Fear of people's reactions

[Jenster]

I know there are scriptures that teach us not to fear ("For God did not give you a spirit of fear but of power, love and self-control"; "Fear not, for I am with you.").

But lately, I've been struggling in this area. I have been feeling more fearful and uncomfortable around people. I am a manager, which I'm not sure really suits my gentle personality. I've been a manager for about 4 years. I find I hate having to talk to people when they're doing something wrong and having to follow up when they're STILL not doing their job. I hate NOTICING that they're not doing their jobs.

Although I'm very observant about people, I find negotiating the waters of interpersonal interactions difficult and unnerving. I find myself getting emotionally caught up -- thinking about what the other person must be thinking, what they may be saying behind my back, etc.

Do I simply need to turn to the Lord with my fear and ask Him to take it away? Should I quit management? Do I have some emotionally "immature" area in my personality that I need to work on?

I am unable to see clearly in this situation. Thank you in advance for your help and understanding.

 

[raekae]

Yes, its true the bible tells us not to fear. But, if we're all honest with ourselves, we all fear something. I personally fear being alone... not alone as in without a companion, but alone as in by myself. It makes my job difficult because I work nights, and I'm the only one awake...

What I have to do is pray. A lot. I pray before I head to work. Listen to worship/praise music on the way in to remind myself I'm in the presence of the Lord. Pray when I'm here, listen to worship/praise music throughout the night. Read my bible if I can. Ect... Its really helped. Some nights are worse than others, but for the most part, if I pray and remind myself that all things are possible thru Christ, I can get thru the shift.

Have you taken personality tests before? It sounds like I'm better suited for your kind of job and you're better suited for mine! Haha! I did management for 6 years. I found it easy because I had no problem telling people how it was, confronting, ect... but, thats also in my personality. I'd suggest taking some personality tests, maybe a career/life planning class at your local college and see what else is better suited for you. But, until you settle on a career/job, just pray and stay in the Lord. He'll help you

 

[TheDag]

Hi Jenster
There is nothing in your post that you can not change. You may not be good at telling people off but you can improve. There are management courses available that help teach skills like influencing people. Here is one link Influence Skills - Course 294 but there are others as well.

It is very hard not knowing your work situation and who you work with. Older people tend to be used to old school management which is they do as they are told and thats that right down to younger people where usually the best approach is to help them realise how doing what you want will help achieve their goals. Sometimes you need to figure out what motivates them. It also depends on what authority you have in discipline. In one place I worked the managers could speak to staff but anything official and it had to be done at head office. Other jobs the manager could give you the sack.


At the end of the day you won't get everyone to like you (at work you are not there to be liked). You have a job to do and you need to change to do it properly. It can be tough. I felt absolutely rotten when a person got the sack because of a report I made but at the end of the day it was still that persons choice and they knew it was part of my responsibilities. I hope you can work out a way to manage this fear. I say manage because the way you feel says good things about you.

If in the end you can't manage it then yes looking for another job is probably needed.

 

[MyRightEye]

Do I simply need to turn to the Lord with my fear and ask Him to take it away? Should I quit management? Do I have some emotionally "immature" area in my personality that I need to work on?

When it gets easy, then you should quit management. There is a reason that management pays more . .. it is hard. It is hard for exactly the resons that you talk about. If it gets easy, it is because you have become insensitive or your heart has been hardened. I think you'll find that if you embrace the hard parts of management & think of it as that dull ache that sometimes comes with love . .. you'll be a better manager. Your employees will thrive and your superiors will see your sphere of influence in a positive way. Leading with compassion is a rare gift, but it is incredibly powerful. When you see a struggling employee, find out what they need to do their job better and get it for them. Sometimes it can be something as little as getting out the carrot and putting away the stick, or giving them a little influence over process and allowing them to do the job in a way that is more efficient for them. A manager is like a cheerleader and team captain and coach wrapped up in one for a sports team, if all you do is bench players that aren't doing well or yell at them while they're in the penalty box . . . the team will likely lose. If you are involved in what is going on in the game, moving players to suit their strengths, encouraging, team building, focused on the win & yes . .. acknowledging mistakes and using discipline when essential, the team will flourish.

Management is really exciting and fun, but there is an element to it that is emmotionally draining and a challenge, learning to enjoy the process, advance your team and keep your compassion are the mark of great leadership.

 

[Mr Sinclair]

Hi jenster
This is a very complicated question to answer.
Because there are many answers.
Do this
a.Read the bible,b. ask in the name of christ to be not afraid.
c.Ask for the holy spirit to guide u through this.

I was in the same exact situation as yours.
But to demolish your fears, u must know where your fears are coming from.
And when u know your fears,so why u fear being arround people.
U know which words in the bible will speak to u.

 

[znr]

Do you like your job?

 

[Hotpepper]

I know there are scriptures that teach us not to fear ("For God did not give you a spirit of fear but of power, love and self-control"; "Fear not, for I am with you.").

"...for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me." (2 Corinthians 12:9)

Notice above what the power is, that is given to you; it is not a spirit of fear but of weakness...

