My boyfriend of almost two years just broke up with me yesterday. This is especially heartbreaking to me because I only ever considered being in a relationship with him because I thought he was the One and he thought I was the One too. We were really close friends that had fallen for each other. We both admitted to it, but didn't officially date until we were sure that that we both loved each other. I didn't want to get into a high school relationship that wouldn't go anywhere. I wanted my first boyfriend to be my only boyfriend and eventual husband. I wanted my first kiss to be with my eventual husband. I wanted all my firsts to be with my eventual husband. He promised that he would never break up with me and that we would get married after college. I believed him and decided to engage in a relationship with him.
It was good at first until he started to pressure me about sexual intimacy. I've never believed kissing was a sin, so he and I made out. Sometimes he'd kiss my neck. Sometimes my stomach. I didn't think this was a big deal, so I let him continue. Then he started kissing and touching closer to my chest area. I panicked and told him that I didn't want to go that far. He told me he couldn't help it because I was attractive and that he felt ashamed for wanting to reach second base. I felt so bad that he felt guilty and really pleased that he thought I was attractive, since I never thought so. I struggled with letting him reach second base, but I thought that since we both loved each other, it was allowable. So I let him.
Soon, he wasn't just content with second base. He wanted to get to third. While I thought second base was allowable, in no way did I think third base was. Touching intimate areas and oral sex were sexual acts reserved for marriage. He begged and pleaded with me. He didn't even want me to pleasure him, he wanted to pleasure me. I said no though and told him that I wanted my first sexual acts to be with my husband in marriage. I told him that I would feel so ashamed if I had to tell my husband he wasn't the first person to touch me or see me naked. He felt guilty and ashamed but still pleaded, reasoning that it wasn't a sin if we were going to get married. While I believed we would get married, I knew it wasn't a sure thing. And I didn't think that his reasoning justified it. I told him that people who become intimate too soon end up breaking up more than people who abstain. He promised we wouldn't break up and said he just wanted to be as intimate with me as possible. I struggled, but said no. But I hated saying no to him, and eventually my resolve waned. I let him finger me.
I didn't really want it though. I was so closed off to the idea, that my body didn't respond how it would during sexual intimacy. I closed up. It hurt. He stopped immediately. I felt so ashamed. So did he. We cried and thought we should break up but I didn't want that. I loved him too much. So we stayed together, but absolved not to do it again.
I knew he really wanted it though, and eventually we did it again. Not only did he finger me, but he stimulated me orally. When I told him to stop, he asked if I could return the favor. I agreed, but it took me awhile to actually do the deed. We eventually stopped going out, wanting to stay in to engage in sexual activity. He asked me to send him nude photos before. I said no at first, but gave in. I asked him to delete them after a day though. He later asked me to send him photos of me in my underwear. I said no but later agreed again. I told him he could absolute not take away my virginity, but he asked if we could partake in anal sex. I hesitated for awhile, but eventually conceded again.
After over a year of sexual activity, he broke up with me. We were high school sweethearts and are currently in different colleges. He says it's because he doesn't think we have any common interests. That when we talk it's only about school and not about real conversation. He thinks that it only seemed like we had things in common in high school because we were in the same school, had the same teachers, and had the same friends. He told me that he doesn't think we're compatible and that he feels empty but believes that I can't fill him up. He says he needs time to be single and to work on his relationship with God.
I can't help but think he thinks we stopped sharing common interests because we never took the time to develop them because we spent so much time being intimate. I know lots of couples stop sharing common interests after awhile, but they eventually work through it by trying new things together. We never did that because we stayed in to touch each other. I do not agree with him about not sharing common interests and not having real conversations, but I'm not going to argue with him about it. I feel so worthless because I thought he completed me, but obviously he doesn't feel the same... because he made me so happy and while I tried so hard to make him happy, I couldn't do the same.
I feel so stupid and ashamed for having given him almost all of me just because he said he loved me and would marry me. I feel so stupid for believing him when he said he thought I was the One... for trusting him to keep his promises. I know he loved me, but obviously it wasn't enough. And I hate this because I told him that if we were intimate, we would be more likely to break up. And I want to hate him because now I feel dirty, used and broken... but I can't. Because even though he wanted it, I was the one who gave in. He told me not to give in just because I felt pressured, but I did give in. And I hate myself for it. I feel like such a harlot... I'm damaged goods now. I don't think any guy will want me anymore. Even if one did, I don't think I could ever be with him because of how I feel about myself now...
