Let me start off with a small story because I am not sure where to begin.
Started my first semester of college in January 2006, taking automotive courses. Only completed one semester because of the economy in Michigan.
Several years later found myself taking classes at an unaccredited Bible college. Met my wife's at this college while she was in her second year (She graduated.), -I only completed one year with intentions of returning after eloping. Two kids later and many random life events, plus living 85 miles from said college has left me feeling incomplete. This was 2008/2009.
My grandfather passed away in 2012 and decided to use some money from a trust to attend Liberty University Spring 2013. My mother who was in control made lots of promises which I believed, but I broke off the contract and decided to foot the bill myself.
In the middle of all this my father passed away from cancer, and my wife's father was diagnosed with the same cancer that killed my father (two weeks later). My daughter was born and her birth was traumatizing for my wife. The anesthesiologist messed up and my wife felt the entire operation. Not only this, but due to my wife's small stature my daughter caused some trauma to my wife spine; more on this later.
Anyways, only completed one year with Liberty Online. Their program was both rewarding and challenging, but expensive. Nonetheless, life continued as my wife's mental and physical condition became worse, and with her father’s health deteriorating she became depressed. This made living with her very difficult! She was verbally abusive to me and our kids, and to some extent still is. Everything that has taken place changed her forever.
With my current season of life, I decided ministry would have to wait. Of course, there was prayer on this, along with seeking guidance from family, friends, coworkers, and fellow Christians. However, this did not mean school could wait mainly because of my wife's health issues. Why? She was in a pain management program, therapy, and most mornings it would take her 3-4 hours to get out of bed. She was having difficulties caring for our children alone and required me to drop hours at work. To make the difference and keep a roof over our heads that means we would need student loans to make ends meet.
Found a great program locally that is rewarding, difficult, and inexpensive. Currently in study for petroleum technology and have 6 classes left. Starting pay is astronomical for my location because of natural gas development/expansion in this region. However, the course is unbelievably difficult, but figured the struggle would be worthwhile. It would allow me to afford the insurance my wife will need for future operations.
How it all comes together, and recent events.
In my second semester of this program my wife was in an automotive accident on April 1, 2015 (not her faulty). At first the accident did not seem alarming and she was taken to our local hospital. While there they neglected to scan her, even though she was complaining of severe back pain, headache and knee pain. They quickly rushed her out of the E.R., but not before I argued with staff to give her some crutches.
The next day.
My wife went to her spine doctor for a follow up concerning her physical therapy. While there she explained the accident and how her knee was throbbing. This resulted in her doctor taking an x-ray and noticed her knee was broken. Not-only-this, but an x-ray of her back showed severe spinal damage in her lower back. This is when we learned she would need a spinal fusion at age 25.
During all these appointments my grades began to slip. Just couldn't keep up with college, kids, and my wife's medical needs. This resulted me having to medically drop several classes which means rather than graduating this semester -it will be May 2017 because my classes got offset and only certain classes are offered in the spring or fall.
Meanwhile, my wife's father passed away from cancer 5 days after her accident. She only got to see him one more time during all this mess about two hours before he slipped away. Now she is a train-wreck and justifiably so, but very difficult to get along with due to medication, pain, depression, and anxiety.
Her spinal fusion cost north of $100k and required her to practically be cut in half, and have a cage installed. Her knee was fixed and total billing came out to roughly $160k for both operations - naturally our insurance is covering this, but not without a fight requiring us to hire a lawyer. However, that is not everything that went wrong. She started having seizures and will require medication for the rest of her life.
Now.
Wife just got her license back last week, which is freeing up time for me (after a seizure, you have to wait 6-months to get it back). She is having difficulties with her college classes due to memory loss from the accident. While she is technically healing her doctor stated it would take 12-24 months to heal completely. Most mornings still take her 3-4 hours to get out of bed, and she has difficulties with our children. Any stress causes migraines which can lead to a seizure. She cannot be left alone with the kids for long which makes it difficult finding a job that will work with me and my school schedule.
Starting to feel really burnt out on life. My wife is wonderful, but difficult; so-much-so in fact that I have not gone to church with her in a while. She is pushy, cranky, and verbally abusive in the morning. So now, I just stay home, and when I do go she is in a rush to get out and head to her mothers. I would rather stay and attend a study group. I understand she is in pain and on lots of medication, but starting to wonder away. Divorce has even crossed my mind a couple times, but don’t have the gumption to go through with it, and do not believe in divorce. However, she has gotten better compared to a few months ago.