You sound like a good manager to me, just because you are uncomfortable with the higher position. One who loves to have dominance over others and rules without emotion are the ones that this "world" consider good leaders/managers, but we are not a part of this world. For instance, you say you have a "gentle personality", didn't Jesus have a gentle personality? You say that you "hate having to talk to people when they're doing something wrong". Isn't God also grieved when people do wrong? You say that you are always "thinking about what the other person must be thinking" Is this not compassion? I think that what you might consider an "emotionally immature area in your personality" or a weakness, is what makes you strong as a leader or manager.

Do I simply need to turn to the Lord with my fear and ask Him to take it away?

Apostle Paul asked the same exact thing that you are asking... to take it away: "Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. " (2 Corinthians 12:8-10)

All throughout the Scriptures those that were made strong originally doubted themselves and were uncomfortable with the high position they were put in, even Moses himself became a great leader because he put his trust in God when he doubted his own ability to speak. Keep these things in mind and remember to "be not weary in well doing." (2 Thessalonians 3:13) Keep your eyes fixed on Jesus and you will never fail, because "love never fails." (1 Corinthians 13:8)

God bless,

-Pepper

 

[Jenster]

Thank you all very, very much for taking the time to share your thoughts, wisdom and Scripture with me. You are a blessing!

I've been reading scripture. One thing I noticed right away is that I have misplaced my fear. In the Bible, everyone fears the LORD. But somehow, I lost that fear of the Lord and started fearing man. This is completely backwards! And I am clearly paying the price for it. I've never in my life felt so prone to anxiety.

Pepper, MyRightEye, I am touched by your support and encouragement of me as a manager. I never thought that maybe my struggle could be a good sign! To answer BrendaRose, there are some parts of my job that I enjoy, particularly when I am helping a staff member do a good job and guiding him/her. Then there are parts that I don't like, such as when an employee is slacking off, and ESPECIALLY when people don't behave professionally or they lie (and I either have to ignore it or am forced to do something about it).

I've always felt more comfortable in the role of worker rather than manager -- though there are challenges with both jobs, of course.

I think the Lord has also shown me something I need to look at in my life, which is that I may indeed pay too MUCH attention to what others are doing and saying. As a manager I need to be aware of what's going on, of course, but as a *person* (with only so much time, energy, etc., and also with a personal life outside of work) I need to make sure I'm not overextending myself. Put another way, I need to protect myself against making work so important that I am carrying home problems and neglecting my spiritual, emotional and physical health.

Thank you again for helping me. God bless you!

 

[EyesOnZion]

I know I'm a little late to this thread, but "Fear of Man" issues are a huge factor for a lot of people. The best book I've ever come across in dealing with this is "When God is small and People are Big" by Ed Welch. It's a great book. It's not a tough read, but it's challenging to the way we see ourselves and the world around us.

If you're serious about confronting your own issues of fearing people over God, I definitely recommend it.

 

[Jenster]

Thank you, EyesOnZion. I just looked at some of the reviews on Christianbooks.com. The book exactly addresses what I think the Lord's showing me. I'm glad you recommended it!

 

[goldenviolet]

hi! i'm a late scraggler. i couldn't help noticing that in your posts you are well spoken; and that i can plainly see how generous and genuine you are. i think managment skills are alot like parenting. we constantly have our radars up. parents get what i call "mommy or daddy" syndrome. where the kids are driving you nuts and you need a break and some cooperation. managers are trying to get everyone to focus on their own job and tasks. people get lazy, cut corners, say and do stupid things. etc. ...
managers have to motivate, be kind, be firm, be tricky. yes tricky. i'd suggest to you that all you need is knowledge and a good breath of fresh air (a small vacation maybe?)... i'm betting that you obsorb and learn quite quickly. and like the posters above are suggesting, is that you need some good resources. books like "who moved the cheese" ... siminars on dealing with difficult people etc. a refresher and support on what you know is very empowering. you'll pick up handy tidbits on your own. you strike me as someone to can be sensitive, but firm. blessings! xo dee

 

[Johnnz]

Caring people often dislike confrontation and giving admonition. They are much happier giving praise and encouragement. I am like that by nature. But I have developed as a person to manage conflict and confrontation over the years on the basis that to be a peacemaker is to fulfil a biblical model. Even in 'negative' situations we can respond with more grace than other people. That path entailed a personal journey of growth and challenge over quite a period of time. But very worthwhile.

John
NZ

 

[CuddlyBear]

You sound a lot like me. I've managed, through training, to learn to let other people "own" their own reactions. It is simply not possible to please everyone. As long as you are fair and notice the good things, do your job and accept that if people react negatively, it's not about who you are as a person. I still hate it when people are upset with me but can deal with it and keep it in it's place. Maybe you could do a course about conflict management?

 

[Jenster]

hi! i'm a late scraggler. i couldn't help noticing that in your posts you are well spoken; and that i can plainly see how generous and genuine you are.

