Fear For the Future

[Dudeboy]

Hey all, I'm new to this forum. I was searching for a Christian marriage forum to post on, and I came across this one.

So me and my wife are recently married, as of one year. Literally the first date we went on, she started having medical issues. These medical issues progressed, and she has been recently diagnosed with a form of Arthritis. Well, during this period of time we got engaged and eventually married. I've been with her through all of this stuff, and I've done nothing but try to help her through it all. I love her dearly.

Now I knew before we were dating for long that I was a neat and orderly clean freak, and she was just the opposite. Also, I prioritize things that she doesn't, and she prioritizes things that I don't, and weirdly we compliment each other in this way a lot. But it also has it's downfalls. I always feel like I'm the only one cleaning the house or preparing meals and such, and when I try to respectfully talk to her about it, she gets kind of depressed and starts saying that she is useless and a horrible wife. After that gets immediately refuted and I clarify what I mean, she eventually perks up again, but nothing changes. There are probably better ways to go about this, and I am trying my best, but this is only the tip of the iceberg.

See, I'm going away for about 5 months for a job related mandatory training, and my job will require this a lot. We both want to start a family and we both are on the same track as she wants to be a stay at home mom. But this is where I start getting afraid. With her condition, it hurts to do things that she used to love to do, like running and martial arts for example, but there are still a lot of things she can do, like yoga and swimming for example. But she absolutely refuses to do these things. Even simple things like taking certain herbal remedies and natural supplements that I've done all the research for, explained to her why and how it could help her out, once we get them all and I help her get a schedule worked out for taking them, she still refuses to take them. No matter what I do to help her out and to help her get better, she refuses and says she would rather just sleep and sit on her phone. She literally says she would rather sleep. I feel like I'm not only trying everything I can do to help her and trying everything I can do to be a better husband and love her more, she still refuses to help herself at all because it's not convenient. Neither is Arthritis. See, from what I see, if she can't even get up and do basic household chores or even take 2 minutes out of the day to help herself with these possible aids we've found, (or lets say 30 minutes to go swimming or do yoga) how can I trust her to raise our children or run the house while I'm the breadwinner? I feel absolutely horrible thinking this way.

I think this is all being spurred from a of an old friend of my family, who she doesn't know. We'll call him Mr R, and he got married to a beautiful woman, Mrs R, when they were young. But her knees started hurting. Because her knees started hurting, she stopped being active and it got to the point where she just stopped standing up. Mrs R ended up putting on a lot of weight, like I mean a lot of weight. They had a kid and homeschooled their kid, but she couldn't play with her daughter or even really raise her that well. It got to the point where Mr R stopped allowing people to come to his house because it was such a mess, as she wouldn't clean anything ever, and he was feeling very overwhelmed because when he would come home from work he would have to do everything at home in order to take care of his wife and daughter. When it progressed, Mrs R got to the point where she couldn't even stand up and walk to get the mail, as she had gained so much weight; which is currently progressing into other major health concerns for Mrs R. This all started from her being too lazy to try to help herself and work on her own health. I am afraid that I will end up Mr R. And although the daughter is doing OK now and moved out and such, I don't want that life for my future kids.

I'm afraid that I will come home from work one day and realize that I tried my best to be the best husband and man and father that I can be, but that I'll see the garden still overgrown. I'm afraid that I will have to support my family, as well as raise my kids and my adult wife. I'm afraid that my wife's health will continue to get worse as she doesn't even try to help herself, or therefore me. I'm afraid that I'll end up a middle aged man with a disabled wife from her own choosing, and although I'd be bitter and sad about that, I'd still have to take care of her in a way that doesn't show bitterness. I'm afraid that my kids will end up not getting raised well. I'm also afraid that I'll come home from work and have to swim through the messy house just to find my undisciplined children running around, and my wife on the couch and her phone. I'm afraid that she'll continue to get worse and eventually won't even be able to swim or do yoga. I'm afraid that my wife will develop so much more health issues and be miserable. I'm afraid that I'll regret my life. Heaven forbid, but those are my fears based on how this is going so far.

How do I talk to my wife about this without berating her or starting a downward spiral of depression? How do I tell my wife my fears in a respectful and mature and loving way? Even if I ask her to do the dishes every once in a while, she gets depressed and starts saying how she's a 'horrible wife', which isn't necessarily true. That's not the message I want her to get. I love my wife dearly, but I don't want to end up Mr R, and I don't want her to end up Mrs R. Help.

