Feel like giving up but don't want to go to hell

[blacksheep78]

I just feel the need to vent and maybe someone will say something that will help, or at least pray for me. I'm 39, was raised in a Christian home (albeit with an emotionally abusive pastor father) and have always attended church, but never had a relationship with Christ. In the last several months I've been trying to get right because I've been terrified of going to hell. I believe the Bible is true. I believe Christ must be a wonderful Savior because I see other Christians being so in love with Him and living in joy. Every day I struggle with believing Christ died for me and with resting in Him. But the truth is, there are so many things standing in my way.

Probably my biggest problem is not being able to fully submit to God. I try to accept the way He does things but it is SO hard for me. My logical brain fights against a reality that looks SO illogical and awful. I can't stand all the punishment/judgment/hell for people who were born sinners with no choice of their own. And the fact that God made man such that all his descendants would be born corrupted. And the fact that He allows Satan to deceive and blind mankind and then holds man responsible. And the fact that He demands total perfection and anything less than that is sin. And on top of that I cannot feel sorry for my sins. And I feel mad at God for His rules about sexuality. For making us sexual beings and then putting so many limits on it. Pretty much EVERY Christian man has to struggle with this (I'm a female and I know a lot of females struggle too). It just seems cruel to me.

I feel like I am playing Whack-a-Mole. As soon as I think I've got a handle on one issue, another one crops up and drives me mad. And then when I think I've got that one sorted out, another one crops up, and then the first one again and on and on it goes. It never ends. If it were not for hell, I would probably throw in the towel and give up. I would go out and have lesbian sex (the one thing I have always wanted my whole life but have not done out of fear - And yes, I am trying to trust God about that too).

I have been in tears so many times over the last three months, pleading with God to help me, to give me a new heart, to have mercy on me (even though, to be honest, the concept of mercy offends me because I have this mindset that since God allowed us to get into this mess in the first place that He somehow owes it to us to get us out of it).

I keep TRYING to change my thinking, tell myself the truth, etc etc etc. But I am tired. All my efforts over the last three months have pretty much amounted to nothing. I suppose someone will tell me that all I have to do is rest in Christ because God is the only one who can change me. I wish I could just trust Him to sort these things out for me. But it is hard to rest in Christ when all my thoughts and feelings make me afraid that I am not saved.

What's more is that I have no interest in living forever. I would be fine just going out of existence. But that is not an option I can bank on. It bugs me that I have to choose between God/eternal life and Satan/hell. It feels like a nightmare with no way out. I know that God can help me if He wishes to. I just don't know what He expects me to do...

I wish I could see Him and see Christ the way so many Christians do. I wish I could see myself as a hell-deserving sinner the way they do. I wish I was not me. I've tried to humble myself and to trust God about the multitude of things that bug me about Him/reality, but I'm tired. I worry that He may not want to save me. I worry that He does not listen to my prayers and my tears because He only listens to the humble and He only listens to those who are in Christ, and I just don't know if I am.

For a short while back in October I felt like I loved God and loved Jesus and wanted a relationship with them and wanted to follow Christ and I was grateful because I was headed down the wrong path and He scared me out of my wits and did not let me go down that path. Basically gave me another chance. But then ALL these ISSUES started up and they just don't stop.

It is EXTREMELY frustrating when you KNOW that there is only one way to escape hell and you just can't seem to get with the program.

I KNOW that I need to submit to God as God and not judge Him, but this has been EXTREMELY DIFFICULT for me throughout my ENTIRE life. There are things (especially the whole "deck was stacked against people from the beginning and now they are condemned for not doing what they are unable to do" thing) that I just can't get past no matter how I try.

And on top of all this, I believe God has told me -through a book and through people - to STOP obsessing about all this, STOP reading internet articles, posting on forums, debating with myself, etc and just PRAY, but I just keep doing these things. Ugh. Every day I tell myself I'm not going to do this and here I am obsessing on it all again. *sigh*

I'm gonna go pray again... and I expect to end up in tears of frustration again. *sigh*

P.S. You will tell me to meditate on Christ. I've tried that. You will tell me to read the Word more. I've tried that, but will keep trying...

 

[drjean]

It's obvious that you are in turmoil, and this is sad too. I wish for you to be able to stop struggling. There are many verses that say to "believe" and have nothing to do with confession etc. You may be someone who needs to "believe" right now...and nothing else!

God loves you. He will make our heavenly eternal lives wonderful, wiping away all tears...

