Feeling inadequate

[AKB14]

I recently found out my husband has been looking at pictures of naked women on Facebook. He is not very tech savvy so he didn't know how to erase searchs or the activity log. It's not porn it was mostly celebrities and selfie pages of women naked posing. I asked him why he was doing this and he replied it's just what men do. Then he told me he had backslidden. He told me he was sorry and that he didn't know it would upset me so bad. He deleted Facebook and I put restrictions on his phone. He thinks since he told me he's sorry and he is not going to do it again that it should be the end of the discussion. He started attending church again and he really is putting forth a effort to be nicer but I am so hurt. I feel like I'm not good enough, that he doesn't love me, I'm so depressed and he acts like he can't figure out why I'm so upset. I've lost 30 pounds in a month. I need prayers please. I have no one that I feel I can share this with.

 

[ValleyGal]

On the plus side, your husband took some major steps to make amends. On the downside, even making amends sometimes does not make the person feel better. While you may be grateful for the amends, the pain has gone very deep, and that hurt is not something that just goes away because the one who hurt you said it should.

One thing that can happen along the way, though, is that while you are working through your pain, it can bring up more pain for him (by taking what he thinks is too long, by holding it against him, by him feeling rejected, etc). So the trick is to work through your pain without causing further issues that might damage the relationship. And this is a very, very thin wire to balance on - how to meet your own needs for healing while not causing him to hurt.

I am so sorry that you went through this - I know how devastating it is. I hope you will be able to get past it, and I hope your husband will be patient as he not only gives you time to get past it, but also to heal whatever drove him to do it in the first place.

 

[Hotinco]

There definitely needs to be more discussion between the two of you, but it needs to be done in a calm loving manner. It is always so painful when someone we love hurts us.

You can seek out a marriage counselor and work through the immediate concerns, long term I recommend a small group.

One thing I would recommend TODAY is both of you take the 5 Love Languages Quiz http://www.5lovelanguages.com/
It sound like from your message he is not speaking your language. When he expresses his love for you in ways you don't appreciate, it means very little to you. My wife is Words of Affirmation and Physical touch - I can buy her a gift everyday but if I don't do some of her top two over time she feels I don't care.

People ask why we recommend a small group so much - Well a small group should be 3 - 4 couple getting together at least once a month. Doing a study together. We like the Gary Smalley Hidden Keys to Loving Relationships, also the 5 Love Languages series. There are several good ones but these a key points that will help you grow. In the small group setting these should b e the same couples every time, no outsiders unless the group agrees. After a few meeting you will see people start to open up and talk about serious issue, just like what you are dealing with now. It should be a safe place to share and work on issue. The couple should be able to hold each other accountable, checking in with one another and building each other up.

Our first small group was started over 25 years ago and even though we have all moved around the country we still stay in touch. We would all do anything for each other and we are always just a phone call away if one needs something. For us and many other couple this builds and restores the foundation of the marriage.

 

[kmrichard7]

If you read my previous thread you will see i went through something similar to you.
Now eventually you will have to stop bringing it up. But right now it hirts and you need to talk about it. Maybe you can meet with a church leader. They deal with this ALL the time. Its not out of the ordinary.
Its not what men do, its what weak men do. Jesus expects us to be strong and not weak. There is NO denying what he has done is a spiritual wrong.
There is no DNA strain or specific chromosone that determines if you lust after someone who isnt your spouse and its annoying when people belittle such a serious issue as if it were not hazardous to your marriage or your walk with God. Women can and often are just as guilty as men when they drool over photos of other men. Its not a man thing.
He needs to know that he has to rebuild your trust. There is a reason Jesus confirms that lust is adultry. He broke your trust. He allowed someone else to be the center of his sexual desire. He shared the most intimate part of him with someone on a computer screen (i doubt he just looked at the photos just to look every time and didnt touch or recall them in a sexual moment).
You are hurt and have a right to be. He needs to understand that it will take time and patience to rebuild that trust.
If you cant go to a counselor or third party for any reason. .. Sit down with him and tell him that you are still hurt. You need time to heal, you need to be able to openly discuss this and you need honesty and patience from him.
It will get better as long as both of you are willing to work at it.

