Feel So Utterly Defeated - Warning possible trigger

[flowerforever7]

Well if any of you have been reading my posts you know I have been having an incredibly hard time finding a car due to the OCD. I asked God to sanctify this one car that I was going to look at no matter what so I can get it. Well, I go, and the car is fine, (being able to get there without canceling the appointment was a feat). Well, I go there and test drive it and afterwards I notice it feels like my asthma is acting up (the car has probably been smoked in). I am extremely sensitive to cigarette smoke, and I usually have breathing problems when I am around it. It was going to be the ideal car until I started feeling symptoms of asthma. This is the second car it happened with, there was another one (OCD aside) the guy had a cigarette in his hand when we approached, and the car was most likely smoked in. When I was in the car going home from looking at the other car I started to have breathing trouble. Well on the way home from looking at this car, I started to have symptoms of asthma too. I got so frusterated and felt so defeated (I am living with these people temporarily until I find a car and a place), the man seems to be getting ancy about me getting a car. As I was feeling defeat that this is the second time this has happened I started feeling frusterated and exhasperated toward the Holy Spirit, like as in I try so hard to do one simple thing (because of the OCD) and it gets undermined because my asthma. In my frustration a very derogotory term went in my mind toward the Holy Spirit. I don't feel that the Holy Spirit is what I thought in my mind, and I don't think I really meant the thought when it was in my mind; but I may have because I was feeling frustrated toward God's Spirit. I wonder if I get the car if I will be condemned, but I feel convicted about getting the car because of my asthma because that is not treating my body right, but I am living with these people and they want me to get my own car. I thought about just getting the car so I can move out of here and then selling it, and getting another so my asthma is not provoked. I just feel so defeated and felt like kneeling in a ditch and putting a gun to my head and pulling the trigger. On top of all the OCD difficulties to even do one thing, then it gets complicated by my asthma, then by me being on a timeframe with other people. As I was typing this I was starting to feel convicted about putting it lest I make someone else stumble, then I felt anger that I would not be able to express myself and another derogotory term came out of my heart?/mind toward the Holy Spirit. I need help. I need prayers (that no one would stumble by reading my post, that God would remove my sins and save me, and that I can get the help I need practically, and mentally etc.) I just feel so broken. I am tired, so tired; and sad. I am not going to commit suicide; my Mom would be devastated and because I don't know where I would end up (Heaven or Hell) for doing such a thing, I am not doing it. The last thing I want to do is undermine any chance I have to go to Heaven and be with God. I just hurt and I'm tired of all this. Please pray for me?

 

[amaui]

I will pray for you. First i wanna say that your salvation is no longer dependent on you. You didnt give it to yourself and you cant take it away. Second i want to say that if someone can lose salvation (which is unheard of unless you can suddenly believe Christ isnt real) then Jesus is the only one who can take it away. He said those who come to Him he wont cast out and when your in His Fathers hand nothing can snatch you out. All this jumbles into one thing..... Jesus determines the salvation and he doesnt wanna cast anyone out. You CANNOT lose salvation it is not entirely biblical. I encourage you to trust our Loving God and get the car you want. The Holy Spirit doesnt care what you eat or what car you have or any other worldly thing. Hes there to guide you by means of spiritual things not cars. Dont listen to you OCD. Get whatever car you want

 

[flowerforever7]

I also feel guilty that if I get the car, what if I have an asthma attack and pass out at the wheel and possibly kill someone. Granted, my asthma has never gotten to the point where I pass out. It has gotten so bad that I almost called 911 from choking on phlem that I was having significant difficulty clearing from my throat, etc., but that was when I was sick with a respitory infection which often makes my asthma symptoms worse. I would be in the car for almost an hour a day, it will be difficult to daily have to deal with active asthma symptoms as a result of driving in that car. Intellectually I doubt that I would pass out at the wheel, but that is a lot of exposure every day. Some asthma symptoms after only in the car about 5 - 10 minutes taking it for a test drive. I know OCD can throw you into fear overdrive where you think what if what if. I don't want to sin against God also by potentially endangering other people's lives because the car interior provokes my asthma and scary symptoms can be possible; I also don't want to put other peoples lives at risk. However, I know that I have never passed out from an asthma episode / feeling short of breath, and doubt that I would (though it is in the realm of possibilities). I don't know what I should do. Any thoughts?

 

[amaui]

Trust God. Thats all you have to do. Hes not gonna let you hurt anyone but you have to trust him. He is with you always and never leaves. Dont worry about your asthma: God has it under control. Air freshen the car or whatever but dont worry tell God about your concerns. This car issue is a very small hill you have to climb just do it. I wanna tell you to get over this fear and trust God. YOUR NOT TRUSTING HIM YOU ARE WORRYING! STOP IT! I say this because i care. Dont sweat the small stuff just let Christ deal with it dont be the god in your life