 

[angeltrue]

Hey all, I'm new to this forum. I was searching for a Christian marriage forum to post on, and I came across this one.

So me and my wife are recently married, as of one year. Literally the first date we went on, she started having medical issues. These medical issues progressed, and she has been recently diagnosed with a form of Arthritis. Well, during this period of time we got engaged and eventually married. I've been with her through all of this stuff, and I've done nothing but try to help her through it all. I love her dearly.

Now I knew before we were dating for long that I was a neat and orderly clean freak, and she was just the opposite. Also, I prioritize things that she doesn't, and she prioritizes things that I don't, and weirdly we compliment each other in this way a lot. But it also has it's downfalls. I always feel like I'm the only one cleaning the house or preparing meals and such, and when I try to respectfully talk to her about it, she gets kind of depressed and starts saying that she is useless and a horrible wife. After that gets immediately refuted and I clarify what I mean, she eventually perks up again, but nothing changes. There are probably better ways to go about this, and I am trying my best, but this is only the tip of the iceberg.

See, I'm going away for about 5 months for a job related mandatory training, and my job will require this a lot. We both want to start a family and we both are on the same track as she wants to be a stay at home mom. But this is where I start getting afraid. With her condition, it hurts to do things that she used to love to do, like running and martial arts for example, but there are still a lot of things she can do, like yoga and swimming for example. But she absolutely refuses to do these things. Even simple things like taking certain herbal remedies and natural supplements that I've done all the research for, explained to her why and how it could help her out, once we get them all and I help her get a schedule worked out for taking them, she still refuses to take them. No matter what I do to help her out and to help her get better, she refuses and says she would rather just sleep and sit on her phone. She literally says she would rather sleep. I feel like I'm not only trying everything I can do to help her and trying everything I can do to be a better husband and love her more, she still refuses to help herself at all because it's not convenient. Neither is Arthritis. See, from what I see, if she can't even get up and do basic household chores or even take 2 minutes out of the day to help herself with these possible aids we've found, (or lets say 30 minutes to go swimming or do yoga) how can I trust her to raise our children or run the house while I'm the breadwinner? I feel absolutely horrible thinking this way.

I think this is all being spurred from a of an old friend of my family, who she doesn't know. We'll call him Mr R, and he got married to a beautiful woman, Mrs R, when they were young. But her knees started hurting. Because her knees started hurting, she stopped being active and it got to the point where she just stopped standing up. Mrs R ended up putting on a lot of weight, like I mean a lot of weight. They had a kid and homeschooled their kid, but she couldn't play with her daughter or even really raise her that well. It got to the point where Mr R stopped allowing people to come to his house because it was such a mess, as she wouldn't clean anything ever, and he was feeling very overwhelmed because when he would come home from work he would have to do everything at home in order to take care of his wife and daughter. When it progressed, Mrs R got to the point where she couldn't even stand up and walk to get the mail, as she had gained so much weight; which is currently progressing into other major health concerns for Mrs R. This all started from her being too lazy to try to help herself and work on her own health. I am afraid that I will end up Mr R. And although the daughter is doing OK now and moved out and such, I don't want that life for my future kids.

I'm afraid that I will come home from work one day and realize that I tried my best to be the best husband and man and father that I can be, but that I'll see the garden still overgrown. I'm afraid that I will have to support my family, as well as raise my kids and my adult wife. I'm afraid that my wife's health will continue to get worse as she doesn't even try to help herself, or therefore me. I'm afraid that I'll end up a middle aged man with a disabled wife from her own choosing, and although I'd be bitter and sad about that, I'd still have to take care of her in a way that doesn't show bitterness. I'm afraid that my kids will end up not getting raised well. I'm also afraid that I'll come home from work and have to swim through the messy house just to find my undisciplined children running around, and my wife on the couch and her phone. I'm afraid that she'll continue to get worse and eventually won't even be able to swim or do yoga. I'm afraid that my wife will develop so much more health issues and be miserable. I'm afraid that I'll regret my life. Heaven forbid, but those are my fears based on how this is going so far.

How do I talk to my wife about this without berating her or starting a downward spiral of depression? How do I tell my wife my fears in a respectful and mature and loving way? Even if I ask her to do the dishes every once in a while, she gets depressed and starts saying how she's a 'horrible wife', which isn't necessarily true. That's not the message I want her to get. I love my wife dearly, but I don't want to end up Mr R, and I don't want her to end up Mrs R. Help.