Aw, shucks... I sure appreciate the kind words!

i think managment skills are alot like parenting. we constantly have our radars up. parents get what i call "mommy or daddy" syndrome. where the kids are driving you nuts and you need a break and some cooperation. managers are trying to get everyone to focus on their own job and tasks. people get lazy, cut corners, say and do stupid things. etc. ...
managers have to motivate, be kind, be firm, be tricky. yes tricky. i'd suggest to you that all you need is knowledge and a good breath of fresh air (a small vacation maybe?)... i'm betting that you obsorb and learn quite quickly. and like the posters above are suggesting, is that you need some good resources. books like "who moved the cheese" ... siminars on dealing with difficult people etc. a refresher and support on what you know is very empowering. you'll pick up handy tidbits on your own. you strike me as someone to can be sensitive, but firm. blessings! xo dee

I've heard others recommend "Who moved the cheese" but I've never read it. Guess I'm going to head to the library or bookstore!

You are right about the "parenting" aspect. I sometimes don't have a vision for who I can be as a manager (parent) and only see the "enforcement" responsibilities of my job. You remind me that all these skills are for the betterment of the staff -- just like parents do things for the betterment of their kids.

But I have developed as a person to manage conflict and confrontation over the years on the basis that to be a peacemaker is to fulfil a biblical model. Even in 'negative' situations we can respond with more grace than other people. That path entailed a personal journey of growth and challenge over quite a period of time. But very worthwhile.

Hi John. I'm glad to hear you say, from a point further down the road than I am at, that being a peacemaker and showing grace is worthwhile. That is very encouraging!

As long as you are fair and notice the good things, do your job and accept that if people react negatively, it's not about who you are as a person. I still hate it when people are upset with me but can deal with it and keep it in it's place.

I appreciate your understanding. It does sound like you have been in a similar place as I am! You are right -- I need to remember what is required: being fair, complimenting good work. I need not hold sky-high expectations for myself. I need to do what will please God, not man.

It has been a challenge this week, but I am trying to have God-confidence (rather than self-confidence or lack-of-confidence), knowing that it is HE that I fear, not man. I was getting down today due to one co-worker who has problems with me, but then I remembered that I fear the LORD and follow HIS ways, and it calmed me down.

Thank you all so much for your wisdom and caring advice.

 

[Oddish]

If those people are not doing their jobs properly, and continue not making any improvements after you have confronted them, then you have every right to warn them. They may dislike you for it but it is your job and they should respect that. I wouldn't worry

 

[Jenster]

A good reminder, Eyre. I'll try not to worry!

I need to learn how to cope when my feelings get hurt. Sometimes people will genuinely forget to do something, and that's OK. But there are other times I feel one co-worker in particular is being passive aggressive and testing me by "forgetting" over and over. She's an older worker (not too old, 50s), and I think she has a much higher opinion of herself, but it doesn't match reality. I try to treat her fairly, but her behavior is hurtful sometimes. She says things that are a slightly condescending or she won't try very hard. I think she resents or feels hurt that I don't fall over myself with admiration for her, but she doesn't earn it, so I don't.

 

[goldenviolet]

 

[CFDavid]

God can truly use your gentleness.

Being a manager isn't about telling people off or riding herd -- or, at least, being a good manager isn't. Being a good manager is treating employees the way you want them to treat the customers. Set the tone for a good environment.

If correction is needed, refer to Biblical passages about such things even if your employee isn't Christian. It doesn't matter.

An honest answer is like a kiss on the lips.

Speak thetruth in love.

Go to your employee once, quietly, for correction. if the problem persists, bring another along, etc. It might be a great opportunity to groom another employee -- a peer of the person with a problem -- by asking that peer to model correct behavior or form.

God uses our "weakness," but in this case, your perceived weakness (not being a hard nose) is possibly a strength. You can be firm and be a great mentor without being an unfeeling drill sergeant.

I remember there was a man I supervised who started a bad habit of being late. It was always, "My alarm didn't go off" or "My girlfriend didn't wake me up." I took him aside a couple of times and told him he needed to take responsibility and get to work on time. The third time I took him aside, I said, "I get the feeling that you think that since I'm not yelling, this isn't serious. It is serious." He acknowledged that I was correct, and he'd try harder.

He made a change which didn't last long. I'd already mentioned his situation to management and now went to them again and said it just wasn't working out. They let him go.

I called him later to see how he was doing and as we talked it out, I told him that I had, finally, made the recommendation to let him go. He didn't have much to say after that, because he knew there was a history of tardiness.

As a manager who is a Christian, you've got a lot of responsibility -- to God, to your emploters, to your staff, to the customers, and maybe to a family. You have to do the best on all those fronts before God and realize that you have to allow patiently allow people the freedom to fail just as God does, and know that they are in His hands in a way they simply can't be in yours. Their souls are His, and the best thing you can do is do your best before God, be obedient to God, and let the chips fall where they may. As soon as you try to control things -- people's opinion of you or people's opinion of God, for that matter -- you're pretty much applying for God's job. Not only is that position already filled, but finding out that you didn't get the job is usually on the business end of some lesson in humility you'll probably wish you'd learned already.