Feeling alone

[journey77]

Hi everyone~

I have no idea exactly where to start, but basically my whole life I've felt very alone. Not in the sense that God isn't with me, because I'm always assured that He is, but alone in relation to other people. I always seem to have such a hard time connecting to people. Friends I've had over the years have never lasted. I seem to always choose the same type of friends (without trying to) that are self-focused and it seems as if everything is always about them. I haven't really had a close friend (other than my husband) for three years now.

A little about my background- I was mentally/emotionally abused by my mom for at least five years during my childhood. I know that has had a big impact on who I am (and I do forgive her and have a good relationship with her now, by the grace of God).

Anyways, I've never felt like I belonged with the family I was born into. I am so different from my family. I am an extremely sensitive soul and have always been unique and felt different from other people. I've never felt like I belong anywhere on this earth. In a way, you would think it's good, because it draws me closer to God. Perhaps, but I feel so LONELY. I am married to a very good husband. He is so loving and I absolutely know that he loves me more than any other person on this earth can or does, which is an amazing gift from God. That helps. But I still feel so alone sometimes, especially when he is gone for work.

I believe I struggle with general anxiety and social anxiety, but I've never been diagnosed as such, even after seeing multiple psychiatrists and counselors.

I just have such a hard time talking to people. It feels really awkward to me. I worry a lot about doing something wrong. If I get into any kind of conflict with anyone, I feel completely stressed out over it. It feels like the "end of the world" to me.

Mental illness runs in my family, so it's likely some of the things I battle are genetic. On top of this, I have many physical issues that I believe are related to scoliosis of the spine (a curve in my spine). I don't have any clear answers, even after having been to some doctors/chiropractors over the years, and the last two years have been rather painful and uncomfortable for me physically. I feel like no one truly understands what I go through on a daily basis. My husband seems to think I'm exaggerating. But I have pain in so many areas of my body... I'm young (23) and feel like I have an old body.

My main point is that I feel like I may never really be able to connect to other people very well. I've always been afraid that there is something wrong with me... I just really hope that someone on here can relate to me and I'm hoping that I'm not truly alone in how I feel and what I'm going through.

Any encouragement, prayers, relating to me, etc, would be so wonderful.

God bless,
~Journey77

 

[renewed21]

I am so very sorry for your troubles journey. I can also relate to you on many issues. I can empathize with what you are going through. You are not alone. There are many good people on CF to befriend. We love you and care about you. You are made in God's image and are a blessing from God.

We Christians are all brothers and sisters. Your pain in my pain, your happiness is my happiness. Maybe try and friend some people here or join a Bible study group in order to open up some socializing opportunities, don't be afraid to make the first step.

I have faith in you. God Bless.

 

[Murmur]

I always seem to have such a hard time connecting to people. Friends I've had over the years have never lasted. I seem to always choose the same type of friends (without trying to) that are self-focused and it seems as if everything is always about them. I haven't really had a close friend (other than my husband) for three years now.

Anyways, I've never felt like I belonged with the family I was born into. I am so different from my family. I am an extremely sensitive soul and have always been unique and felt different from other people. I've never felt like I belong anywhere on this earth. In a way, you would think it's good, because it draws me closer to God. Perhaps, but I feel so LONELY. I am married to a very good husband. He is so loving and I absolutely know that he loves me more than any other person on this earth can or does, which is an amazing gift from God. That helps. But I still feel so alone sometimes, especially when he is gone for work.

I believe I struggle with general anxiety and social anxiety, but I've never been diagnosed as such, even after seeing multiple psychiatrists and counselors.

I just have such a hard time talking to people. It feels really awkward to me. I worry a lot about doing something wrong. If I get into any kind of conflict with anyone, I feel completely stressed out over it. It feels like the "end of the world" to me.

Mental illness runs in my family, so it's likely some of the things I battle are genetic. On top of this, I have many physical issues that I believe are related to scoliosis of the spine (a curve in my spine). But I have pain in so many areas of my body... I'm young (23) and feel like I have an old body.

My main point is that I feel like I may never really be able to connect to other people very well. I've always been afraid that there is something wrong with me... I just really hope that someone on here can relate to me and I'm hoping that I'm not truly alone in how I feel and what I'm going through.

Any encouragement, prayers, relating to me, etc, would be so wonderful.

God bless,
~Journey77

Hey, sweetie... I can relate. Mental illness runs in our family tree as well, and I have a diagnosis sheet as long as my arm! I also have Spondylosis (arthritis in my pelvis), my pelvic bone is corroded and there's a chance my spine could fuse together later in my life. I'm only 34, and feel old.
Always the black sheep in the family... I have 10 piercings and 10 tattoos, while my brother only has 3 tattoos and no piercings. Whatever works, I guess...
I write like I talk. I'm a severe introvert, but I can say a lot behind a computer screen. I don't have many real-life friends, but online friends mean the world to me as well.
I'll send some good energy your way!

