Feeling imaginary.

[Soulwings]

Gerry, I was on lithium for about 6 months and all it did was make me gain weight... I was huge and puffy from all of the water retention, and the blood tests drove me mad!! every 3 weeks for the beginning bit. (I don't mind needles or pain or anything, it was just the utter bother of it all that got to me.) We - NP & I - have run the gambit of many different antidepressants. They do either nothing for me or else cause me to have the negative side effects - increased suicidality, (hypo)mania, jitteriness, etc., etc.

I feel like I'm crawling out of my skin right now. Jarrod wasn't comforting but he had to rush out the door to work so he hardly had time. Doesn't help that it's "that time of the month" (TOM) and I am feeling crappy mentally from that too, like the ugliest woman in the world. But that's neither here nor there...

I still don't want to call my NP but am getting closer to making that decision each and every minute. I feel so utterly, completely crazy inside.

 

[Alive again]

Adding my prayers soulwings and my advice to seek help earlier rather than later.

 

[Soulwings]

Thanks Laurie. Prayers are very much appreciated, as I said before...

I haven't called my NP yet but am getting closer to do so with all of the "pushing" from folks on here (don't mind it, interesting to get feedback and nice as well). Jarrod wants me to, too, but I am not sure what I would say - "Hi, I am feeling crazier than I ever have before" .... ??

 

[DoubtingThomas29]

Like I don't think you would tell the nurse you feel crazy, because honestly well you said you were hearing voices so that is a psychatric symptom there, but tell the nurse you don't feel yourself maybe you are over medicated and should be more on like two or three medications, not like five or six. Well you hang in there seek help sooner rather than later, you'll get fixed up soon, you can count on that! Keep believing you can do it!

 

[Kingdom_Seeker]

Thanks Laurie. Prayers are very much appreciated, as I said before...

I haven't called my NP yet but am getting closer to do so with all of the "pushing" from folks on here (don't mind it, interesting to get feedback and nice as well). Jarrod wants me to, too, but I am not sure what I would say - "Hi, I am feeling crazier than I ever have before" .... ??

Maybe I'm feeling as though I'm not getting any better. Or the meds don't seem to be working as they used to (or maybe they never worked?).

I agree with the others, you really should call. Better off to ask if there's something to be done sooner rather than later.

My Hugs and prayers are with you

 

[Ariel]

Soulwings, there you have it--we all care about you, and we all agree: seek help sooner rather than later.

Something Gerry said really makes sense to me, you are on so many meds, it may be that one of them is just too much--there needs to be some kind of adjustment.

My guess is that maybe you are on too much medication--maybe something needs to be adjusted downward. Call your NP--even if you play phone tag--better to make contact ASAP and get those meds adjusted.

We love you and we care about you. Please take care of yourself. You are precious to us.

(((hug)))

 

[Soulwings]

Thanks, guys, for all of the support, and I'm really sorry that it doesn't seem like I'm taking your advice... it's just, well, a struggle, which I think you all understand - somewhat, anyway.

I still haven't called my NP... I see my T tomorrow morning... I don't know what to tell my NP, and I really don't think I can come off any of my meds, except maybe one of the antipsychotics, but as far as I can tell, that's been helping with the auditory hallucinations I've been having for awhile.

The meds I am currently on are:
Lamictal - necessary otherwise I am really loopy
Klonopin - necessary or else I am a mess of a person - anxiety is so, so bad
Neurontin - necessary because it REALLY helps anxiety, and also helps the urges to cut decrease
Geodon - necessary or else I hear voices
Seroquel - ??? It's helped with some hallucinations, as I've said, but it's recently been increased, so ??
Focalin - only taking as necessary, as it causes anxiety to be worse

I really don't know. I'm pretty much past feeling like a human being now. If I'm not at the computer I feel like I'm going to fall apart. My thoughts feel disorganized (although not in the clinical sense), I feel like I'm going to crawl out of my skin, and I feel so very, very imaginary. I don't know what is grounding me right now... I still feel rational, which is a huge surprise.

Anyway. I'll let my T decide, I think. I don't want to play phone tag, I don't want to have to figure out something to say - I always feel stupid with my symptoms because they are so horrible for me but I know that she's seen worse so I'm afraid that she'll just downplay them (although I've been her patient for 2+ years and she hasn't yet)............

WHY CAN'T IT STOP?!?

 

[checkmate]

I suggest you go seek help, just because you feel like nothing can hurt you doesn't mean it can't. I don't want to sit here and tell you something is wrong with you but no matter how much you want to see what is going to happen you easily could be digging yourself into a hole. I'm not a psychiatrist, I'm not going to claim the one psychology class I took in high school is a base for me telling you this, but you really should go talk to a psychiatrist and let them do what they do.