Stop trying. God tells us to "Be still and know that (HE) IS GOD" . I pray that you can allow God's love to comfort you and give you peace. You have asked for His love, His guidance, you obviously (to me) believe in Christ Jesus.

Perhaps (I know this type of activity works for me) rather than worry or be frustrated or try to figure things out, you can remind yourself of God's promises. Or just one promise that would be most important to you. Can you think of or find any right off the bat? But each time the sadness takes over or the compulsion to worry or try again instead tell God, remind God that HE has promised to take all believers to heaven, through the Gift of His Love, Jesus. That you are relying upon His promise.

You can progress from there once you sense His Presence in your life. Until then, be still.

 

[Take Heart]

*BIG hugs* I know how frustrating it can be. You're definitely not alone in thinking those types of things. I think it's a struggle for many Christians. For me, when I first accepted Jesus into my life, things were great..as in..the fire of the Holy Spirit was evidently lit within me..my perspective and thoughts would change about certain things in my life, I was hungry to know God more through reading His Word (but was initially super lazy + procrastinating on getting started) and it was really difficult overall at first..because I was questioning everything even though that I knew in my heart that Jesus was real and that He died for me. And I know that your current struggle right now. It can be difficult to accept I think because we're not used to people doing nice things in general maybe? Like for me, I just hate accepting gifts. I love their intentions and I totally get that..but to be given a gift for whatever 'legitimate reason' {such as a birthday, etc}, I just have so much trouble with accepting it. Like I can't take their kindness in the form of a physical gift. It's just too much lol. So for me..to think that Christ died for someone like me..with the past that I had..and still forgives me and asks me to be strong in His grace and not feel like I'm not worthy of Him (when I'm truly not)..it's mindblowing..because that kind of love just doesn't happen from other people. Some people have genuinely loved me in an ..'agape' type love..but His love is just.. steadfast, you know? Like it doesn't let up. It's just..all pursuing and unrelenting. He chases you and pulls you in with His love and actually wants you to come back to Him if you mess up or stray or whatever and it's like..what?! really, Jesus? You still actually love me and forgive me if I confess to you my sins and just..want me to come back? Whenever I wrong someone by accident..I feel like..I need to stay away from them, give them some space..and just..kind of hide away from them in guilt and shame. So for Jesus to chase me with His kind of agape love.. and grace and mercy..it's just like..wow.

Anyway, I know you said that people told you to read the Bible more, meditate more..but I really think that taking some time to check this dude out on YouTube will greatly help. His message and the way he delivers it and basically his passion and energy just shows.

And I've pretty much watched this video to death, lol. It's not even funny. I just watch it pretty much every single time I recommend it to someone. So..hopefully, maybe this might strike a chord with you and help you in some way : ) ♥ So for the video, please fast forward it to the time of 52:22. Because before that, they worship. So yeah, start the video at that time-that's when he shares his testimony and a powerful message.

 

[Chance7]

Hello, my name is Chance. Do you know who you sound like...me. Exactly me a few years ago(and sometimes even now). I can tell you that I know how you feel. See, I was in kind of the exact spot you were. The thing is, I didn’t have a “me” to tell me that all this would end out okay or how it was going to go. But I believe I can help you.

First of all, the problem you have is that you are having a hard time trusting God. Now, I’m definitely not going to try to tell you to read God’s word(even though it is Good)because I tried that and it just ended up scaring me. But to be honest, I can tell you that there is a way you can feel better. You need to be honest with God. Sit and clear your entire slant in one big prayer to God about how you honestly feel. I did this many times and I can tell you that God can make you feel better. See, your thinking is blurred by the version of God that(unfortunatelymany, if not all of us, have in our minds. We believe that God is. Othing but this big giant in the sky, waiting for us to slip up so he can throw us in hell. We believe that he is just a rule making taskmaster that can’t let us have fun. We even believe that God is unfair. But we don’t get the whole picture.

Did you know that God bottles our tears? Did you know that God rejoices over us with singing? Did you know that God counts the very hairs on our heads and cares when we lose just one? God loves us, even before we become his children. But once we ask for forgiveness, God is officially with us.

