Feel like im drowning in my mistake

[To Life...]

Hi

I dont know what to do, i am really struggling Spiritually and with my marriage, i am questioning everything in my life and what it all means. I was married very young (20yrs) and have been married for 6 years. I love my husband dearly, but we fight all the time and I find that i am regretting getting married so young (however I dont regret marrying him)... i do feel like im trapped. I had no concept of 'for life' when i married. I did choose a great husband and he is a wonderful man, but i feel like i am married to a friend, i am not really physically attracted to him and much of the time i feel more like his mother than his wife.

To make all this worse I developed a close male friendship (over a 1.5yrs ago) with an older man, this soon turned into more (we have not had sex but are physically/emotionally involved, we speak daily). I feel like im drowning. Never did i think in a million years i would be in this mess that I have got myself in. My husband knows about this other man but does not know the details or that i still have contact with him, he knows that I was in love with the other man and he with me.

I feel like this is all slowly killing my walk with my husband and with God, and I feel really disturbed by this. I have no idea what im doing and why, i feel like it happened over such a long time, little bit by little bit that i havent even had the time to feel guilty about this relationship and where it was going until recently when it went further than it should have. Its only just started to hit me what a mess i am in, and i have no idea who to turn to and what to do to fix this mess.

I love my husband and want to feel with him, what i feel with this other man.

Please don't judge me, I know I have stuffed up. I am seeking your wisdom, support and prayer to pull myself out of this and move on with my husband. I don't feel i have anyone else i can talk to about this.

Thanks in advance

 

[joy2daworld]

As I read this, I thought it was my story all over again. I married at just barely 21, a man in the navy that I'd known for only 4 months. We didn't even live in the same state: he in Virginia and I in Michigan. His homestate was New York. During the first 5 or 6 years, we fought and argued more than we had good times. He had an affair with a friend of mine--from church!--and we almost split up. I also felt more like a mother than a wife because of his habits in our home, with our finances, and just with his behavior. It wasn't easy by any means.

But "til death do us part" really has to mean something. We just celebrated our 21st anniversary. I can't say that it got better after those first few years. In fact, I tried to leave several times for the first 17 yrs, but something or someone always made me stay. I had male friends and a whole host of emotions I wasn't getting from my husband. One of them was an ex I had never had sex with. We talked secretly for all those years. He gave me what I needed when I was feeling rejected, spit on, crumpled, useless, and unloved. I still have intimacy issues, probably due to the verbal and physical abuse I experienced in those first 17 years. But I'm still here. Four years ago, my husband asked the Lord into his heart and changed his life. With his instruction to join the church and a whole lot of counseling with an understanding Christian counselor, we are time zones away from where we were in our 17th year.

I believe I married the man God wanted me too. We have 3 wonderful children who love the Lord and will eventually be good Christian citizens. I am blessed to have this man in my life. He takes care of me, he understands me better than I understand myself, and he has grown up so much since we were in our 20s.

My advice to you is to find a Christian couples counselor. Go to her/him by yourself if you have to, or with your husband. After my own experiences, I believe no couple can make it through a time like this without the help of a Christian counselor. Please, don't go to a secular counselor. They will only suggest you divorce. You don't need a separation of any kind. You need healing and communication. You will survive. I'm praying for you.

 

[xDenax]

There is no way you can clearly evaluate or work on your marriage why the other man is in the picture. You need to severe ties with him. If that means getting a new job, then get one. If it means moving, then move. If you want to stay in your marriage then you are going to have to make the effort and the first thing you have to to is get rid of the other man.

 

[joy2daworld]

I agree. The counselor insisted that would be the only way to fix my marriage, even though I insisted I didn't have any sort of "relationship" with the other man. I haven't spoken to him for 3 years.

 

[dorig59]

Do you guys have kids yet?

The only thing you can do is to determine to, foa, get the other guy out of the picture, waaaay out of the picture. Then go to the Lord in repentance. And then decide you're going to make your marriage work. Oftentimes God will reward just our intentions, He'll bless you for wanting to do the right thing. If you hang in there, the "feelings" you want will come. They're not always there for any of us, it ebbs and flows. You also can't judge your marriage on feelings because feelings are fleeting and fickle. Spend some real in-depth time with the Lord. See if there is an older godly woman at your church you can be accountable to, or that she can sort of be your mentor.