First of all, I don't see you as being mean, I see you as thinking practically. Has your wife been checked for depression? Sometimes a depressed person will give up activities and only want to sleep. Depression can be easily remedied using vitamin D and other supplements. But your wife will have to try them.

I'm concerned that your wife doesn't seem to want to help herself - even taking supplements that might help her. Is her mother this way, or has she had any other such problems prior to you marrying?

Raising a family requires a lot of stamina and commitment. If your wife is failing to even try supplements, then I think you're right to be concerned about her taking on the responsibilities of raising a family.

If we could do it over again, I would have gotten my spouse and I to go to counseling prior to bringing a child into the world. There are all kinds of hidden issues you bring from your childhood that you're unaware of. I feel our children would have been much better off if we had corrected some things prior to raising them. In your case I think you would be wise to have your wife see a counselor to check for depression and any other underlying physical or emotional issue. Rheumatoid Arthritis has been linked to a specific gut microbe, but I'm unsure of regular arthritis. I do believe it's definitively linked to leaky gut syndrome. You can look up Leo Galland who wrote a good article on it.

I think your instincts are warning you and you should listen to them and try to get your wife to get help.

 

[Tropical Wilds]

So, first off, it sounds like she has depression and that’s super, super common for folks who have long term, non-curable illnesses. She should ask for help from her PCP or the doctor who is helping her manage her arthritis. As somebody who’s in a similar boat with a different condition, it’s hard to see where the issues from the condition end and issues with Co-conditions begin. Her mentioning it to her specialist may get her on the right track towards treatment.

Secondly, never, ever, ever, EVER suggest, try, or take herbal or “natural” supplements without it coming from the doctor first. Never. Ever. Never, never. Ever. The regulation for herbal supplements is not what it should be so many times people rely on them to help with conditions when in reality the dosages are ineffective, the bulk fillers with the pill are harmful, or it conflicts with the condition or the meds being taken for it. For example, many arthritis meds can’t be taken with citrus and/or vitamin c as it neutralizes their effectiveness and damages the lining of the digestive system. Or conventional thought is vitamin C and calcium are beneficial when in actuality they can contribute to causing arthritis pain. With my condition I was taking immune system boosters because I thought it would help... After being angry that I was still getting sick and feeling symptoms, I mentioned to my doctor what I was taking, she had me discontinue use immediately because my condition is the result as an overactive immune system and I am on meds to decrease its function. Increasing my immune function with supplements was actively making me sick. Since many of the treatments I take are also arthritis meds and involve shutting down the immune system, I can say with confidence that most supplements will likely not help her and may make things worse. Leave all medical advice to the doctor, not the Internet. Trust me, she gets uninvited medical advice all the time... She doesn’t need more armchair quarterbacks claiming they can cure her when she knows she can’t be.

Thirdly, having a similar condition to arthritis and having a father with arthritis, I’m not sure why you think swimming or yoga is something easily done by people with arthritis. They’re low impact, sure, but I’m sorry... Both sound excruciating for somebody with arthritis. Like, my stomach hurts thinking about having an active flare and swimming or doing yoga. The sensory overload for swimming would be insane and the movement from yoga and the stretching... I used to do yoga religiously before getting sick and it was uncomfortable, even painful. Doing it with arthritis? Nuh uh. Holy cow, man. That sounds like torture.

Fourthly, I think having you join a group that helps you understand what her illness is and how that impacts her would be insanely beneficial. I see you applying a lot of what she says she feels through the filter of being well. Like, when she says she’s tired, you think “yeah, ok, she’s tired.” But when she says she’s tired, it’s a level of tired that’s impossible to quantify. It’s exhausting. I used to run half marathons and I can tell you how I felt after that is nothing like the tired you feel being sick. I long for that tired. This tired is so tired that it hurts to breathe. Wearing clothes hurts. You can’t think. It’s not at all comparable to regular tired. And convenient for you is very different for her. For you, going online and researching cures and telling her what to take and when is convenient. For her, it may not be. You don’t have to deal with the side effects, the discomfort taking them, the dropping everything to take them, and the lifestyle change that comes with being so dependent on medication. And, I’m sorry, it really isn’t convenient... At all. Especially since it’s not like she takes these pills and gets relief or a cure. She might have all the hassle and none of the perks. Since there’s no cure for her condition, that is the overwhelmingly likely result.