Now, trusting God(even still now for me) is not always easy. Sometimes, like it the case of submitting to him, it can be downright difficult. But, trust me, God knows our hearts and what we want and he wants us to come to him. There is a saying that is in the Bible that helped me enormously. “Draw nigh unto me and I will draw nigh unto you”(roughly translated). That means that even that little part of you that wants to get right with God is enough to bring him straight to you if you just start to try to get closer to him. The best thing you can do is start slowly. A lot of Christians teach “get right with God, NOW! Time is short. You will go to hell. There is no time to mess around. Do it now!” Absolutely one of the most intimidating things you can say. But how much does it really help? Not much, in my mind. In fact, Jesus told us to be kind and try to help our brothers and sisters. Does that sound helpful, or terrifying? Exactly. What Jesus really teaches is that God is ABSOLUTELY not like that. In fact, God DESIRES to save everyone. But the reality is, Adam’s sin made man sinful, not God. When you say that God should be the one saving us, you are Absolutely right. Except for one thing. He already DID. He gave his own son for us to save us. God literally did everything he could possibly do to make it easier for us to Go to Heaven. All we have to do is Trust him and believe. All it takes is faith the size of a mustard seed. The best way to work on trust is to pray to God. Listen to GospeL music, look up how much God loves us, talk to brothers in Christ, and ask God to show you his love.

Now, about all the thoughts your having, guess what? I had them too! Maybe every one you did. In fact, for a while, he’ll was the only thing keeping me here too. I even went into a suicidal depression over it. But guess what, after that, the light was lifted and I saw that it was all the devil. YeP, God doesn’t make us unhappy like this. The devil puts all the evil, depressing, and hurtful thoughts into our heads. The best(and most painful but worth it)thing you can do is ride with the pain and keep trying to keep God’s law. No matter how hard it gets, in the end, it will be worth it. The devil hates us and wants us to give up. That’s what your feeling. Just keep fighting. God rewards perseverance greatly. Always keep persevering in faith and God will be with you. It may not be easy, but God will always be with you and will help you and show you love, in the end. Just keep trying. And know that you can talk to me at any time. Remember, God loves you. God bless you.

 

[blacksheep78]

Hello, my name is Chance. Do you know who you sound like...me. Exactly me a few years ago(and sometimes even now). I can tell you that I know how you feel. See, I was in kind of the exact spot you were. The thing is, I didn’t have a “me” to tell me that all this would end out okay or how it was going to go. But I believe I can help you.

First of all, the problem you have is that you are having a hard time trusting God. Now, I’m definitely not going to try to tell you to read God’s word(even though it is Good)because I tried that and it just ended up scaring me. But to be honest, I can tell you that there is a way you can feel better. You need to be honest with God. Sit and clear your entire slant in one big prayer to God about how you honestly feel. I did this many times and I can tell you that God can make you feel better. See, your thinking is blurred by the version of God that(unfortunatelymany, if not all of us, have in our minds. We believe that God is. Othing but this big giant in the sky, waiting for us to slip up so he can throw us in hell. We believe that he is just a rule making taskmaster that can’t let us have fun. We even believe that God is unfair. But we don’t get the whole picture.

Did you know that God bottles our tears? Did you know that God rejoices over us with singing? Did you know that God counts the very hairs on our heads and cares when we lose just one? God loves us, even before we become his children. But once we ask for forgiveness, God is officially with us.

Now, trusting God(even still now for me) is not always easy. Sometimes, like it the case of submitting to him, it can be downright difficult. But, trust me, God knows our hearts and what we want and he wants us to come to him. There is a saying that is in the Bible that helped me enormously. “Draw nigh unto me and I will draw nigh unto you”(roughly translated). That means that even that little part of you that wants to get right with God is enough to bring him straight to you if you just start to try to get closer to him. The best thing you can do is start slowly. A lot of Christians teach “get right with God, NOW! Time is short. You will go to hell. There is no time to mess around. Do it now!” Absolutely one of the most intimidating things you can say. But how much does it really help? Not much, in my mind. In fact, Jesus told us to be kind and try to help our brothers and sisters. Does that sound helpful, or terrifying? Exactly. What Jesus really teaches is that God is ABSOLUTELY not like that. In fact, God DESIRES to save everyone. But the reality is, Adam’s sin made man sinful, not God. When you say that God should be the one saving us, you are Absolutely right. Except for one thing. He already DID. He gave his own son for us to save us. God literally did everything he could possibly do to make it easier for us to Go to Heaven. All we have to do is Trust him and believe. All it takes is faith the size of a mustard seed. The best way to work on trust is to pray to God. Listen to GospeL music, look up how much God loves us, talk to brothers in Christ, and ask God to show you his love.

