Fear of Commitment

[thmsred]

Does anyone here ever have problems with commitment? I definetly have a commitment problem and I'm unsure what to do about it. I've been dating my girlfriend for almost a year and a half. I love her but for some reason when I think about getting married I feel very anxious by the thought of it. She would be fine with buying a house and settling down. I feel a sense of wanderlust and desire to travel and explore and I'm not sure I'm ready for the responsiblity of marriage.

I've been working as an automechanic for a couple of years but I'm tired of it and I want to try something else. I'm thinking about going into business for myself though I'm not sure what type of business. These thoughts really bother me when I think about marriage. Is it a good idea to just get bit the bullet so to speak and just get married despite the commitment phobia? Will it get better after I'm married? Has anyone gone through this before? What was it like for you?

 

[Johnnz]

This is not uncommon. "The rest of your life" is a long time. Marriage is a big decision. Much cannot be predicetd or known in advance, which is why we can get a bit anxious.

If you believe that God is in te hrelationship, then you will need to affirm that.

John
NZ

 

[Counsil]

There's prebably another issue at work here, either fear that drives this fear of commitment or a past experiance. I don't think this is a phobia, to say an irrational fear, but instead in intense reaction to a deeper seeded problem. I may be way off , I'm not yet a professional psychoanalist, buy why does commitment scare you?
Are you experiancing mourning for the loss of potential experiance, a fear of being trapped perhaps, or doubt about the future. Why do you doubt that you could be responsable? Marriage is a huge thing, and if you "bite the bullet" without resolving this it will likly make it even more complicated.
Most importantly, besides brining the problem before God and begging his wisdom and guidance on the matter, is talk to your partner. She should be able to help you work through this issue. It may just be cold feet, but you shouldn't ignore it.

 

[~Beauty_from_Pain~]

I don't know. I want to know this for myself as well. As much as I want to get married...very much so...thinking of it sometimes just scares me to death. My parents marriage didn't work out and I think that I am afraid of being in the wrong relationship and having a misreable life.

 

[Mskedi]

I feel a sense of wanderlust and desire to travel and explore and I'm not sure I'm ready for the responsiblity of marriage.

This line, I think, holds the crux of it. Some people (many?) believe that their independence dies with marriage. I think it's important to only marry somebody that wouldn't let that happen.

I love to travel, and there is something freeing about being single and traveling -- so much so that I feared getting into a committed relationship because that travel might have ended. The fact is, I've traveled more and to more exotic places than I ever have post-relationship. I know this will continue when I marry.

Also, we support each other in our career pursuits. I want to go back to college for my Masters, and that will be a strain on our relationship (especially since we'll likely get married before I'm done), but he supports me completely in it. He wants to own a business, and I want to help him.

The fear is normal. There is a big commitment involved, but you need to look at your relationship and see whether or not she is someone who would want you to change or hold yourself back for her.

 

[thmsred]

There's prebably another issue at work here, either fear that drives this fear of commitment or a past experiance. I don't think this is a phobia, to say an irrational fear, but instead in intense reaction to a deeper seeded problem. I may be way off , I'm not yet a professional psychoanalist, buy why does commitment scare you?
Are you experiancing mourning for the loss of potential experiance, a fear of being trapped perhaps, or doubt about the future. Why do you doubt that you could be responsable? Marriage is a huge thing, and if you "bite the bullet" without resolving this it will likly make it even more complicated.
Most importantly, besides brining the problem before God and begging his wisdom and guidance on the matter, is talk to your partner. She should be able to help you work through this issue. It may just be cold feet, but you shouldn't ignore it.

It is difficult to say exactly wear my fear of commitment stems from. There's no single reason. To an extent loss of a potential experience seems to fit in. I would love to travel around living here and there for a while, work overseas, ect. Things that I can't see as being practical in a marriage so I would be giving up this desire so to speak in order to get married. The reason I have doubts about being responsible is because I don't feel I have a firm income. I would like to try some other type of work out, and own a business. This is a big risk and I feel a little uncomfortable with the idea of being married without having a steady income.

 

[thmsred]

This line, I think, holds the crux of it. Some people (many?) believe that their independence dies with marriage. I think it's important to only marry somebody that wouldn't let that happen.

I love to travel, and there is something freeing about being single and traveling -- so much so that I feared getting into a committed relationship because that travel might have ended. The fact is, I've traveled more and to more exotic places than I ever have post-relationship. I know this will continue when I marry.

Also, we support each other in our career pursuits. I want to go back to college for my Masters, and that will be a strain on our relationship (especially since we'll likely get married before I'm done), but he supports me completely in it. He wants to own a business, and I want to help him.

The fear is normal. There is a big commitment involved, but you need to look at your relationship and see whether or not she is someone who would want you to change or hold yourself back for her.

Thanks for the advice. We are a bit different on a lot of issues. She doesn't like to travel that much. It does seem to me (partially) that you do lose some independence when you marry as you must give up some of your own dreams and goals to compromise with a person that doesn't share those same goals and visa versa. I'm not saying this is a bad thing necessarily but a healthy marriage needs compromise and I think this may be where some of my fear of commitment stems from.