Fifthly, what she’s dealing with? It’s not her choice. It’s her reality, not her choice or what she wanted. Acting like she’s choosing it and really reinforcing you don’t want to be married to a fat disabled lady in your non-neatfreak house with your horrible kids all because of her illness... Holy cow, dude. That’s a lot to lay at her feet. When you got married, you knew she was sick with something that will likely leave her disabled. Saying now that you just want the beautiful, able, thin wife with the great kids and the beautiful house, not what you’re stuck with and what she’s choosing to do to herself... That’s not exactly supportive, nor does it help her process what’s happening to her, her body, or her life. It’s an observation from a really judgmental place that will fuel problems, not solve them. And it’s a super hurtful observation.

Do you go to her appointments with her? If not, you should. It will help you understand that she’s going through a lot and it’s a full time job she gets no vacation from. It’s not her sitting and being lazy. It’s her being sick. Does that add a wrinkle to things like having kids? Sure. But so does taking a job that leaves her a single parent for 5 months a year plus more time for other trips. I would argue that’s a lot for healthy women and expecting any wife to be the primary caretaker of the home, the children, and still maintaining a standard of herself that makes her the polar opposite of the dreaded Mrs R... Your expectations of her already seem higher than would be attainable for most.

 

[angeltrue]

So, first off, it sounds like she has depression and that’s super, super common for folks who have long term, non-curable illnesses. She should ask for help from her PCP or the doctor who is helping her manage her arthritis. As somebody who’s in a similar boat with a different condition, it’s hard to see where the issues from the condition end and issues with Co-conditions begin. Her mentioning it to her specialist may get her on the right track towards treatment.

Secondly, never, ever, ever, EVER suggest, try, or take herbal or “natural” supplements without it coming from the doctor first. Never. Ever. Never, never. Ever. The regulation for herbal supplements is not what it should be so many times people rely on them to help with conditions when in reality the dosages are ineffective, the bulk fillers with the pill are harmful, or it conflicts with the condition or the meds being taken for it. For example, many arthritis meds can’t be taken with citrus and/or vitamin c as it neutralizes their effectiveness and damages the lining of the digestive system. Or conventional thought is vitamin C and calcium are beneficial when in actuality they can contribute to causing arthritis pain. With my condition I was taking immune system boosters because I thought it would help... After being angry that I was still getting sick and feeling symptoms, I mentioned to my doctor what I was taking, she had me discontinue use immediately because my condition is the result as an overactive immune system and I am on meds to decrease its function. Increasing my immune function with supplements was actively making me sick. Since many of the treatments I take are also arthritis meds and involve shutting down the immune system, I can say with confidence that most supplements will likely not help her and may make things worse. Leave all medical advice to the doctor, not the Internet. Trust me, she gets uninvited medical advice all the time... She doesn’t need more armchair quarterbacks claiming they can cure her when she knows she can’t be.

Thirdly, having a similar condition to arthritis and having a father with arthritis, I’m not sure why you think swimming or yoga is something easily done by people with arthritis. They’re low impact, sure, but I’m sorry... Both sound excruciating for somebody with arthritis. Like, my stomach hurts thinking about having an active flare and swimming or doing yoga. The sensory overload for swimming would be insane and the movement from yoga and the stretching... I used to do yoga religiously before getting sick and it was uncomfortable, even painful. Doing it with arthritis? Nuh uh. Holy cow, man. That sounds like torture.

Fourthly, I think having you join a group that helps you understand what her illness is and how that impacts her would be insanely beneficial. I see you applying a lot of what she says she feels through the filter of being well. Like, when she says she’s tired, you think “yeah, ok, she’s tired.” But when she says she’s tired, it’s a level of tired that’s impossible to quantify. It’s exhausting. I used to run half marathons and I can tell you how I felt after that is nothing like the tired you feel being sick. I long for that tired. This tired is so tired that it hurts to breathe. Wearing clothes hurts. You can’t think. It’s not at all comparable to regular tired. And convenient for you is very different for her. For you, going online and researching cures and telling her what to take and when is convenient. For her, it may not be. You don’t have to deal with the side effects, the discomfort taking them, the dropping everything to take them, and the lifestyle change that comes with being so dependent on medication. And, I’m sorry, it really isn’t convenient... At all. Especially since it’s not like she takes these pills and gets relief or a cure. She might have all the hassle and none of the perks. Since there’s no cure for her condition, that is the overwhelmingly likely result.

