any advice on how to handle direct confrontation better, to be honest. While I try my best to handle things through prayer and calm conversation, when someone blows up on me, my Irish temper ignites. Thankfully, I have a husband who is very influenced simply by my being disappointed in poor behavior. If I say my piece and let him stew over it, he normally comes around on his own and makes things right. Then he saves face because it is his decision, and he doesn't feel as though I am trying to 'rule' him. Judging by what you said about your husband having reconsidered and taking the PDA back, it sounds as though he is somewhat the same. Maybe the best thing to do now is to praise him for making a decision that will benefit you, and express your appreciation to him. It will probably make you feel better, and maybe ease his ego that is probably stinging a bit.
And this is all my wee self has to offer.
Good luck. *hugs*
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All of your points were merited and valid. I don't know what tone the discussion happened in, but if it was yelling that's the only thing I'd suggest you do different.
Gosh, I'd be out of my mind mad too!
It's a change of pace to hear a man spending foolishly. Often you hear women getting the bad rap for that.
I hope he changes his ways for your sake and your family's!
Gosh, I'd be out of my mind mad too!
It's a change of pace to hear a man spending foolishly. Often you hear women getting the bad rap for that.
I hope he changes his ways for your sake and your family's!
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I don't think you were wrong to be angry that he frittered away the money.
The only thing I would have done differently is NOT screaming at him in front of the children.
JMO.
The only thing I would have done differently is NOT screaming at him in front of the children.
JMO.
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You were not a bully. Yelling at you in front of the kids, now that was being a bully. Has he since apoliogized to you? Has he apoloigized to your kids for yelling at their Mom? Has he explained to them that he was upset so he did some things that were wrong, and now Mom has fogiven him?
Meanwhile, you have learned a valuable lesson about him and money and the toys it can buy. It's not just women who use shopping to try and treat other problems. Do not give him the password to your ebay account and perhaps you need to take over the money for the family.
Meanwhile, you have learned a valuable lesson about him and money and the toys it can buy. It's not just women who use shopping to try and treat other problems. Do not give him the password to your ebay account and perhaps you need to take over the money for the family.
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Thanks for reassuring me I wasn't stepping out of line with my husband. He has always had a problem managning money, which is why I'm in charge of all the bills, and we only have one checking account. I think he bid on the PDA impulsively on ebay and was surprised he won it. Then he went overboard by adding accessories. I believe he truly is sorry about it NOW. But he was very mad that I was upset about it at first. He did apologize to me and to our son for yelling (our other son is just a month old). He seems fine now. When we fight, he gets over it quick, but I can't help but stay hurt and guarded for a long time. Of course when we argue, he makes it all about how he's the victim. He's been very depressed about not being able to find a job, and I was making things worse by getting on his case, he's a bad husband, etc. He even told me he's thought about suicide, but knows better.
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faith177
growing
So how do you treat a man that acts as a selfish child who needs some material thing even though you cant really afford it. Honestly I do find myself sometimes in a situation where I feel like the mom who always has to say no, or he temper tantrums and guilts me into it, it sucks I dont want that type of relationship.
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Is your husband getting any help for his depression? He really needs some! Chatting with a family doctor is a good place to start. The most effective treatment for depression is the combination of meds and talk therapy. I know it is hard for some men to take such a step, but it is no differnt than keeping your body in good working order - getting enough sleep, water, exersice, etc.
Being out of a job is so hard on men. It seems that so much more of their identity is wrapped up in their employment than it is for women. Being unemployed is much more than loss of money and having extra time. Many guys feel like their masculinity is on the line. Whatever you can do to boost his self esteem right now would be great. But I still think you were quite right!
Glad to hear that he apologized! That says a great deal about the kind of man he is!
Being out of a job is so hard on men. It seems that so much more of their identity is wrapped up in their employment than it is for women. Being unemployed is much more than loss of money and having extra time. Many guys feel like their masculinity is on the line. Whatever you can do to boost his self esteem right now would be great. But I still think you were quite right!
Glad to hear that he apologized! That says a great deal about the kind of man he is!
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You subtly lay a guilt trip on him so he crucifys himself into behaving. If he thinks its his idea he'll do it, if he thinks you're pushing him he'll resist.faith177 said:
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Jenna
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Right on, Desi. There are some guys though that this wouldn't work on. Sounds like this particular man was influenced enough to realize his selfishness though. *nods* It's just a matter of finding a way to appeal to the workings of the man to motivate him to do things, all the while thinking that it was his own idea anyway. lol Maybe that is why God made us women as more complex creatures....... *chuckles*
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Abiel
Missionary
Here's how we solved our difficulty:
We are both useless at budgeting, and both prone to frittering money away, but we saw that real early on in our marriage. We solved it by one account for the family and an account each for 'pocket money'. We both have the same amount of pocket money. And what we do with it is our own business. The figure is renegotiable, and always strictly in line with what the budget can take. In fact, it has tended to go down over the years as kids and bigger homes came along. But it works for us- we don't argue about money. I'm in ministry, and I use mine to provide stuff for that- also I own far too many bags and hats! A new hat it greeted with an ironic smile rather than an arguement. He has a passion for airfix type aeroplanes- I swear if he was using family money for them, I'd snap their wheels off!
We are both useless at budgeting, and both prone to frittering money away, but we saw that real early on in our marriage. We solved it by one account for the family and an account each for 'pocket money'. We both have the same amount of pocket money. And what we do with it is our own business. The figure is renegotiable, and always strictly in line with what the budget can take. In fact, it has tended to go down over the years as kids and bigger homes came along. But it works for us- we don't argue about money. I'm in ministry, and I use mine to provide stuff for that- also I own far too many bags and hats! A new hat it greeted with an ironic smile rather than an arguement. He has a passion for airfix type aeroplanes- I swear if he was using family money for them, I'd snap their wheels off!
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