Now, about all the thoughts your having, guess what? I had them too! Maybe every one you did. In fact, for a while, he’ll was the only thing keeping me here too. I even went into a suicidal depression over it. But guess what, after that, the light was lifted and I saw that it was all the devil. YeP, God doesn’t make us unhappy like this. The devil puts all the evil, depressing, and hurtful thoughts into our heads. The best(and most painful but worth it)thing you can do is ride with the pain and keep trying to keep God’s law. No matter how hard it gets, in the end, it will be worth it. The devil hates us and wants us to give up. That’s what your feeling. Just keep fighting. God rewards perseverance greatly. Always keep persevering in faith and God will be with you. It may not be easy, but God will always be with you and will help you and show you love, in the end. Just keep trying. And know that you can talk to me at any time. Remember, God loves you. God bless you.

Thank you for giving me hope. And for you others who encouraged me to rest and wait. I am just really confused about something. On the one hand there are those who say to simply believe and rest and trust God to the best of my ability. But then there are those who would say that anyone who believes just to avoid hell is not converted. And the Bible says "Whoever does not love the Lord Jesus Christ, let him be accursed". So I'm SO confused. I've felt my heart/mind growing harder in the past two days. But it's really nothing new. I honestly feel like I want nothing to do with the whole business. I just don't want to go to hell. Don't get me wrong. I'm totally WILLING for God to change me. But it's like I just don't care about any of it. I want to care, but I don't really care. I've worked myself up into a state of caring, but that's just it - I have to work myself up into that state. I feel so scared of getting to some point of no return. And even if God does change my heart and convert me (that is, if I'm not already), then I'm afraid it would be like brainwashing? Because the whole thing makes NO LOGICAL sense to me and just seems AWFUL what with all the punishment and judgment and stuff. I don't know if I'm listening to Satan too much or if I'm just really truly unconverted and possibly in big trouble. I feel like I belong in hell, even if at the same time I cannot truly believe that I DESERVE it.

 

[A_Thinker]

I just feel the need to vent and maybe someone will say something that will help, or at least pray for me. I'm 39, was raised in a Christian home (albeit with an emotionally abusive pastor father) and have always attended church, but never had a relationship with Christ. In the last several months I've been trying to get right because I've been terrified of going to hell. I believe the Bible is true. I believe Christ must be a wonderful Savior because I see other Christians being so in love with Him and living in joy. Every day I struggle with believing Christ died for me and with resting in Him. But the truth is, there are so many things standing in my way.

Probably my biggest problem is not being able to fully submit to God. I try to accept the way He does things but it is SO hard for me. My logical brain fights against a reality that looks SO illogical and awful. I can't stand all the punishment/judgment/hell for people who were born sinners with no choice of their own. And the fact that God made man such that all his descendants would be born corrupted. And the fact that He allows Satan to deceive and blind mankind and then holds man responsible. And the fact that He demands total perfection and anything less than that is sin. And on top of that I cannot feel sorry for my sins. And I feel mad at God for His rules about sexuality. For making us sexual beings and then putting so many limits on it. Pretty much EVERY Christian man has to struggle with this (I'm a female and I know a lot of females struggle too). It just seems cruel to me.

I feel like I am playing Whack-a-Mole. As soon as I think I've got a handle on one issue, another one crops up and drives me mad. And then when I think I've got that one sorted out, another one crops up, and then the first one again and on and on it goes. It never ends. If it were not for hell, I would probably throw in the towel and give up. I would go out and have lesbian sex (the one thing I have always wanted my whole life but have not done out of fear - And yes, I am trying to trust God about that too).

I have been in tears so many times over the last three months, pleading with God to help me, to give me a new heart, to have mercy on me (even though, to be honest, the concept of mercy offends me because I have this mindset that since God allowed us to get into this mess in the first place that He somehow owes it to us to get us out of it).

I keep TRYING to change my thinking, tell myself the truth, etc etc etc. But I am tired. All my efforts over the last three months have pretty much amounted to nothing. I suppose someone will tell me that all I have to do is rest in Christ because God is the only one who can change me. I wish I could just trust Him to sort these things out for me. But it is hard to rest in Christ when all my thoughts and feelings make me afraid that I am not saved.

What's more is that I have no interest in living forever. I would be fine just going out of existence. But that is not an option I can bank on. It bugs me that I have to choose between God/eternal life and Satan/hell. It feels like a nightmare with no way out. I know that God can help me if He wishes to. I just don't know what He expects me to do...

I wish I could see Him and see Christ the way so many Christians do. I wish I could see myself as a hell-deserving sinner the way they do. I wish I was not me. I've tried to humble myself and to trust God about the multitude of things that bug me about Him/reality, but I'm tired. I worry that He may not want to save me. I worry that He does not listen to my prayers and my tears because He only listens to the humble and He only listens to those who are in Christ, and I just don't know if I am.