Fifthly, what she’s dealing with? It’s not her choice. It’s her reality, not her choice or what she wanted. Acting like she’s choosing it and really reinforcing you don’t want to be married to a fat disabled lady in your non-neatfreak house with your horrible kids all because of her illness... Holy cow, dude. That’s a lot to lay at her feet. When you got married, you knew she was sick with something that will likely leave her disabled. Saying now that you just want the beautiful, able, thin wife with the great kids and the beautiful house, not what you’re stuck with and what she’s choosing to do to herself... That’s not exactly supportive, nor does it help her process what’s happening to her, her body, or her life. It’s an observation from a really judgmental place that will fuel problems, not solve them. And it’s a super hurtful observation.

Do you go to her appointments with her? If not, you should. It will help you understand that she’s going through a lot and it’s a full time job she gets no vacation from. It’s not her sitting and being lazy. It’s her being sick. Does that add a wrinkle to things like having kids? Sure. But so does taking a job that leaves her a single parent for 5 months a year plus more time for other trips. I would argue that’s a lot for healthy women and expecting any wife to be the primary caretaker of the home, the children, and still maintaining a standard of herself that makes her the polar opposite of the dreaded Mrs R... Your expectations of her already seem higher than would be attainable for most.

Your counsel is wise. The only thing I'd like to mention is that I used vitamins extensively and had the most beautiful, healthy children I've ever seen. I did see some concerns over toxins in herbal supplements so generally avoid them and brands I don't trust. I generally trust Swansons. Doctors will always poo-poo supplements. I had fibromyalgia and the doctor just threw drugs at me. I spent time on my computer learning all I could and I healed myself using supplements. As dangerous as it is to dispense advice that could possibly cause someone to take the wrong supplements, it's equally as dangerous to tell them to only listen to doctors. I've had some poor doctors throughout my life. Iatrogenic deaths are way up there. I like to view doctors as an adjunct. That said - I still think one has to be careful when taking supplements.

I think it's good that we receive viewpoints from a variety of people as in Scripture we're told "in a multitude of counselors there is safety" and I'm glad you came from a different perspective.

 

[Tropical Wilds]

When somebody has an immune system issue or is taking any medication, taking supplements is very different than taking them when healthy. When I was healthy, there were supplements I could and did take with no issue (like iron, calcium, and vitamin C), but now being sick would and have landed me in the hospital (calcium, iron).

Like I said, some of them specifically counteract some medications or the intent of some medications. If you’re on a medication that suppresses your immune system, taking a supplement with 200% of your vitamin C won’t help, it will compromise your treatment. If dairy or gluten lead to flares, that rules out the safety of an overwhelming number of supplements and even generic meds. If you’re taking a supplement for vitamin D but not one for iron, you’re wasting time and money as you need iron for it to be soluble. If you’re taking certain joint supplements but not pairing it with either a meal of lean meat or milk, you are getting no benefit. If you’re on blood pressure or cardiac meds but taking green tea or citrus-based immune boosters, you are risking your health and safety... It goes on and on.

If you go to a doctor and they no supplements ever, the issue is the doctor and you should get outside opinions. That said, in the whole course of my treatments for Ulcerative Colitis then Crohn’s Disease, fibromyalgia, IBS, panic disorder, anxiety disorder, PTSD, severe depression, and fibromyalgia (all of which were co-conditions due to the IBD and most of which require different specialists across multiple facilities, irritatingly enough) never has any of my doctors told me to avoid all supplements, only specific ones for really specific reasons.

More commonly I get a list of supplements that may be beneficial and brands they suggest right at the onset, or even in many cases a prescription for them in more appropriate dosages or delivery systems (like my iron went from 6 pills a day with a 30% absorption rate and side effects that caused hospitalization to an IV infusion with a 80-90% absorption rate and no side effects) or even just so you can get it covered by insurance. I hit my deductible in January every year and after that I get an RX for my supplements and pay nothing for them.bit saves hundreds, if not thousands, of dollars.