I really want to get back together with him. I love him so much. My heart is literally hurting right now. But I know we won't...
It was good at first until he started to pressure me about sexual intimacy. I've never believed kissing was a sin, so he and I made out. Sometimes he'd kiss my neck. Sometimes my stomach. I didn't think this was a big deal, so I let him continue. Then he started kissing and touching closer to my chest area. I panicked and told him that I didn't want to go that far. He told me he couldn't help it because I was attractive and that he felt ashamed for wanting to reach second base. I felt so bad that he felt guilty and really pleased that he thought I was attractive, since I never thought so. I struggled with letting him reach second base, but I thought that since we both loved each other, it was allowable. So I let him.
Soon, he wasn't just content with second base. He wanted to get to third. While I thought second base was allowable, in no way did I think third base was. Touching intimate areas and oral sex were sexual acts reserved for marriage. He begged and pleaded with me. He didn't even want me to pleasure him, he wanted to pleasure me. I said no though and told him that I wanted my first sexual acts to be with my husband in marriage. I told him that I would feel so ashamed if I had to tell my husband he wasn't the first person to touch me or see me naked. He felt guilty and ashamed but still pleaded, reasoning that it wasn't a sin if we were going to get married. While I believed we would get married, I knew it wasn't a sure thing. And I didn't think that his reasoning justified it. I told him that people who become intimate too soon end up breaking up more than people who abstain. He promised we wouldn't break up and said he just wanted to be as intimate with me as possible. I struggled, but said no. But I hated saying no to him, and eventually my resolve waned. I let him finger me.
I didn't really want it though. I was so closed off to the idea, that my body didn't respond how it would during sexual intimacy. I closed up. It hurt. He stopped immediately. I felt so ashamed. So did he. We cried and thought we should break up but I didn't want that. I loved him too much. So we stayed together, but absolved not to do it again.
I knew he really wanted it though, and eventually we did it again. Not only did he finger me, but he stimulated me orally. When I told him to stop, he asked if I could return the favor. I agreed, but it took me awhile to actually do the deed. We eventually stopped going out, wanting to stay in to engage in sexual activity. He asked me to send him nude photos before. I said no at first, but gave in. I asked him to delete them after a day though. He later asked me to send him photos of me in my underwear. I said no but later agreed again. I told him he could absolute not take away my virginity, but he asked if we could partake in anal sex. I hesitated for awhile, but eventually conceded again.
After over a year of sexual activity, he broke up with me. We were high school sweethearts and are currently in different colleges. He says it's because he doesn't think we have any common interests. That when we talk it's only about school and not about real conversation. He thinks that it only seemed like we had things in common in high school because we were in the same school, had the same teachers, and had the same friends. He told me that he doesn't think we're compatible and that he feels empty but believes that I can't fill him up. He says he needs time to be single and to work on his relationship with God.
I can't help but think he thinks we stopped sharing common interests because we never took the time to develop them because we spent so much time being intimate. I know lots of couples stop sharing common interests after awhile, but they eventually work through it by trying new things together. We never did that because we stayed in to touch each other. I do not agree with him about not sharing common interests and not having real conversations, but I'm not going to argue with him about it. I feel so worthless because I thought he completed me, but obviously he doesn't feel the same... because he made me so happy and while I tried so hard to make him happy, I couldn't do the same.
I feel so stupid and ashamed for having given him almost all of me just because he said he loved me and would marry me. I feel so stupid for believing him when he said he thought I was the One... for trusting him to keep his promises. I know he loved me, but obviously it wasn't enough. And I hate this because I told him that if we were intimate, we would be more likely to break up. And I want to hate him because now I feel dirty, used and broken... but I can't. Because even though he wanted it, I was the one who gave in. He told me not to give in just because I felt pressured, but I did give in. And I hate myself for it. I feel like such a harlot... I'm damaged goods now. I don't think any guy will want me anymore. Even if one did, I don't think I could ever be with him because of how I feel about myself now...
I really want to get back together with him. I love him so much. My heart is literally hurting right now. But I know we won't...