 

[checkmate]

Or just eat your veggies, one of the two.

 

[Soulwings]

Haha, something tells me that veggies are a little below the level of care that I need. But thanks for the suggestion..... hehehe.

Yeah, I probably should... but she's going to want to see me, and we really can't afford it. I mean, we could afford another appointment, but she'd want to see me every two weeks after that for awhile, I think, since I'm unstable and she'd want to keep an eye on me, and we cannot afford that. She might work out a deal with us, if/when I tell her, but still...............



And on top of all of that, the reason I'm scared of being alone is because the apartment feels alive. I know what I mean in my head but I can't get it out in words. It's not because the landlord has a key. It's not that kind of unsafe. It's the kind of unsafe that a beast would be. It could pounce anytime. Stephen King-ish. (And no, I've not read any of his stuff recently, not for years.)

I really must sound psycho.

 

[FragileWinter]

I'm praying for you. It seems like everyone I know is having a really hard time right now. I hope you feel better soon. I'm really sorry that you're suffering. This is one of those times I don't know what else to say to help. You've been given great advice so far by ones wiser than I. I suppose times like this, all you can do is pray, so I'm praying.

 

[Jeshu]

Haha, something tells me that veggies are a little below the level of care that I need. But thanks for the suggestion..... hehehe.

Yeah, I probably should... but she's going to want to see me, and we really can't afford it. I mean, we could afford another appointment, but she'd want to see me every two weeks after that for awhile, I think, since I'm unstable and she'd want to keep an eye on me, and we cannot afford that. She might work out a deal with us, if/when I tell her, but still...............



And on top of all of that, the reason I'm scared of being alone is because the apartment feels alive. I know what I mean in my head but I can't get it out in words. It's not because the landlord has a key. It's not that kind of unsafe. It's the kind of unsafe that a beast would be. It could pounce anytime. Stephen King-ish. (And no, I've not read any of his stuff recently, not for years.)

I really must sound psycho.

April, dear sister, you are in crisis and not thinking and acting straight, heeding all your feelings - you must hear them, I know - but don't become like them - hold onto loving truth instead - that's the trick.

Please sister don't get me wrong, but see how you trust in your medications - even when they don't work, yet in your fear, doubt and insecurity - you are not listening to the LOVING TRUTH - indeed not to God - and so you slide in to this gaping mouth called psychosis.

That's why you are still home and not in better care than you are now and that's why you are having such a hard time and that is why it doesn't stop!

Indeed you take medication to suppress the voices, and perhaps cause all kind of other unrest and psychological problems, such as anxiety, fear, insecure feelings, weight problems and the like instead. You take drugs for that and the voices and unreal feelings and thoughts come back in another shape - still torturing you.

Sure medications help but loving truth keeps you in life - nothing and nobody else.

Please don't resist His Voice in your heart! He has been talking through all of us here - all saying the same thing! Please break away from those horrible lies that are hurting you so much (even right now) and take their cause away, whatever it turns out to be.

So think carefully, if medications don't work properly what if your heart was full of loving truth? Would there be a major problem? Would the voices speak truth and love to you instead? And would you still take drugs to keep them away then?

This is how I approach my illness now - LOVING TRUTH works FAR better than meds on their own - but with (good) meds loving truth works better yet! So meds may help until God set us free from our illness in The End. (I know one Day He will, I'm looking forward to that - let me assure you - no more meds ever after that!)

So please April get your lovely self of to the doctors and find protection from those horrible times you are going through right now.

Please ACT!!!



Gerry

(a bit of His flesh for you to eat.)

Galatians 5:13-26

Freedom in Christ


...13You, my brothers, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the sinful nature[r]; rather, serve one another in love. 14The entire law is summed up in a single command: "Love your neighbor as yourself."[s] 15If you keep on biting and devouring each other, watch out or you will be destroyed by each other.
Life by the Spirit

16So I say, live by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the sinful nature. 17For the sinful nature desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the sinful nature. They are in conflict with each other, so that you do not do what you want. 18But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under law. 19The acts of the sinful nature are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery; 20idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions 21and envy; drunkenness, orgies, and the like. I warn you, as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God.
22But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. 24Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the sinful nature with its passions and desires. 25Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit. 26Let us not become conceited, provoking and envying each other.


(Just drink His blood (His love for you) and you will see, with Him all is better than good!)

 

[DoubtingThomas29]

Well I think April is going to be alright because she has good psychiatric care, by the way April the Geodon treats schizophrenia and seroquel treats schizophrenia, you sure you psychiatrist wouldn't be okay with you just trying one of the two? Well anyways, I graded a whole week's worth of work in an an hour and a half, I am doing my grading pretty fast now, so hopefully I can get all my grading done tomorrow. You guys and gals hang in there and Gerry did you bust out of the hospital early? Just kidding about that, but what happen how did you get out of the hospital so soon?