For a short while back in October I felt like I loved God and loved Jesus and wanted a relationship with them and wanted to follow Christ and I was grateful because I was headed down the wrong path and He scared me out of my wits and did not let me go down that path. Basically gave me another chance. But then ALL these ISSUES started up and they just don't stop.

It is EXTREMELY frustrating when you KNOW that there is only one way to escape hell and you just can't seem to get with the program.

I KNOW that I need to submit to God as God and not judge Him, but this has been EXTREMELY DIFFICULT for me throughout my ENTIRE life. There are things (especially the whole "deck was stacked against people from the beginning and now they are condemned for not doing what they are unable to do" thing) that I just can't get past no matter how I try.

And on top of all this, I believe God has told me -through a book and through people - to STOP obsessing about all this, STOP reading internet articles, posting on forums, debating with myself, etc and just PRAY, but I just keep doing these things. Ugh. Every day I tell myself I'm not going to do this and here I am obsessing on it all again. *sigh*

I'm gonna go pray again... and I expect to end up in tears of frustration again. *sigh*

P.S. You will tell me to meditate on Christ. I've tried that. You will tell me to read the Word more. I've tried that, but will keep trying...

We are not going to know ALL of the answers. Probably, some of the answers we think we know, ... we really don't. But God loves you, ... so much so that He allowed His only Son to die for you.

We just need to believe that God is the basis of ALL that is GOOD in life, and that He desperately wants us to live with Him forever.

My own simple view is this ... God gives us LIFE, and we get to decide what we do with that life, but, hopefully, we will use it to bring GOOD into the world by partnering with Him.

When I have doubts, I just decide that I'm going to stick with promoting the GOOD that God brings, rather than do any other thing. It is worth it.

God knows that we sometimes struggle ... and He is a special source of help for us then.

Psalms 46

1 God is our refuge and strength,
A very present help in trouble.

2 Therefore we will not fear,
Even though the earth be removed,
And though the mountains be carried into the midst of the sea;

3 Though its waters roar and be troubled,
Though the mountains shake with its swelling. Selah
...
7 The Lord of hosts is with us;
The God of Jacob is our refuge. Selah
...
10 Be still, and know that I am God;
I will be exalted among the nations,
I will be exalted in the earth!

11 The Lord of hosts is with us;
The God of Jacob is our refuge. Selah

 

[blacksheep78]

We are not going to know ALL of the answers. Probably, some of the answers we think we know, ... we really don't. But God loves you, ... so much so that He allowed His only Son to die for you.

We just need to believe that God is the basis of ALL that is GOOD is life, and that He desperately wants us to live with Him forever.

My own simple view is this ... God gives us LIFE, and we get to decide what we do with that life, but, hopefully, we will use it to bring GOOD into the world by partnering with Him.

When I have doubts, I just decide that I'm going to stick with promoting the GOOD that God brings, rather than do any other thing. It is worth it.

God knows that we sometimes struggle ... and He is a special source of help for us then.

Psalms 46

1 God is our refuge and strength,
A very present help in trouble.

2 Therefore we will not fear,
Even though the earth be removed,
And though the mountains be carried into the midst of the sea;

3 Though its waters roar and be troubled,
Though the mountains shake with its swelling. Selah
...
7 The Lord of hosts is with us;
The God of Jacob is our refuge. Selah
...
10 Be still, and know that I am God;
I will be exalted among the nations,
I will be exalted in the earth!

11 The Lord of hosts is with us;
The God of Jacob is our refuge. Selah

Yeah, I should try to focus on the positive aspects. Thank you.

 

[A_Thinker]

Because the whole thing makes NO LOGICAL sense to me and just seems AWFUL what with all the punishment and judgment and stuff.

There is no punishment and judgement for those who come to God.

Even so, we will not to able to figure is all out ...

Isaiah 55:8-9 New King James Version (NKJV)

8 “For My thoughts are not your thoughts,
Nor are your ways My ways,” says the Lord.

9 “For as the heavens are higher than the earth,
So are My ways higher than your ways,
And My thoughts higher than your thoughts.

 

[blacksheep78]

There is no punishment and judgement for those who come to God.

Even so, we will not to able to figure is all out ...

Isaiah 55:8-9 New King James Version (NKJV)

8 “For My thoughts are not your thoughts,
Nor are your ways My ways,” says the Lord.

9 “For as the heavens are higher than the earth,
So are My ways higher than your ways,
And My thoughts higher than your thoughts.