 

[Romanseight2005]

Do you guys have kids yet?

The only thing you can do is to determine to, foa, get the other guy out of the picture, waaaay out of the picture. Then go to the Lord in repentance. And then decide you're going to make your marriage work. Oftentimes God will reward just our intentions, He'll bless you for wanting to do the right thing. If you hang in there, the "feelings" you want will come. They're not always there for any of us, it ebbs and flows. You also can't judge your marriage on feelings because feelings are fleeting and fickle. Spend some real in-depth time with the Lord. See if there is an older godly woman at your church you can be accountable to, or that she can sort of be your mentor.

This is great advice! Drawing close to the Lord is key. I am wondering about some things. You don't have to answer these questions, but maybe answering them to yourself will give you some insight. Were you ever physically attracted to your husband? Do you remember when you lost that attraction, and what was going on at the time? What kinds of things do you allow into your thought life? For instance, do you watch soap operas, Read romance novels, or magazines that are gossippy or display pictures or stories of handsome men? Often, our sexual tastes are determined by what we ignite them with. Proverbs exhorts us to guard our hearts. Ask the Lord to show you how to do this. Also, remember that we are not to lean on our own understanding, but to acknowledge the Lord in all our ways, and He will make our paths straight.

 

[Ekklesia1]

Hi

I dont know what to do, i am really struggling Spiritually and with my marriage, i am questioning everything in my life and what it all means. I was married very young (20yrs) and have been married for 6 years. I love my husband dearly, but we fight all the time

What is the topic and source of the fighting ?

and I find that i am regretting getting married so young (however I dont regret marrying him)... i do feel like im trapped. I had no concept of 'for life' when i married. I did choose a great husband and he is a wonderful man, but i feel like i am married to a friend, i am not really physically attracted to him and much of the time i feel more like his mother than his wife.

I cross a dozen women a week who would give their left arm for their husbands to be their friend...even if it meant it lacked in physical attraction.

Some things come and go in a marriage in cycles. Attraction can be one of them.
Being married to a person you can never be friends is a bit harder to remedy.

To make all this worse I developed a close male friendship (over a 1.5yrs ago) with an older man, this soon turned into more (we have not had sex but are physically/emotionally involved, we speak daily). I feel like im drowning. Never did i think in a million years i would be in this mess that I have got myself in. My husband knows about this other man but does not know the details or that i still have contact with him, he knows that I was in love with the other man and he with me.

Two words....GET OUT !
Leave it behind, no excuses. Break it off NOW !
If you cant or wont then anything that comes of it is YOUR FAULT !

I feel like this is all slowly killing my walk with my husband and with God, and I feel really disturbed by this.

Of course you do...thats exactly what is doing and will continue to do.
You cant play the odds here sister...no riding the fence...get in or get out.

I have no idea what im doing and why, i feel like it happened over such a long time, little bit by little bit that i havent even had the time to feel guilty about this relationship and where it was going until recently when it went further than it should have. Its only just started to hit me what a mess i am in, and i have no idea who to turn to and what to do to fix this mess.

Tell this joker who is getting between you and your husband goodbye. Cut it off completely and never speak to him again.

I love my husband and want to feel with him, what i feel with this other man.

What do you feel with this other man ? Some feel good emotion that will flows like the tides and is nothing like true love which is a choice we make, not an emotion that comes and goes ?

Please don't judge me, I know I have stuffed up. I am seeking your wisdom, support and prayer to pull myself out of this and move on with my husband. I don't feel i have anyone else i can talk to about this.

Thanks in advance

Ive made far too many mistakes of my own to judge you, sister.
But my mistakes and those of my exwife make me know that your life is going to go down paths you wont want to walk if you dont get some of these things remedied quickly and finally.