 

[journey77]

Hi Renewed21~

Thank you so much for the words of encouragement. I feel a true Godly love coming from you and I really appreciate it. I would love to befriend some others here. It's always much easier for me to write than to actually talk; I've always been a writer and able to communicate best this way.

I'm part of a regular church. I've gotten together with some different ladies from church.. but it never seems like it turns out how I would hope. It seems to go back to the fact that I seem to choose people to talk to who can't really relate to me the way I'm hoping for. I had a nice visit with the pastor's wife recently, and she had a lot of good things to say, but it was more like she was just reading scripture and telling me her thoughts. There wasn't any true interaction going on, meaning she wasn't asking me much about myself or my thoughts, etc. That makes me feel alone. Another lady I got together with from church tends to ramble on, very excitable, and hard to focus. She's more "surface" talk, whereas I like to talk about deeper things. She's very ADD, which just doesn't mesh well with my personality.. I'm pretty calm and enjoy a conversation that goes back and forth and is not just about one person.

If anyone would like to be e-mail buddies.. let me know.

 

[journey77]

Hey, sweetie... I can relate. Mental illness runs in our family tree as well, and I have a diagnosis sheet as long as my arm! I also have Spondylosis (arthritis in my pelvis), my pelvic bone is corroded and there's a chance my spine could fuse together later in my life. I'm only 34, and feel old.
Always the black sheep in the family... I have 10 piercings and 10 tattoos, while my brother only has 3 tattoos and no piercings. Whatever works, I guess...
I write like I talk. I'm a severe introvert, but I can say a lot behind a computer screen. I don't have many real-life friends, but online friends mean the world to me as well.
I'll send some good energy your way!

Hi Murmur~

Thanks so much for your kindness and relating to me! I'm sorry to hear about your struggles. It's difficult when we struggle with various ailments, both physical and mental. I feel certain that this is all part of God's eternal plan, but I'm simply unable to see the true good in it right now. But I feel that I will know it in eternity.

Sounds like you were the black sheep of the family... I've always been the opposite. I was the "as-perfect-as-I-could-be" child, and my brother was the rebellious one. Now, my family often leaves me out of what's going on in their lives. My parents claim that they don't want to "bother me" or "worry me". Maybe it's true, but every time they leave me out and I find things out later, it makes me feel SO alone. I just seem to think and behave differently than my family. I'm definitely not adopted, but I often feel that way. My family is pretty dysfunctional.. my parents have enabled my brother to continue to have drug abuse problems by just helping him with everything. He's even married now, with a step-daughter, and a baby on the way, and he was recently doing drugs and they told me about 3 months later. I could have been praying for him. You can see why I would be upset that they knew something, but didn't want to share with me, thereby making me feel cast out from the family. Anyways, they have helped him buy a house, they supply food all the time, and the list goes on and on. They have never allowed my brother to take responsibility for himself. It's so sad.

Anyways, I got off on a tangent.. just have to vent some of this stuff, so thanks to anyone willing to read.

~Journey77

 

[journey77]

Deleted - trying to get 15 posts so I can private message so that I can have some actual friends. Thanks for your patience with my posts.

 

[journey77]

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[journey77]

Sorry again.

 

[journey77]

Silly me.

 

[journey77]

Silly.

 

[journey77]

Almost there.

 

[journey77]

Done.

 

[amaui]

I can relate to EVERYTHING., the sticking out, awkwardness., and d extreme loneliness. I cried when I heard your story. you childhood is identical to mine. ALMOST COMPLETELY! the. only. thing not similar is having spine problems and a husband. so j know what you go through. God bless. you and stay strong for me I love you! ill pray for your pain so don't worry about that.

 

[janny108]

Hey, sweetie... I can relate. Mental illness runs in our family tree as well, and I have a diagnosis sheet as long as my arm! I also have Spondylosis (arthritis in my pelvis), my pelvic bone is corroded and there's a chance my spine could fuse together later in my life. I'm only 34, and feel old.
Always the black sheep in the family... I have 10 piercings and 10 tattoos, while my brother only has 3 tattoos and no piercings. Whatever works, I guess...
I write like I talk. I'm a severe introvert, but I can say a lot behind a computer screen. I don't have many real-life friends, but online friends mean the world to me as well.
I'll send some good energy your way!

Hi I guess mental illness of some kind runs in my family too. Growing up I sensed as a child something was not quite right but could not identify it. I read books on boundaries and that clarified a lot. Both of my sisters have been in therapy of some kind. I'm the oldest which to me means I've seen more of the dynamic. I'm going to consider professional help, there are some things I just can't get a handle on. I was never a "black sheep" but I always believed in being true to myself even if others were just going along just to go along. I became a Christian at 21 and I went in the army and left home.
Yeah I can relate to having online friends too. I feel for y'all that have medical conditions like you described.

 

[jess9450]

um, i'm confused. you're married, aren't you? and yet you still feel alone?