 

[kmrichard7]

One thing that can happen along the way, though, is that while you are working through your pain, it can bring up more pain for him (by taking what he thinks is too long, by holding it against him, by him feeling rejected, etc). So the trick is to work through your pain without causing further issues that might damage the relationship. And this is a very, very thin wire to balance on - how to meet your own needs for healing while not causing him to hurt.

Yes to this!
Despite what is going on with my husband and his porn... I understand that he does in fact feel badly for it and punishing him is not the right way. And we can punish by holding a grudge, throwing it in their face, letting it affect your marriage when you can control it
Yes your trust will be broken but you two are still married. He is still your hisbad that needs your love and support every day. You cant ever let the marital problems get in the middle of the marriage. Fight them together. Fight this with him. While he fights his temptations you fight the temptation to get angry, to get overly jealous, fight the temptation to make him feel bad.

 

[AKB14]

I have made it a point to not make him feel rejected. I'm t trying very hard to show my love. He is 57 and was in a job he hated, he's very overweight, and is having ED problems. I feel like maybe it was depression that drove him. I just wish I could get to the point where I could believe that it's not about my body. He has a new job and seems happier. I think the reason I'm still hurting so bad is he just will not discuss it with me. He feels saying I'm sorry and I will never do it again is the end of it. He's not an affectionate person and he definitely will not talk about feelings. He growed up in a home with alcoholic father and I think he just never learned how a real family acts.

 

[Hotinco]

I have made it a point to not make him feel rejected. I'm t trying very hard to show my love. He is 57 and was in a job he hated, he's very overweight, and is having ED problems. I feel like maybe it was depression that drove him. I just wish I could get to the point where I could believe that it's not about my body. He has a new job and seems happier. I think the reason I'm still hurting so bad is he just will not discuss it with me. He feels saying I'm sorry and I will never do it again is the end of it. He's not an affectionate person and he definitely will not talk about feelings. He grew up in a home with alcoholic father and I think he just never learned how a real family acts.

Most of this is pretty classic for men in general - not all but most men. We tend to expect from others what we want or what we would do. You can ask him to imagine if this was reversed, would he not be hurt? This type of hurt takes time to heal, it is very different from forgetting to get milk on the way home. This hurt goes to the core of your relationship. Saying I am sorry is one thing living it daily is another. There is a reason the saying "Actions speak louder then words" exists. It will take time for you to trust again. He needs to appreciate he is in the wrong and be respectful of your feelings. With that said it will do NO good to throw it in his face constantly. You both need to talk about it, with someone who can be neutral is best. Have a plan to move forward.

It does sound more and more like he does not express his love in a way that connects with you. We tend to express love in our language, I love that they call it a language. If he speaks only German and you speak only Spanish you will connect only on a very low level. You will not understand what he is saying and grow frustrated, he will grow frustrated because he is being very clear in his mind. Take the quiz and see what your language is if you don;t already know. Then compare that to how he shows his love. Hopefully he will take the quiz as well and the two of you can work on speaking each others language, this will only help your reconciliation process. Long term it will strengthen your relationship and meet both of your needs.

 

[NothingIsImpossible]

Well the best part is hes admitting the wrong and is working to be better. Thats the hardest part usually (changing).

 

[98cwitr]

1. How's your sex life?
2. Has he ever had an issue or been known to view pornography?

 

[AKB14]

1. Our sex life has been fine other than the ED problem of not being able to have a good firm erection. This started a few years ago after he gained a lot of weight. Of course he never talked about it other than to say that he thought maybe testosterone was low because his sex drive was low and he felt tired a lot. He also won't go to doctor. We have a lot of OS because of it.
2. We watched some porn together when we first married 20 yrs ago but when we got in church he said he felt it was wrong and thrower the tape away. The biggest reason I feel so inadequate is it seemed like the times he did look at pictures he was home.(he drives a truck and isn't home every night.) this makes me feel like he has to look at younger women to get turned on to have sex with me.

 

[NothingIsImpossible]

Just asking for the sake of it but he isn't doing anything with women when hes out trucking is he?

 

[AKB14]

Just asking for the sake of it but he isn't doing anything with women when hes out trucking is he?

If he is he is doing a good job of hiding it. He always calls several times a day. He doesn't spend any extra money and there is no calls on the cell phone bill that are not friends. He swears he has never cheated. His friends all say he always says I'm his best friend and his daughter and I are his life. He doesn't act like a cheater but I didn't think he would be using Facebook to look at nude women either so anything I guess could be possible.