 

[Hosannainthehighest]

your affair is not the answer to your problems, it's just an immediate solution to feel a little better.
i agree that you find christian support in the form of counselling to work through the issues you and your husband are fighting about. the other thing is that it's not so much that your fighting about stuff, it's the fact that you aren't communicating maturely about things, and finding outside sources to distract you from having to grow up.
it's so easy to say this in looking in from the outside, but there have been plenty of answers here to encourage you to make the right choice, there wont be an immediate change as growing up takes time, it's just up to you to decide if you want to grow up with or without your husband.

 

[JohnDB]

The others have said some pretty harsh but true things...

And I have one other for you that might seem strange and out there.

Do not tell your husband all the intimate details of your relationship with this guy...but at the same time share your heart with your husband...tell him how you are feeling. Give him your heart that you promised...even if at first it feels awkward and that he is gonna be insensitive to it...it will be OK.

Hold up a venting sign when you are venting so that he knows you arent looking for him to solve your problems...that you are only venting.

share...that is what happened with this other guy...he was willing to listen and you gave him what you should have been giving your husband all along. And that will do more to restore your feelings for him than anything else. It is going to be tough at first for a while....but things will slowly shift back to where they should be.

Repect your husband...he will love you even harder for it. And all those feelings of worthlessness in you at this time will go away eventually.

 

[To Life...]

Thank you all for your replies, I have read them all so many times and really thought about them. I really appreciate all your input and advice.

To answer some questions:
- No we don’t have any children
- I wasn't attracted to my husband at the start, as he 'grew on me' I became attracted to him
- No i don’t remember what happened to change that attraction, actually I really do thing its because I don’t feel like his beautiful wife (feminine) I feel like his nagging mother
- I hate soaps, have never read a romance novel & I don’t buy mags
- Source of fighting is stupid every day stuff, we are at each other all the time... sometimes we cant have a conversation without an argument. Other days we are fine and there are no issues. I think frustration about more major issues (such as me feeling like his mother) maybe flow over and cause stupid arguments.
- To sum up how I feel with the other man would be feminine, I feel like the roles are as they should be.

I was really relieved to read this "Some things come and go in a marriage in cycles. Attraction can be one of them." & "If you hang in there, the "feelings" you want will come. They're not always there for any of us, it ebbs and flows. You also can't judge your marriage on feelings because feelings are fleeting and fickle."

This also really hit me:
"But my mistakes and those of my exwife make me know that your life is going to go down paths you wont want to walk if you dont get some of these things remedied quickly and finally."

Thank you all, please continue with any input you may have, it does help me to see more clearly.

 

[nahMish]

There's nothing more destructive than a three person love triangle. its not good..its not biblical and it hurts your marriage. your husband knows about it (well, not all the details but he knows about this guy). You say you feel distant from your husband....would you want to open up your heart to someone who was emotionally sleeping with someone else? Of course not !!!
you need to break up the other relationship- end it. that means....no going back...no phone calls. nothing. NOTHING.
and you need to be open with your husband-and sort through it TOGETHER...this means, open...open...communication. If you are to save your marriage you have to do it quickly. marriage counselling helps.
You say you feel feminine with this other guy...so he MAKES YOU feel good. This
isn't what a marriage in the bible is supposed to be. its about serving. YOu haven't served your husband for a long time and if you are going to save your marriage...its what you have to do.
But first of all you must cling to God, clear the junk out of your life, start talking and seek help.
I feel for you my friend. But all the advice given to you here does nothing without action. You have to decide whether you are sticking to your marriage vows or not. I pray that you do

 

[Janelb08]

Feelings are dangerous. As said earlier, they are fickle. They change. Which is why we should never live by how we feel. Sever absolutely every tie you have with this third man. If you want your marriage to work, you MUST choose your husband over "feeling good".

Also said before was how lucky you are that your husband is your friend. THAT is the most important foundation for a marriage, outside of Christ being the center of course-friendship. Love, attraction, comfortability, romance-they ALL come from, first, a mutual, deep friendship with one another. Talents, abilities, appearances, even ambitions change with time. Friendship is forever, and maintains that attraction when you're fifty and your hair is grey.

And I agree with the counciling.

 

[To Life...]

YOu haven't served your husband for a long time and if you are going to save your marriage...its what you have to do.

Thank you

I have actually not thought of this, as strange as that sounds. I think I have held back from him for a while (not on purpose, it just happened to protect myself). I didnt realise how much its prob hurting our relationship.