I keep trying to pound this one into my brain. Also the one that says "Shall not the judge of all the earth do right?" And the one that says "The Lord has compassion on all that He has made". But it's like I can't STAND the idea of people being punished with horrible punishment - especially people who are not malicious. I try to get past it and it just keeps coming back and driving me nuts and making me dislike God. It's like it makes me sick.

 

[A_Thinker]

But it's like I can't STAND the idea of people being punished with horrible punishment - especially people who are not malicious. I try to get past it and it just keeps coming back and driving me nuts and making me dislike God. It's like it makes me sick.

I am not convinced that this is what God does. I think that we have just projected some of our own vindictiveness back on God.

I truly believe that God will save those He can, ... and let those others go off into oblivion/death ...

2 Peter 3

3 Knowing this first, that there shall come in the last days scoffers, walking after their own lusts,

4 And saying, Where is the promise of his coming? for since the fathers fell asleep, all things continue as they were from the beginning of the creation.
...

8 But, beloved, be not ignorant of this one thing, that one day is with the Lord as a thousand years, and a thousand years as one day.

9 The Lord is not slack concerning his promise, as some men count slackness; but is patient with us, not willing that any should perish, but that all should come to repentance.

 

[blacksheep78]

I am not convinced that this is what God does. I think that we have just projected some of our own vindictiveness back on God.

I truly believe that God will save those He can, ... and let those others go off into oblivion/death ...

I really hope so. I've studied the issue and can't make up my mind which is true. Both seem equally possible.

 

[Chance7]

It’s the devil. He will use anything that he can that applies to our weaknesses in life in order to make us feel like we are not good enough or to make God seem aweful because he hates you. But think of this. Do you remember any of the greatest times in your life when you felt the most love? Did you know that every bit of that comes from God? He loves us that much as to give us the love of each other. Think of the time in your life when you felt the most love and then know this: that was the love of God coming through. It was just a glimpse of how much God loves us. He loves us enough to give us his son. He does care about you.

 

[A_Thinker]

I really hope so. I've studied the issue and can't make up my mind which is true. Both seem equally possible.

Shall not the Lord of the universe do right ? (smile)

Trust He Who gave His only Son for us ...

 

[afishamongmany]

Hello blacksheep - well you had your vent and I'm sure you felt better for it. One hesitates to respond to these kind of posts for fear of just making things worse. However here goes:-
First, it seems obvious that your relationship with, and your view of, your earthly father have effected your relationship with, and view of, God The Father. You need to separate out who is who. God is not your earthly father.
Secondly, you need to take a firm hold of your responsibility for your sins.
Thirdly, from what I read it seems to me that your 'need' is essentially the same that we all have. You need to repent and believe (or believe and repent, it matters not which order). Have you done that? If your answer is, yes but I can't, then understand that it's your 'can't' against God's can. No repentance no salvation. No faith the gift remains untaken. Repentance and belief are not matters of 'trying' either we do or we don't.

always attended church, but never had a relationship with Christ.

I cannot feel sorry for my sins.

I wish I could just trust Him to sort these things out for me. But it is hard to rest in Christ when all my thoughts and feelings make me afraid that I am not saved.

This should be your priority to get to where you know that you are saved. How are we saved? Yep, repentance and faith in Christ's sacrifice for you personally upon that cross. Nothing more nothing less.
The most encouraging thing I read in your post is that you are 'getting tired'. Hopefully you'll eventually run out of strength and just open the door as per Matthew 11:28,29 and Revelations 3:20.
Praying that by his grace and mercy you will come through.
><>

 

[blacksheep78]

Hello blacksheep - well you had your vent and I'm sure you felt better for it. One hesitates to respond to these kind of posts for fear of just making things worse. However here goes:-
First, it seems obvious that your relationship with, and your view of, your earthly father have effected your relationship with, and view of, God The Father. You need to separate out who is who. God is not your earthly father.
Secondly, you need to take a firm hold of your responsibility for your sins.
Thirdly, from what I read it seems to me that your 'need' is essentially the same that we all have. You need to repent and believe (or believe and repent, it matters not which order). Have you done that? If your answer is, yes but I can't, then understand that it's your 'can't' against God's can. No repentance no salvation. No faith the gift remains untaken. Repentance and belief are not matters of 'trying' either we do or we don't. And also... today I committed a certain sin - I think because I was feeling hopeless and also because I really wanted to see if I would feel sorry afterward. But unfortunately I felt nothing. This sucks.