 

[98cwitr]

1. Our sex life has been fine other than the ED problem of not being able to have a good firm erection. This started a few years ago after he gained a lot of weight. Of course he never talked about it other than to say that he thought maybe testosterone was low because his sex drive was low and he felt tired a lot. He also won't go to doctor. We have a lot of OS because of it.
2. We watched some porn together when we first married 20 yrs ago but when we got in church he said he felt it was wrong and thrower the tape away. The biggest reason I feel so inadequate is it seemed like the times he did look at pictures he was home.(he drives a truck and isn't home every night.) this makes me feel like he has to look at younger women to get turned on to have sex with me.

Coming from a man I can say that it's simply a distraction from dealing with any feelings. It really sounds like lines of communication need to be opened, but opened gently and with love. I could imagine that stressing over this would put a damper in things, so maybe go about this with something in mind:

You, as his wife, offer way more than what the girls on the screen can offer; a real relationship, real intimacy, and real connection.

If he says that your weight gain doesn't bother him...believe him! Relationships are about trust. On the other hand, you need to come to terms with both his deflections with what he's bottling up. Does his weight gain affect your sexual attraction towards him? If so, find a way to tell him...even if you think it might hurt his feelings. Honest and open communication is key. How can you find constructive activities to do together that promote health both physically and emotionally?

I'll be praying for you. Above all else, maybe you two could do some Scripture reading together...it could break the ice into larger conversations.

 

[Murby]

I'm going to try the best I can to be nice and truthful at the same time.. I'm not religious but since this is about the two of you and not god, it shouldn't matter.

I recently found out my husband has been looking at pictures of naked women on Facebook. He is not very tech savvy so he didn't know how to erase searchs or the activity log.

If my assumption is correct, then you were spying on him by tracking his movements instead of just asking him. Even if you found nothing but prayers and pink roses in your spying activities, you have now made a statement that you don't trust your own husband and that you need to control him. Not looking good and a really clear warning sign.

It's not porn it was mostly celebrities and selfie pages of women naked posing. I asked him why he was doing this and he replied it's just what men do. Then he told me he had backslidden. He told me he was sorry and that he didn't know it would upset me so bad.

Who cares if it is porn? Are you going to be his censor? The way I see it, about the only person who would care what their spouse is looking at is an overbearing, control freak.. Unless the spouse has some past criminal history that would justify concern..

He deleted Facebook and I put restrictions on his phone.

Yup.. That screams control freak.. I would be out of there so fast there would be a roostertail and a shock wave behind me... Who gave you permission to put controls on what he see's or does? And if you tell me he agreed to it then it seems to me that your marriage has an expiration date fast approaching.

He thinks since he told me he's sorry and he is not going to do it again that it should be the end of the discussion. He started attending church again and he really is putting forth a effort to be nicer but I am so hurt. I feel like I'm not good enough, that he doesn't love me, I'm so depressed and he acts like he can't figure out why I'm so upset. I've lost 30 pounds in a month. I need prayers please. I have no one that I feel I can share this with.

Just my guess.. but I doubt it has anything to do with you not being "good enough".. If my spouse treated me the way you have described treating him, it would push me away very quickly. I would probably be looking for an exit strategy if I ever married someone who treated me with such disrespect.

What's really concerning is that you seem to think your spying and inspecting activities are acceptable. That says a lot about your views and your relationship.

I have made it a point to not make him feel rejected. I'm t trying very hard to show my love.

By spying and censoring him and putting "controls on his phone"???? From what dictionary are you getting your definition of love from?
Instructions for Love: Step 1>RESPECT Step 2>DON'T FORGET STEP ONE

He is 57 and was in a job he hated, he's very overweight, and is having ED problems. I feel like maybe it was depression that drove him.

Everyone goes through a bumpy spot in their life and he's a prime age for it. This is not unusual and it probably has nothing to do with you being good enough of not..

I just wish I could get to the point where I could believe that it's not about my body.

Its probably not about your body but your insecurities and spying activities and total lack of respect is probably going to do you in if you don't change.

I think the reason I'm still hurting so bad is he just will not discuss it with me. He feels saying I'm sorry and I will never do it again is the end of it. He's not an affectionate person and he definitely will not talk about feelings.