I have already made some changes just based on that one line above... this is why i have come on here to get others wisdom and advice because I know at the moment im not seeing as i should.

Again thank you

 

[McScribe]

I want to encourage you in this, in that you are asking for help about what to do. I have found in my own marriage how important it is to always turn in repentance to God, even about little things. Repentance means more than just being sorry, it means genuinely believing in God for the good things in your life, believing that God can bring you understanding, power, and mercy.

A lot of the time we bring bad agreements into marriages--we often let things go and avoid facing things about ourselves, our feelings and our mates and yet these are genuinely unbiblical thoughts and feelings that we have not submitted to God. So it is not as hard as we think, I believe, to have redemption in our marriages just as we have redemption in our lives, if we are truly in our prayers submitting everything to the Lord.

I realize that this might sound like a lot of talk, so I will try to explain this further.

My wife believed that conflict could not be resolved--that it had to be let go somehow, avoided. I believed that it could be. This caused us huge fights at times, because I had believed that there were things we had resolved which she believed she had let go, and so during a difficult time in our lives we found ourselves struggling. But you see that agreement she had made in her heart, that a conflict could be not be resolved, had her feeling that when we were not in agreement that she had to find ways of avoiding dealing with things. This was like a trap for our relationship that lay in wait for years, that neither of us really clearly knew about.

By the grace of God that was overcome, and I have to emphasize that it was not a lot of hard work that did that but prayer for understanding; it came when I humbled myself in prayer and gave my wife complete forgiveness for disappointing me--understanding that because our marriage was becoming a loveless one that I had also disappointed God without even knowing how.

 

[To Life...]

I want to encourage you in this, in that you are asking for help about what to do. I have found in my own marriage how important it is to always turn in repentance to God, even about little things. Repentance means more than just being sorry, it means genuinely believing in God for the good things in your life, believing that God can bring you understanding, power, and mercy.

A lot of the time we bring bad agreements into marriages--we often let things go and avoid facing things about ourselves, our feelings and our mates and yet these are genuinely unbiblical thoughts and feelings that we have not submitted to God. So it is not as hard as we think, I believe, to have redemption in our marriages just as we have redemption in our lives, if we are truly in our prayers submitting everything to the Lord.

I realize that this might sound like a lot of talk, so I will try to explain this further.

My wife believed that conflict could not be resolved--that it had to be let go somehow, avoided. I believed that it could be. This caused us huge fights at times, because I had believed that there were things we had resolved which she believed she had let go, and so during a difficult time in our lives we found ourselves struggling. But you see that agreement she had made in her heart, that a conflict could be not be resolved, had her feeling that when we were not in agreement that she had to find ways of avoiding dealing with things. This was like a trap for our relationship that lay in wait for years, that neither of us really clearly knew about.

By the grace of God that was overcome, and I have to emphasize that it was not a lot of hard work that did that but prayer for understanding; it came when I humbled myself in prayer and gave my wife complete forgiveness for disappointing me--understanding that because our marriage was becoming a loveless one that I had also disappointed God without even knowing how.

The thing that really does scare me about all of this is that I have only really felt guilty over the whole thing a few times, then it passes. Its like its not even happening, its not real to me. I know that its wrong, but I think because it has happened so slowly that it doesn’t feel as wrong as it i think it should. I also think I don’t label things as they are, like I wouldn’t call it an affair, but maybe technically it is? I know that’s the whole nature of deception, which is why I’m here so that I have input from other Christians.


Repentance I believe means to turn your back on whatever it is that you are repenting from. I know that Gods love and Mercy covers me and I know that what im doing is wrong. The hardest thing in turning my back on this 'sin' is that I would have to turn my back on a person, on someone I love. Its not just a 'sin' its a person. This other man has opened his heart and life up to me and to turn around and have nothing to do with him at all, he would not understand it because he is not a Christian. The only way i could see doing this is to wean from him and have less and less contact. I know it sounds strange because I am not being fair to my husband in it all.