My kids are a handful and take everything out of me. I am low energy and having difficulties with college. Even though I go to bed early every night, I am the one getting up with the kids through the night, the one that gets up with them in the morning, the one that feeds them, gets them ready, etc. Our love life has been on a burner for two year now because of pain and then the accident / recovery. Starting to feel insecure, unloved and alone. Which is unhealthy.
I thought my 30’s would be great, at least that is what everyone kept telling me in my late 20’s, but starting to feel frustrated and even stupid at times. I. just. Want. To. Quit. RUN AWAY!! I don’t know, anything would better than living like this in a small 600SqFt two bedroom apartment without a job, and living off money that will need to be paid back. Sure with this education my job will pay very well, but don’t want to relay on something that has not happened yet. Getting tired and unfocused, I want to drop college and find a job, but know my wife cannot handle the kids by herself just yet.
As for the ‘stupid’ remark, I took a quiz yesterday and bombed it. I felt pressured, tired, and unprepared even with studding for hours before, I choked. Normally straight ‘A’ student and while my GPA is 3.445 currently (remember accident). I feel like I could be doing better, I have to do better because my family’s future depends on it. If you want that six-figure job, you must maintain a 3.3 GPA or above. Problem is, I am beginning to feel competitive in my program and that is a feeling that is uncomfortable for me. I’d rather focus on helping people and just be happy. For years I felt called into ministry and have invested much time and prayer into that calling, but with this season of life it feels like a pipe dream.
And it doesn’t end here, not even close. Lately some old memories of my father and mother have been resurfacing causing great confusion and insecurities; which would require another 1300 words or more to express. Tried talking to my wife about these, but feels like I am talking to a brick wall. She says she hears me; however, she offers nothing in return.
Anyways, really needed to type this out and get it off my chest. I’ve been wanting to do this for months and have tried talking to friends, family, and wife, but they just listen and say nothing. Could really use some insight, encouragement, prayer, etc.
Feeling like I am at the end of my ropes.
Edit: Felt like I needed to clarify I really love my wife and will stand by her through all this.
Started my first semester of college in January 2006, taking automotive courses. Only completed one semester because of the economy in Michigan.
Several years later found myself taking classes at an unaccredited Bible college. Met my wife's at this college while she was in her second year (She graduated.), -I only completed one year with intentions of returning after eloping. Two kids later and many random life events, plus living 85 miles from said college has left me feeling incomplete. This was 2008/2009.
My grandfather passed away in 2012 and decided to use some money from a trust to attend Liberty University Spring 2013. My mother who was in control made lots of promises which I believed, but I broke off the contract and decided to foot the bill myself.
In the middle of all this my father passed away from cancer, and my wife's father was diagnosed with the same cancer that killed my father (two weeks later). My daughter was born and her birth was traumatizing for my wife. The anesthesiologist messed up and my wife felt the entire operation. Not only this, but due to my wife's small stature my daughter caused some trauma to my wife spine; more on this later.
Anyways, only completed one year with Liberty Online. Their program was both rewarding and challenging, but expensive. Nonetheless, life continued as my wife's mental and physical condition became worse, and with her father’s health deteriorating she became depressed. This made living with her very difficult! She was verbally abusive to me and our kids, and to some extent still is. Everything that has taken place changed her forever.
With my current season of life, I decided ministry would have to wait. Of course, there was prayer on this, along with seeking guidance from family, friends, coworkers, and fellow Christians. However, this did not mean school could wait mainly because of my wife's health issues. Why? She was in a pain management program, therapy, and most mornings it would take her 3-4 hours to get out of bed. She was having difficulties caring for our children alone and required me to drop hours at work. To make the difference and keep a roof over our heads that means we would need student loans to make ends meet.
Found a great program locally that is rewarding, difficult, and inexpensive. Currently in study for petroleum technology and have 6 classes left. Starting pay is astronomical for my location because of natural gas development/expansion in this region. However, the course is unbelievably difficult, but figured the struggle would be worthwhile. It would allow me to afford the insurance my wife will need for future operations.
How it all comes together, and recent events.