This should be your priority to get to where you know that you are saved. How are we saved? Yep, repentance and faith in Christ's sacrifice for you personally upon that cross. Nothing more nothing less.
The most encouraging thing I read in your post is that you are 'getting tired'. Hopefully you'll eventually run out of strength and just open the door as per Matthew 11:28,29 and Revelations 3:20.
Praying that by his grace and mercy you will come through.
><>

If repentance is turning to Jesus, and being willing to stop sinning (and making efforts to that end), and confessing all sin to God - then I have done that. Where I have trouble is feeling sorry and feeling culpable. The best I can do at this point is to be sorry to God for not being sorry. I want to take responsibility, and I am doing that now I think, but as far as past sins - all I can see are excuses. Lots of them. My dad, my not being regenerated, the strength of temptations, lack of social support, emotional and hormonal issues, demonic strongholds, and on and on. I hate being in this predicament, but I can't get out of it. Because I literally cannot see anything but the excuses for why I did what I did. ALso, today I committed a certain sin - partly because I was feeling hopeless and partly because I wanted to see if I would feel sorry. Unfortunately I felt nothing afterward. This sucks so bad.

 

[A_Thinker]

Hello blacksheep - well you had your vent and I'm sure you felt better for it. One hesitates to respond to these kind of posts for fear of just making things worse. However here goes:-
First, it seems obvious that your relationship with, and your view of, your earthly father have effected your relationship with, and view of, God The Father. You need to separate out who is who. God is not your earthly father.
Secondly, you need to take a firm hold of your responsibility for your sins.
Thirdly, from what I read it seems to me that your 'need' is essentially the same that we all have. You need to repent and believe (or believe and repent, it matters not which order). Have you done that? If your answer is, yes but I can't, then understand that it's your 'can't' against God's can. No repentance no salvation. No faith the gift remains untaken. Repentance and belief are not matters of 'trying' either we do or we don't.



This should be your priority to get to where you know that you are saved. How are we saved? Yep, repentance and faith in Christ's sacrifice for you personally upon that cross. Nothing more nothing less.
The most encouraging thing I read in your post is that you are 'getting tired'. Hopefully you'll eventually run out of strength and just open the door as per Matthew 11:28,29 and Revelations 3:20.
Praying that by his grace and mercy you will come through.
><>

Your scripture references are worth quoting ...

Matthew 11:28 Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.

29 Take my yoke upon you, and learn of Me, for I am meek and lowly in heart, and you shall find rest for your soul.

30 For My yoke is easy ... and My burden is light ...

Revelation 3:20 Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears My voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and dine with him, and he with Me.

 

[blacksheep78]

Let me add some things. I have spent my entire life feeling not right with God/Jesus. Somehow I learned to resist Him and this resistance has never gone away. In my heart I resisted my father over and over. His anger and discipline never broke me. I resisted also because I went to Christian schools/college and never felt like I fit in with the other kids. And I think the more I went to church and felt like I didn't really belong there, the more hardened I became, and the more I came to accept myself as an outsider. I have had a lot of suicidal thoughts - mostly due to my same sex attraction/obsession that I had for most of my life. I have been through very dark periods in my life, where I just felt dark and hopeless. I watched other people loving Jesus and celebrating Him and I think I ended up with a bad taste in my mouth because I could not relate. Throughout my teen and young adult years I felt miserable. This improved with hormonal medication and anti-depressants, but not enough. It can't fix spiritual problems. I don't know... I just have such a resistance in me. And I get to the verge of total repentance and owning my sin, and it's like I just can't get over that hump because I just can't feel it, and my brain kicks in and tells me it's not logical and I'm not at fault. I don't know what to do. I want true repentance so bad but I can't get it. I thought I had it a few months ago, and maybe I did. I was crying and all. But now I think it was more a sorrow over how my sin messed up my own soul rather than over offending God.

 

[Handmaid for Jesus]

I just feel the need to vent and maybe someone will say something that will help, or at least pray for me. I'm 39, was raised in a Christian home (albeit with an emotionally abusive pastor father) and have always attended church, but never had a relationship with Christ. In the last several months I've been trying to get right because I've been terrified of going to hell. I believe the Bible is true. I believe Christ must be a wonderful Savior because I see other Christians being so in love with Him and living in joy. Every day I struggle with believing Christ died for me and with resting in Him. But the truth is, there are so many things standing in my way.

IMHO you need to do a little self talking.I think this will help you over your rut. You said you believe the Bible is true. It is. But you have allowed doubt get between you and the Word.Since you believe the Bible is true, make it your plumb line for all truth. When you come upon a promise, ask yourself "Do I believe this?" Now, these verses, read out loud.
Romans 10:8 But what saith it? The word is nigh thee, even in thy mouth, and in thy heart: that is, the word of faith, which we preach;

9 That if thou shalt confess with thy mouth the Lord Jesus, and shalt believe in thine heart that God hath raised him from the dead, thou shalt be saved.