I cant believe how warped my views have become, I know I am completely deceived. Some other things running through my head are things like questioning what marriage even means, for example back in the Bible days they had many wives (& God blessed them, there was nothing wrong with it), they got their slaves preg etc and none of it was even a big deal. Why and when did this all change to marriage being a commitment between one husband one wife for life? Since when is marriage when you have an actual ceremony? Isnt it more the physical joining of people (sex)? It also just seems completely un-natural to be married to one person for life. How can someone live with someone else forever and still be sexually, emotionally, and spiritually connected to them forever? Is that even possible? I know that people remain together forever but to stay as connected as in the begining is that possible? The whole thing seems really strange to me. Don’t get me wrong I do feel connected and love my husband now but we are only 6 years in! What about in another 70yrs of marriag? I really wouldn’t trade my husband for anyone, I just question marriage and maybe feel smothered by the thoughts above.

I am trying... and i have discussed my thoughts (above) with my husband (as a general discussion not in a confronting way).

 

[McScribe]

Hm. Forgive me if I sound offensive, but there is something I doubt when people say things like 'I love him but I'm just not happy'. Sometimes I wonder if they find it really hard to say what they really feel because they believe that they OUGHT to love that person. Just a thought.

Anyway, forget about feeling guilty for now, since you are admitting that you don't. It isn't about feeling guilty; it's about turning to God for your understanding and wisdom, genuinely praying and offering your life up. Do you understand what I mean? It's not hedging your bets or even assuming "I am a bad girl because I have been having an emotional affair and I need to stop." It means literally baring your heart to God and telling God EVERYTHING.

I think that the thoughts you expressed about marriage are good ones. We should not assume that church ceremonies or traditions are necessarily reflections of God's plans. It has to mean something more than that. It has to mean that regardless of tradition and ceremony, regardless of all of christian, jewish and pagan history that there has to be some truth that passes our earthly understanding and truly is meaningful to our hearts. Otherwise it's all just evolution in fancy dress.

Here is one thought for you: I challenge you (and others) to find the wedding ceremony with the vows as we generally know them in the Bible.

 

[To Life...]

Hm. Forgive me if I sound offensive, but there is something I doubt when people say things like 'I love him but I'm just not happy'. Sometimes I wonder if they find it really hard to say what they really feel because they believe that they OUGHT to love that person. Just a thought.

Anyway, forget about feeling guilty for now, since you are admitting that you don't. It isn't about feeling guilty; it's about turning to God for your understanding and wisdom, genuinely praying and offering your life up. Do you understand what I mean? It's not hedging your bets or even assuming "I am a bad girl because I have been having an emotional affair and I need to stop." It means literally baring your heart to God and telling God EVERYTHING.

I think that the thoughts you expressed about marriage are good ones. We should not assume that church ceremonies or traditions are necessarily reflections of God's plans. It has to mean something more than that. It has to mean that regardless of tradition and ceremony, regardless of all of christian, jewish and pagan history that there has to be some truth that passes our earthly understanding and truly is meaningful to our hearts. Otherwise it's all just evolution in fancy dress.

Here is one thought for you: I challenge you (and others) to find the wedding ceremony with the vows as we generally know them in the Bible.

Thanks for your fast reply and support, I really do appreciate it... also helps seeing it from a males view point.

Im not offended, I do love him though, I have no doubt about that. As I said I chose well. There are lots of reasons why people are unhappy and it could be more to do with me and where im at with God that my husband. I cant ever imagine not loving him, my issue is more that I feel like I love him like a family member, he means the world to me but I dont feel that romantic kind of love as much.

Yes I know what you mean, I have had a few chances this week to just get alone with God, put on some worship music and just pour my heart out to Him. I know He knows everything so I dont have a prob baring my heart to Him. I guess it comes down to submission and obedience, I know what I have to do but im not doing it.

I know that our ceremony with the vows etc are not Biblical (meaning thats not how it was done back then) vows dont = marriage. We actually didnt even do the traditional vows "i do" etc. Thats why I question this whole idea we have made up of marriage... what makes you married?, what does marriage look like?, what does it mean?, is it one person for ever?, what does adultry mean? etc etc.

I dont even feel like i can find clear answers in the Bible because it looks to me like it used to be a case of 'anything goes' early on and then suddenly its changed... did it change due to culture or because of the Bible? I dont know...