In my second semester of this program my wife was in an automotive accident on April 1, 2015 (not her faulty). At first the accident did not seem alarming and she was taken to our local hospital. While there they neglected to scan her, even though she was complaining of severe back pain, headache and knee pain. They quickly rushed her out of the E.R., but not before I argued with staff to give her some crutches.
The next day.
My wife went to her spine doctor for a follow up concerning her physical therapy. While there she explained the accident and how her knee was throbbing. This resulted in her doctor taking an x-ray and noticed her knee was broken. Not-only-this, but an x-ray of her back showed severe spinal damage in her lower back. This is when we learned she would need a spinal fusion at age 25.
During all these appointments my grades began to slip. Just couldn't keep up with college, kids, and my wife's medical needs. This resulted me having to medically drop several classes which means rather than graduating this semester -it will be May 2017 because my classes got offset and only certain classes are offered in the spring or fall.
Meanwhile, my wife's father passed away from cancer 5 days after her accident. She only got to see him one more time during all this mess about two hours before he slipped away. Now she is a train-wreck and justifiably so, but very difficult to get along with due to medication, pain, depression, and anxiety.
Her spinal fusion cost north of $100k and required her to practically be cut in half, and have a cage installed. Her knee was fixed and total billing came out to roughly $160k for both operations - naturally our insurance is covering this, but not without a fight requiring us to hire a lawyer. However, that is not everything that went wrong. She started having seizures and will require medication for the rest of her life.
Now.
Wife just got her license back last week, which is freeing up time for me (after a seizure, you have to wait 6-months to get it back). She is having difficulties with her college classes due to memory loss from the accident. While she is technically healing her doctor stated it would take 12-24 months to heal completely. Most mornings still take her 3-4 hours to get out of bed, and she has difficulties with our children. Any stress causes migraines which can lead to a seizure. She cannot be left alone with the kids for long which makes it difficult finding a job that will work with me and my school schedule.
Starting to feel really burnt out on life. My wife is wonderful, but difficult; so-much-so in fact that I have not gone to church with her in a while. She is pushy, cranky, and verbally abusive in the morning. So now, I just stay home, and when I do go she is in a rush to get out and head to her mothers. I would rather stay and attend a study group. I understand she is in pain and on lots of medication, but starting to wonder away. Divorce has even crossed my mind a couple times, but don’t have the gumption to go through with it, and do not believe in divorce. However, she has gotten better compared to a few months ago.
My kids are a handful and take everything out of me. I am low energy and having difficulties with college. Even though I go to bed early every night, I am the one getting up with the kids through the night, the one that gets up with them in the morning, the one that feeds them, gets them ready, etc. Our love life has been on a burner for two year now because of pain and then the accident / recovery. Starting to feel insecure, unloved and alone. Which is unhealthy.
I thought my 30’s would be great, at least that is what everyone kept telling me in my late 20’s, but starting to feel frustrated and even stupid at times. I. just. Want. To. Quit. RUN AWAY!! I don’t know, anything would better than living like this in a small 600SqFt two bedroom apartment without a job, and living off money that will need to be paid back. Sure with this education my job will pay very well, but don’t want to relay on something that has not happened yet. Getting tired and unfocused, I want to drop college and find a job, but know my wife cannot handle the kids by herself just yet.
As for the ‘stupid’ remark, I took a quiz yesterday and bombed it. I felt pressured, tired, and unprepared even with studding for hours before, I choked. Normally straight ‘A’ student and while my GPA is 3.445 currently (remember accident). I feel like I could be doing better, I have to do better because my family’s future depends on it. If you want that six-figure job, you must maintain a 3.3 GPA or above. Problem is, I am beginning to feel competitive in my program and that is a feeling that is uncomfortable for me. I’d rather focus on helping people and just be happy. For years I felt called into ministry and have invested much time and prayer into that calling, but with this season of life it feels like a pipe dream.
And it doesn’t end here, not even close. Lately some old memories of my father and mother have been resurfacing causing great confusion and insecurities; which would require another 1300 words or more to express. Tried talking to my wife about these, but feels like I am talking to a brick wall. She says she hears me; however, she offers nothing in return.
Anyways, really needed to type this out and get it off my chest. I’ve been wanting to do this for months and have tried talking to friends, family, and wife, but they just listen and say nothing. Could really use some insight, encouragement, prayer, etc.
Feeling like I am at the end of my ropes.
Edit: Felt like I needed to clarify I really love my wife and will stand by her through all this.
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