 

[~Nikki~]

Thanks for the advice. We are a bit different on a lot of issues. She doesn't like to travel that much. It does seem to me (partially) that you do lose some independence when you marry as you must give up some of your own dreams and goals to compromise with a person that doesn't share those same goals and visa versa. I'm not saying this is a bad thing necessarily but a healthy marriage needs compromise and I think this may be where some of my fear of commitment stems from.

I just asked my husband what he thought about this...and I guess you lose independence in a way, but if you have someone who shares your goals and dreams then it's not really a *loss* but more a lifelong partnership with someone who will walk with you and share your goals and dreams.

My husband just said that he's definitely achieved more of his goals and dreams *since* he's been married to me than he ever would have done without me. He reckons he wouldn't have got half as far as he is now had he not married me. We both have that wanderlust, and in the two years we've been married we've travelled to loads of places as well as moved country once, and will probably move country again in the relatively foreseeable future. Since we've been married he's left his job and started up his own business which is going really well and is looking at starting one or two more things over the next six months. He bounces all his ideas off me and together we talk them through and decide what will work and what won't, or what needs modifying in order to make it work, and then we work together to achieve them. So he still gets to pursue his goals...it's just that he now has someone to pursue them with, and someone who loves and supports him. I love him, and so now his goals are my goals too because I want him to be fulfilled and happy.

It works the other way around too. My goals are his goals, and anything I want to achieve we also work on.

Sure marriage can be a big adjustment, but if you find the right person and are both determined to support each other, then it's worth it and there'll be no regrets.

 

[Johnnz]

I don't know. I want to know this for myself as well. As much as I want to get married...very much so...thinking of it sometimes just scares me to death. My parents marriage didn't work out and I think that I am afraid of being in the wrong relationship and having a misreable life.

I have a good friend just like you. He never married, although he wanted to and met some lovely women who would have married him. It's probably important to affirm that you are not your parents. You are living your own life, and with God's help, you will trust Him for your future.

John
NZ

 

[Counsil]

My husband just said that he's definitely achieved more of his goals and dreams *since* he's been married to me than he ever would have done without me. He reckons he wouldn't have got half as far as he is now had he not married me.

It sounds like you have they type of marraige that make you both more fruitful. Thats the mark to aim for.

My girl friend and i don't really share hobbies, but she respects and supports them even tough she doesn't think of them as "fun". Being married may be similar for you. You may loose some freedoms, the ability to go where you want when you want, but you do not need to set asside your passion. Best case senario, she see how passionate you are about the subject and give traveling a try herself. If not she'll probably support you going off on "adventures" from time to time. They may not be as long or as often as you are used to, but you'll have a loving wife to come home too.

 

[missygirlc]

Don't feel bad. This happens to females also. I have had 4 guys tell me that they love me and from there the relationship was short lived. The 4 lettered word scares me and have hurt 4 guys who were brave enough to say it to me. I understand. I am also seeking help about this. Pray for me...I'm praying for you also.

 

[charligirl]

I highly recommend the book 'The 'YES' anxiety' by M Blaine Smith

 

[thmsred]

I just asked my husband what he thought about this...and I guess you lose independence in a way, but if you have someone who shares your goals and dreams then it's not really a *loss* but more a lifelong partnership with someone who will walk with you and share your goals and dreams.

My husband just said that he's definitely achieved more of his goals and dreams *since* he's been married to me than he ever would have done without me. He reckons he wouldn't have got half as far as he is now had he not married me. We both have that wanderlust, and in the two years we've been married we've travelled to loads of places as well as moved country once, and will probably move country again in the relatively foreseeable future. Since we've been married he's left his job and started up his own business which is going really well and is looking at starting one or two more things over the next six months. He bounces all his ideas off me and together we talk them through and decide what will work and what won't, or what needs modifying in order to make it work, and then we work together to achieve them. So he still gets to pursue his goals...it's just that he now has someone to pursue them with, and someone who loves and supports him. I love him, and so now his goals are my goals too because I want him to be fulfilled and happy.

It works the other way around too. My goals are his goals, and anything I want to achieve we also work on.

Sure marriage can be a big adjustment, but if you find the right person and are both determined to support each other, then it's worth it and there'll be no regrets.

It sounds like you have a very good marriage. Supporting each other, building each other up I imagine would be helpful. I like how you talk about each others goals as being "our" goals rather than his and hers goals. That's good advice, thank you

 

[thmsred]

Don't feel bad. This happens to females also. I have had 4 guys tell me that they love me and from there the relationship was short lived. The 4 lettered word scares me and have hurt 4 guys who were brave enough to say it to me. I understand. I am also seeking help about this. Pray for me...I'm praying for you also.

Thank you for your prayers. I can understand what your going through. I'll be praying for you.

 

[thmsred]

I highly recommend the book 'The 'YES' anxiety' by M Blaine Smith

Thanks for the suggestion, I'll check that book out.

 

[charligirl]

Thanks for the suggestion, I'll check that book out.

I had issues with committment when it came to the crunch. I came across this book and another by the same author called 'Should I get Married?' M Blaine Smith is a christian and I would say the second one is a must read for any christian seeking a spouse or thinking about marriage.

I read them both and said 'Yes' My anxiety and fears stayed at the door of the church as I walked down the aisle.