Thanks again

 

[McScribe]

Thanks for your fast reply and support, I really do appreciate it... also helps seeing it from a males view point.

Im not offended, I do love him though, I have no doubt about that. As I said I chose well. There are lots of reasons why people are unhappy and it could be more to do with me and where im at with God that my husband. I cant ever imagine not loving him, my issue is more that I feel like I love him like a family member, he means the world to me but I dont feel that romantic kind of love as much.

Yes I know what you mean, I have had a few chances this week to just get alone with God, put on some worship music and just pour my heart out to Him. I know He knows everything so I dont have a prob baring my heart to Him. I guess it comes down to submission and obedience, I know what I have to do but im not doing it.

I know that our ceremony with the vows etc are not Biblical (meaning thats not how it was done back then) vows dont = marriage. We actually didnt even do the traditional vows "i do" etc. Thats why I question this whole idea we have made up of marriage... what makes you married?, what does marriage look like?, what does it mean?, is it one person for ever?, what does adultry mean? etc etc.

I dont even feel like i can find clear answers in the Bible because it looks to me like it used to be a case of 'anything goes' early on and then suddenly its changed... did it change due to culture or because of the Bible? I dont know...

Thanks again

You're welcome. I hope you will understand I'm not talking from some kind of all-wise point of view, but rather from the humble one of a man who this time last year had trouble sleeping because he was wondering if his marriage was over. And this was not just imaginings; this was a man who would hold his wife and have her flinch on a regular basis, would have her say in a wary tone, "Of course I love you,". This was a man who had sex about once every two months, who found that there was a deep rift between his wife and himself, and who literally considers it a miracle and blessing from the Lord that he is not merely married now but truly joyfully, openly and wondrously married now, better than he could have imagined possible, to the same woman who now laughs in delight at his kisses and says with dampening eyes, "You're such a good man." This came by the grace of God and our mutual submission to that grace. But I don't want to give you platitudes about that--I see that you are genuinely wondering about things and I know from experience that that can be a very good place to be.

Here is one problem: even in the context of the Bible itself marriage seems to change at times--chameleon like it goes from culture to culture. There are some odd clues--for example the fact that lusting after 'strange wives' (I love that King James interpretation of it--what wife is not strange to her man?) that displeased the Lord so, or the polygamy of David and Solomon.

Here's something else too--for every strong and clear definition in the Bible of marriage you find someone who was loved by the Lord who had a truly weird marriage:
-Hosea
-Abraham
-David
-Solomon
-Joseph
-Esther
And so that makes it confusing as well. If marrying someone after they are divorced is adultery, for example, then is Esther an adulteress? If lusting after someone else is something to run to the hills for, how about prostituting your own wife? Can you still be called the 'friend of God' and bargain with God for the lives of others? Apparently you can.

I believe you are right. It is important to be with God about everything in your life, and I believe that it is a temptation to just try to 'follow scripture' somewhat blindly, but how much more important is it to wrestle with understanding and be truly devoted to God?

I think one of the things you are struggling with is the modern idea of marriage. Let's imagine you are say my great-grandmother; you live on the Canadian prairies before WWI, and you are a young woman in a large family. Economically speaking you can't live with your working class family because there are too many mouths to feed. You cannot just live on your own--women don't make enough money on their own; you'd find yourself in desperate poverty in most cases. So you need a good man. The qualifications for this are: he works hard, he's relatively honest, doesn't drink or fight too much, is willing to be a decent part of your community, treats you kindly. You marry a good man, and you are a little lonely at times because he's a game warden and spends weeks and occasional months of the time off in the wilds of northern Manitoba. But you have other extended family around you, and soon you are preoccupied with raising kids, and you have a good life. Your man is devoted to his family; you know this because when he's home he spends time working on building a house so that even if he dies out there in the wilderness you and the family will have your own place to live. He accomplishes this before he dies of influenza in 1920.