The only time I’ve ever had pushback was when I said I was using essential oils, salt cellars, and diet changes to help manage what I was doing and they thought I meant I was doing it to the exclusion of meds and supplements. Not only was going cold turkey off some of my meds a dangerous thing to try, but essential oil/salt cellar therapy is really, really fringe stuff, and diet changes are proven to be totally unhelpful in managing IBD. When I clarified this was in addition, not instead of, and I just wanted to try (and in the case of diet changes it was more like if I was going to get sick, I wanted to get sick off food that it was easier to be sick off of... Like if you know you’re going to puke, would you rather puke up bland rice or spicy beef taquitos?), they said to knock myself out. Whatever I thought helped and as long as my labs all still looks good they were fine.

So while I don’t necessarily think that supplements are bad in and of themselves, in the case of long term, incurable, or degenerative conditions and/or if you’re on any RX, it’s critical talk to the doctor before doing it. The look on my face was priceless when the doctor said to me “Why are you taking super immune booster supplements when every six weeks we load you up with $45,000 worth of meds designed to suppress your immune system because IBD is caused by you overactive immune system?” A $20 a month supplement from WalMart was totally negating my primary and very expensive treatment. Duh me.

 

[Ana the Ist]

Hey all, I'm new to this forum. I was searching for a Christian marriage forum to post on, and I came across this one.

So me and my wife are recently married, as of one year. Literally the first date we went on, she started having medical issues. These medical issues progressed, and she has been recently diagnosed with a form of Arthritis. Well, during this period of time we got engaged and eventually married. I've been with her through all of this stuff, and I've done nothing but try to help her through it all. I love her dearly.

Now I knew before we were dating for long that I was a neat and orderly clean freak, and she was just the opposite. Also, I prioritize things that she doesn't, and she prioritizes things that I don't, and weirdly we compliment each other in this way a lot. But it also has it's downfalls. I always feel like I'm the only one cleaning the house or preparing meals and such, and when I try to respectfully talk to her about it, she gets kind of depressed and starts saying that she is useless and a horrible wife. After that gets immediately refuted and I clarify what I mean, she eventually perks up again, but nothing changes. There are probably better ways to go about this, and I am trying my best, but this is only the tip of the iceberg.

See, I'm going away for about 5 months for a job related mandatory training, and my job will require this a lot. We both want to start a family and we both are on the same track as she wants to be a stay at home mom. But this is where I start getting afraid. With her condition, it hurts to do things that she used to love to do, like running and martial arts for example, but there are still a lot of things she can do, like yoga and swimming for example. But she absolutely refuses to do these things. Even simple things like taking certain herbal remedies and natural supplements that I've done all the research for, explained to her why and how it could help her out, once we get them all and I help her get a schedule worked out for taking them, she still refuses to take them. No matter what I do to help her out and to help her get better, she refuses and says she would rather just sleep and sit on her phone. She literally says she would rather sleep. I feel like I'm not only trying everything I can do to help her and trying everything I can do to be a better husband and love her more, she still refuses to help herself at all because it's not convenient. Neither is Arthritis. See, from what I see, if she can't even get up and do basic household chores or even take 2 minutes out of the day to help herself with these possible aids we've found, (or lets say 30 minutes to go swimming or do yoga) how can I trust her to raise our children or run the house while I'm the breadwinner? I feel absolutely horrible thinking this way.

I think this is all being spurred from a of an old friend of my family, who she doesn't know. We'll call him Mr R, and he got married to a beautiful woman, Mrs R, when they were young. But her knees started hurting. Because her knees started hurting, she stopped being active and it got to the point where she just stopped standing up. Mrs R ended up putting on a lot of weight, like I mean a lot of weight. They had a kid and homeschooled their kid, but she couldn't play with her daughter or even really raise her that well. It got to the point where Mr R stopped allowing people to come to his house because it was such a mess, as she wouldn't clean anything ever, and he was feeling very overwhelmed because when he would come home from work he would have to do everything at home in order to take care of his wife and daughter. When it progressed, Mrs R got to the point where she couldn't even stand up and walk to get the mail, as she had gained so much weight; which is currently progressing into other major health concerns for Mrs R. This all started from her being too lazy to try to help herself and work on her own health. I am afraid that I will end up Mr R. And although the daughter is doing OK now and moved out and such, I don't want that life for my future kids.