 

[Soulwings]

I just got back from my T's; she called my NP and left a message. She thinks it's a med-related thing as well, so there's support for y'all's argument. Hehe. I'm at my parents' now and will be staying here for most of the afternoon - my T said that staying away from the apartment (which terrifies me) is the best thing I can do at this point. So here I am.

Doubting, I know that they both treat schizophrenia and psychotic symptoms; I was having psychotic symptoms while on Geodon so my NP decided to put me on Seroquel as well. Also, it's to help anxiety and to help me sleep more at night (previously I was having difficulty, now I'm sleeping too much - definitely time for a med adjustment).

Anyway. That's the update. I'm feeling much better now that I'm out of the apartment and at my parents'. This is a safe place.

 

[Kingdom_Seeker]

I just got back from my T's; she called my NP and left a message. She thinks it's a med-related thing as well, so there's support for y'all's argument. Hehe. I'm at my parents' now and will be staying here for most of the afternoon - my T said that staying away from the apartment (which terrifies me) is the best thing I can do at this point. So here I am.

Doubting, I know that they both treat schizophrenia and psychotic symptoms; I was having psychotic symptoms while on Geodon so my NP decided to put me on Seroquel as well. Also, it's to help anxiety and to help me sleep more at night (previously I was having difficulty, now I'm sleeping too much - definitely time for a med adjustment).

Anyway. That's the update. I'm feeling much better now that I'm out of the apartment and at my parents'. This is a safe place.

I'm glad you got to talk with someone. And I'm also glad that you are able to get away from the apartment which was scary.
I hope the Seroquel works better or you.

 

[Soulwings]

Thanks, K_S. And thank you, FragileWinter (Amaya?), for your prayers, and Gerry, for your advice.

I think I'm going to be okay. I just don't know how or when. I'm feeling better here, though, better than I have in awhile. It's so peaceful and relaxing here. I'm not anxious at all.

I'll keep y'all updated, though... things will probably get worse when I am back at the apartment.

 

[Ariel]

Soulwings, about your apartment--maybe you would feel more at peace if you do what my husband and I do? We pray through our house. We pray for ourselves first, asking God to cleanse us. Then we get olive oil, pray over it, and ask for the anointing of the Holy Spirit. Then we pray through the house, asking for the blood of Jesus to cover us and our home. We touch every wall, window and door. We ask for a hedge of protection around us, we also pray for the Lord's presence in our home.

I don't know if this would work for you, but it has always worked for us. We have a very peaceful home, even strangers have commented on it.

It also helps to praise and worship God openly--I love to do this. We play worship music. Sometimes I will even dance through the house in worship. God is so good. He has always blessed us with His presence.

 

[FragileWinter]

Thanks, K_S. And thank you, FragileWinter (Amaya?), for your prayers, and Gerry, for your advice.

I think I'm going to be okay. I just don't know how or when. I'm feeling better here, though, better than I have in awhile. It's so peaceful and relaxing here. I'm not anxious at all.

I'll keep y'all updated, though... things will probably get worse when I am back at the apartment.

I'm wonderful to hear you're doing better. And you can call me Amaya. It's my most common nickname.

 

[Soulwings]

That's an interesting idea, Diana. I'll have to talk with Jarrod about that; we've not thought of that, surprisingly.

I'm feeling a little better this morning. Probably because I actually have a plan for the day and won't be alone in the apartment. I'm going back to my parents' for the day, leaving in about half an hourish, then I've an appointment with my NP at noon (well, I don't really have an appointment, but she asked me to drop in - I guess that's her lunch break?? not sure).

I still feel like something's not right. I may have made it through the roughest part of the episode, but there's still something not right. I am distracting myself from the apartment by listening to music (Fireflight ) and drinking coffee and chilling here... it works for awhile, but then all of the feelings come back.

 

[Soulwings]

Well, I saw my NP and she's taking me off Seroquel. Good idea? I don't know. I'm sure hoping so.

She was very understanding and tried really, really hard to see where I was coming from. I am proud of her for that... I don't know if anyone but me can really get where I'm coming from with this... I think you all here who have experienced psychoses before are the ones who can understand the closest, but she did try, and told me, "April, never let me put words in your mouth. NEVER. Okay?" She really does care. And she is not a med-pusher (although she did give me another Klonopin prn, somewhat at my request ).

Other than that... still not feeling safe here (back at the apartment) but Jarrod's here so all is good for now. I'm scared about Monday, though.