The last time some control freak tried to take control over your life, spied on you, inspected your activites, and put software on your communications device(s) to censor you, how willing were you to open up and discuss your feeling with them? Were you drawn to share with them? Or did you want to get the heck out as fast as you can and spend as much time away from that person as you could?????

If I were you, I would remove the phone software, tell him you will never inspect his activities like that again, then tell him you don't care if he fantasizes to porn or dancing circus clowns, and that if he finds anything you think would be interesting to let you know.
Tell him you love him and that your control days are over.. That might fix the problem.

 

[AKB14]

spying

Wasn't spying on him. He handed me his phone and told me to look up a person on Facebook and when I did all the searchs was right there. I wasn't looking for it.

 

[Murby]

Wasn't spying on him. He handed me his phone and told me to look up a person on Facebook and when I did all the searchs was right there. I wasn't looking for it.

Whew!! Your original post painted a different picture.

But still, the phone software is not appropriate. The more you try to control someone, the faster you push them away. If I was in your situation, I would not made a big deal out of it at all.. In fact, I would tend to think you should encourage him to do what he wants within the limits of the obvious. Unless there are some kind of extenuating circumstances, its almost always better to go with the flow in these kinds of things.

I would be the barn it has nothing to do with your inadequacy issues but rather just an older guy going through normal life processes.. If you try to push and control these things as if they are a threat to you, it could very easily go in an unfavorable direction.

 

[98cwitr]

Yeah but if he's doing things that are disrespectful toward the [Christian] marriage then that's something not to be swept under a rug. This is easily solvable. Proper communication without being accusatory. Best way to go about that is to just explain your feelings. Ball is then in the other person's court.

Your wife might not care if you look at other women or even porn, but most Christian women I know seem to have issue with it. Does that make them wrong for thinking that way? No. Because in the Bible we're told that looking at another that isn't your spouse in lust is adultery...so that teaching can be and often is taken to heart.

 

[Murby]

Yeah but if he's doing things that are disrespectful toward the [Christian] marriage then that's something not to be swept under a rug. This is easily solvable. Proper communication without being accusatory. Best way to go about that is to just explain your feelings. Ball is then in the other person's court.

Your wife might not care if you look at other women or even porn, but most Christian women I know seem to have issue with it. Does that make them wrong for thinking that way? No. Because in the Bible we're told that looking at another that isn't your spouse in lust is adultery...so that teaching can be and often is taken to heart.

Its one thing to mention the values of Christianity but when one starts referencing words in the bible as rules for life, one must also stand by and defend ALL the words in the bible.. I don't imagine anyone would want to do that as there are some things in the bible for which no one can defend on any moral or ethical level in today's world.

No religious belief system can change human nature and the results of those attempts are never favorable.
You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make them drink..

I also think that trying to restrict ones desire to explore will have the exact opposite effect of what is desired regardless of what any religious doctrine dictates.

 

[98cwitr]

Not looking to get into an apologetics discussion with you, so I will digress as not to take away from her thread topic. That said, AKB, I think you have every right to feel respected and desired, but unless you can talk openly about it, I don't think you will get what you're looking for.

 

[Gwen-is-new!]

Its one thing to mention the values of Christianity but when one starts referencing words in the bible as rules for life, one must also stand by and defend ALL the words in the bible.. I don't imagine anyone would want to do that as there are some things in the bible for which no one can defend on any moral or ethical level in today's world.

No religious belief system can change human nature and the results of those attempts are never favorable.
You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make them drink..

Exactly, the major point of the bible is that by nature we ARE sinners and were born sinners. Jesus came and died on the cross so we can have a new nature, and gave us the Holy Spirit to live inside us, guide us, help and empower us to live the Christian life - we are a work in progress and will not arrive at perfection (never break a rule from the bible) until what the bible calls "glorification" - Jesus Christ returns.

Maybe google things like bible verses new nature, spiritual warfare, bible fleshy man, carnal Christian.

God Almighty, spoke-the-world-into-existence, always has been here always will be, all-knowing, all-powerful, loving, perfect, full of grace and mercy - DEFINITELY doesn't need me to defend HIM, but my goodness, please don't dumb HIM down to "rules" for life. We have Buddha and Confucius, etc for that.

AKB - please forgive as I am not trying to digress from your thread either.. Has your husband received Christ - I am not talking about going to church, or doing bible studies? I am praying for you both!