I'm afraid that I will come home from work one day and realize that I tried my best to be the best husband and man and father that I can be, but that I'll see the garden still overgrown. I'm afraid that I will have to support my family, as well as raise my kids and my adult wife. I'm afraid that my wife's health will continue to get worse as she doesn't even try to help herself, or therefore me. I'm afraid that I'll end up a middle aged man with a disabled wife from her own choosing, and although I'd be bitter and sad about that, I'd still have to take care of her in a way that doesn't show bitterness. I'm afraid that my kids will end up not getting raised well. I'm also afraid that I'll come home from work and have to swim through the messy house just to find my undisciplined children running around, and my wife on the couch and her phone. I'm afraid that she'll continue to get worse and eventually won't even be able to swim or do yoga. I'm afraid that my wife will develop so much more health issues and be miserable. I'm afraid that I'll regret my life. Heaven forbid, but those are my fears based on how this is going so far.

How do I talk to my wife about this without berating her or starting a downward spiral of depression? How do I tell my wife my fears in a respectful and mature and loving way? Even if I ask her to do the dishes every once in a while, she gets depressed and starts saying how she's a 'horrible wife', which isn't necessarily true. That's not the message I want her to get. I love my wife dearly, but I don't want to end up Mr R, and I don't want her to end up Mrs R. Help.

She might be dealing with a serious mental health issue like depression...or something more. She should see a professional about this.

 

[angeltrue]

When somebody has an immune system issue or is taking any medication, taking supplements is very different than taking them when healthy. When I was healthy, there were supplements I could and did take with no issue (like iron, calcium, and vitamin C), but now being sick would and have landed me in the hospital (calcium, iron).

Like I said, some of them specifically counteract some medications or the intent of some medications. If you’re on a medication that suppresses your immune system, taking a supplement with 200% of your vitamin C won’t help, it will compromise your treatment. If dairy or gluten lead to flares, that rules out the safety of an overwhelming number of supplements and even generic meds. If you’re taking a supplement for vitamin D but not one for iron, you’re wasting time and money as you need iron for it to be soluble. If you’re taking certain joint supplements but not pairing it with either a meal of lean meat or milk, you are getting no benefit. If you’re on blood pressure or cardiac meds but taking green tea or citrus-based immune boosters, you are risking your health and safety... It goes on and on.

If you go to a doctor and they no supplements ever, the issue is the doctor and you should get outside opinions. That said, in the whole course of my treatments for Ulcerative Colitis then Crohn’s Disease, fibromyalgia, IBS, panic disorder, anxiety disorder, PTSD, severe depression, and fibromyalgia (all of which were co-conditions due to the IBD and most of which require different specialists across multiple facilities, irritatingly enough) never has any of my doctors told me to avoid all supplements, only specific ones for really specific reasons.

More commonly I get a list of supplements that may be beneficial and brands they suggest right at the onset, or even in many cases a prescription for them in more appropriate dosages or delivery systems (like my iron went from 6 pills a day with a 30% absorption rate and side effects that caused hospitalization to an IV infusion with a 80-90% absorption rate and no side effects) or even just so you can get it covered by insurance. I hit my deductible in January every year and after that I get an RX for my supplements and pay nothing for them.bit saves hundreds, if not thousands, of dollars.

The only time I’ve ever had pushback was when I said I was using essential oils, salt cellars, and diet changes to help manage what I was doing and they thought I meant I was doing it to the exclusion of meds and supplements. Not only was going cold turkey off some of my meds a dangerous thing to try, but essential oil/salt cellar therapy is really, really fringe stuff, and diet changes are proven to be totally unhelpful in managing IBD. When I clarified this was in addition, not instead of, and I just wanted to try (and in the case of diet changes it was more like if I was going to get sick, I wanted to get sick off food that it was easier to be sick off of... Like if you know you’re going to puke, would you rather puke up bland rice or spicy beef taquitos?), they said to knock myself out. Whatever I thought helped and as long as my labs all still looks good they were fine.

So while I don’t necessarily think that supplements are bad in and of themselves, in the case of long term, incurable, or degenerative conditions and/or if you’re on any RX, it’s critical talk to the doctor before doing it. The look on my face was priceless when the doctor said to me “Why are you taking super immune booster supplements when every six weeks we load you up with $45,000 worth of meds designed to suppress your immune system because IBD is caused by you overactive immune system?” A $20 a month supplement from WalMart was totally negating my primary and very expensive treatment. Duh me.

Yes I see your point about having an immune issue and there are a lot of supplement interactions that one has to be cautious with. I've studied nutrition for many years so I feel confident about what I take. But I'm glad you brought the issue up because everyone goes by their own personal experience and each has a different perspective which can be valuable

Have a blessed day.