10 For with the heart man believeth unto righteousness; and with the mouth confession is made unto salvation.

11 For the scripture saith, Whosoever believeth on him shall not be ashamed.

Now confess out loud you believe verse 9, and pray asking Lord Jesus to reveal Himself to you. He will do it. He does not mind your asking questions of Him. He wants a relationship with you more than you want one with Him. The people saying rest are right. Rest at His feet.It is He that saves, not you, and definitely not any of us. Cast your beautiful OP upon Him, for He cares for you.
1Peter 5:6 Humble yourselves therefore under the mighty hand of God, that he may exalt you in due time:

7 Casting all your care upon him; for he careth for you.

 

[blacksheep78]

IMHO you need to do a little self talking.I think this will help you over your rut. You said you believe the Bible is true. It is. But you have allowed doubt get between you and the Word.Since you believe the Bible is true, make it your plumb line for all truth. When you come upon a promise, ask yourself "Do I believe this?" Now, these verses, read out loud.
Romans 10:8 But what saith it? The word is nigh thee, even in thy mouth, and in thy heart: that is, the word of faith, which we preach;

9 That if thou shalt confess with thy mouth the Lord Jesus, and shalt believe in thine heart that God hath raised him from the dead, thou shalt be saved.

10 For with the heart man believeth unto righteousness; and with the mouth confession is made unto salvation.

11 For the scripture saith, Whosoever believeth on him shall not be ashamed.

Now confess out loud you believe verse 9, and pray asking Lord Jesus to reveal Himself to you. He will do it. He does not mind your asking questions of Him. He wants a relationship with you more than you want one with Him. The people saying rest are right. Rest at His feet.It is He that saves, not you, and definitely not any of us. Cast your beautiful OP upon Him, for He cares for you.
1Peter 5:6 Humble yourselves therefore under the mighty hand of God, that he may exalt you in due time:

7 Casting all your care upon him; for he careth for you.

Ok. Thank you. I am wondering if I have some OCD. All my life, if something is bugging me, and people give me an answer, I keep finding reasons why the answer might not be right, or I keep obsessing on another more negative answer that I've heard and insisting that this more negative one is probably right. I always find a problem. For instance a lot of people say that true initial repentance is turning from my own effort to be saved and fully relying on and resting in Christ. But then others say, no, you have to agree with God that you are a hell-deserving sinner and be truly sorry for your sins. Then the first group says, no, that would be a work for salvation. But I tend to obsess on what the second group said just in case they are right. See what I mean?

 

[DW_in_AR]

I believe Christ must be a wonderful Savior because I see other Christians being so in love with Him and living in joy.

You can find adherents of other religions in love with their messianic figures, living in joy. Meanwhile, you can find Christians who are miserable, really bearing their crosses. Enthusiasm and happiness are not measures of a religion's validity. Likewise, one's own lack of enthusiasm or happiness do not count against one's faith.

Probably my biggest problem is not being able to fully submit to God. I try to accept the way He does things but it is SO hard for me.

Do you know the way he does things? Because I don't. "My thoughts are not your thoughts, nor are your ways my ways." Where did you get your idea of how God does things? Is it possible this idea is incomplete, or even wrong?

If it were not for hell, I would probably throw in the towel and give up.

We can't "throw in the towel" because we aren't even in the ring with hell; Christ was, and he won. All he asked us to do is follow his commandments. And he is even generous enough to forgive us when we don't.

Christianity isn't a set of arbitrary rules that you have to fulfill or you go to hell. In fact, a lot of us don't really think about hell or believe the fire-and-brimstone version even exists. Christian morality is the natural law written into our hearts to promote a just and healthy society. By conforming ourselves with God's logos--the ultimate source of being--we bring the kingdom of God into our midst. We avoid hell (whatever it is) not through our own merits, but by the gift of God, who took on our nature and defeated death.

I have this mindset that since God allowed us to get into this mess in the first place that He somehow owes it to us to get us out of it).

He did. That's the central tenet of Christianity. We know the difference between good and evil, and we bear the fruit of our moral choices, but God has nevertheless united his nature with ours, and is drawing us to him.

P.S. You will tell me to meditate on Christ. I've tried that. You will tell me to read the Word more. I've tried that, but will keep trying...

I would never tell anyone to meditate. But other than the Word, what have you been reading? Books on theology, catechisms, confessions, early Christian writings?