A good man today is rather different, and we have different expectations for marriage. One of the first of these to change around is due to the fact that women over the last 40 years or so have been making more money and receiving greater autonomy. We live safer longer lives; we do very different work for the most part and due to a number of modern conveniences women have a lot more time on their hands. (even if it doesn't always seem so) But here's the thing: most people I know didn't get married in order to survive or prosper; they did it in order to be happy. And when you talk about that you will inevitably hear at least one or two christians mutter "Marriage isn't about happiness," "You can't expect to be happy all the time," "Other people can't make you happy, only YOU can make you happy."

The problem with these mutterings I believe is that they are unbiblical. The Bible constantly talks of joy. It doesn't talk of joy simply because we have a good and wonderful God, though that is true. It talks of joy rather literally doesn't it? It talks of herds increasing, tents increasing, fertility increasing, riches increasing, peace, sound minds, happy hearts. It talks of the anticipation a wise people feel knowing that God gives them protection; it talks of restoration of things lost, prisoners freed. God is a God of action, of fulfillment, who understands, Jesus tells us, what we need. We are constantly reminded to pray, to ask that we might receive.

I think that the problem here is that we don't really understand what we need much of the time or how to ask for it. So I ask you this now: do you want to just stay married? Because if marriage is a model for Christ's love for us--well don't you think it has to be a lot better than just doing our duty? Could it be that when we feel angst and doubt that we are actually not living as God intended for us to?

So in your case, you say that your man is a good man and you care for him. Isn't the point not that you ought to be just being loyal to him (which is not a bad thing at all) but rather that God intends that your marriage should reflect the love that He has for us?

 

[Maviga]

Hey there,

first of all, it's brave of you sharing your story here. It's a tough one.
I am the same age as you, married, and met my husband during the same year you met yours. When I met him I knew my 'concept of life' was to spend the rest of it together with him. I still feel that, every day, every hour. I believe we make each other very happy. It's not always a walk in the park but we always kiss and genuinly make up before the sun goes down. The fact that you don't have these happy feelings about your marriage must make it very hard for you.
I think especially at our age. Most of my friends are still single. I would not go out the amount of times they do. Mostly because I do not drink like they do, but also because I feel I need/ want to be home with my husband when we have time off together. A dinner with friends every now and then or an evening out is fine but I do not want to turn into this couple that 'go seperate ways'. Friends go travelling together, are dating etc. etc. There are moment that I think: I am maried. I have another person to think of. For me it's not all that easy. But then at the end of the day it's worth it. But I just mean to say I know where you're coming from there.

When you say: 'I do not always even feel guilty about what I am doing' to me it says a lot about how you and your husband have grown apart, emotionally mainly. For me it's very hard to imagine how you can live with someone every day and gave each other wedding vows and then not feel guilty about what has happened between you and that other man. I am not saying this to give out to you, but to kind of say: wow, you must be really hurt. Is this whole situation just numbing your feelings?

I agree with what a lot of others said here. The other man needs to get out of your life. Right now he is blocking any possibility for you and your husband to have a chance to succeed in your marriage. Is he is a relationship also?
You need to really make a choice. Either to give this marriage a fair chance or to get out. You know deep in your heart what is right. Seeking comfort outside of your marriage is just not an option.

Also, it sounds like you and your husband skipped the dating/ courting stage. My husband first became my best friend before I was dating him. We felt 'made for each other'. We went on long walks and dinners, really truly got to know each other. I look back at that time with a smile on my face. He is still my best friend. When we are mad at each other we always try remember that we are not only together responsible for income, rent, househunting, schedules, shopping, cleaning, housekeeping, family relationships etc, but we are also best friends! It's easy to forget sometimes when times are busy, jobs are stressful, the house is messy..etc..etc... but it's so important to keep in mind to do the fun stuff.

Maybe organise some date nights, do fun stuff. You both have a lot on your plate to deal with but I do believe it will be easier when you work on that part of your relationship as well.

Besides that, get a plan together. You don't want to feel like his mother. Have a look at what you need of him to feel feminine. Be honest. Sit down for a hour, two, three...more...talk openly and make a plan for even the next week. Plan a date night....design some rules for you both. Plan a counsellor appointment.

Good luck.

 

[ido]

You have mentioned a few times that you feel like his mother instead of his wife. What kinds of things make you feel this way and how can you change your reaction/response to them to alter the situation and help you feel less that way?